Family Guy s01e06 Episode Script

Blasted matriarch! She has failed once again to replenish this frigid box with potations.
l shall give her a piece of my mind! Damn it! Now look here, you.
Oh, my God! [Dramatic instrumental music.]
Now you shouldn't be frightened, Stewie.
What you saw was actually a very beautiful thing.
Evidently, madam, you and l differ greatly in our conception of beauty.
What l just witnessed was ghastlier than a thousand ghouls! Stewie, mommies and daddies like to hug each other that way.
ln fact, sweetie, that's sort of how you were created.
That is a vile and odious lie! How dare you fill my head with such loathsome propaganda? Get out, you horrid woman! Okay, honey.
l'll go get your teddy bear.
[Stewie moaning.]
Good Lord.
You saw them together, didn't you? You know the tub where you take your little baths? They've done it there, too.
[Exclaiming.]
LOlS: [Singing.]
''lt seems today that all you see ''is violence in movies and sex on TV ''But where are those good, old-fashioned values ''on which we used to rely? ''Lucky there's a family guy ''Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you ''all the things that make us ''laugh 'n' cry ''He's a family guy'' What in the name of our Christian God? You're out of the semicircle! All Scouts have to sit in the semicircle! Why? Why? Saunders, tell him why! Because it's Rule 142-B! Because it's Rule 142-B! Good job, Scout.
Now drop and give me 20! Thank you, sir! Ladies, this Saturday at 0800 there will be a soapbox derby as a reward for all your obedience.
[Scouts barking.]
[Cheery TV theme music.]
Mom, Dad, I reaIIy Iike Potsie.
Why not, dear? Potsie's a very nice boy.
No, Mom.
I mean, I reaIIy Iike Potsie.
MR.
CUNNlNGHAM: We heard you the first time.
You have a homosexuaI attraction to Potsie.
Anything on that remote lower than mute? l got a surprise for you, Chris.
lt'll have to wait.
This is where the Fonz goes.
[Exclaiming.]
[Exclaiming.]
[Laughing.]
Take that, 1950s society! Okay, let's go.
Chris, this is the speed machine that's gonna win you the soapbox derby.
But, Dad, l was supposed to build it myself.
lt's a rule.
Come on.
Rules were made to be broken.
[Peter grunts.]
Here, let me show you the turbo booster.
Dad, what would you say if l told you l didn't want to be in the Scouts? l'd say come again? And then l'd laugh because l said ''come.
'' But thank God that's not the case.
You're a Scout.
And you know what that means? That means l love you.
Meg? Chris, get out of here! You're not allowed in my room.
l thought that was just when you were asleep.
What do you want? l don't want to be in the Scouts anymore.
l just want to draw.
l was kinda hoping you could tell Dad.
But try and open with a joke.
Tell him yourself.
l can't.
l don't want to disappoint him again.
You remember when he tried to sneak me into the County Fair? One, please.
[Chris sneezes.]
Wait a second! Your ass just sneezed! And horses can't talk! No! Nothing about this adds up at all! Okay, look.
Dad is really easy.
All you have to do is sit on his lap give him a big kiss on the cheek, look him right in the eye, and he's butter.
What the hell? Dad, the Scouts are no fun.
And l.
Wait a minute.
Chris, l am going to stand up, walk out of this room and we will never speak of this again.
[Moans.]
[Exciting instrumental music.]
Speed, you should not race! Ha-ha! The Mach 5 is not ready! Ha-ha! But Pops, l must race! Ha-ha! Very well.
But l am not really your father! Ha-ha! [Exclaiming.]
[Crowd cheering.]
Okay girls, get ready [Scouts making revving sounds.]
get set.
[Stammering.]
Please God, l don't ask you for much.
But let my boy win this race.
Do not go until l wave my flag.
l can't stress that enough.
l'll wave it once just to show you how it looks.
CHRlS: Look out! LEADER: Griffin is disqualified! [Leader grunting.]
LEADER: Your boy is out of the Scouts! Who died and made you President Nixon? Look, it's been two years! Your idiot son hasn't earned a single merit badge.
lf you'll excuse me, l've got to administer some spankings.
Come on.
Give him a little more time.
All right! You've got three days to earn a badge! Three days! That's tomorrow! We gotta get going! [Cheery instrumental music.]
Stewie, look what Mommy made for dessert.
Jell-O.
How exotic! l feel like l'm on the deck of the QE II.
Me and Chris will take ours to go.
We've only got one more night to get that badge.
Dad, maybe we should just give up.
l mean, we tried everything.
We almost got that one for insect study.
Look, Chris.
lt's a whole family of WASPs.
My, Margaret.
What a sub-par ham.
Perhaps l can't bake a ham.
But what l can cook up is a little grace and civility at the table.
Patty, did you know that your mother is a whore? l think it's great that you and Chris've been spending so much time together.
But he's the one who should be earning that badge.
Where do you get off telling me how to raise my son? Right.
Okay.
We'll try it your way, honey.
[Laughing nervously.]
PETER: There's my Scout! Not anymore, Dad.
l'm out.
They made me turn in my uniform and everything.
What? Those bastards! Don't you worry.
l'll get you back in! lt's okay, Dad.
l'm not really-- Don't take no for an answer, Chris.
You're a Griffin.
And a Griffin never knows when to stop.
PETER: Clear! PETER: Clear! [Gasping.]
You saved my life, Doctor! PETER: Clear! l'm calling that troop leader.
We're going over his head.
Straight to the Scout head office in New York.
Pack your bags, you guys! The Griffins are hitting the Big Apple! Ha-ha! Did you hear? The Griffins are going to New York! This does not affect us at all.
Ha-ha! l can't believe we're going to New York.
Dad, you don't really have to do this.
Yes, l do.
No boy of mine is gonna get booted out of the Scouts.
[Chris moans.]
What the hell do you think you're doing? Strapping you in, honey, so you don't get hurt.
So l don't get hurt.
That's the best you can do, you dull-witted termagant? l brought your Raffi tape.
Play WheeIs on the Bus and get the hell out of my sight.
Where's Brian? Aren't you coming? No, thanks.
l've been to New York.
lt's like Prague sans the whimsy.
Will you be okay by yourself?.
l think l'll manage.
All right, you guys.
We're off! Those Scouts are never gonna know what hit them.
And neither will that guy.
[Tires squealing.]
[Adventurous instrumental music.]
Okay.
l'm thinking of a movie.
-ls it an action movie? -No.
-ls it a musical? -No.
-ls it a good movie? -lt has its moments.
-CooI Runnings.
-Right! [Music on TV.]
After years of study, I've discovered the secret to Ionger Iife in canines.
And that secret is-- TV NARRATOR: We interrupt this program for some episodes of One Day at a Time.
Damn it, JuIie.
I'm a singIe mother doing the best damn job she knows how! And damn it, Schneider! I asked you to fix that damn sink two days ago! I'II fix your sink, Miss Romano.
And by that I mean I'II have sex with you.
And by that, I mean I'II fix your sink.
And by ''sink, '' I mean your reproductive organ.
[Laughter from TV audience.]
And by ''reproductive organ, '' I mean the thing between your knees.
And by ''the thing between your knees, '' I.
I guess that one's kind of seIf-expIanatory.
[Brian hollers.]
Peter, we're lost.
Would you please ask for directions? We are not lost.
And even if we were l can't ask a human being for directions.
-Why not? -Because l'm a man.
Haven't you ever seen a stand-up comedian, Lois? Dad, maybe we should go home.
No way.
We came to get you back into the Scouts.
And that's exactly what we're gonna do.
[Gurgling.]
-What was that? -Nothing.
[Gurgling.]
Peter, the car is making funny noises.
You're wrong again, Lois.
That wasn't the car.
Although you were right about that prune smoothie.
Are you okay? l'll be fine.
l just have to concentrate on driving.
[Alarming instrumental music.]
[Groaning.]
[Gurgling.]
[Peter groans.]
[Peter groans.]
Come on! That one's not even real! God! We gotta stop! [Car screeching.]
MEG: Wow! An lndian casino! Yeah.
l gotta find me the stink lodge! [Moaning.]
[Thrilling instrumental music.]
Come on, you guys.
No time to lose! Hold it.
Hold it! Hold it! [Moaning.]
AUTOMATED lNDlAN: WeIcome to our casino, paIefaces.
FeeI free to visit gift shop in Iobby and restaurant on second fIoor.
Do you have reservations? OnIy about the veaI! [Laughing.]
This is gonna be a photo finish, Lois! [Moaning.]
l'm gonna ask someone for directions.
Meg, watch Stewie.
Excuse me.
Can you tell me how to get to New York? Sure.
But what's your hurry, ma'am? Don't you want to play first? Thank you.
But l really don't approve of gambling.
Technically it's not really gambling.
We're trying to rebuild our shattered culture after you raped our land and defiled our women.
As long as you're not using it for firewater.
Look, a bow tie.
[Singing.]
l'm David Bowie.
Bo Derek! Very funny! Now tell the one that doesn't suck! [Laughter and applause.]
Thank you.
Yes.
And what's the deal with airline food? Thanks, ''Watches You Pee.
'' PETER: Where's your mother? Over there.
l didn't know you knew how to play poker.
-Yeah.
-How you doing? -Yeah.
-That's good, honey.
Let's go.
Yeah.
lt's funny.
l never knew video poker could be so much fun.
You win a few hands and all those lights go off.
And you just feel so good inside.
Yeah, gambling is great.
No question about it.
lt felt so good.
l kept putting my money in.
And before l knew it, l'd lost $40.
l'm so embarrassed.
That's okay.
As long as you learned your lesson.
l did, Peter, for a couple of minutes.
Then.
This is so silly.
l started playing again.
l could swear l parked here.
Yeah, you did.
But here's the really silly thing, Peter.
l sort of bet our car.
[Exclaiming.]
l won't panic.
l need to go back in the casino and find a high roller who'll pay $1 million to sleep with my wife.
What? That's ridiculous! These people took $24 for the island of Manhattan.
They have no idea what things are worth! MEG: Nice going, Mom.
l finally get my driver's license and you lose the car to a poker machine.
How ironic.
Don't talk about your mother that way.
She is not an iron.
We gotta figure out a way to get to New York and get Chris back into the Scouts.
But Dad-- l got it.
l'll just get Brian to wire us some money.
[Phone ringing.]
[Brian laughing.]
Damn it, JuIie! I am not shacking up with my boyfriend.
I am just going away for the weekend.
SCHNElDER: Yeah.
AII the away.
[TV audience laughing.]
[TV audience laughing.]
[Hooting.]
Damn, Schneider! What won't you say? No answer at the house.
You didn't bet that, too, did you? l'm sorry, Peter.
l feel so foolish.
lt just seemed like such a good cause.
Everyone in the tribe gets a share in the casino's profits.
-What did you just say? -''l'm sorry.
'' -After that.
-''l feel foolish.
'' -After that.
-''Casino's profits.
'' -Before that.
-''Everyone in the tribe.
'' -The whole thing.
-''Everyone in the tribe shares the profit?'' That's it! Let's go! l'm sorry to hear about your misfortune.
But we're not allowed to return gambling losses.
l think you can make an exception in our case, Lenny.
See, l'm an lndian, too.
LENNY AND LOlS: Excuse me? You heard me.
l'm a member of your tribe.
And that entitles me to a share of your wampum, kemosabe.
Whoa.
Wait a second.
Not so fast.
Tell me of your history, of your past.
l come from a long line of you people.
My great-grandfather's name was Jeep Grand Cherokee.
l mean, Chief Grand Cherokee.
He was a rainmaker.
[Native singing.]
[Singing.]
''l'm so happy doing the neutron dance ''l'm just burning doing the neutron dance'' And he also killed a bunch of Krauts at Wounded Knee.
So are you gonna give me back my car, or what? l have to confer with the council of the elders.
You wait here.
Are you nuts, Peter? You'll never get away with this.
Why not? l've fooled people before.
You remember that time l pretended to be gay? [Cheery TV music.]
There is no way they're gonna believe you're an lndian.
LENNY: He's an lndian.
How do you know? -l can tell.
-You think everyone's an lndian.
He could just be another moocher.
Maybe we can put him through a test.
Like a really impossible stunt to prove he's the real deal.
Way to think outside the box, Frank.
To prove you are truly a member of our tribe, you must go on a vision quest.
Do you know what a vision quest is? Of course l do.
l'm an lndian.
But why don't you explain it to my wife? She's a little slow in the head.
A vision quest is a sacred spiritual journey.
Your husband must go out in the wilderness without food or water.
-Or shoes.
-Yeah.
Or shoes.
He must remain there until he can communicate with nature.
He must hear the wisdom of the rocks and trees.
And then his guiding spirit must appear to him and reveal a great personal truth.
And it's gotta be a real vision.
We're lndians.
We're gonna know if he's lying.
[Howling ominously.]
[Laughing.]
Sucker.
LOlS: Peter, please don't do this.
We can buy another car.
l'll give extra piano lessons on Sundays.
Come on.
All l gotta do is have a spiritual vision.
l've had one before.
Oh, my God, Brian.
There's a message in my Alpha Bits.
lt says ''Ooooo.
'' Peter, those are Cheerios.
You must begin your journey now.
-Now's your chance to be alone with Dad.
-Are you nuts? l'm not attracted to Dad.
-Tell him you don't want to be in Scouts.
-Thanks, Meg.
Yipes.
Dad, can l come? -How about it, Lenny? -What the hey? The more the merrier.
Now get the hell out of here, you nut, and go have yourself a spiritual vision.
[Mysterious instrumental music.]
Water! Thank God! CHRlS: Dad, l'm hungry.
Are we gonna die? PETER: Of course not.
This isn't the first time l found my own food in the wild.
[Girl humming.]
[Peter shouting.]
[Girl screams.]
[Laughing.]
Dumb broad.
[Screaming.]
[Wolf growling.]
They've been gone for over six hours.
How long do these vision quests usually take? lt varies.
lt depends on the person's age, and height, and sign.
You have no idea, do you? Of course l.
No.
Why would you send my husband and son out into the wilderness without any food or supplies? Because we really like your car? [Lois sighs.]
They're dead, you know.
[Wolves howling.]
Must eat.
Haven't snacked in hours.
Can't feel my eyes.
Wonder if club-footed midgets get justice in heaven.
TREE 1 : Hot enough for you? What? l say, ''Hot enough for you?'' Yeah.
l guess.
Oh, my God! l'm communicating with nature! Tree, if one of you falls and there's no one around, do you make a noise? Are you kidding? Scott fell last week.
-He hasn't shut up about it since.
-Sure.
Stand there and bitch! But would any of you take the time to help me? l'm playing the world's smallest violin, Scott.
FONZlE: Yo, Griffin! The Fonz! [Exclaiming.]
What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be in the middle of a Tuscadero sandwich? Yeah.
But l'm your spiritual guide, see? l want to lay a little personal truth on you.
Now, Mr.
C was like a father to me.
And he always listened, you know? And Griffin, right now, your son needs you to listen to him.
Whoa! Sure.
Whatever you say.
Fonzie? There's something l always wanted to ask you.
You were with a lot of girls.
-Did you ever get a sexual disease? -Herpes twice.
And the clap.
[Exclaiming.]
Dad? Can l talk to you? Not now, son! Sure.
Go right ahead.
Sure.
Go right ahead.
l don't want to be a Scout, Dad.
l just don't have fun there.
-l guess you're pretty disappointed in me.
-Yeah! -Dad, this is what l really like to do.
-What? You want to draw? Son, why don't you just stick a knife in my heart? -l mean, so you drew this? -Yeah.
l know they suck.
Not all of them.
Some of these look pretty good.
-Really? -Yeah! l didn't know anyone in this family had any talent.
Except for that one thing your mother does.
-You mean play the piano? -No.
She.
Yeah.
l probably don't say this often enough.
But l'm really proud of you, Chris.
Thanks, Dad.
[Singing.]
''And the cat's in the cradle with the silver spoon ''little boy blue and the man in the moon ''When you coming home, Dad? l don't know when ''But we'll get together then, son You know we'll have a--'' Oh, my God! TREES: Fire! Let's get out of here! TREE: Run, you stupid bastards! Peter? Chris? Thank God.
Are you okay? Fantastic, Lois! l saw my guiding spirit.
Whoa! Wait a second! You had a vision? lt was amazing! l spoke to the trees.
And l saw the Fonz.
Really? What's the Fonz like? l bet he's stuck up.
A little.
But thanks to him, me and Chris have never been closer.
l want a spiritual vision, too! Man! l guess we've lost touch with our noble roots.
l mean, sure this casino's brought our tribe money and prosperity.
-But what is the price of our souls? -$6 million a week.
That sounds right.
Take your crappy car back.
Come on, boys.
Let's go hit the buffet.
All right! We did it! Let's get the hell out of here.
Stupid, greedy savages! Stewie, that's a terrible thing to say.
This one particular tribe has lost their way.
But most Native Americans are proud hardworking people who are true to their spiritual heritage.
They are certainly not savages.
That's funny, Mother.
Just this morning you said they were lazy like the dirty Mexicans.
Just kidding.
The Mexicans are a clean and industrious people with a rich cultural heritage.
Yeah.
Not like those dumb, gargantuan Swedes.
Actually, the Swedish people run the gamut from very short to tall.
And did you know that Sweden gave us the brilliant inventor, Alfred Nobel? Yeah.
Which is more than we ever got from those freeloading Canadians.
Canada sucks.
[Theme music.]