Weeds s01e06 Episode Script

Previously on Weeds: -Everybody all right? -Snowflake? She's in shock.
Slap her.
-What's this? -You're looking at a fine and an anti-drug class.
I wrote a gangster rap about killing Devon Rensler with my gat.
My therapist says I'm just acting out because my dad's dead.
Judah was my brother.
I miss him too, Nancy.
Okay, look, I made a mistake, okay.
I don't want Chelsea, I don't want any other girl, all right.
I want you.
Could my cover business eventually become my real business? What about this place as the bakery? I have cancer.
-What do you think about these? -I don't give a flying fuck if you do have cancer, put your tits away in front of my kid.
I love you, Mommy.
I love you, Mommy.
Shit.
Good morning, ladies and "jointlemen.
" My name's Billy, I'm a pothead.
I think these weekly Marijuana Anonymous meetings are really helping me quit because every Saturday, between nine and 10, I don't get high.
Jesus, what a nimrod.
One time, I stared at my aquarium, wondering: "After fish have sex do they fight about who sleeps on the dry spot?" If we have to sit through this dreck, they should pass out joints at the door.
-It's the only humane thing to do.
-Hey, man, comedy is Billy's art.
Don't be calling Billy's art "dreck.
" -Hey, buddy, do you have a problem? -I didn't think so, but the judge disagreed.
Okay.
So let's all join me in the serenity prayer.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Amen.
What does this mean? It's just boilerplate legalese for a lease.
-Hey.
-Don't look at me -I'm fucked up on cornbread.
-What made me think -I could run a bakery? -Me.
You just have to make it look like a bakery to legitimize your dealing.
-You just called me a dealer.
-You are a dealer.
We're in my house.
I'm not a dealer, I'm a mother who happens to distribute illegal products through a sham bakery set up by my ethically questionable CPA and his crooked lawyer friend.
-At least I can get myself off.
-What's that supposed to mean? -In court, I'm a lawyer, I can get myself off.
-Maybe I should have gone to law school.
You need a cool nickname, like "Ice Pick.
" -Who's Ice Pick? -It's my old drug dealer.
-What happened to him? -Opened up a sham deli and got busted.
I'm joking.
I'm joking.
He went back to Pittsburg.
Mom! Mom, mom, mom! Do we have any batteries? -No.
-Are you sure? -Trust me, no.
-Well, can we go to Costco? -Not now, honey.
-I'm bored.
Go read a book.
Okay.
-Sign here.
-No, no.
Wait, wait.
-I haven't explained everything yet.
-It's all yours, Smokey.
-Smokey? -I'm working on it.
-Hi, I'm Andy.
-Hi, I'm Sharon.
Sharon, this is my first meeting.
I just had you tell you, I was so moved by your words.
Well, they're not my words.
It's a prayer.
You see how-- You had such convictions, you know? You were kind of rude during sharing, and you were late.
Well, I'm having a really hard time off the pot.
It makes me so cranky and unpunctual.
I'm sorry about that.
No, no, I understand, it's very hard.
And Billy is kind of a nimrod.
He is kind of a nimrod.
So, what did you think of your first meeting? Truthfully? I'm not really sure I'm strong enough to stay clean.
I think if you're honest with yourself, and you're willing to share with the group -you can do this.
-That's so right.
Then that's really what I want, everything that you said.
God, you're so together and beautiful.
Sponsor me.
No, there are people here who are better qualified to help you.
And sponsors should really be the same sex.
-Why? -So there's no emotional ties -between the sponsor and sponsee.
-What about gays? -Are you gay? -Would you sponsor me? -Andy.
-Okay, look.
Here it is.
When I was young, my stepfather, he.
I can't talk to men.
I have no trust for them.
If I have no one I can open up to, then I fear the worst.
I'm frightened, Sharon.
I'm alone, and I'm frightened.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Welcome.
It's the last time I do this.
-Better get over your fear of bullets, girl.
-Give me some time.
-I'm sure it's an acquired taste.
-You know what? Find yourself another delivery boy.
Strong, proud, black men like myself tend to stick out around here.
-You smell like vindaloo.
-Good nose.
No, no, good everything.
-Where you gonna store this stuff, girl? -At home.
-Why the hell would you bring it home? -Because that's where I keep it.
You only bring home the weed you know you gonna be moving real quick, right? You lucky you got pretty eyes and a sweet bedunkadunk.
-What? -Your booty's nice.
Thank you.
Heylia keeps her weed at home.
But Heylia ain't got two kids running around, do she? She damn sure ain't got a sweet place like this.
Strangest thing, banks won't give business loans to poor, black, soon-to-be grandmothers from West Adams.
-They will only give loans to white dealers.
-Don't call me a dealer.
Baby, a sexy spade is still a spade.
What are we playing? -Terrorists.
-I'm hungry.
You can eat once your precious government releases our prisoners.
-Do you guys have Fruit Roll-Ups? -Silence! Come in.
Hi.
Let me save you some typing, okay? I'm an asshole.
I'm an asshole, I'm an asshole, I'm an asshole.
So are we cool? Right.
Cedar closet, hidden locks turkey bags, Seal-a-Meal.
These are the things that you need to know.
-Turkey bags? -You need to build a secret locker and you need to line it with cedar.
That's gonna help keep the bugs out.
-I should be writing this down.
-You trying to get us arrested? Look, protect that locker with a secret lock.
Now, the weed that you break into on a daily, you wanna store that in your turkey bags, that hides the smell.
Then again, you could sprinkle that all over and wouldn't be able to tell here.
How do you not know this? I live in Agrestic.
Do you know how to turn on automatic sprinklers? Hey, Silas.
Shit.
-Give me the weed.
-What weed? Don't fuck around.
Give me the weed.
Jesus.
Is this what you wanna be a couple of fucking teenage burnouts? "Oh, I'm 16.
I have zits.
Life's so tough!" "Oh, I'm deaf.
I can't hear.
Life's so unfair!" -What will you do with it? -Give it to your mother.
-You wouldn't.
-If Marijuana Anonymous teaches us anything, smoking dope, it might be a lot of fun right now.
Soon, you're gonna learn, it teaches you to live in a privately defined world.
A world that gets smaller and smaller as you box yourself in.
You narrow your options, until you're left with absolutely nothing.
That's pretty much cashed.
You American dogs have 24 hours to comply and leave our country, or else.
You are seriously twisted, Strange Botwin.
Don't say my name, infidel! What are you looking for? Are you stealing from us? Yes, my family need this menorah.
Mom said you once stole one of her rings.
-What? -But then she found it.
I think you just probably wanna put your safe right here.
I'll pay you to install it.
You're already into me for a car hood, and I ain't seen a dime of that.
-You got to offer me something else.
-What do you want? Hello? -Nancy? -Celia.
What are you doing here? I refuse to just sit around the house for three days, waiting.
The puppies are coming off, Nance.
And I'm thinking it's time to take them out for one last walk.
-All right, who's the hottie? -My carpenter.
Conrad.
-Conrad, this is Celia.
-Hey.
Hello, carpenter.
Do you want to see something? You have to stop flashing your boobs to the world-- Speak when spoken to.
-"Here today, gone tomorrow.
" -It's symbolic.
My homage to temporary permanence.
-They're beautiful.
-Why, thank you.
-Wanna take them out dancing tonight? -He doesn't have time to go dancing.
Come on, Nancy, we'll go out.
All of us.
I've been fully waxed, and I have a brand-new tattoo.
-I am not going to take no for an answer.
-You have a husband.
Who's white and Jewish.
If we were going out for kreplach, maybe.
No more typing, all right? Let's just talk.
I wanna hear your voice.
Why not? How do you know? You can't hear it.
Listen, come on.
I promise you it'll be okay.
Just talk.
It's me, okay? Just talk to me.
Please? Please.
Hey! -Take that, you Kraut bastards! -What are you doing? -Killing Nazis.
-How brave.
Don't hurt your thumbs.
So now you're selling weed and turning tricks.
A girl's gotta support two kids and a brother-in-law.
Not after we turn that bakery into a gold mine.
Just like the Jesus T-shirts -and the ostrich farm, huh? -Yeah, you're right.
-Much better to be a pot dealer.
-I'm not getting sucked -into your bullshit right now.
-Okay, tap into your higher power.
If I could tap into my higher power, my fingers wouldn't be numb.
Mom! Mom! Mom, check this out.
This is so cool.
-Are you going out? -Yeah, sweetie, but we'll look at that first thing in the morning, okay? Be good.
-Hey, buddy, come hang out with me.
-Pass.
Is it true what they say, that once a white woman's been with a carpenter she never goes back? Baby, when I nail something, it stays nailed.
Wait right here.
I have cancer and jungle fever and tonight one of them is going to get cured.
Hey, sponsor.
Hi.
I'm really losing it.
I need to talk to you.
My girlfriend just broke up with me.
No, no, no.
I need to-- I need to see you.
I'm sitting here with a joint in one hand and a lighter in the other and I'm never gonna make it through the night.
Please.
Please, I'm begging you.
-You got a nice bedunkadunk.
-Has this ever happened to you.
You've never heard an expression, and then you hear it twice in one day? Would you like some champagne? No, thank you.
Something tells me it's best to stay sober around you.
-Why would you say that? -I had to go through a metal detector but you and your friends came through the back.
-That makes me nervous.
-I make you nervous? The guns make me nervous, you make me curious.
Says the white lady in the black club.
-What's your story? -I came with Conrad.
You buying or selling? I'm a suburban baroness of bud.
Nancy.
-Tusk.
-Nice to meet you, Tusk.
-What do you do? -I'm a businessman.
Are you, now? Do you have any kids? I do.
I have two boys and a girl.
I have two boys.
I'm not with them enough.
How do you keep your business separate from your family? -They live in Atlanta.
-Don't you miss them? I'd miss them more if they were dead.
-You got a man? -He died of a heart attack.
He was fun.
We had a good fit.
Now I run around all day, and I don't have anyone to talk to.
-You're talking to me.
-What am I doing? You're doing what all of us are doing, baby.
You're getting by.
Lupita.
Still looking for something? I cleaning.
Well, you want to help me build a pillow fort? Okay.
There's nothing to find here anyway.
I get more pillows.
Lupita, hurry up.
Me and my girlfriend, Vanessa, we loved to get high and have spiritually passionate, uninhibited sex.
It wasn't even sex.
It was better than sex.
It was like a tantric mind-meld.
Only, it was less mind and more meld.
That's why I have to get wasted, you know, but.
I know it'll just make me miss Valerie even more and the pain will be as bad as the sex was good.
-I get it.
-No, I don't think you do.
-I really loved Veronica.
-No, believe me, I get it.
Nothing used to make me happier than getting high and having passionate uninhibited sex.
Really? Yeah.
In fact.
-What? -I can't believe I'm telling you this.
I can only climax if I'm high.
Conrad.
-Focus.
-Oh, God.
Hey, Nance, come here.
You gotta check this out.
-Not right now, it's been a long night.
-No, I think you need to see this.
-What are we playing? -Terrorists.
I'm hungry.
You can eat once your precious government releases our prisoners.
-Do you guys have Fruit Roll-Ups? -Silence! You American dogs have 24 hours to comply and leave our country, or else.
You are seriously twisted, Strange Botwin.
Don't say my name, infidel! Hi, Mom.
What am I gonna do with him? He shot a mountain lion, he wrote a gangster rap.
Now he's making terrorist videos.
Yeah, and I melted army men, and I peed on the neighbors' kid and I blew up frogs.
I was young, and it was the Fourth of July and Jude had dared me-- The point is that little boys do this shit, you know? Mostly because they're dumb or they want attention.
Shane's not dumb.
Now, on the bright side, I think we got a little Scorsese on our hands.
Chicks love those cutting-edge directors.
Man, that kid is gonna get laid by the time he's 11 .
Sweet dreams.
I want a raise.
-You up, kiddo? -Yep.
I saw your video.
And? And the infidels are ready to meet your demands.
You fucking better.