The Golden Girls (1985) s01e05 Episode Script

Thank you for being a friend Traveled down the road and back again Your heart is true You're a pal and a confidante And if you threw a party Invited everyone you knew You would see the biggest gift would be from me And the card attached would say "Thank you for being a friend" Wait a minute! Just where do you think you're going? Over to Mildred's to watch the adult movie channel.
She has a wide-screen TV.
You are not going anywhere.
Dr.
Clayton is coming.
- Dr.
Silvano is my doctor! - Dr.
Silvano is dead.
Trust me, I'm in better shape than he is.
Goodbye.
Ma, you have to have an examination.
Your blood pressure is up, you're tired, you have absolutely no color.
I'm an old white woman.
I'm not supposed to have color.
You want color? Talk to Lena Horne.
Here we are, Sophia.
Homemade chicken soup.
I used to make it for my husband when he wasn't feeling well.
Did you make it for him the last time he wasn't feeling well? - Hello, everyone.
- Hi, Blanche.
I just happened upon the most divine dress sale.
I would'have called you girls, but all they had left were petites.
So what did you buy? Shoes? I'm a petite.
I'd better go there.
I need a black dress for Dr.
Silvano's funeral.
Dr.
Silvano died two months ago.
You went to his funeral.
Right, I can't let him see me in the same dress.
Ma, you're not going anywhere until the doctor comes! You can't go anywhere now.
I want you to see how good I look in my new dress! You know something? We're really lucky we found a doctor who makes house calls.
I know.
When I was growing up in Minnesota, the doctor made house calls all the time for us and the livestock.
You and the animals had the same doctor? Sure.
Worked out fine until the doctor started drinking hog liniment and tried to neuter the Swensen brothers.
(doorbell If that's the doctor, tell him I have no insurance and no money! If he still wants to come in, he just wants to see me naked.
Hello, I'm Dr.
Clayton.
I'm here to see Sophia Petrillo.
Oh please, please come right in.
I'm Dorothy, Sophia's daughter, and I usually look much better.
Now, this is my friend, Rose.
- Hello, doctor.
- Rose.
And this is Sophia.
- What seems to be her problem? - Her blood pressure is up and she's a little pale and a little tired.
- She on any medication? - Yes, to control blood pressure.
- How long's she been on that medication? - What am I, two years old? I don't know my own symptoms? I've lived in this body since I was born.
If something goes wrong, I'm the first one to hear about it! I'm sorry, Sophia.
What seems to be the problem? What am I, a doctor? Why don't we start by taking your temperature, huh? Temperature, hmm.
He must have graduated at the top of his class.
- Under your tongue.
- Uh, tell me, - are you new to this area, Dr.
Clayton? - Yes.
I recently moved here.
Oh, Miami's a beautiful city.
I'm sure you'll enjoy living here.
Yes, and I'm sure your wife, Mrs.
Clayton, will enjoy it, too.
Mrs.
Clayton and I are no longer together.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
So, tell me, have you had a chance - to see much of the city? - No, not really.
Perhaps I could show you some of the highlights sometime.
That sounds great.
I'd love it! I'd love to go, too.
Except I have to wash my hair every day for the rest of my life.
It's very oily.
What about dinner tomorrow night, Dorothy? Say, about eight? Perfect! We'll go to Jack's Crab House.
It's wonderful.
Well, girls, is this dress gonna stop traffic or what? Oh, hello there.
I don't believe we've been introduced.
My name is Blanche Deveraux.
That's French for "Blanche Deveraux.
" - I'm pleased to meet you.
- Forgive me for staring, but I do declare, you're just about the most attractive man I've seen in Florida since Mr.
John Forsythe performed Hamlet at the Burt Reynolds Dinner Theatre.
Blanche, might I see you a moment? Pardonnez-moi.
Listen, you keep your bloomers on, Scarlett.
He's taking me out tomorrow night.
But he wants me.
I can feel it.
Let somebody else feel it.
- I saw him first.
- But we were meant for each other.
- I'm a woman, he's a man.
- And what am I, Little Richard? Oh, all right.
Fair's fair.
But if he has a friend who makes house calls, I can be ill any night this week except Thursday.
- Well, doctor, how is she? - Her temperature seems to be normal.
Tell me, Sophia, are you taking your medication as directed? I take my medication every day, if I remember.
You have to remember to take it every day.
Oh, I'll see that she does, Dr.
Clayton.
Elliot.
Well, ladies, it's been a great pleasure meeting you.
Dorothy, it's been especially nice meeting you.
I'm sure she's all right, but you call me if you need me, and I'll see you tomorrow night.
- Goodbye, Elliot.
- Goodbye, Dorothy.
Oh, thank you for being a kind and generous god.
OK, what do you think of this one? Dorothy, you and Elliot have been out almost every night this week.
He's obviously hooked.
You don't have to look good anymore.
What you have on is fine.
- I'll change.
- Come on.
I'll help you pick out something.
There's nothing left to pick.
The only thing I haven't tried on is the bedspread.
(doorbell - Oh, hello, Elliot.
Come in.
- Hello, Blanche.
Dorothy ready? I'm afraid she's gonna be a little while.
May I offer you a drink? Why, sure, if you'll join me.
I don't mind if I do.
What would you like? Something smooth and sweet with a little kick to it.
Hmm.
How about a Sloe Gin Fizz? You're talking about the drink and I'm talking about the bartender.
- Oh.
- Blanche, you feel all right? - You feel a little flushed.
- I do? Yeah, let me check your pulse.
Ooh, it's racing.
You know what? So is mine.
I beg your pardon? - You're a very attractive woman, Blanche.
- I know.
Very very attractive.
Wait a minute.
What are you doing? How dare you? - What kind of woman do you think I am? - Relax.
Relax? Don't you tell me to relax! I am not accustomed to being manhandled.
- I thought you'd be flattered.
- Well, I'm not.
Pardon my strong language, but you, sir, are no gentleman.
- I'm sorry.
- You ought to be.
What about Dorothy? - She happens to be my friend.
- No reason to bring Dorothy into this.
- Hmm.
- Hi, Elliot.
Hello, Rose.
My, what is that marvelous scent you're wearing? Fancy albacore tuna.
I made a casserole for dinner.
Well, you certainly wear it well.
I think it's the pimento that really sets it off.
- Hello, Elliot.
I'm sorry I'm late.
- It's all right, but we should be going.
If I'm not back by Christmas, someone take my mother to midnight mass.
There is something about that man I don't trust.
I can't put my finger on it.
I can.
He's a letch.
No, that isn't it.
Oh, yes it is, Rose.
He made a pass at me.
Oh, my Lord! That's terrible! Dorothy'll be heartbroken when you tell her.
- I'm not telling her anything.
- She's your friend.
- You've got to tell her! - Oh, no, I don't.
The last time a friend's sweetheart made a pass at me, I lost my friend and her beau.
- And her beau? - That's right.
Anderbeau Johnson.
Clyde Whitehead, Anderbeau's beau, decided he wanted to see my cheerleader's sweater from the inside.
So when I told Anderbeau, she blamed the whole thing on me, and then Clyde would never speak to me again for telling! I lost Anderbeau and her beau! Now you understand why I can't tell Dorothy? I don't even understand who Anderbobo is.
All I know is that Dorothy should find out what kind of a man Elliot really is.
Now, if you're her friend, you'll tell her.
But honey, she'd be devastated! What kind of a friend would I be to hurt her? What kind of a friend would you be if you let Elliot ruin her life? She could marry that man! They could have a child! They could adopt a child! And then one night at the country club, possibly during little Mei-Ling's coming-out party Dorothy's having the time of her life when she goes to the powder room and she overhears the towel lady telling Mrs.
Steinbeck that Dorothy's husband, Dr.
Elliot Clayton, has bonged every female member of the country club.
Can you let that happen to Dorothy? Can you let that happen to little Mei-Ling? Hasn't she suffered enough? Not as much as I have listening to that story.
Oh forget the story.
You have to tell Dorothy.
She's your friend! You're right.
She is my best friend.
- I thought I was your best friend.
- You were till you told me that story.
- Thank you.
- Good night, Dorothy.
Good night, Elliot.
Oh, Dorothy.
I thought you'd never come home.
I have to talk to you.
- Is something wrong? Is it Ma? - Oh, no, she's fine.
It's just that you're out so late on a school night.
- What? - I mean, how was your date with Elliot? Wonderful, as usual.
Dorothy, I have to tell you something.
It's just so hard.
I don't know how to tell you, except, I guess, just straight out.
What? Well Elliot made Elliot made What? Elliot made a What? What did Elliot make, a ship in a bottle? What? Elliot made a pass at me.
Elliot made a pass at you? You mean, he winked at you.
He winks at everyone.
He's a very big winker.
No.
It was more than a wink.
He came up to me, and he put his big, masculine arms around my tiny little waist.
- I don't believe you.
- What? I don't believe that he put his big, masculine arms around your alleged tiny little waist.
Why would I make up such a thing? - Because you're jealous.
- Jealous? You're used to getting all the attention, and someone comes along and wants me and not you and it is eating your guts out.
- Eating my guts out? - You know something? You could never be a real friend to another woman, and you know why? - Why? - Because you're a slut! - A slut?! - Don't repeat everything I say.
Don't repeat everything you say? I'm not! - You just did.
- Nothing you say's worth repeatin'.
You, Blanche, are an amoral, backstabbing, self-centered Jezebel, and I am very glad that this happened because now I know really what kind of person you are.
The hell with you and your oversexed boyfriend, Dorothy Zbornak! I'm just glad that little Mei-Ling's coming-out party was ruined.
Who? And I'm glad that Elliot is bonging every woman at your country club! What the hell are you talking about? Ask the towel lady! Morning, Blanche.
Can I get you some coffee? "Dorothy deserves to know what kind of a person Elliot really is.
If you're her friend, you'll tell her.
" Thanks for the advice, Rose.
Now Dorothy's not speaking to me, and I'm not speaking to you.
Now you can get me that coffee.
I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you did the right thing by telling Dorothy about Elliot.
- What about Elliot? - He made a pass at me.
- While he's seeing my Dorothy? - Yes.
I can't believe it! My daughter is finally dating a doctor he turns out to be a scuzz bucket! Why does everything happen to me? - Dorothy hates me.
- Oh, Blanche, that's not true! Oh, yes it is, and I hate her right back double.
Now get me some cream.
Morning, Dorothy.
Blanche and I were just having some coffee.
- Would you care to join us? - Frankly, Rose, I would rather use Willie Nelson's hairbrush.
Must you attack everything Southern? Come on, now, girls.
This is no way to behave.
Isn't there some way we can settle this like rational adults? We can, once Dorothy stops acting like a child.
I am acting like a child? Do you know what your problem is? - (doorbell - That's Elliot.
I have to leave.
How dare you leave in the middle of a fight? You come back here! I have a few things I want to say to you, missy! All right, girls, now hold it right there, and I'm not fooling around! Dorothy, I think you have to confront Elliot with Blanche's accusation.
Absolutely not! Now, I have to go.
Morning, Dorothy.
Ready to go? Not quite.
Elliot, Blanche says that you made a pass at her.
- What? - You heard her.
- I don't know what to say.
- You sure knew what to say last night Elliot, did you make a pass at Blanche or not? - Absolutely not.
- He's lying.
Look at him, he's twitching and blinking.
He's lying and twitching and blinking.
He is blinking, Dorothy.
Maybe I had better wait for you in the car.
Dorothy, you just have to believe me.
It's not enough that you have had half the men in Dade County.
You have to have everyone else's men.
It is pathetic.
I have just never felt so betrayed in all my life.
I haven't been a good friend to a lot of people, but I have been a very good friend to you, Dorothy.
And you take some stranger's word over mine? I'm not gonna stand for this, not in my own house.
I want you out of here.
Blanche, you don't mean that.
She doesn't mean it.
- I do so mean it.
- I'll be out as soon as I can find a place.
Blanche, you can't just throw Dorothy out on the street! You just watch me.
What's the matter, Sophia? You couldn't sleep, either? No, I was sleeping great, Rose.
I just wanted to show off my pajamas.
I'm upset about Dorothy and Blanche.
Oh, me, too.
Who'd believe that they'd break up their friendship over a man? - It happens.
- What can we do? - Nothing.
Just stay out of it.
- I can't do that.
Let me tell you a story.
Sicily, 1912.
Picture this: Two young girls, best friends, who shared three things a pizza recipe, some dough, and a dream.
Everything is going great until one day, a fast-talking pepperoni salesman gallops into town.
Of course, both girls are impressed.
He dates one one night, the other, the next night.
Pretty soon, he drives a wedge between them.
Before you know it, the pizza suffers, the business suffers, the friendship suffers.
The girls part company and head for America, never to see one another again.
Rose, one of those girls was me.
The other one you probably know as Mama Celeste.
Sophia, what's the point? The point is, I lost a fortune! What does that have to do with getting Dorothy and Blanche back together? Nothing! I told you, stay out of it! I can't! I can't just stand by and watch this happen.
I've got to do something.
That might work, too.
Abbondanzal Rose, honey, can I borrow your golf gloves? I already packed mine.
- Only if you promise not to move out.
- I cannot promise that! Then putt with bare hands! (doorbell - Hi.
Ready to go? - Soon as Rose lends me some gloves.
They're in the bottom drawer on the left, under my clarinet.
Be right back.
Has anyone ever told you you look exactly like Jerry Vale? - No.
- They should.
He's the only man in the world that can make the hair on my arms stand up.
Can I fix you a drink? No, thanks.
Is something wrong with your leg? Nothing you can't fix, doctor man.
- I beg your pardon? - I know I look square, but I'm like my father's tractor.
I take awhile to warm up, but once I get going, I can turn your topsoil 'til the cows come home.
Rose, please.
Wanna see some Polaroids of me in my tennis skirt? Look, Rose, I'm flattered, and please, no offense, but you're just not my type.
- But Blanche was.
- That never happened.
Oh, yes it did.
Blanche told me all about it.
- She made it up.
- I don't think so.
Look, nothing came of it.
I did apologize to her.
- And you lied to me.
- Dorothy! You lied to me about Blanche! Dorothy, sweetheart, please try to understand.
It was no big deal.
Oh, you think so? I probably lost one of my best friends because of you.
To me, that's a very big deal.
- I take it we're not playing golf.
- We're not playing anything anymore.
I'll call you in a few days when you've cooled down.
Don't bother.
I really have nothing to say to you.
- I'm so sorry, Dorothy.
- No, I'm the one who's sorry.
I have to go talk to Blanche.
I've been an idiot through this whole thing! Darn right you have! - (knock on door - Come in.
Oh, it's you.
Look, Blanche, we have to talk.
I don't have anything to say to you, Dorothy.
Then let me do the talking.
Elliot was just here and he told me the truth about what happened.
Well, I hate to say "I told you so," but I did.
I told you so! Honey, I'm sorry for not believing you.
- There's no excuse for my behavior.
- There most certainly isn't.
I guess when it came down to it, I didn't believe you because I didn't want to.
Nobody ever believes me when I'm telling the truth.
I guess it's the curse of being a devastatingly beautiful woman.
Oh, please! The only other woman who could possibly understand is Priscilla Presley and Susan Anton.
No, not Susan Anton.
Even my husband didn't believe me on our wedding night - when I told him he was the first.
- But George wasn't your first.
Well, he didn't know that! The point is, he didn't believe me.
Look, Blanche Blanche, I'm sorry.
Do you think you can ever forgive me? I don't know.
I have to think about it.
I understand.
OK, I've thought about it.
I forgive you! Oh, Blanche, Blanche, thank you! Oh, what the heck! That's what friendship's all about.
Oh, Blanche, Dorothy! Oh, I'm so glad you made up.
- I knew you couldn't stay mad for long.
- Of course we couldn't.
Oh, it takes a big woman to forgive somebody calling her a slut! You! Fight over? Good.
Here, taste these.
I'm conducting a pizza challenge.
One of these is mine, one is Mama you-know-who's.
Taste them and tell me which you like better.
If I'm right, this could be worth millions.
My face could be in every freezer in America.
Mmm.
A, definitely.
- Mmm.
Yep, A.
- Yeah, A.
A, without a doubt.
You can't pick men and you can't pick pizza!