Rules of Engagement s01e06 Episode Script

What are you doing? I like to fill up each little waffle hole with syrup.
Really? This is gonna be happening for the rest of our lives? How do you do it? You missed three holes.
Hey, guys! Two coffees to go, please.
Adam, I'm heading downtown to a sports apparel warehouse.
A buddy of mine works there and hooks me up with freebies, you got any request? - I could use a new hooded sweat-shirt.
- You got it.
- Might be slightly irregular.
- Slightly.
The last tee-shirt you got from that guy gave you a rash.
We don't know it was the tee-shirt, I was in several hot tubs that week.
Hey, what's up, con? Whatever it is that makes you feel safe enough to call me names like that shouldn't.
Hey, nice outfit, 9-to-5! You're certainly dressed to make 70% of what a man your position would make.
You should know, you're 70% of a man.
Well, that backfired nicely, all right.
Scooch.
Question, you guys.
Do you think I'm pale? You're almost clear.
Why do you ask? Well, because there's a school near the newsstand where you usually buy the Times.
We read the Post.
Can I just tell the story? Anyway, there's a new teacher looking over recess, and as you know from my MySpace page, I have a thing for teachers.
You have a thing for all women.
Not all.
Okay, all.
Today, we make a little eye-contact, she gives me the smile.
And I walk over to break-ah the ice-ah, and some, you know, jerk starts insulting me out of nowhere, it threw off my game.
Okay, who was it? Another teacher? No, I don't think it was a teacher.
The principal, the custodian? No, it was a It was a punk.
A punk? What do you mean, one of the children? Was he bigger than you? What? It's a valid question.
Look, I'll give you he was small-er-ish.
But quite mean.
Called me things like Milk-face.
Albino boy.
Casper.
Said the pigment factory called, and my application was denied.
Pigment factory, that's a good one.
He could've also said, "Look, it's a little powdered doughnut hole.
" That was a sweet pep-talk, thank you.
I feel so much the same.
Episode 106: Hard Day's Night Version 1.
0 - Hey Jeff.
- Hey, Adam here? No, he's helping Russell deal with the bully.
My money's on the bully.
Nice sweat suit.
You look like you should be hanging outside the meat store with Paulie and Silvio.
Thanks.
Here's Adam's sweatshirt.
No face-hole in the hood.
Other than that, it's perfect.
While I have you, would you help me put the couch back on the rug? Yes, sure.
I'd help.
What happened? Nothing, just a little twitch in my shoulder.
I'm so sorry.
Let me massage you, see if I can loosen it up.
I'm not a big people-touching-me guy.
I studied massage, I know what I'm doing.
Still touching.
- Come on, I insist.
- All right, sure.
Give it a shot.
Oh, here's the problem.
There's a knot in your trapezius that's putting pressure on a nerve.
I think it's loosening up there.
Yeah, the knot's disappearing.
So is the tension.
If you ever get tired with graphic design, you could do this for a living.
I did work for a physical therapy clinic for a summer after college.
The rug looks great.
Yeah, I gotta go.
I hope you feel better.
Thanks for coming, I appreciate the support.
No problem.
I don't know what Jen's talking about.
You're bigger than all these kids.
Again, thanks for the support.
There she is.
Never had a teacher who looked like that.
Yeah, me neither.
With any luck, I'm about to.
Coast is clear, let's go.
If it isn't Snow White, back for more.
Snow White That's him? He's adorable.
What's your name, little guy? Who are you, his girlfriend? Very funny, yeah, I'm his girlfriend.
You're pretty enough.
What do you use in your hair, 2 gallons of mousse? Dime-size dollop of gel, the recommended amount.
What, you keep it in your purse? With the rest of your make-up and lotion? Ka-zing! I don't have a purse or make-up.
And I only use lotion because I have combination skin.
Yeah, a combination of girl and sissy.
Burn, sizzle.
I saw that one coming.
It's a great diversion! I'm gonna talk to the teacher.
Check out how long his eyelashes are.
Do you use mascara? Your lashes are thick and pretty like a girl.
Are not! Yeah, that's what you are, the Maybellin girl.
- You okay? - With what? You're holding your neck.
It's nothing, just a twitch.
How did it happen? Out of nowhere.
Caused by nothing.
I know what you're up to.
- You do? - Oh, yes, I do.
You're trying to get me to rub your neck.
'Cause every time I do, somehow it leads to sex.
You figured that one out.
Yeah, it wasn't exactly the Da Vinci code.
It's all right, I don't mind.
It's our little dance.
Let's skip the prom and go straight to the back of the limo, come on.
Wait, hold on.
I I can't.
Why not? I feel dirty.
Yeah, me too.
I just-- I need to take a shower.
Me too, come on.
I can't.
- You're playing hard to get? - Really, no.
- Audrey, I said no! - I'll be gentle.
Listen, it's just that no means no.
- You're using the elevator? - Taking the stairs.
Jeff, what-- - He's acting so weirdly! - I left the stove on fire! Who is it? It's Audrey, the person whose face you just slam the door on.
Sorry, I didn't see you behind me.
Yeah, I was yelling, "Hey, Jen.
" What the hell is going on? Jeff is acting super weird, you are acting weird.
What's going on? So Jeff didn't tell you about the thing? No, he didn't, why don't you? This is funny, you're gonna laugh.
I like to laugh.
Earlier Jeff helped me lift the couch back onto the rug.
It's the rug I got at ABC Carpet, remember? You chose it with me because we're friends, have been for 3 years, rich history together! Not laughing yet.
Jeff hurt his neck, I massaged him, he felt much better.
So? Well, he felt so much better he gave me a standing ovation.
Without standing up.
What? I used to do therapeutic massages and this happened all the time.
I don't think it's a good time for you to brag about how goo you are.
No, it's a physiological response, completely innocent and accidental.
I was hoping Jeff would tell you and it'd be all worked out and I wouldn't have to be involved.
You're involved.
You got involved the second you started rubbing my husband! Only because his neck hurt.
You don't think I was really trying to make a move on him, do you? No, I don't.
I'm just mad! Why didn't he just tell me? He probably didn't know how to bring it up.
Guess he needs your help for that.
Sorry, I'm still kind of mad.
Look, I'm sure he's just embarrassed.
He's probably trying to figure out how to tell you right now.
Yeah, probably.
I'll give him a chance to be honest.
How are you gonna tell Adam? The same way I always break bad news to him.
Naked.
Hey, Gigantor.
I'm glad you're here, I could use a little man-to-man talk and fortunately you're a little man.
The empire strikes back.
Help me out here.
I'm meeting this teacher, I'm trying to decide which shirt color would make me look the least pale.
What do you think? Ash, slate or ecru? I'm gonna change the topic now.
You get massages, right? Say no more.
Listen.
Her name's Katia.
From Russia with love.
Tell her the man with the golden gun sent you.
No, I was just wondering if while getting a massage, you ever Chubbed up? Yeah, all the time, why? So, it's normal.
Who's to say what's normal in this world? But where did you get it? And did you get a card? It wasn't at a massage place, it was You trilled after mid-sentence.
And finish your thought, I'm intrigued.
Look, you work with Adam, I don't know if I can tell you.
You don't wanna tell me anything, when in fact you've just revealed everything.
I can now deduce that you got excited when you got a massage from Adam.
It was Jennifer.
Dah! Yeah, my second guess.
If you tell anyone, I'm gonna punch my fist through your chest, spin you around my forearm like a pinwheel.
It's terrifying, yet somehow beautiful.
Had a knot in my shoulder.
And Jennifer offered to help.
And then she rubbed it and So whatever, you got the hots for your friend's wife.
No, it's not that, now I feel awkward around Jennifer, I feel guilty around Audrey, I feel like I cheated on her.
But you didn't, you had no intent.
You had intent, but no intent.
I'm just gonna tell Audrey.
Sure, if you wanna be selfish about it.
How's that selfish? Because right now, nothing happened, Audrey doesn't know anything.
But if you feel guilty about it, so you tell Audrey, she feels bad so you can feel better.
Here you go Selfish.
How do you know all this stuff? Proud Cosmo subscriber since 1993.
It's like having the other team's play book.
I won't tell her but I gotta figure how to get rid of all this guilt.
'cause it's making me really tense.
I'd rub your shoulders but I don't think the bottom of this table could take it.
I have something to tell you.
Hold on.
I've got something important to ask.
Do you think I'm pretty? If you're gay, tell me now, 'cause I do not want to go through that again.
Go through what again? Nothing, it doesn't matter.
What's your issue? That bully that teased Russell, he called me pretty.
He said I had thick pretty lashes, like a girl.
He said Miss America contest called and I was in.
That's a good one.
Why are you letting a kid get to you? Because guys don't wanna look pretty, they wanna look rugged and tough.
You know, and maybe a little deformed.
You are not pretty.
You're handsome.
Ruggedly handsome.
Like a lumberjack or Ryan Seacrest.
You know what I'm gonna do, honey? I should break my nose.
No, you shouldn't.
My nose, my rules.
Anyway, what was that thing you wanted to tell me? Maybe we should go in the bedroom.
This is funny, you're gonna laugh.
Hey, you're back.
Look, I'm sorry I ran out of the apartment before, but I have an explanation.
- You do? - Yes.
I'm so glad.
Well, you're gonna be even gladder, 'cause I ran out to buy you this.
Diamond earrings.
Two of them.
Those are beautiful! What did I do to deserve these? Or what did you do? Nothing.
Just 'cause I love you.
I'm glad you like them, it makes me feel good, I'm gonna go get a beer.
Sure you want a beer? Wouldn't you prefer a nice stiff drink? Maybe some hard liquor, straight up? Well played.
You got the diamonds first.
I don't care about the diamonds.
Then can I return them? What do you think? I think they're gonna look very nice on you.
Really bring up the sparkle in your Let's just do this.
Yes, let's.
This whole thing could've been avoided if you didn't try to hide it from me.
What I tried to hide from you was gone by the time I got home.
I meant the fact that you hid the You know what I mean! Look, by not telling me, it made you look guilty! I felt guilty, that's why I didn't let you have your way with me.
Well, you are lucky you didn't.
Why? For bachelorette parties, you've gone to those Chippendale shows and gotten all worked up.
And I was happy to finish what those hairless oily freaks started.
But those hairless oily freaks were not our friends from the building! I don't know, Carlos in 5A is suspiciously smooth.
Look, all you had to do, was be honest.
You can tell me anything.
So you would've been fine if I said, "Look what the cute neighbor girl gave me!" Now she's cute? It's not-- You just said I could tell you anything.
Yes, but don't be stupid about it.
That's my point, I can't tell you everything.
You can tell me everything I should know, if it's just gonna upset me and it's not important, don't tell me.
I thought that's what I was doing here! Yes, but I found out.
How was that my fault? Just don't let other women rub you.
- Done.
- Fine.
- Are you gonna keep the earrings? - Oh, yeah.
Easily the most expensive erection I've ever had.
If it makes you feel any better, it had nothing to do with Jennifer.
The same thing happens to me when I'm riding in a bus on a bumpy road.
I do feel better.
In fact, I was actually disappointed when they repaved 9th Avenue.
Jennifer told me what happened, now let's step outside and settle this like men.
If you could infer my nose.
Thank you! Let's see what this little bully has to say now.
Oh, yeah.
We're looking good.
Very good.
Where do I start? Not so pretty now, am I? No, but you will be when your nose job heals.
Who are you, Ashley Simpson? For your information, I got this from a man.
So you look it rough? Ka-zing! What are you laughing at, pumpkin face? Willy Wonka called, he said he needs his chocolate stirred.
He said you're an Oompa-Loompa.
I've seen the film.
You know what? I feel sorry for you.
I think if you had any friends, you wouldn't be over here making fun of us.
I was just voted "Most popular" in my class, jackass.
Prove it, jackass! Ms.
O'Brien, the orange man called me a bad name.
It's bronzer.
Russell, what is the matter with you? He's just a child! He started it! I don't care who started it.
I think you should leave.
- What? - And see a doctor.
You may have hepatitis.
Ka-zing! Ka-pow.
- Nothing yet? - Not yet.
Come on! Don't start pressuring me.
I have an idea.
Next stop, Times Square.
That's the stuff, now give me a puddle.
There you go!