Queer as Folk s01e06 Episode Script

?? ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR FIVE, SIX, TAKE IT, DUDE ?? ???? ???? ?? ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR ???? ???? Michael: [ Narrating .]
OKAY, SO I'M A GAY MAN WITH A SUPERHERO FETISH.
YES, WE'RE OUT THERE.
AND NO, IT DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH IMMATURITY.
I THINK WE GAY BOYS LEARN IMPORTANT LESSONS FROM COMIC BOOKS.
ONE: THERE ARE A LOT OF VILLAINS OUT THERE, SO YOU BETTER DEVELOP SOME SECRET POWERS.
TWO: IF YOU HAVE A GOOD BODY, YOU CAN WEAR TIGHT CLOTHES.
AND THREE: IT'S ALWAYS GOOD TO BE PART OF A DYNAMIC DUO.
I TOTALLY BLEW IT.
DON'T WORRY.
THERE'S STILL PLENTY OF CREEPY OLD MEN OUT THERE WHO'D LOVE TO GET IN YOUR PANTS.
HE WASN'T THAT OLD.
HE WASN'T CREEPY.
HE WAS NICE.
MY FIRST DOCTOR.
CHIROPRACTOR.
THAT COUNTS I THINK.
UH, WE GOT IN THE NEW CATWOMAN.
COOL.
HE TAKES ME TO THIS REALLY NICE RESTAURANT, AND I BEHAVE LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT, DRESSED UP LIKE SOME SLICK ASSHOLE.
HEY, THAT WAS MY $1,200 LEATHER JACKET.
IT WASN'T ME.
YOU KNOW WHY? 'CAUSE I'M NOBODY.
THAT'S MY PROBLEM.
ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME? I TUNE OUT SELF-PITY.
IT MAKES MY DICK SOFT.
AND WE WOULDN'T WANT THAT WOULD WE? JUST FORGET I SAID ANYTHING.
[ Clears Throat .]
OH, WOW.
LOOK.
IT'S THE NEW ELECTRA WOMAN DOLL.
I'M GOING TO BUY THIS FOR GUS.
DON'T.
I DON'T WANT A GAY KID.
HE'S BEING RAISED BY TWO LESBIANS.
HE'S GOING TO NEED A FEMININE INFLUENCE.
BESIDES, IT'LL BE A COLLECTOR'S ITEM.
I'LL TAKE IT.
I'M GOING OVER THERE.
- I'LL GO TOO.
- NO.
YOU'RE GOING BACK TO THE DOCTOR.
TELL HIM YOU WANT TO GIVE IT ANOTHER TRY.
DOES YOUR MOM KNOW YOU'RE OUT BUYING JEWELRY? OH, SHE'S TOTALLY COOL WITH EVERYTHING.
OR AT LEAST SHE'S PRETENDING TO BE BECAUSE SHE'S SCARED I'LL RUN AWAY AND BECOME A HAIRDRESSER.
I HATE YOU.
MY MOM'S SUCH A BITCH, AND I HAVEN'T EVEN GIVEN HER A REASON YET.
- HOW ABOUT THESE? - THEY'RE TOTALLY QUEER.
SHUT UP.
THEY'RE A SYMBOL OF OUR FRIENDSHIP.
OKAY.
THANKS.
ACTUALLY, I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY.
I HAD TO BUY A NEW FAKE I.
D.
LOOK! THAT'S THEM! BRIAN'S LESBIANS.
HEY! HEY, HOW'S IT GOING? I'M SORRY.
DO WE KNOW YOU? I'M JUSTIN.
BRIAN'S FRIEND.
I WAS THERE THE NIGHT GUS WAS BORN.
I NAMED HIM.
OH, RIGHT.
YEAH.
SO WHEN GUS ENDS UP PUMPING GAS, WE'LL HAVE YOU TO THANK.
- [ Chuckles .]
- THIS IS DAPHNE.
HI.
I'M NOT A LESBIAN, BUT I-I'M A BIG FAN.
- [ Chuckles .]
- HE'S GOTTEN SO BIG ALREADY.
YOU WOULD TOO IF ALL YOU DID WAS SLEEP AND EAT ALL DAY.
- HE DOES.
- HE'S LIKE THE CUTEST BABY I'VE EVER SEEN.
- IF YOU NEED A BABY-SITTER-- - DON'T SAY THAT UNLESS YOU MEAN IT.
AND IF YOU NEED ANY HELP CARRYING STUFF TO THE CAR, I'D BE GLAD TO BE OF ASSISTANCE.
WOW, YOU'RE GOOD FOR 1,001 USES.
Daphne: I'LL SEE YOU LATER? Justin: I DON'T KNOW.
I'M OUT.
AT WORK? THAT'S FABULOUS.
OUT OF THE SCENE, I MEAN.
I'VE MADE UP MY MIND.
NO MORE BARS, NO MORE BATHS, NO MORE CLUBS.
YOU'LL NEVER SEE MY FACE AT BABYLON AGAIN.
OH, PLEASE! YOU CAN'T LET ONE LITTLE DRUG-INDUCED COMA GET YOU DOWN.
WHAT DO YOU THINK? YOU LOOK UNBELIEVABLY TRASHY.
TALKED ME INTO IT.
I'LL BUY IT.
YOU MISSED MY POINT ENTIRELY.
EVERYTHING WE DO, EVEN THE CLOTHES WE WEAR, IS A CONSCIOUS, OR WORSE YET, UNCONSCIOUS ATTEMPT TO GET LAID.
YES, IT'S TRUE.
THERE IS AN OVEREMPHASIS ON SEX.
BUT WHY NOT BUY TWO SIZES TOO SMALL AND GO WITH IT? BECAUSE, TRAGICALLY, SOME OF US WERE NOT BORN TO WEAR LYCRA.
HERE, CHECK OUT THE PERSONALS.
PERHAPS YOU'LL FIND SOMEONE TO NOT GO OUT WITH.
YOU KNOW, ONE THING I NEVER UNDERSTOOD ABOUT THESE ADS, WHY IS IT ALWAYS "TIT WORK" AND "ASS PLAY"? IF YOU ASK ME, IT'S A LOT HARDER TO-- LOOK AT THIS, AT THE CENTER.
"DATE-BAIT: MEET OTHER SINGLE GAY MEN "IN A CIVILIZED EVENING OF CONVERSATION.
NO PICK-UPS, NO FACE-TO-FACE REJECTION.
" THEY HAVE AN OVER-30 NIGHT.
WHERE? AT THE MORGUE? JUST FOR THAT, YOU'RE GOING WITH ME.
I AM NOT OVER 30.
AND I AM NOT GOING ALONE.
I DIDN'T REALIZE WE HAD SCHEDULED A FOLLOW-UP VISIT.
WE DIDN'T.
I TOLD THEM IT WAS AN EMERGENCY.
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? I'M A JERK.
CAN YOU ADJUST THAT? PROVIDED IT'S NOT A PERMANENT CONDITION.
SEE, THE THING IS, I DON'T DATE VERY OFTEN.
YOU KNOW, REAL "EAT A MEAL, TALK, STARE INTO EACH OTHER'S EYES" KIND OF DATES.
SO I-I KIND OF FREAKED.
AND I'M SORRY I WAS SUCH AN ASSHOLE.
YOU WEREN'T AN ASSHOLE.
BELIEVE ME, I'VE SEEN ASSHOLES AND-- I MEAN, UH-- I FEEL SHITTY ABOUT IT.
AND I REALLY LIKE YOU.
AND I THINK YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY HAVE LIKED ME.
I DO LIKE YOU.
YOU DO? WELL, DO YOU THINK WE COULD START OVER? SIT DOWN.
YOU'RE ADORABLE, YOU KNOW THAT? [ Knocking On Door .]
Brian: I GOT SOMETHING FOR GUS.
[ Chuckles .]
THAT'S SO SWEET.
WE'LL CALL MICHAEL LATER TO THANK HIM.
Gus: [ Cooing .]
HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN DRAWING? MY MOM BROUGHT ME CRAYONS WHEN I WAS STILL IN THE CRIB.
I NEVER STOPPED.
WHAT'S HE DOING HERE? WE RAN INTO EACH OTHER ON THE STREET.
IT WAS LIKE, THIS WEIRD COINCIDENCE.
I BET.
YOU KNOW, THESE ARE GOOD.
THAT'S WHAT MY MOM SAYS.
LINDSAY'S AN ART TEACHER.
FOR SOMEONE YOUR AGE, YOU HAVE AN AMAZING FEEL FOR THE HUMAN FORM.
I'VE NOTICED THAT MYSELF.
- LOOK AT THIS.
- OH, DON'T SHOW HIM.
OHH.
MMM.
- WHEN DID YOU DRAW THAT? - WHEN YOU WERE ASLEEP.
AH, CIRCUMCISED.
JUST LIKE I THOUGHT.
YOU KNOW, THERE'S GOING TO BE AN ART SHOW AT THE G.
L.
C.
WHAT'S THAT? THE GAY AND LESBIAN CENTER.
SAFE HAVEN FOR FAGS WHO CAN'T GET LAID.
YOU KNOW, IT MIGHT BE GOOD TO GET OUT AND MEET SOME NICE YOUNG MEN FOR A CHANGE.
IT'S THE ANNUAL FUND-RAISER.
MELANIE AND I ARE ON THE BOARD.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE YOUR WORK IN THE SHOW? YOU MEAN, PEOPLE SEEING MY STUFF? - YEAH.
- THAT'D BE INTENSE.
BUT YEAH.
GOOD.
GIVE HIM SOME ACTIVITY SO HE'LL STOP STALKING ME.
DON'T FLATTER YOURSELF.
Melanie: [ Laughing .]
WE LIKE JUSTIN.
JUSTIN CAN STAY.
WE'LL MAKE SURE EVERYONE COMES.
- INCLUDING YOU.
- [ Mouthing .]
WRITE DOWN THE NUMBERS OF THE MEN YOU'RE INTERESTED IN.
AND IF THE COMPUTER MATCHES YOU UP, YOU HAVE TO GO OUT ON A DATE.
THOSE ARE THE RULES.
HI, UH, MY NAME IS BRUCE.
I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS.
I ONLY CAME OUT ABOUT A YEAR AGO.
I LIKE, UH, BEN AND JERRY'S CHUBBY HUBBY.
I TEACH PIANO AND VOICE AT CARNEGIE-MELLON.
AND WATCHING "FRASIER".
MY FRIEND MADE ME COME.
I'M LOOKING FOR A NICE GUY WHO LIKES CHIHUAHUAS.
I HAVE THREE.
MY BOYFRIEND WOULD KILL ME IF HE KNEW.
AND I HAVE A SPEEDO FETISH.
ESPECIALLY RED AND TEAL.
I RECENTLY, UH, WENT HOME WITH THIS VERY CUTE BOY THAT I MET AT BABYLON.
UH, HE HAD SOME DRUGS.
I ALSO CONDUCT THE LOCAL GAY MEN'S CHORUS.
I HOPE YOU'LL ALL COME TO OUR UPCOMING CONCERT.
I WANTED TO SEEM YOUNG AND SEXY SO I TOOK SOME, AND I ENDED UP IN A COMA.
HMM.
AND, UH AND I WOULD LOVE SOMEONE TO COME HOME TO AFTER REHEARSAL.
NOW I'M LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP BASED ON SOMETHING REAL.
AND I THOUGHT MAYBE THERE MIGHT BE SOMEONE HERE WHO'S LOOKING FOR THE SAME THING.
AND, UH, THAT'S ALL.
FAGGOTS, FAGGOTS EVERYWHERE AND NOT A DROP TO DRINK.
I CAN HONESTLY SAY I HAVE NO DESIRE TO HAVE SEX WITH ANY OF THESE PEOPLE.
ME NEITHER.
WHEW IT'S A START.
I'VE NEVER SEEN SO MANY COMIC BOOKS.
THAT'S WHAT EVERYBODY I BRING HOME SAYS.
I MEAN PEOPLE HAVE TOLD ME THAT.
MM-HMM.
WHO'S THE BIG FELLA? CAPTAIN ASTRO.
UM, MY FRIEND EMMETT, HE'S STAYING WITH ME.
IT WAS TO BE A TEMPORARY THING, BUT HE'S BECOME SORT OF A SQUATTER.
HE MAY COME HOME AT ANY TIME, SO SORRY ABOUT THAT.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO APOLOGIZE FOR EVERYTHING.
I KNOW.
I DO THAT.
I'M SORRY.
UM-- DO YOU WANT ANYTHING? UM, JUICE? BEER.
I DON'T HAVE ANY WINE.
SLOW.
HI, GUYS.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'D LIKE? UM-- I'LL HAVE THE BACON CHEESEBURGER, MEDIUM FRIES, AND, UH, A PEPSI.
OKAY.
UH, I'LL HAVE THE, UH, UH, THE GRILLED TUNA AND, UM I, UH [ Stammering .]
JUST I-I'LL HAVE WATER.
OH, COME ON.
LIVE A LITTLE.
I CAN TELL YOU'VE BEEN DENYING YOURSELF FOR WAY TOO LONG.
ALL RIGHT, GIVE ME WHAT HE'S HAVING.
OKAY, COMING RIGHT UP.
Diners: [ Mixed Chatter .]
HE HAS A NICE SMILE.
AMONG OTHER ATTRIBUTES.
I'M SURE HE'S A FINE PERSON.
RHODES SCHOLAR WOULD BE MY GUESS.
YOU KNOW, ORDINARILY I'D BE WRACKING MY BRAIN TO COME UP WITH SOME PATHETIC LINE FOR WHEN HE COMES BACK.
LIKE, "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU HERE BEFORE.
ARE YOU NEW ?" OR, UH, "DO I KNOW YOU FROM SOMEWHERE? NO? MUST BE IN A DREAM.
" "SO WHEN DID THEY START HIRING MODELS HERE?" YOU'RE WORSE THAN I AM.
YOU, UM, WANT ME TO GO TO THE MEN'S ROOM SO YOU CAN TAKE A CRACK AT HIM, OR-- OH, GOD NO! [ Groaning .]
IT NEVER WORKED ANYWAY.
ALL THAT USELESS FLIRTING.
IT IS SUCH A RELIEF TO BE OUT OF THAT WORLD.
I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE.
I DIDN'T GO TO DATE BAIT JUST TO DRUM UP AN AUDIENCE FOR OUR 500th SONDHEIM CONCERT.
I HAD A FEELING.
I WAS HOPING THAT I WOULD FIND SOMEONE I COULD CONNECT TO.
SOMEONE APPROPRIATE.
EXACTLY.
SOMEONE APPROPRIATE.
WELL I SAY LET'S GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS.
TAKE IT SLOW.
I ALWAYS PREFERRED ANDANTE TO PRESTO ANYWAY.
[ Chuckles .]
Waiter: OKAY, BOYS.
THESE'LL HELP COOL YOU DOWN.
Michael: I CLOCKED IT.
I MEAN, I EXPECTED HIM TO KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH HIS HANDS, 'CAUSE THAT'S HIS BUSINESS, BUT HE HAS THE MOST TALENTED TONGUE.
- EVERY TIME I CAME-- - All: EVERY TIME ? HE WOULD JUST KEEP ON GOING.
LICKING ME EVERYWHERE.
I ONCE KNEW A GUY WHO COULD TIE A CHERRY STEM INTO A KNOT WITH HIS TONGUE.
I WAS AFRAID TO LET HIM BLOW ME.
W-WAS THAT 13 1/2 ON EACH NIPPLE, OR? YEAH, THAT'S PROBABLY HOW LONG IT TAKES HIM TO GET IT UP.
I WOULDN'T KNOW.
I NEVER SAW IT WHEN IT WAS DOWN.
ANOTHER VIAGRA SUCCESS STORY.
SO ARE YOU BRINGING HIM TO WOODY'S TONIGHT? HE'S NOT REALLY INTO THE BAR SCENE.
[ Weights Clanging .]
WELL WHAT IS HE INTO? HIS LIFE.
Ted: LIKE THE GUY I MET.
YOU MET SOMEONE? HE'S VERY NICE.
VERY INTELLIGENT, VERY INTERESTING.
IS HE A TOP OR A BOTTOM? YOU KNOW, NOT EVERYBODY JUDGES PEOPLE BY YOUR CRITERIA, OKAY? ROGER AND I-- [ Chuckles .]
ROGER? ROGER AND I HAVE DECIDED TO GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER BEFORE WE HAVE SEX.
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, LESBIANS? IT'S LIKE "THE MIRROR HAS TWO FACES".
NO, NO, IT IS.
BECAUSE BARBRA PLAYS AN UNATTRACTIVE PROFESSOR; NO OFFENSE, WHO MARRIES JEFF BRIDGES BECAUSE NEITHER ONE OF THEM CAN HANDLE SEX.
BUT OF COURSE BARBARA GETS HORNY BECAUSE, HELLO, JEFF'S SUCH A DREAM BOAT.
SO, UM, SHE HOPS ON A STAIRMASTER FOR LIKE, TWO MINUTES, EATS A CARROT STICK AND THEN, POOF-- SHE GORGEOUS.
THEN SHE COMES IN DRESSED LIKE THE HOOKER IN "NUTS" AND OF COURSE JEFF'S WILLING TO FUCK HER.
AND, UM, THEY DANCE IN THE STREET.
AND SHE STILL WASN'T NOMINATED.
YOU KNOW, YOU DO IT RIGHT AWAY, OR YOU DON'T DO IT AT ALL.
I'M HAPPY FOR YOU, MIKEY.
FUCK HE IS.
JUSTIN, DAPHNE'S HERE! MOLLY-- Daphne: WE'RE GOING TO BE LATE.
HEY, LOOK.
JUSTIN TOLD ME HOW GREAT YOU'RE BEING ABOUT EVERYTHING AND, UH, I JUST WANT TO SAY I THINK HE'S REALLY LUCKY TO HAVE SUCH AN UNDERSTANDING MOM.
WELL, I'M TRYING.
YEAH, WELL IT MUST BE HARD, 'CAUSE IN MY FAMILY, I'M BLACK, MY PARENTS ARE BLACK.
WE'RE ALL BLACK.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? I THINK SO.
OH! DID YOU SEE THE FLYER? WHAT FLYER? FOR THE ART SHOW.
HIS NAME'S REALLY BIG.
WOULD YOU COME ON ALREADY? GAY AND LESBIAN CENTER? WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN? OH, MY GOD, YOU MEAN HE DIDN'T-- HE DOESN'T TELL ME MUCH THESE DAYS.
OH, PROMISE YOU WON'T TELL HIM I TOLD YOU OR HE'LL STOP TELLING ME.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO YELL, I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME.
AND I DON'T KNOW WHEN I'LL BE BACK.
JUSTIN! BE CAREFUL.
Woman: CHRIS, PASS ME THAT HAMMER.
- YOU'RE REALLY GOOD AT THAT.
- THANKS.
I LIKE YOU GUYS' BRACELETS.
OH, THEY'RE FOR FRIENDSHIP.
I MEAN, HE'S NOT MY BOYFRIEND OR ANYTHING.
- I FIGURED.
- YOU CAN TELL I'M GAY? WELL YOU'RE HERE, AREN'T YOU? I'M HEADING ON DOWN TO THE DINER TO GET A SODA.
YOU WANNA COME? SURE.
WHAT-WHAT ARE YOU DOING? SHE THINKS YOU'RE A LESBIAN.
WELL, CAN'T I BE ONE OF THE COOL PEOPLE TOO? YOU'RE A FREAK.
[ Snorts .]
YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE REAL TALENT.
REALLY? YOU SHOULD DEVELOP IT.
MAYBE GO TO ART SCHOOL.
I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THAT.
WELL, IF YOU EVER NEED A RECOMMENDATION.
THANKS.
DO YOU THINK BRIAN'S GOING TO COME? DON'T EXPECT TOO MUCH FROM HIM, OKAY? WHAT'S TOO MUCH? ANYTHING AT ALL.
YOU'LL HAVE LOTS OF RELATIONSHIPS, JUSTIN, WITH LOTS OF INTERESTING PEOPLE.
I KNOW YOU DON'T BELIEVE THAT RIGHT NOW, BUT YOU WILL.
I JUST WANT HIM TO SEE HIS PICTURE FRAMED, THAT'S ALL.
???? [ Techno .]
ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO THIS? YEAH, WHY NOT? I'LL GET A TASTE OF YOUR WORLD, SEE WHAT I'M SAVING YOU FROM.
JUST THE SAME AS I REMEMBER IT.
EVEN THE GUYS LOOK THE SAME.
WHY'D YOU STOP? IT WASN'T FOR ME.
AND I MET SOMEONE.
OH.
YEAH, WE WERE TOGETHER ALMOST SIX YEARS.
WOW.
SO, WHO LEFT WHO? HE DIED.
I'M SORRY.
NOBODY'S FAULT.
HI! [ Giggling .]
SO, IS, UH IS THIS THE FAMOUS CHIROPRACTOR? DAVID, THIS IS EMMETT.
HI, EMMETT.
HELLO, GORGEOUS.
SO, UM, SO I'VE, UM I'VE GOT A LITTLE TIGHTNESS RIGHT IN HERE.
ONE PLACE I DON'T NEED IT.
WOULD YOU MIND? I WOULDN'T MIND AT ALL IF YOU MADE AN APPOINTMENT.
[ Chuckling .]
WELL, IT'S WORTH A SHOT.
WHERE'S TED? OUT WITH THE PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY.
OH, MY GOD.
THAT GUY OVER THERE LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY.
MAYBE HE SMOKES POT NAKED.
EXCUSE ME.
[ Chuckles .]
DOESN'T HOLD ANYTHING BACK, HUH? HE WAS TONING IT DOWN FOR YOU.
WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN? BRIAN, THIS IS DAVID.
OH, FUCK ME, THE NEW BEAU.
I'VE HEARD A LOT ABOUT YOU.
AND I'VE HEARD A LOT ABOUT YOU TOO.
SIXTEEN RIGHT, ELEVEN LEFT.
EXCUSE ME? NOTHING.
YOU'RE TWEAKED, WHAT ARE YOU ON? OH, E, K, GHB.
MOST OF THE LETTERS ON "SESAME STREET.
" YOU'RE GONNA GET DEHYDRATED TAKING ALL THAT SHIT.
I'M GONNA GET YOU SOME WATER.
WANT A BEER? SURE.
WELL, YOU'VE GOT HIM WELL-TRAINED.
WELL, HE TAKES CARE OF ME, AND I TAKE CARE OF HIM.
SO, DOC DO YOU FUCK ALL OF YOUR PATIENTS? WELL, IF YOU'RE REFERRING TO MICHAEL, I RELEASED HIM FROM MY CARE, BEFORE WE WENT OUT TOGETHER.
[ Clears Throat .]
WHAT ABOUT YOU? WHAT DO YOU DO? ADVERTISING.
WELL, YOU MUST KNOW A THING OR TWO ABOUT SCREWING PEOPLE YOURSELF.
YEAH, I COULD DO IT IN MY SLEEP.
I BET YOU COULD.
YOU KNOW, DAVE, WHAT'S WEIRD ABOUT YOU MEETING MIKEY? "MIKEY"? IS THAT WE USUALLY MEET GUYS TOGETHER.
AND THEY USUALLY END UP WITH YOU.
THE LUCKY ONES.
DEBATABLE.
Michael: SO WHAT'D I MISS? NOTHING SPECIAL.
OKAY, IDENTIFY MY FAVORITE ARIA OF ALL TIME AND YOU INSTANTLY BECOME MY NEW FAVORITE PERSON.
OH, WELL, THANKS FOR NOT PUTTING ANY PRESSURE ON ME.
???? [ Opera .]
"CLEMENZO DI TITO", SESTO'S ARIA, ACT TWO.
COME ON, GIVE ME A TOUGH ONE.
OKAY, STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME FALL FOR YOU.
WHO'S TRYING? YOU ARE THE FIRST PERSON I'VE MET IN PITTSBURGH WHO KNOWS SESTO'S ARIA.
I'M THE ONLY OTHER PERSON WHO KNOWS.
YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS A KID, I USED TO PRETEND I WAS SICK ON SATURDAY AFTERNOONS SO I COULD SKIP LITTLE LEAGUE AND LISTEN TO THE MET OPERA BROADCASTS ON THE RADIO.
HUH, I WISH I'D KNOWN YOU.
WE COULD HAVE LISTENED TOGETHER.
???? [ Continues .]
IS, UH, IS THIS ALLOWED? [ Silently .]
YEAH.
ONLY, UH I'M NOT QUITE READY YET.
IT'S OKAY.
BUT I WILL BE SOON.
AND, UH I HAVE A FEELING IT'S GOING TO BE GREAT.
???? [ Continues .]
Michael: YOU HAD A HIDEOUS TIME, I CAN TELL.
David: [ Laughing .]
AH, I DON'T MIND GOING OUT ONCE IN A WHILE.
ARE YOU IMPLYING THAT I'M A SCENE QUEEN? YOU ARE A SCENE QUEEN.
WE'RE IN PITTSBURGH, THERE IS NO SCENE.
YEAH, SO WHAT'S THE BIG ATTRACTION? WELL, IF YOU DON'T GO OUT, YOU DON'T MEET PEOPLE.
YOU MET ME.
RARE EXCEPTION.
BESIDES, MY FRIENDS ARE HERE-- YOUR FRIENDS? SOME FRIENDS.
YOUR FRIEND BRIAN TRIED TO HIT ON ME.
HE DID NOT.
I'VE BEEN AROUND THE BLOCK.
HE'S ALWAYS LIKE THAT.
BESIDES, HE WAS HIGH.
I'M JUST TELLING YOU.
HE WOULDN'T.
HE DID.
SHIT.
WELL, HE CAN'T HAVE YOU.
YOU'RE MINE.
WHOO! I TOLD YOU, I'M NOT GOING.
I PROMISED HIM YOU'D BE THERE.
WELL, YOU SHOULD STOP MAKING PROMISES THAT I CAN'T KEEP.
HEY, DON'T BE A SHIT.
I'M TRYING TO CLEAN UP SOME OF YOUR MESS.
LOOK, HE'S THE ONE THAT THREW HIMSELF AT ME.
I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET RID OF HIM.
TELL IT TO THE JUDGE.
WHEN DID YOU START SOUNDING LIKE YOUR GIRLFRIEND? IT'S TIME YOU BECAME PART OF THE COMMUNITY.
LOOK, JUST BECAUSE I FUCK GUYS DOES NOT MEAN I'M PART OF SOME COMMUNITY.
AND IT DOESN'T MEAN I HAVE ANYTHING IN COMMON WITH SOMEONE ELSE WHO DOES.
YOU KNOW, IT'S MORE THAN THAT.
WE NEED TO TAKE CARE OF EACH OTHER.
I DON'T NEED TO TAKE CARE OF ANYONE, AND I DON'T NEED ANYONE TO TAKE CARE OF ME.
ONE DAY YOU MIGHT.
FUCK GROUPS.
I THOUGHT YOU DID.
OCCASIONALLY, BUT IT'S BY INVITATION ONLY.
???? [ Piano .]
DID YOU SEE THIS? THEY'RE CHARGING $100 FOR EVERY ONE OF YOUR DRAWINGS.
YOU COULD BE RICH.
IT'S CHARITY.
I DON'T GET TO KEEP IT.
STILL.
[ Sighing .]
AND WOULD YOU STOP WATCHING THE DOOR? HE PLAYS BEAUTIFULLY, DOESN'T HE? I'M ALL A-TINGLE.
SO HAVE YOU TWO HAD SEX YET? WOULD YOU KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN? WELL, WHEN ARE YOU? WHEN WE BOTH KNOW IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO.
SEX IS NEVER THE RIGHT THING TO DO.
FEEDING THE POOR IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.
HIRING THE HANDICAPPED IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.
DONATING BLOOD-- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, YOU MADE YOUR POINT.
EVERYONE LOVES YOUR DRAWINGS.
Melanie: YOU GUYS CHECK OUT THE FOOD? I'M NOT HUNGRY.
OKAY.
HOW ABOUT THE CUTE GUYS? THERE'S SOME RIGHT OVER THERE JUST ABOUT YOUR AGE.
HE'S HERE.
Melanie: MMM! YIPPEE.
WELL, AREN'T YOU GOING TO GO OVER THERE? ARE YOU CRAZY? THANKS FOR COMING.
WHATEVER.
WHERE'S THE BACK ROOM? LINDSAY, THIS IS DAVID.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
WHOO! MICHAEL.
LET'S GO CHECK OUT THE VAGINA SCULPTURES FIRST, GET IT OVER WITH.
THE FAMOUS "ART-EEST.
" DID YOU SEE MY STUFF? NO, I HAD TO GET A DRINK FIRST.
IT'S OVER THERE, IN CASE YOU'RE INTERESTED.
PSST.
I THINK THE ARTIST HAS TAKEN SOME LIBERTIES.
Brian: OH, THAT'S A PERFECT LIKENESS.
Michael: COME ON, IT WAS NEVER THAT BIG.
HEY, YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT IN A LONG TIME.
I HAVEN'T SEEN "GONE WITH THE WIND" IN A LONG TIME EITHER, BUT I KNOW IT'S STILL THREE AND A HALF HOURS.
THE BRIAN AND MICHAEL SHOW.
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
STUCK IN PERPETUAL RERUNS.
IS IT ALWAYS LIKE THAT? MICHAEL RUNNING AFTER HIM? IT'S THE GREATEST LOVE STORY NEVER TOLD, TRUST ME.
OH, WHAT WAS YOUR NAME? DAVID.
MELANIE.
TRUST ME, DAVID, LONG AFTER YOU'RE GONE, HE'LL STILL HAVE MICHAEL.
BRIAN'S LITTLE ACOLYTE, POOR GUY.
OH, BUT DON'T WORRY.
MICHAEL CAN WAIT FOREVER.
BRIAN'LL NEVER FUCK HIM.
PARDON MY FRENCH.
BY THE WAY, I HEARD YOU HIT ON DAVID LAST NIGHT.
[ Chuckles .]
I COULDN'T HAVE BEEN THAT HIGH.
YOU WERE.
AND YOU DID.
I WAS TESTING HIM.
I WANTED TO SEE IF HE'D DROP YOU THE FIRST CHANCE HE GOT.
OH, YEAH RIGHT.
AREN'T I ALWAYS LOOKING OUT FOR YOU? YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE SOMEBODY FINALLY THINKS I'M HOT OR SOMETHING.
YOU ARE HOT OR SOMETHING.
I'VE BEEN TELLING YOU THAT SINCE YOU WERE 14.
BUT YOU WON'T BELIEVE ME.
SO, I SUPPOSE I JUST KEEP HIM COMPANY WHILE MICHAEL WAITS.
OH! OH, SHIT! OH, YOU'RE WITH MICHAEL.
YEAH.
UM, OH, JESUS, I-I'M SORRY.
I-I DIDN'T MEAN THAT.
I-I MEAN-- WELL, I-I MEAN BRIAN'S THE ONE THAT'S ALWAYS SHOWING UP WITH SOME NEW GUY, SO I JUST ASSUMED THAT, UM-- DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
WELL, YOU KNOW, THEY, THEY'RE-- THEY LOVE EACH OTHER, BUT THAT'S IT.
THAT'S REALLY-- THAT'S ALL IT IS.
REALLY, IT'S NOT LIKE I DIDN'T KNOW.
DO YOU WANT A SHRIMP BALL? - NO.
- HEH.
THANKS.
[ Mouthing .]
NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL A PIECE.
OF ART.
[ Snickering .]
I'VE ALWAYS ADMIRED CREATIVE PEOPLE.
YOU'RE PRETTY CREATIVE YOURSELF THERE, MISSY.
[ Scoffing .]
NOT ME.
BUT MICHAEL, HE'S GOT A GIFT.
I DIDN'T KNOW HE COULD DRAW.
OH, HE CAN'T.
I BOUGHT HIM TRACING PAPER WHEN HE WAS A KID SO HE COULD COPY HIS COMIC BOOKS.
HIS SPIDERMAN ALWAYS ENDED UP LOOKING MORE LIKE LITTLE ORPHAN ANNIE.
WELL, WHAT'S HIS TALENT? WELL, IT'S NOTHING HE'D BE FAMOUS FOR.
YOU WON'T EVER SEE HIS PAINTINGS HANGING IN AN ART GALLERY OR HEAR HIM PLAYING AT CARNEGIE HALL.
BUT WHEN IT COMES TO TAKING CARE OF PEOPLE-- KNOWING WHAT YOU NEED BETTER EVEN THAN YOU DO-- HE'S A FUCKIN' PICASSO.
BEAUTIFUL LIGHT AND SHADOW.
VERY HAUNTING.
THE PHOTOGRAPHER HAS A GREAT EYE.
STRONG COMPOSITION.
YOU CAN'T STAY, YOU HAVE TO LEAVE.
NOW, JUSTIN, DON'T BE MEAN.
I'VE KEPT MY END OF THE BARGAIN.
NOW-NOW I WOULD LIKE TO SEE MY SON'S WORK.
I WON'T EMBARRASS YOU.
I PROMISE.
JUSTIN, IS THIS YOUR MOTHER? HI, I'M JENNIFER.
MELANIE.
LINDSAY.
YOU KNOW, YOUR SON'S REMARKABLY TALENTED.
YOU SHOULD BE VERY PROUD.
WELL, THANK YOU.
I AM.
AND WHAT A BEAUTIFUL BABY.
HIS NAME'S GUS.
ACTUALLY, JUSTIN'S THE ONE WHO NAMED HIM.
REALLY? WELL, THAT WAS HIS TEDDY BEAR'S NAME.
AW! OH, A TEDDY BEAR.
MOM! UM, ARE YOU THE MOTHER? UH, YES, BUT WE'RE RAISING HIM TOGETHER.
WELL, THAT'S WONDERFUL.
I'VE NEVER MET LESBIAN MOTHERS BEFORE.
I MEAN, I-I READ ABOUT YOU THEM, IN THE PAPERS ALL THE TIME.
YEAH, SEEMS LIKE THERE'S ALWAYS SOME JUDGE IN ALABAMA TRYING TO TAKE OUR KIDS AWAY.
- THAT'S WHY I MARRIED A LAWYER.
- [ Chuckles .]
MM.
HAVE YOU SEEN THE ART? NOT YET.
WHERE'S YOUR STUFF, HONEY? SHE CAME.
THAT'S HUGE.
TREMENDOUS ENERGY.
IT REALLY COMES RIGHT OUT AT YOU.
ROGER I THINK I'M READY.
I PROMISED TO PLAY THE PIANO.
- YOU'RE JUST VOLUNTEERING.
- YOU'RE RIGHT.
FUCK 'EM! WHO'S THAT GUY YOU DREW? ???? ???? [ Opera .]
OH, SORRY! THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
[ Clock Ticking .]
???? [ Continues .]
[ Clocks Ticking .]
OUCH! I'M SORRY.
IT'S OKAY.
[ Many Clocks Ticking .]
I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY.
WHAT? NO, I-I CAN'T.
WHAT IS IT? IS SOMETHING WRONG? IT JUST WON'T WORK.
I THOUGHT I COULD DO THIS.
I REALLY DID.
I MEAN, YOU ARE SO NICE AND SMART AND TALENTED.
AND YOU PLAY THE PIANO BEAUTIFULLY.
BUT? WELL? GO ON, SAY IT.
YOU'RE JUST NOT MY TYPE.
TYPE? ARE YOU SERIOUS? GOD! I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.
AFTER ALL THAT? I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T WANT SEX TO BE EVERYTHING.
YEAH, BUT I'D LIKE IT TO BE SOMETHING.
YOU'RE JUST LIKE ALL THE OTHERS.
[ Angry Muttering .]
WHERE'S MY SOCK? LOOK, IT'S MY FAULT, I ADMIT IT.
I MEAN, I-I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH ME.
I MEAN, YOU'RE A CATCH.
ANY STRAIGHT WOMAN WOULD FIND YOU INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE.
OH, IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER? FUCK YOU.
LOOK, I KNOW WE SHARE ALL THE IMPORTANT THINGS-- MUSIC, A SENSE OF HUMOR.
THIS WOULD BE A TOTALLY APPROPRIATE RELATIONSHIP FOR ME.
THE ONLY PROBLEM IS, IS THAT SEX ISN'T APPROPRIATE.
YOU KNOW, I WAS WRONG.
YOU'RE NOT LIKE ALL THE OTHERS, YOU'RE WORSE.
BECAUSE YOU THINK KNOWING SESTO'S ARIA FROM "CLEMENZO DI TITO" SOMEHOW MAKES YOU BETTER.
WELL, LET ME TELL YOU, YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A PRETENTIOUS, SELF-INVOLVED, BORING ASSHOLE, WHO'S STILL HANGING AROUND WITH YOUNGER GUYS WHO DON'T WANT YOU AND NEVER WILL.
YOU'RE PATHETIC! AND WHAT ABOUT YOU? YOU KNOW, AFTER YOU CONDUCT YOUR 501st TRIBUTE TO SONDHEIM, YOU MIGHT TRY GOING TO A GYM.
YOU KNOW, GET ON A TREADMILL FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE, WOULD YA? AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR BREATH! LISTEN.
I DON'T SUPPOSE WE COULD STILL BE FRIENDS.
???? [ Opera .]
???? [ Dance .]
SO I THOUGHT, "OKAY, HE'S HAVING EXPERIENCES.
" BUT WITH BOYS HIS OWN AGE.
THIS MAN, HE MUST BE IN HIS THIRTIES.
WELL NOT YET, BUT I'LL BE HAPPY TO TELL HIM YOU THOUGHT SO.
WELL IT'S NOT RIGHT.
IT HAPPENS.
IF HIS FATHER FINDS OUT-- TELL ME ABOUT HIM, THIS PERSON.
I HAVE TO KNOW.
BRIAN KINNEY.
GOD'S GIFT TO GAY P.
A.
THEY ALL WANT BRIAN.
BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS, NO ONE CAN HAVE HIM.
HE SCREWS THEM, BREAKS THEIR HEART AND THEY WISE UP.
WELL, MOST OF THEM ANYWAY.
SO, THIS, UH BRIAN KINNEY HE'S GOING TO HURT MY SON.
WHAT DO I DO? NOTHING.
THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO WITHOUT MAKING IT WORSE.
HE'S ONLY 17.
HOW OLD WERE YOU THE FIRST TIME? SIXTEEN.
FIFTEEN.
ANYWAY, IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL ANY BETTER, I'VE KNOWN BRIAN SINCE HE WAS 14.
HE HASN'T CHANGED MUCH.
IN FACT, I'D SAY HE AND JUSTIN ARE PRETTY EVENLY MATCHED.
[ Sighing .]
I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN BE SO ACCEPTING.
HONEY.
JENNIFER.
YOU DON'T HAVE TOO MUCH CHOICE.
ALL YOU CAN DO IS HOPE THAT THEY'LL BE CAREFUL, AND THAT THEY REMEMBER YOUR PHONE NUMBER.
[ Scoffs .]
HERE.
DON'T YOU DARE.
THIS IS ON ME.
THANKS.
OH, HERE.
GIVE HIM WHAT HE NEEDS.
???? [ Dance .]
ADMIT IT! YOU MISSED ALL THIS.
THE RAMPANT NARCISSISM, THE SLEAZE, THE DRUG USE? I DON'T THINK SO.
SO WHY'D YOU COME BACK? WHEN I FIGURE IT OUT, I'LL LET YOU KNOW.
OH, LOOK, IT'S THE CAST OF "ZOOM".
WE'RE CELEBRATING.
JUSTIN SOLD SOME OF HIS ART TODAY.
THE ONE OF YOU, NAKED.
WHO'D BUY THAT? PROBABLY SOME DESPERATE QUEEN WHO'S ALWAYS PINED FOR YOU.
OH, TED.
HOW THOUGHTFUL.
???? [ Continues .]
OH, MY GOD, I USED TO LOVE THIS SONG! THEN, LET'S DANCE.
I GOTTA PEE.
?? OO-OOH YOU CAN DANCE ?? ?? YOU CAN JIVE ?? OKAY, DR.
FEELGOOD.
LET ME SEE YOU SHAKE YOUR GROOVE THANG.
COME ON.
?? WATCH THAT SCENE DIG IN THE DANCING QUEEN ?? OOH, HE CAN DANCE.
HE IS GAY, AFTER ALL.
?? FRIDAY NIGHT AND THE LIGHTS ARE LOW ?? ?? LOOKING OUT FOR A PLACE TO GO ?? ?? WHERE THEY PLAY THE RIGHT MUSIC GETTING IN THE SWING ?? ANYBODY EVER TELL YOU YOU'RE A BAD INFLUENCE? YOU ARE-- ?? ANYBODY COULD BE THAT GUY ?? ?? THE NIGHT IS YOUNG AND THE MUSIC'S HIGH ?? ?? WHEN YOU HEAR THE RIGHT MUSIC EVERYTHING IS FINE ?? ?? YOU'RE IN THE MOOD FOR A DANCE AND WHEN YOU-- ???? HI.
HOW YOU DOING? BETTER.
NO THANKS TO YOU.
HUH.
I NEVER REALLY KNEW FOR SURE WHAT HAPPENED THAT NIGHT.
SO, UH, I FIGURED YOU CAME OUT OF IT OKAY.
I KEPT LOOKING IN THE PAPERS.
GEE, THAT'S REALLY THOUGHTFUL.
I, UH WAITED ON THE CORNER AFTER I CALLED THE PARAMEDICS, TO MAKE SURE THEY CAME.
YOU MEAN YOU CALLED 9-1-1? I DIDN'T WANT TO STICK AROUND.
I WAS AFRAID, YOU KNOW, THE DRUGS AND SHIT.
RIGHT.
I MEAN, YOU TOOK SO MUCH, I WAS LIKE, "WHOA".
ANYWAY I'M GLAD YOU'RE OKAY.
WELL, UH MAYBE WE COULD, UH, GET TOGETHER AGAIN SOME TIME.
WITHOUT THE PARAMEDICS.
[ Chuckles .]
Man: THERE YOU ARE.
WHAT'S TAKING YOU SO LONG? JUST TALKING TO SOME GUY.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME AGAIN? TED.
TED, RIGHT.
YEAH, I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
SEE YA.
???? [ Continues .]
HEY, HOW'S IT GOING? - YO! - HI.
HOW ARE YOU? HI! HEY, HOW ARE-- HEY, HOW'S IT GOING? IT'S A GREAT LITTLE COLLAR THAT YOU GOT.
- AS IF.
- HOW'S IT GOING? YOU TWO ARE TOGETHER, THAT'S SOMETHING.
OH, MY GOD, YOU DID IT IN THE LITTLE BOYS' ROOM.
- NOPE.
- YOU GOT SOMEBODY'S PHONE NUMBER? I WAS REJECTED BY EVERYBODY.
IT'S GOOD TO BE BACK! LET'S GET YOU A COCKTAIL.
OKAY.
???? [ Continues .]
HEY, HOT STUFF, YOU WANT TO DANCE? I DON'T THINK SO.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? TAKE YOU HOME.
[ Glass Breaking .]
WHOA, WHOA.
WHOA, WHOA! [ Laughing .]
David: CAPTAIN ASTRO.
[ Moaning .]
[ Sighing .]
[ Moaning .]
[ Breathing loudly .]
WHO ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT? WHAT? WHEN YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES, WHO ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT? [ Drunken Giggling .]
????