Frasier s01e06 Episode Script

You're listening to KACL, This is Dr Frasier Crane.
Our lines are open.
So please give us a call.
I'm just sitting here waiting.
Seattle, come on, I know you're out there.
I realise it's a sunny day, but on the rainy days I was there for you.
All right, if that's the way you want it, you leave me no recourse.
# When the moon hits your eye Like a big pizza # Ah, seems I got you going there, OK! All right, then.
I knew you were out there.
OK, Roz, who do we have? We have Gary on line two.
He and his wife had a fight.
Sorry to hear that, Gary.
I'm listening.
'My wife's hell-bent on going to Italy this year.
' Ah, Italia! The rolling hills of Toscana, the art of Firenze, the passion that is Venezia! 'Yeah, well, anyway, I like taking a vacation as much as the next guy, 'but if we dip into our savings, 'we should buy a new sump pump for the basement ' Let me stop you there.
I'm siding with your wife here.
'But it's 1,800 bucks, without the Splendours of the Vatican package.
' There is more to life than sump pumps.
Whatever happened to feeding our souls? I purchased a painting by one of our premier artists.
Oh, it's not important who.
Well, it's Seattle's own Martha Paxton.
Practical, no, but Ever since acquiring that painting, I look at it every day and every time I do, I'm uplifted by its beauty.
So, Gary, go to Italy.
Bring back a suitcase full of memories.
Will you do that? 'I still think I should get the sump pump.
' Well, then yes, Gary, you You should get the sump pump.
We'll be right back after this newsbreak.
Roz? Uh, just what is a sump pump? If you need one, you'll know.
Do you own a Paxton or were you blowing sunshine up Gary's skirt? - Yes, indeed, I do own a Paxton.
- She's on line three.
A pre-eminent neo-fauvist and you put her on hold! Well, the phone rang, I Ms Paxton, oh, I'm so sorry to have kept you waiting.
Well, thank you! Yes.
I'm very flattered that you listen to my little show.
Yes, I meant every word.
That's lovely.
I'd like to meet you, too, sometime.
I'm having a few friends over for a little gathering this Friday night for some cocktails and such.
I suppose you're far too You would? Oh, that's marvellous! It's the Elliott Bay Towers, on the counterbalance, around 7:00 is fine.
Well, I'll see you then.
Ciao! - I didn't know about your cocktail party.
- That makes two of us.
(Piano is playing jazz) Me theory on death is, you're whisked down a dark tunnel towards a white light and you get all the jokes you never got before.
You let out a little chuckle and then you die.
(Chuckles) Delightful story, but I think the toast points need replenishing.
Be right on it.
Enchanting.
Why is no-one eating the mousseline of duck? You mangy little cur! Get! Get! Get! Oh! Now we know why.
The dog is eating the food, the pianist is too intrusive, the Pinot Noir is far too stagy - It's 7:05, and Martha isn't here.
- I won't have to sedate you, will I? No, I'm just on edge.
I want everything to be perfect.
Where's Maris? I haven't seen her all night.
She's on your bed asleep under the guests' coats.
She exhausts easily under the pressure to be interesting.
- She should be looking after Dad! - He's in the bathroom.
(Doorbell) That must be La Paxton! And fashionably late, of course! Oh, hi, Roz, it's you.
- And you look radiant! - I look like crap.
I stained my dress, over-plucked one eyebrow, and the crotch of my pantyhose is creeping down to my knees.
Why not do it on the elevator? Oh, my goodness, you've got a neck! What do you think? Is it how you imagined? To be frank, I don't spend my idle hours imagining how you live.
But I did expect lots of beige.
And look, I was right.
- Would you like a drink? - Sure, something light.
Double bourbon, rocks, and spill a little in the glass.
Oh, Daphne, you're here, too.
My goodness, shouldn't you be mixing? Don't mind me.
I'm just getting some ice.
- Lovely party, isn't it? - Yes, it is.
This fresh fennel smells wonderful, doesn't it? It certainly does.
Dr Crane, were you sniffing my hair? Why would I do that? I'm married, I love my Maris.
- Where should I put this coat? - Just throw it on the bed.
So, which one is your dad? He's the gentleman showing Bethany Van Pelt the photographs.
Oh, my God! When we got to her, it was hanging by two tendons.
Would you excuse us, please? Stop showing crime scene photos.
She was the one who brought it up! Oh, yeah, the Junior League head brought up the subject of a hooker who was dismembered and scattered in a warehouse? She asked, "Are these meatballs the messiest thing you've ever seen?" - And I said "no - Dad, please! All right, but stop shadowing me! I don't need a nursemaid! All right, just give me your word.
Watch him! Hi, Niles.
You may not remember me I do! Be a love and watch that man with a cane.
(Doorbell) Everyone! Dr Crane? - I'm Martha Paxton.
- Of course.
Who else could you be? Welcome to my salon.
Everyone, your attention please! Let's welcome our guest of honour, the renowned artist, Martha Paxton! - May I take your poncho? - No, I never take it off at parties.
- So I don't have to shake hands.
- How delightfully eccentric.
You must meet my brother Niles.
Oh, Niles! Ms Paxton? Dr Niles Crane.
It's an honour to shake your hand.
Well, to shake anything of yours is an honour.
Now, where did you hang my painting? I'd like to know how people live with my work.
"Live with my work.
" I love that phrase.
This way, please.
This is the perfect spot for an ideal viewing.
Oh, God I've waited so long for this moment.
I'll let you describe your work, "Elegy In Green," in your own words.
You insinuate the palette but never lean on it.
You've captured the Zeitgeist! It's the most perfect canvas I've gazed upon.
One can only imagine what inspired you to paint it! I didn't paint it.
Well, of course you didn't.
You created it, you gave birth to it.
I didn't do anything to it.
I never saw this painting before.
And you thought I was going to embarrass you.
- I liked your friend, Roz.
- What? Roz, at the party tonight.
Nice gal.
Ask her out.
She's great-looking and she can really hold her liquor.
Dad, you mind? I've had the most humiliating evening.
I've been made a fool of by this this thing.
I may be just a girl from Manchester, but I have to tell you.
Even though it's not a Paxton, I really like it.
I liked it before I even knew who Martha Paxton was and, frankly, I don't think that woman bathes.
Enjoy it while you can, because it's going back to the dealer.
I'll demand my money back.
No one takes advantage of Frasier Crane! You're upset.
I'll return it for you.
I appreciate the gesture, but what do you know about the art world? Apparently about as much as you do.
I can see the love in your eyes.
You must have this painting.
- Are you the owner? - Yes, I am, Philip Hayson.
- I'm Dr Frasier Crane.
- I have a little - The Dr Frasier Crane on the radio? Guilty, yes.
My wife and I love your show.
Could I have your autograph? But speaking of autographs, I have a problem with this painting.
- Would you like a glass of wine? - Actually We toured the Loire Valley and we bought four cases of this.
It's quite extraordinary.
- I'd rather not have any wine - Just a moment, just - Oh, it finishes well.
- Would you like more? No, thank you.
I gave a small soiree which Martha Paxton attended and she told me that this painting was not her work.
I can imagine how embarrassing that was.
- I doubt it.
- Let's take a look at that in a slightly better light, shall we? Oh, yes, I remember this.
It's breathtaking.
Ronald, Diane, will you step in here? Remember when this piece was in the gallery, everyone wanted it? Yes, it's special.
Mrs Chitcherelli wanted to buy it.
Yes, but it's not a Paxton.
It says here that it is a Paxton.
The signature Martha Paxton says it's not a Paxton! - Oh, Martha! How is the old dear? - She and I go back a long way.
- Is she still? - As a melon, yes.
- More wine? - No, I want to discuss this painting.
- Some brie? - No, I don't want any brie.
I want my money back! That's where things might just get a bit prickly.
We have a strict policy here.
All sales are final.
- You'll make an exception.
- I can't.
- But it's a forgery.
- If it is, it's a damn good one.
I'll make this simple, I want my money.
I'm sure you do.
Oh, I know what you're doing.
You're agreeing with me, hoping I'll tire and leave.
- Whatever you say.
- I don't believe it.
You're shining me on! Where is the justice in this? If you ever find justice in this world, let me know, will you? Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some work to do.
Did a crate of freshly painted Rembrandts just arrive? You're not getting away with this.
I am not leaving! I thought you were going to return it.
They wouldn't take it back.
All I got was a cheap glass of wine.
Loire Valley, my ass.
- Now what? - I'll call the police.
- 555-3000.
- Thanks.
Try to mess with Dr Frasier Crane.
Hello Oh, just a second.
Dad, who do I ask for? Fine Arts Forgery Department.
Hello, yes, the Fine Arts Forgery Department, please.
Dad! They're laughing at me.
Give me the phone.
Hi, who's this? Hey, Doris! Yeah, Marty Crane.
Yeah, that was my son.
I just thought he needed a bite of a reality sandwich.
Yeah, give my best to the guys.
Thanks.
Yeah, bye.
- What was that? - They handle murders and robberies.
No time for artsy-fartsy stuff.
What am I supposed to do? I've been cheated! What were you doing back there? Maris lost her earring.
Daphne crawled under the bed to look for it while I Yes? searched the credenza.
Maybe it was trampled into the hallway carpet when everybody stampeded for the elevator.
No one stampeded! Good guests just know when to leave.
- Two hours early.
- Shut up! Does this foul mood mean you were unable to unload the bogus Paxton? Yes.
What's the name of that vicious lawyer you use? The one I used to sue the contractor or to sue the personal trainer? - The meanest.
- The second one.
- I used him to sue the first one.
- Give me his number.
Forget it.
Five years of litigation will be eight times the painting's price.
- I hate lawyers! - They make wonderful patients.
They have excellent health insurance and they never get better.
I know, I can use my radio show.
I can use my bully pulpit to expose that man for the fraud he is! They'll sue you for slander.
Where is the justice? Where can I turn to? I'm a beloved household name and I've been screwed! You're 41.
It's time you learned something.
The system ain't perfect.
Sometimes the bad guy wins and things you thought would help you, the courts and the police, aren't there when you need them.
So let it eat a hole in your stomach or file it away under the heading "Sometimes life sucks".
That file's getting pretty thick.
So Hayson just gets away with it.
He's sitting there with his wine and his little chuckle at my expense.
I see why people take matters into their own hands.
It would be so satisfying to just slash his tyres or throw a brick through his window! To show that you can't get away with this.
I know you would never resort to that sort of thing.
Would you, Frasier? There's a vein throbbing in your forehead.
I couldn't find it, but I'll try something else.
Give me the other earring.
Maybe I'll get something.
Oh, yes, I'm getting a feeling.
It's in your father's room.
No, It's in Dr Crane's room.
No Oh, this is odd.
Now it's in the hallway.
Eddie! Good evening.
Lovely night, isn't it? Yes, well, uh Good night.
(Car horn) - Get in the car.
- What are you doing here? - Stopping you from being stupid.
- I know this is wrong, but it's the only thing left for me! All right, Frasier.
Just give me the brick and no one will get hurt.
- It's none of your business.
- It is.
- How.
- Remember in school when somebody took my clothes while I showered? They hung them from the goalpost.
I had to get a ladder and climb up there wearing only a towel, wet and shivering.
Then the towel fell off.
There I was, hanging naked from a goalpost, and everyone was laughing, and Coach Medwick just stood there going Whatever that means.
Why are you telling me this? Because I was so humiliated.
I went home, I cried my eyes out.
I swore I would get even.
I was just about to put sugar into Coach Medwick's gas tank, and you stopped me.
You said, "If you act like a barbarian, you will become one.
" I said that? - Actually, you were more verbose.
I had to listen while you were sitting on my chest.
- Give me the brick, Frasier.
- And let him get away with this? What the gallery owner did was wrong and humiliating.
But if you throw that brick, you will have lost something more valuable than your money.
You will have lost your mind.
You can't do this! If you could show restraint after so much humiliation, not to mention the nicknames - Nicknames.
There were nicknames? - You didn't know that? Dear God.
Peachfuzz, Jingle Bells I can't remember the rest.
- "Peachfuzz"? - Coach Medwick made that one up.
Well, anyway, here you are.
I won't be needing this any more.
I'm proud of you.
- What have you done? - Nobody calls me Peachfuzz! Now let's get the hell out of here! What are you doing? We may be barbarians, but we pay for our pillaging.
Go! Go! Go! Go! # Baby, I hear the blues a-calling # Tossed salads and scrambled eggs # Oh, my # Maybe I seem a bit confused # Yeah, maybe but I got you pegged! # But I don't know what to do with those # Tossed salads and scrambled eggs # They're calling again # Scrambled eggs all over my face # What is a boy to do? # Frasier has left the building.