Weeds s01e05 Episode Script

Previously on Weeds: -Uncle Andy! -Hey! -How long you planning on staying? -Just till I figure some things out.
-Like? -My life.
Just IM'ing my girlfriend.
She's deaf.
This girl sounds like a keeper, Silas.
Don't mess it up.
You know, I read somewhere that killing small animals is the first sign of psychotic behavior.
-Leave your car.
-How am I gonna get home? Take Conrad's bucket.
White lady in the hooptie? Oh, you gotta let me get a picture.
It's a classic car.
I went to my friend Conrad's and imagine my surprise when I was handed a giant bag of weed for you.
I have cancer.
Shit.
"My name is Shane I bring the pain Up from the streets Of Agrestic Bitch You don't wanna sweat this I cap any motherfucker You don't wanna test this, Be.
" "Beyotch.
" I got rage in me.
This is my way of venting.
You made a lot of people around the school very nervous.
That's because they're a bunch of bitch-ass white boys.
I hate to break this to you, but you're also a bitch-ass white boy.
Whatever.
I don't care.
I think you do care.
A great deal.
-Yeah? About what? -You want approval from your peer group.
And when you don't get it, when they call you weirdo or Strange Botwin, then you wanna lash out.
In this case, through your rap.
Yeah.
That's it.
I just wanna fit in.
Can I go now? Shane, you're here because there's some concern that you might act on these emotions.
I'm not gonna cap any motherfuckers.
How do I know that? Because my therapist says I'm just acting out because my dad's dead.
You may go.
-These walls were just wallpapered.
-The paper looks old.
Yeah, well, that was the look we were going for.
With all due respect, sir this is not the first time a crate of carbonated beverages fell from a low-flying Cessna and devastated a house.
You're kidding? Is this a bad time? No, it's just her faith healer.
Well, okay.
Look at this bed.
I mean, it's an antique.
A family heirloom.
My children were conceived on this bed.
It's got a lot of history.
-Could I trouble you for a drink? -Yeah.
Stand up.
Hey, Nance.
This is Irma, the faith healer.
She's sniffing me to see if my cancer has spread.
Hi.
Would you like me to smell you next? No, thank you, I was smelled yesterday.
This was not my idea.
The PTA ladies sent her over.
Personally, I would have preferred one of those cookies on a stick.
Perhaps you are not ready.
I should leave.
Well, namaste.
-This place is a wreck.
-Yep.
See what consumer culture has done to me? -How are you holding up? -Better than my ceiling.
I was toying with a Snapple motif but God said, "Coke!" Miss Celia, I come for dry clean.
Oh, I really don't feel like sorting through those clothes.
You know what, Blanca? You take it.
Okay, I go to dry clean.
No, no, I want you to take all of the clothes.
Go ahead.
Take them.
I cannot take.
Well, you must know somebody in my size.
Aren't there, like, 18 people living in your house? Coming up next on the Raw Skin Channel the Incredahoes.
Incredahoes.
-How about that? -Yeah.
Fuck! -Hey, Doug.
-Hi, Randy.
Andy.
It's Andy.
Oh, really? I thought-- It's not Randy? -I've always thought of you as a Randy.
-Pretty sure.
Okay.
-Looking for Nancy? -Yeah, I am.
Is she around? Nope.
You could try her cell phone.
Oh, no, she needs to sign some stuff.
Papers and things, you know.
Do you--? Are you watching Incredahoes? Yeah.
That's good.
I started it seven or eight times.
-I've never seen the whole thing.
-That's a strong endorsement.
Yeah.
I don't suppose you'd let me watch with you? That'd be kind of weird.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
Well, enjoy.
Orgasma Girl's a squirter.
-Hey! Spoiler.
-Oh, right.
Right, sorry.
I got about an eighth of Romulan on me.
-Come on in.
-All right.
-What happened to you last night? -What do you mean? I was with Megan.
-When are you gonna get over that? -Excuse me? You're in your prime.
You really wanna tie yourself down to the deaf girl? She's actually pretty cool.
-You fuck her yet? -Come on, man.
Think about it.
You're always gonna have to read television.
If you pass out drunk and your house catches on fire she's won't hear the smoke alarm and you'll both die.
Last night, while you weren't fucking deaf girl, you missed Tiffany's party.
Jessica, Lauren, Chelsea, they were all there.
Hot, ready, they can hear.
And one of them's into you.
Re-- Which one? -Chelsea.
-You're such a liar.
No, man, I'm serious.
You need to dump the damaged goods, see what's up with Chelsea.
Oh, my God, I forgot about these.
But these baby clothes are new.
Were you? I had a miscarriage.
Last year.
-I'm sorry.
-Don't be.
With my track record, it was a blessing.
Trust me.
-Blanca, do you need baby clothes? -I know someone who could use them.
Miss Celia, give clothes to me.
You don't need.
No, I know someone who needs them.
-Please! -Please let go! Blanca, let her have them.
Don't worry, I have something better for you.
This? Oh, my God.
I haven't seen these since high school.
Oh, God, I used to be so hot.
My feathered hair, satin hot pants on.
I was high on ludes, queen of the roller disco.
I could fuck against a wall with my skates on.
No easy feat.
I could cum in a heartbeat.
Then, you keep? Oh, yeah.
I keep.
So, Blanca, how are you set for furniture? "Runway"? That piece of skin that runs between your asshole and your balls or asshole and vagina.
That's a runway.
That's called a taint.
Taint ass, taint equipment.
What the hell does that mean? No, I think "runway" is much more of a visual description.
It's a taint.
Runway.
-This is a taint.
-Runway.
Hey, Lupita.
Settle an argument for us.
What do you call the thing between the dick and the asshole? The coffee table.
I'm telling you, they could've been killed.
When bottles fall from the sky like that, it's like little torpedoes.
And they were everywhere.
Coke in the carpet, they were stuck in the walls furniture was destroyed.
It was a mess.
Please, that white girl gonna make out like Halliburton.
How much you want for this stuff? No, nothing, she was giving it away, so.
Like I'm some charity case that needs your free white lady hand-me-downs? No! I thought-- You got no problem going to church and getting free cheese.
Heylia makes me go down there.
First of all, I don't make you do shit, little girl.
And second of all, I ain't ashamed.
If it's free, it's me.
And I don't turn down nothing but my collar.
Third, don't act like you don't like free cheese just because this white child's here.
Fuck her! -Yeah, fuck me.
-No, I mean I'll take them, since you brought them.
This is for you, snowflake.
This is my special blend.
I call this here Clark Kent.
Just sniff this, right here.
Sniff that.
Sniff good, huh? Yo, you smoke this shit, and you wanna just rip your clothes off in a phone booth and fight crime.
I'm serious.
Take that.
Yo, just give a brother his keys, you can roll.
It's a big day! Barbie getting her dream car back.
-I know.
-I added a little twist to it for you.
I think you gonna like it too.
All right? Okay.
Conrad, I just wanted to talk to you about one thing.
This morning, I was in the garage-- -Okay, just-- -And I-- -What happened to my car? -No, no, no.
A trunk fell on the hood.
-A trunk fell on my baby? -It's just on the hood of the car.
-But just the hood-- -So a trunk-- -If you pound it out, it'd be fine.
-So you gonna do it? -No.
-But you'll pay for it? -I'm gonna pay for it.
-I know you'll pay.
-I just said I was gonna pay.
-I heard you.
Hey! Hey! Stop all that damn arguing.
This is a house of peace.
-Shit.
-Everybody all right? -Yeah.
-I'm cool.
Snowflake.
Snowflake? She's in shock.
Slap her.
-I ain't slapping no white woman.
-Move, I'll do it.
No, I'm okay! -You sure? -Yeah.
Yeah.
All right, let's clean this shit up.
Is somebody gonna call the police? Baby, that probably was the police.
I'm gonna go.
So wait.
I need my keys.
-I need my keys.
-We got unsettled business.
You ain't talked to me about my car, how you gonna get your keys? Boy, the girl just had her shooting cherry broke.
Give her the keys.
-We still gotta talk, though.
-Yeah, okay.
Shit.
White folks get soda pop niggas get bullets.
Hey.
Doug left these papers for the bakery.
He says, when you sign on the line, it is all ours.
-Ours? -Yeah! I cook, you sell.
Come on, I don't mind you being out in front.
I'm totally liberated.
It's me and you, babe.
-Team Botwin.
-Please leave.
I will, just as soon as you sign these papers.
There's no water in this tub! I can't do this right now.
You have to.
Doug says if you don't hurry, they're gonna put a vitamin store in.
This town does not need more Ginkgo biloba it needs pot brownies.
Come on, sign.
Andy, today it was brought to my attention that the downside of this business is death.
So right now, I'm not thinking about the bakery I'm thinking about enrolling in dental school so my children aren't orphans.
If anything happens to you I will raise Silas and Shane as my own.
Now I pledge never to die.
We're gonna have to get a longer lease.
Andy, this is my business, it has nothing to do with you.
Go downstairs, do what you do best.
Patrol the couch in your underwear.
Look, this is different.
This is my moment.
I was born to cook drugs.
Since you started the business, I will settle for only 40 percent.
That is fair.
Oh, God, I can feel it in my body.
I can feel it in my bones.
Feel my hands, they're vibrating! -Feel it in the living room.
I said, no! -Why? Andy, if you wanna sell drugs, do it on your own.
Get your own bakery, find your own customers get the fuck out of my bathroom! Yeah, fine.
Fine.
I love the fact that everyone put her best foot-- Or food.
--forward in making our bake sale the greatest ever.
Oh, my God, look at Celia.
What's she wearing? Look who's here, everyone, it's Celia.
Down, Maggie.
I have cancer, I'm not retarded.
Of course.
Would you like to take your place at the podium? No, please, keep going.
PTA needs your enthusiasm.
-"Foxy lady.
" -I was.
I was "hot stuff.
" Red satin.
I-- I was "big fun.
" -Greenpolyester.
-Celia -you can't smoke in here.
-Because? Secondhand smoke kills.
Celia, did you bring your muffins? I didn't feel like baking.
None of us ever feels like baking.
-I love baking.
-Except Pam.
But we do it anyway, for the sake of our children.
Oh, give me a break.
You're raising money for a swim team.
How much do swimming trunks cost, anyway? I'll tell you what.
Keep the change.
So we're really not getting the muffins, are we? I have in my hands the last pharmaceutical Quaalude on Earth.
See you, ladies.
Down, Pammy.
Down.
Hi, Silas.
-Hey, Chelsea.
-Hey.
So I heard you were asking for me at Tiffany's last night? Really? I don't remember that.
Someone said you were bringing more beer so I was all, "Where's Silas? Where's Silas? Where's the beer?" What happened? Did you get carded or something? Yeah.
Yeah, that's right, I got carded.
-Bummer.
-Yeah.
-Here comes trouble.
-Hey, family.
You ain't no family of mine.
State your business.
Does a guy need a reason to visit his friends? Man, you really got to cut that shit out.
You making me sick now.
-What's up? -Well I decided to go into business for myself.
Have you, now? Is there a big market for horseshit these days? No, I'm gonna sell marijuana.
I was wondering if you might know where I could procure some, would you? Well, where are you planning to unload this "marijuana" that you speak of? Why, in the wide open community of Agrestic, California.
There's not enough pot in the world to get those people stoned enough to forget where they live.
So I figure I got a pretty good shot.
Okay.
So you gonna mess with your sister-in-law's shit.
Damn, that's-- That's cold.
I feel there is enough room for both of us.
Yeah, but Nancy's been working really hard to lock that area down.
If you-- And that's her problem, not yours.
You got cash? Get the boy an ounce.
I love you, Mommy.
Oh, you gotta be kidding me.
Sir, you realize you just rolled through a stop sign, right? -Nice bike.
Did your horse die? -Sir.
You must be in killer shape.
Let me see your quads.
Can I see your driver's license and registration? When you arrest people, do you ride them in on your handlebars or do they sit with their arms around you? -Step out of the car.
-Oh, come on.
Seriously? I'm just having fun.
I mean you're a cop in bike shorts.
It's adorable.
-I have a gun.
-Cool.
I'm cool.
What's that smell? Come on, man, just give me my ticket so I can go.
Please? All right, turn around, put your hands behind your head.
-All right, come on.
-I don't think you're adorable anymore.
Can I be homeschooled? Honey, if I had my way, none of us would ever leave the house.
But that's not healthy, so no.
Why? I got sent to the school shrink.
-They'll probably be calling you.
-Oh, not again.
Why, this time? I wrote a gangster rap about killing Devon Rensler with my gat.
You did what? He's got the whole school calling me Strange Botwin.
It was just a joke.
You think that's a joke?! This isn't a joke! Bullets whizzing by his head, scared shitless?! -That is not a joke! -But I didn't-- -You should know that! -Is Andy for you.
-I can't talk to him.
What else did you say? -She no here.
-Tell me what else.
-Nothing.
-Oh, okay, I give her message.
-What? He say he in jail.
Shane! Why didn't I just take off? The guy was on a bike, for God's sake.
Because you're stupid.
So, Mrs.
Greenstein, what happens now? Incarceration in a medium-security prison for a period no longer than 10 years.
Ten years? Joke! Loosen up, there's nothing to worry about.
You're looking at a fine and probably an anti-drug class.
So no jail time? You've obviously never sat through an anti-drug class.
You had less than an ounce on you, there's no jail for that.
-Oh, that's bullshit.
-I don't understand, that's good news.
I paid for a full ounce.
They fucking cheated me! They fucking saved your ass from going to jail.
Still, that's very uncool.
There used to be an unbroken spiritual bond between dealer and buyer.
I feel your pain and I return it with a renewed sense of outrage.
So less than an ounce is a misdemeanor? That's only if the cop's an asshole.
Most cops just let you go.
What if the marijuana is in baked goods, say candy or chocolate? If you can eat it, you can beat it.
-What would get their attention? -If I sued them.
Can I sue them? -You were saying? -All right, you asked for it, you get it.
The lay of the land: Marijuana currently exists in a legal gray area.
It's not illegal to have weed-- Less than an ounce, that is, Andrew.
--but it's illegal to buy it.
-What about growing? -Botany.
As long as it's not broken down, non-specific weight we're talking a slap on the wrist.
Three to five.
-Years? -Probation.
I'm hungry.
So you can grow it, but you can't break it down? Unless you wanna go to jail.
Or flee to Mexico.
Or Canada.
Canada rocks.
Primo weed.
Really good Chinese food.
Do you have a card? Because you never know in my business when you might need a lawyer.
-What's your business? -I own a bakery.
Smart cover.
Call anytime.
Hey, I was fucking around today, all right? I didn't mean it.
Okay, look, I made a mistake, okay.
I don't want Chelsea, I don't want any other girl, all right.
I want you.
-Is your mom home? -Not yet.
She went to bail Uncle Andy out of jail.
-Well, tell her I stopped by.
-Okay.
-I like your jacket.
-Well, thank you, Shane.
Everyone thinks I've lost my mind.
Everyone thinks I'm weird.
Well, I can see how you might give that impression.
-I really don't care what they think.
-Good for you.
Let your freak flag fly.
-Really? -Really.
I've recently stopped giving a shit what anyone thinks.
And I gotta tell you, I feel great.
-But you have cancer.
-And you have a dead father.
Both of us make people really uncomfortable.
There's no way around it.
Either we can feel all self-conscious and pretend everything is normal or we can just be our strange selves.
Thanks, Mrs.
Hodes.
For what? For telling me the truth.
You're welcome.
It's a bitch, though, ain't it? I'm really gonna miss my babies.
We had some good times together.
After reconstructive surgery, you're gonna feel good as new.
Better! You're gonna have the tits of a 19-year-old girl.
I was thinking of going bigger.
-Bigger? -Really big, like freak-show big.
Forty-seven triple-Fs.
So large that other, smaller breasts will want to orbit them.
I think-- I think you've had one too many.
Do you like me? Really? Yeah.
Mostly.
Thank you.
I have to go pee.
Sorry, Mrs.
Hodes, I didn't realize anyone was in here.
Can I ask your opinion about something? Sure.
What do you think about these? Celia, what are--? Celia, what are you doing? I just wanted to show my breasts to someone who would appreciate them.
I don't give a flying fuck if you do have cancer put your tits away in front of my kid.
Sorry.
I took a lude.