Everybody Hates Chris s01e06 Episode Script
Everybody Hates Halloween
After I turned 13, a lot of things I used to when I was 12 seemed like kid stuff.
Like Halloween Trick or treat.
Hey, there we go, Reggie Jackson Miss Diana Ross! Who you supposed to be? I'm George Jefferson, you know, from The Jeffersons.
Chris, do the walk.
** Well, we're movin' on up * * Movin' on up ** Oh, yeah, all right.
I love that show.
Here you go.
You think that's bad? You should have seen the year I was Kunta Kinte's foot.
It wasn't that I didn't like Halloween anymore, I just wanted to celebrate it like a teenager, which meant going to a party.
You know, parties, they used to be like this: But, eventually, they became this: But, at 13, I had never been to a real party.
All I knew is that I didn't want to go trick-or-treating again.
Chris Come straight home so you can go trick-or-treating with Drew and Tonya.
Damn! Adaptation: Sixe Be still, baby.
Mom, can I use that Chinese robe you used to wear? Sure, what for? I want to be a samurai.
And do you have anything I could use as a sword? Boy, you are not taking a sword on street.
Man, in Bed-Stuy, you could get in trouble just for pointing your finger.
It's down the street, man, right down there, look Drop your weapon! I ain't got no weapon.
I got the weapon.
That's my finger, man.
That's my finger! Ma, do I have to take Drew and Tonya trick-or-treing?at Chris, somebody has to.
Me and your daddy are gonna staye and give out candy.
I can give out candy.
Chris, it's only going to be for an hour, so take 'em up the street and around the block, and then you'll be done.
Do I have to wear a costume? Not if you don't want to.
All right, baby.
I hope you can make it.
l'll see you later, Drew.
And remember, don't tell anybody, okay? Okay.
I knew Keisha had a crush on Drew, but that didn't stop me from liking her.
Who was that? Lisa Patterson.
They just invited me to some Halloween party.
- You got invited to a party.
- Yeah.
I'm not going, though.
I'm going trick-or-treating.
Drew was only 11, and, as exciting as girls were, they still couldn't beat free candy.
You want to go? You can't go to a Halloween party.
You're supposed to be taking us trick-or-treating.
- Why don't you mind your own business? - This is my business.
This was the first chance I had to go to a party, and I was going to go, even if I wasn't invited.
My father hated buying Halloween candy.
He didn't like spending money on stuff we kept, so buying stuff that we gave away almost drove him crazy.
Hey, baby.
What's up babe? Nickers? What's the Nickers? It's the same as a Snicker Bar.
But it's a lot cheaper.
I go to this place, they got everything.
Nickers, Two Musketeers, M&N's.
Julius-- Gravy Way? It's the same as a Milky Way.
But it tastes like gravy.
- Where you going? - Out.
Mmm mmm! You think your mom's going to let you go? I hope so.
What are you going to do about a costume? I don't know yet.
Last year, I was Super Flashlight Man.
Why are you wearing your costume now? My mom is picking me up after school.
I'm going to a Star Trek party at her house.
You know, you really do look like Spock.
Live long and prosper.
You like getting beat up? Do that some more.
Sorry.
You'd think a guy who got his ass kicked every day wouldn't leave his house in tights you would think.
How old is she? Lisa? Fifteen.
Dude, you are so in there! Anytime I did anything involving a girl, Greg thought I was "in there.
" Chris, can I borrow a pencil? Dude, you are so in there.
Hello, Chris.
Dude, you are so in there.
Had I known what I know now about teachers, I'd say that was the one time he was probably right.
Ready? Yeah, let's go.
The worst thing about Halloween in a white school is that kids actually prepare for it like they're going to war.
But Dr.
Raymond was making it his business to see that things didn't get out of hand.
Attention, students of Corleone Junior High.
Although this is Halloween, I expect order to be maintained.
I will not tolerate vandalism.
I will not tolerate mischief.
I will not tolerate mayhem.
I will not tolerate terrorism in the halls in any shape, form or fashion.
Any acts of civil disobedience will be met with harsh repercussions.
That is all.
Happy Halloween.
Help me! Help me! You okay? Yeah yeah, You okay? He did the same thing during the L.
A.
riots.
What's all that? Real Halloween candy.
Bags, everything.
I even bought a pumpkin.
That's almost $23 worth of stuff.
Rochelle! Look, Julius, I don't want people all over the neighborhood talking about I'm that woman giving out Butter Thumbs.
What are we going to do with all this Halloween candy I bought? That's almost $2.
00 worth of candy in the garbage.
Man, I've never seen anything like that in my life.
I heard, last year, they set all the teachers' cars on fire.
Hey, I got an idea for you for your costume.
What? Do you know that guy, he sings that song "Little Red Corvette"! Prince? Yeah, the girls love that guy, and you sort of look like him.
You think so? Yeah, a little bit.
Man, I can't believe we got through the whole day without getting stomped.
Yeah, I know.
All right, catch you later.
- All right.
See you.
- Yeah.
So far, Halloween wasn't going so bad.
Get off! Right now! Well, I was right nine seconds ago.
Oh, baby, what happened? I got hit with rotten eggs.
Oh! Don't you know better tean to stand around and let somebody hit you with rotten eggs? Look at your hair, boy.
They ambushed me on the bus.
Eww, Chris, you stink.
Tonya, don'you think I know that? Girl, go on.
Mama, Chris said he's not taking us trick-or-treating because he's going to a party.
What party? Chris, why do I always have to find out things from somebody else? My mother hated "finding out about things.
" I was going to ask you.
Keisha's friend Lisa is having a party.
Can I go? Sure.
I like Keisha.
All right.
What's the matter, you don't want to go? You just said I couldn't.
No, I didn't, boy, I just said yes.
You did?! Yeah.
Should be fun.
You can go after you bring Drew and Tonya back.
And I'm going to need her address and telephone number.
I need to know where you are, so I won't be worried.
Damn! * Everybody hates Chris! * Want me to make you a costume? Do you want me to make you a costume? Prince.
What? Can you make me a Prince costume? Hmm.
Okay, you guys, have fun and be careful.
And, baby, make sure you take off the Darth Vader mask so you can breathe.
Oh, and, Chris, I'll have your costume ready when you get home.
Thanks, Mom.
Oh, and y'all don't eat any candy until you get home either.
My mother would never let us eat the candy before we got home.
Don't eat the candy before I look at it! There could be poison or anything in there.
One boy ate an apple with a razor blade in it, and it cut his head off.
Where are we going? We're gonna go trick-or-treat.
Are you looking for Cocoa? Keisha.
Her name is Keisha.
Trick-or-treat! Trick-or-treat! Hey, look at y'all! - I like your costume.
- Thank you.
You're welcome.
Chris, where's your costume? I'm not trick-or-treating.
I'm just taking them.
Is Keisha here? No, why? We're supposed to be going to a party over at Lisa's, - but I lost her address.
- Oh.
I'll ask her about it.
Okay, thank you.
You're welcome.
- Tell your mama I said hi.
- Okay.
What are you doing now? This candy is way too expensive to be given to one person.
I cannot believe you.
I cannot believe you.
$23 on candy.
Well, I'm sorry, Julius.
Huh? Well, this is our first Halloween in the neighborhood, and I just wanted to make a good impression.
It's okay.
You want to help me finish cutting these up? Okay.
Here.
Cut 'em real small.
Right there.
Can I eat some of my candy? No.
You want your head to get cut off? Now, let's go.
I want to get to this party.
T rick-or-treat.
Well, where are your kids? Oh, they're outside-- just give me the candy and I'll give it to them.
Trick-or-treat.
I've got the best trick of all.
Knowledge.
Trick-or-treat.
Hey, a ghost.
Ooh! Thank you, sir.
Trick-or-treat.
Superhero-- that's good.
Up, up and away! Trick-or-treat.
What are you? I'm a matador.
Right.
Ole! Trick-or-treat.
I choose to trick: Pick a card.
Trick-or-treat.
Man, you've been here three times.
That wasn't me, that was my brother.
Trick-or-treat.
Hey! Little dude - from across the street.
- Hey.
I didn't know you still went trick-or-treating.
I'm not trick-or-treatin I'm just taking them.
Hmm.
Let me have some candy.
Hey, you know where Lisa Patterson's party is? Oh, yeah, yeah, that's gonna be the jam.
You going, too? I want to, it's just that I lost the address.
You meet me on the corner a half an hour, we can go together.
Okay, then, thanks.
Okay, so why'd you let him take my candy bar? That's Mr.
Harris.
He was the neighborhood butcher.
But on Halloween, he became Sweet Tooth, the Candy Pimp.
Candy, candy, candy! Halloween candy! So what you kids got in the bags? Give it up to Sweet Tooth.
Why don't you leave us alone? You know, this is a little light.
- Hey! - But I'm gonna give you kids a chance to make it right for old Sweet Tooth.
Give my sister her candy back now! I was so glad Drew didn't have a sword.
Do I hear back talk? N o.
I thought not.
Now, you kids get to tricking and to treating.
And you best to have all my candy.
Sweet Tooth died two years later of a bad case of gingivitis.
- Mom, some pimp took all our candy.
- What? If I had my sword, it wouldn't have happed.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You know what? Next time I'm sending y'all over to Park Slope.
Park Slope was the last thing on my mind.
For the first time in my life, I was going to a party.
Oh, and, Chris, I got your costume.
Ooh, woo! Can I have your autograph, please? Do that thing, do that thing.
* Oh, oh! ** Oh! One more time, one more time.
* Oh, oh! * You left the address and the telephone number, right? I'm gonna leave it on the table.
Okay.
Don't mess up my coat, boy.
Even though I didn't know the phone number, I was just going to a party a few blocks away.
As long as I came back on time, I didn't have anything to worry about.
Now, this is what I'm talking about! I waited 13 years to get to my first party, and now I'm here.
Let's get this party started! * Break it up, break it up, break it up! ** * Throw your hands in the air * * Wave 'em like you just don't care * * And if you came to party * ** Don't want to go home, somebody say, oh, yeah * * If your woman steps out with another man ** * That's the breaks, that's the breaks * ** And she runs off with him to Japan * * That's the breaks, that's the breaks * ** And the IRS says they want to chat ** * That's the breaks, that's the breaks * ** And you can't explain why you paid your tax ** * That's the breaks, that's the breaks * ** And Ma Bell sent you a whopping bill * They act like they've never seen a kid in a Prince suit before.
I sure hope that's a girl and a guy.
* That's the breaks, that's the breaks * ** And yesterday you lost your job * * That's the breaks, that's the breaks * ** Well, these are the breaks * * Break it up, break it up, break it up! * Planned Parenthood, here we come.
Not another one.
Hey, Julius.
Hey.
- Is R - Rochelle! Hey, girl, how you doing? I'm okay.
Chris came by earlier asking me about this party.
- Lisa's party.
- Right.
But he said that he was gonna see Keisha there.
But I told Keisha she could not go to that party 'cause those kids are too old.
- Ooh.
Now, that's a problem.
- Mm-hmm.
I have the number.
Come on in.
Thank you.
Shabazz Liquors.
Shabazz Liquor?! What's going on, man? - Hey, let me get one.
- You take this.
Whoa Take your time, man, slow it down, slow it down.
Jerome's liver died three years before he did.
Why don't you go ask her to dance? I ain't never asked a girl to dance before.
The worst thing she could say is no.
Jerome was right.
At that moment I realized a woman needs a man to take control of a situation.
And that's what I intended to do.
Hey, Keisha, you want to dance? Hell, no! Are you crazy? Actually, all she said was no.
But when you're 13, no sounds a lot like this Why are you dressed in that stupid costume? What are you supposed to be anyways? Why are you here? Didn't nobody invite you.
I invited Drew.
Get out of my face.
Dang, Keisha.
All you had to say was no.
Hey, you all right? I'll be okay.
You want to dance? Th-This is a slow song.
I know.
You better not touch my butt.
Lisa Patterson was the first girl that ever had pity on me.
To this day, I love pity.
* I love you ** ** I bet you didn't know that, girl * * Y didn't know that * ** I need you * ** Right now, baby, right now, baby * * And I bet you didn't know that * * Ebony eyes ** All right, that's it.
Man, I should have felt her ass.
A brother's got to try.
Maybe next time.
Even though I'd been hit with rotten eggs, forced to go trick-or-treating, and humiliated by Keisha, at that moment, my dream was complete.
I had gone to a party, and nothing could take that away from me.
Shabazz Liquor, huh? Okay, so I was wrong.
* Everybody hates Chris.
*
Like Halloween Trick or treat.
Hey, there we go, Reggie Jackson Miss Diana Ross! Who you supposed to be? I'm George Jefferson, you know, from The Jeffersons.
Chris, do the walk.
** Well, we're movin' on up * * Movin' on up ** Oh, yeah, all right.
I love that show.
Here you go.
You think that's bad? You should have seen the year I was Kunta Kinte's foot.
It wasn't that I didn't like Halloween anymore, I just wanted to celebrate it like a teenager, which meant going to a party.
You know, parties, they used to be like this: But, eventually, they became this: But, at 13, I had never been to a real party.
All I knew is that I didn't want to go trick-or-treating again.
Chris Come straight home so you can go trick-or-treating with Drew and Tonya.
Damn! Adaptation: Sixe Be still, baby.
Mom, can I use that Chinese robe you used to wear? Sure, what for? I want to be a samurai.
And do you have anything I could use as a sword? Boy, you are not taking a sword on street.
Man, in Bed-Stuy, you could get in trouble just for pointing your finger.
It's down the street, man, right down there, look Drop your weapon! I ain't got no weapon.
I got the weapon.
That's my finger, man.
That's my finger! Ma, do I have to take Drew and Tonya trick-or-treing?at Chris, somebody has to.
Me and your daddy are gonna staye and give out candy.
I can give out candy.
Chris, it's only going to be for an hour, so take 'em up the street and around the block, and then you'll be done.
Do I have to wear a costume? Not if you don't want to.
All right, baby.
I hope you can make it.
l'll see you later, Drew.
And remember, don't tell anybody, okay? Okay.
I knew Keisha had a crush on Drew, but that didn't stop me from liking her.
Who was that? Lisa Patterson.
They just invited me to some Halloween party.
- You got invited to a party.
- Yeah.
I'm not going, though.
I'm going trick-or-treating.
Drew was only 11, and, as exciting as girls were, they still couldn't beat free candy.
You want to go? You can't go to a Halloween party.
You're supposed to be taking us trick-or-treating.
- Why don't you mind your own business? - This is my business.
This was the first chance I had to go to a party, and I was going to go, even if I wasn't invited.
My father hated buying Halloween candy.
He didn't like spending money on stuff we kept, so buying stuff that we gave away almost drove him crazy.
Hey, baby.
What's up babe? Nickers? What's the Nickers? It's the same as a Snicker Bar.
But it's a lot cheaper.
I go to this place, they got everything.
Nickers, Two Musketeers, M&N's.
Julius-- Gravy Way? It's the same as a Milky Way.
But it tastes like gravy.
- Where you going? - Out.
Mmm mmm! You think your mom's going to let you go? I hope so.
What are you going to do about a costume? I don't know yet.
Last year, I was Super Flashlight Man.
Why are you wearing your costume now? My mom is picking me up after school.
I'm going to a Star Trek party at her house.
You know, you really do look like Spock.
Live long and prosper.
You like getting beat up? Do that some more.
Sorry.
You'd think a guy who got his ass kicked every day wouldn't leave his house in tights you would think.
How old is she? Lisa? Fifteen.
Dude, you are so in there! Anytime I did anything involving a girl, Greg thought I was "in there.
" Chris, can I borrow a pencil? Dude, you are so in there.
Hello, Chris.
Dude, you are so in there.
Had I known what I know now about teachers, I'd say that was the one time he was probably right.
Ready? Yeah, let's go.
The worst thing about Halloween in a white school is that kids actually prepare for it like they're going to war.
But Dr.
Raymond was making it his business to see that things didn't get out of hand.
Attention, students of Corleone Junior High.
Although this is Halloween, I expect order to be maintained.
I will not tolerate vandalism.
I will not tolerate mischief.
I will not tolerate mayhem.
I will not tolerate terrorism in the halls in any shape, form or fashion.
Any acts of civil disobedience will be met with harsh repercussions.
That is all.
Happy Halloween.
Help me! Help me! You okay? Yeah yeah, You okay? He did the same thing during the L.
A.
riots.
What's all that? Real Halloween candy.
Bags, everything.
I even bought a pumpkin.
That's almost $23 worth of stuff.
Rochelle! Look, Julius, I don't want people all over the neighborhood talking about I'm that woman giving out Butter Thumbs.
What are we going to do with all this Halloween candy I bought? That's almost $2.
00 worth of candy in the garbage.
Man, I've never seen anything like that in my life.
I heard, last year, they set all the teachers' cars on fire.
Hey, I got an idea for you for your costume.
What? Do you know that guy, he sings that song "Little Red Corvette"! Prince? Yeah, the girls love that guy, and you sort of look like him.
You think so? Yeah, a little bit.
Man, I can't believe we got through the whole day without getting stomped.
Yeah, I know.
All right, catch you later.
- All right.
See you.
- Yeah.
So far, Halloween wasn't going so bad.
Get off! Right now! Well, I was right nine seconds ago.
Oh, baby, what happened? I got hit with rotten eggs.
Oh! Don't you know better tean to stand around and let somebody hit you with rotten eggs? Look at your hair, boy.
They ambushed me on the bus.
Eww, Chris, you stink.
Tonya, don'you think I know that? Girl, go on.
Mama, Chris said he's not taking us trick-or-treating because he's going to a party.
What party? Chris, why do I always have to find out things from somebody else? My mother hated "finding out about things.
" I was going to ask you.
Keisha's friend Lisa is having a party.
Can I go? Sure.
I like Keisha.
All right.
What's the matter, you don't want to go? You just said I couldn't.
No, I didn't, boy, I just said yes.
You did?! Yeah.
Should be fun.
You can go after you bring Drew and Tonya back.
And I'm going to need her address and telephone number.
I need to know where you are, so I won't be worried.
Damn! * Everybody hates Chris! * Want me to make you a costume? Do you want me to make you a costume? Prince.
What? Can you make me a Prince costume? Hmm.
Okay, you guys, have fun and be careful.
And, baby, make sure you take off the Darth Vader mask so you can breathe.
Oh, and, Chris, I'll have your costume ready when you get home.
Thanks, Mom.
Oh, and y'all don't eat any candy until you get home either.
My mother would never let us eat the candy before we got home.
Don't eat the candy before I look at it! There could be poison or anything in there.
One boy ate an apple with a razor blade in it, and it cut his head off.
Where are we going? We're gonna go trick-or-treat.
Are you looking for Cocoa? Keisha.
Her name is Keisha.
Trick-or-treat! Trick-or-treat! Hey, look at y'all! - I like your costume.
- Thank you.
You're welcome.
Chris, where's your costume? I'm not trick-or-treating.
I'm just taking them.
Is Keisha here? No, why? We're supposed to be going to a party over at Lisa's, - but I lost her address.
- Oh.
I'll ask her about it.
Okay, thank you.
You're welcome.
- Tell your mama I said hi.
- Okay.
What are you doing now? This candy is way too expensive to be given to one person.
I cannot believe you.
I cannot believe you.
$23 on candy.
Well, I'm sorry, Julius.
Huh? Well, this is our first Halloween in the neighborhood, and I just wanted to make a good impression.
It's okay.
You want to help me finish cutting these up? Okay.
Here.
Cut 'em real small.
Right there.
Can I eat some of my candy? No.
You want your head to get cut off? Now, let's go.
I want to get to this party.
T rick-or-treat.
Well, where are your kids? Oh, they're outside-- just give me the candy and I'll give it to them.
Trick-or-treat.
I've got the best trick of all.
Knowledge.
Trick-or-treat.
Hey, a ghost.
Ooh! Thank you, sir.
Trick-or-treat.
Superhero-- that's good.
Up, up and away! Trick-or-treat.
What are you? I'm a matador.
Right.
Ole! Trick-or-treat.
I choose to trick: Pick a card.
Trick-or-treat.
Man, you've been here three times.
That wasn't me, that was my brother.
Trick-or-treat.
Hey! Little dude - from across the street.
- Hey.
I didn't know you still went trick-or-treating.
I'm not trick-or-treatin I'm just taking them.
Hmm.
Let me have some candy.
Hey, you know where Lisa Patterson's party is? Oh, yeah, yeah, that's gonna be the jam.
You going, too? I want to, it's just that I lost the address.
You meet me on the corner a half an hour, we can go together.
Okay, then, thanks.
Okay, so why'd you let him take my candy bar? That's Mr.
Harris.
He was the neighborhood butcher.
But on Halloween, he became Sweet Tooth, the Candy Pimp.
Candy, candy, candy! Halloween candy! So what you kids got in the bags? Give it up to Sweet Tooth.
Why don't you leave us alone? You know, this is a little light.
- Hey! - But I'm gonna give you kids a chance to make it right for old Sweet Tooth.
Give my sister her candy back now! I was so glad Drew didn't have a sword.
Do I hear back talk? N o.
I thought not.
Now, you kids get to tricking and to treating.
And you best to have all my candy.
Sweet Tooth died two years later of a bad case of gingivitis.
- Mom, some pimp took all our candy.
- What? If I had my sword, it wouldn't have happed.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You know what? Next time I'm sending y'all over to Park Slope.
Park Slope was the last thing on my mind.
For the first time in my life, I was going to a party.
Oh, and, Chris, I got your costume.
Ooh, woo! Can I have your autograph, please? Do that thing, do that thing.
* Oh, oh! ** Oh! One more time, one more time.
* Oh, oh! * You left the address and the telephone number, right? I'm gonna leave it on the table.
Okay.
Don't mess up my coat, boy.
Even though I didn't know the phone number, I was just going to a party a few blocks away.
As long as I came back on time, I didn't have anything to worry about.
Now, this is what I'm talking about! I waited 13 years to get to my first party, and now I'm here.
Let's get this party started! * Break it up, break it up, break it up! ** * Throw your hands in the air * * Wave 'em like you just don't care * * And if you came to party * ** Don't want to go home, somebody say, oh, yeah * * If your woman steps out with another man ** * That's the breaks, that's the breaks * ** And she runs off with him to Japan * * That's the breaks, that's the breaks * ** And the IRS says they want to chat ** * That's the breaks, that's the breaks * ** And you can't explain why you paid your tax ** * That's the breaks, that's the breaks * ** And Ma Bell sent you a whopping bill * They act like they've never seen a kid in a Prince suit before.
I sure hope that's a girl and a guy.
* That's the breaks, that's the breaks * ** And yesterday you lost your job * * That's the breaks, that's the breaks * ** Well, these are the breaks * * Break it up, break it up, break it up! * Planned Parenthood, here we come.
Not another one.
Hey, Julius.
Hey.
- Is R - Rochelle! Hey, girl, how you doing? I'm okay.
Chris came by earlier asking me about this party.
- Lisa's party.
- Right.
But he said that he was gonna see Keisha there.
But I told Keisha she could not go to that party 'cause those kids are too old.
- Ooh.
Now, that's a problem.
- Mm-hmm.
I have the number.
Come on in.
Thank you.
Shabazz Liquors.
Shabazz Liquor?! What's going on, man? - Hey, let me get one.
- You take this.
Whoa Take your time, man, slow it down, slow it down.
Jerome's liver died three years before he did.
Why don't you go ask her to dance? I ain't never asked a girl to dance before.
The worst thing she could say is no.
Jerome was right.
At that moment I realized a woman needs a man to take control of a situation.
And that's what I intended to do.
Hey, Keisha, you want to dance? Hell, no! Are you crazy? Actually, all she said was no.
But when you're 13, no sounds a lot like this Why are you dressed in that stupid costume? What are you supposed to be anyways? Why are you here? Didn't nobody invite you.
I invited Drew.
Get out of my face.
Dang, Keisha.
All you had to say was no.
Hey, you all right? I'll be okay.
You want to dance? Th-This is a slow song.
I know.
You better not touch my butt.
Lisa Patterson was the first girl that ever had pity on me.
To this day, I love pity.
* I love you ** ** I bet you didn't know that, girl * * Y didn't know that * ** I need you * ** Right now, baby, right now, baby * * And I bet you didn't know that * * Ebony eyes ** All right, that's it.
Man, I should have felt her ass.
A brother's got to try.
Maybe next time.
Even though I'd been hit with rotten eggs, forced to go trick-or-treating, and humiliated by Keisha, at that moment, my dream was complete.
I had gone to a party, and nothing could take that away from me.
Shabazz Liquor, huh? Okay, so I was wrong.
* Everybody hates Chris.
*