Big Bang Theory s01e07 Episode Script

Watch this, it's really cool.
Call Leonard Hoffstadder.
Did you say: "Call Hellen Boxlightner? Call Leonard Hoffstadder.
Did you say: "Call Temple Badsaidor?" Let me try! Call Calling "Rajesh Koothrappali.
" That's very impressive.
And a little racist.
If we're all through playing "mock the flawed technology," can we get on with Halo night? We were supposed to start at So we'll start now.
First we have to decide if those lost six minutes will be coming out of game time, bathroom time or the pizza break.
We could split it two, two and two.
If we're having anchovies on the pizza, we can't take it out of bathroom time.
Oh, what fresh hell is this? - Hey, Penny.
Come on in.
- Hey, guys.
See a Penny, pick her up, and all the day you'll have good luck.
No, you won't.
Can I hide out here for a while? Sure.
What's going on? There's this girl I know from back in Nebraska, Christy.
She called me up, and she's like, "Hey, how's California?" And I'm like, "Awesome," 'cause, you know, it's not Nebraska.
And the next thing I know she's invited herself out here to stay with me.
Anyway, she got here today and she's just been in my apartment yakity yakking about every guy she slept with in Omaha, which is basically every guy in Omaha, and washing the sluttiest collection of underwear you have ever seen in my bathroom sink.
Is she doing it one thong at a time, or does she throw it all in like some sort of erotic bouillabaisse? - He really needs to dial it down.
- I know.
So if you don't like this Christy, why are you letting her stay? She was engaged to my cousin while she was sleeping with my brother, so she's kind of family.
I apologize for my earlier outburst.
Who needs Halo, when we can be regaled with the delightfully folksy tale of the Whore of Omaha? I don't think she's a whore.
No, yeah, she's definitely a whore.
I mean, she has absolutely no standards.
This one time she was at Where's Howard? Bonjour, mademoiselle.
I understand you're new in town.
Oh, good grief.
I cannot believe Christy let Howard into my apartment.
And I cannot believe people pay for horoscopes, but on a more serious note, it's 8:13 and we're still not playing Halo.
Fine.
We'll just play one-on-one until he gets back.
One-on-one? We don't play one-on-one.
We play teams, not one-on-one.
One-on-one.
The only way we can play teams at this point is if we cut Raj in half.
Sure, cut the foreigner in half.
There's a billion more where he came from.
If you guys need a fourth, I'll play.
- Great idea.
- No.
The wheel was a great idea, relativity was a great idea.
This is a notion, and a rather sucky one at that.
Why? Why? Oh, Penny, Penny, Penny.
What, what, what? This is a complex battle simulation with a steep learning curve.
There are myriad weapons, vehicles and strategies to master, not to mention an extremely intricate backstory.
Oh cool.
Whose head did I just blow off? Mine.
Okay, I got this.
Lock and load, boys.
It's the only way we can play teams.
Yes, but whoever's her partner will be hamstrung by her lack of experience, and not to mention the fact There goes your head again.
It's not good sportsmanship to shoot somebody who's just re-spawned.
You need to give them a chance to Now, come on! Raj, Raj! She's got me cornered.
Cover me! Cover this, suckers! - Penny, you are on fire! - Yes, and so is Sheldon.
Okay, that's it.
I don't know how, but she is cheating.
No one can be that attractive and this skilled at a video game.
Wait, Sheldon, come back.
You forgot something.
What? This plasma grenade.
Look, it's raining you.
You laugh now-- you just wait until you need tech support.
Gosh, he's kind of a sore loser, isn't he? To be fair, he's also a rather unpleasant winner.
Well, it's been fun.
We make such a good team.
Maybe we could enter a couple of Halo tournaments sometime.
Or we could just have a life.
I guess for you that's an option.
- Good night.
- Good night.
As usual, nice talking to you, Raj.
What do you suppose she meant by that? She's an enigma, Raj.
And another thing-- there's a certain ethic to the game, Penny, - a well- established - She's gone.
She could have said good-bye.
Okay, I have a problem.
It's called carpal tunnel syndrome, and quite frankly you deserve it.
What's wrong? Howard and Christy are kind of hooking up in my bedroom.
Are you sure? I grew up on a farm, okay? From what I heard, they're either having sex or Howard's caught in a milking machine.
Do you mind if I stay here tonight? No, take the couch, or my bed.
I just got new pillows.
Hypo-allergenic.
The couch is good.
Hold that thought.
Leonard, a moment.
Let me guess.
You have a problem with this.
- Where do I begin? - It's up to you.
Crazy person's choice.
First, we don't have houseguests.
Frankly, if I could afford the rent, I'd ask you to leave.
Your friendship means a lot to me as well.
What else? Well our earthquake supplies.
We have a two-man, two-day kit.
So? So if there's an earthquake and the three of us are trapped here, we could be out of food by tomorrow afternoon.
I'm sorry, are you suggesting that if we let Penny stay we might succumb to cannibalism? No one ever thinks it'll happen until it does.
If you promise not to chew the flesh off our bones while we sleep, you can stay.
- What? - He's engaging in reductio ad absurdum.
It's the logical fallacy of extending someone's argument to ridiculous proportions and then criticizing the result.
And I do not appreciate it.
I'll get you a blanket and a pillow.
Okay, since I'm obviously being ignored here, let's go over the morning schedule.
I use the bathroom from 7:00 to 7:20.
Plan your ablutions and bodily functions accordingly.
How am I supposed to plan my bodily functions? I suggest no liquids after 11:00 p.
m.
- Here you go.
- Thanks, Leonard.
Wrong.
I'm listening.
Your head goes on the other end.
- Why? - It's culturally universal.
A bed, even a temporary bed, is always oriented with the headboard away from the door.
It serves the ancient imperative of protecting oneself against marauders.
I'll risk it.
Anything else should I know? Yes, if you use my toothbrush, I'll jump out that window.
Please don't come to my funeral.
Have a good night.
Sorry about that.
- That's okay.
- FYI-- his toothbrush is the red one in the Plexiglas case under the UV light.
Got it.
- Sleep tight.
- Thanks Funny expression, "sleep tight.
" It refers to the early construction of beds which featured a mattress suspended on interlocking ropes, which would occasionally Sleep tight.
What are you doing? Every Saturday since we've lived in this apartment I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal, added a quarter cup of two percent milk, sat on this end of this couch, turned on BBC America, and watched Doctor Who.
Penny's still sleeping.
Every Saturday since we've lived in this apartment I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl I know.
You have a TV in your room.
Why don't you just have breakfast in bed? Because I am neither an invalid, nor a woman celebrating Mother's Day.
What time is it? Almost 6:30.
I slept all day? No, it's 6:30 in the morning.
What the hell is your problem? Okay, this cereal has lost all its molecular integrity.
I now have a bowl of shredded wheat paste.
Hola, nerd-migos.
Why do you people hate sleep? Are you wearing my robe? Yeah.
Sorry, I'll have it cleaned.
That's okay, keep it.
- Where's Christy? - In the shower.
By the way, where did you get that loofah mitt? Yours reaches places that mine just won't.
You used my loofah? More precisely, weused your loofah.
I exfoliated her brains out.
You can keep that, too.
Then we'll probably need to talk about your stuffed bear collection.
In here, milady! Here's my little engine that could.
There's one beloved children's book I'll never read again.
Hi.
Christy.
- I'm Sheldon.
- Right.
You're Howard's entourage.
So, Christy, what are your plans? Howard said he'd take me shopping in Beverly Hills.
Yeah, no, I meant plans to find someplace to live.
Other than with me.
Not that I don't love having you, but it's It's a little crowded.
Penny, you're always welcome to stay with us.
Oh, terrific.
Now we're running a cute little B & B.
Let me offer a little outside-the-box thinking here.
Why doesn't Christy stay with me? - You live with your mother.
- I do not.
My mother lives with me.
Then it's all settled.
Christy will stay with Howard, Penny can go back to her apartment, and I'll watch the last 24 minutes of Doctor Who.
Although at this point, it's more like Doctor Why Bother? - Sheldon, you just can't dictate - No more talking! Everybody go! So what do you say? Want to repair to Casa Wolowitz? What is that, like a Mexican deli? I'm sorry, I should have mentioned this earlier.
My last name is Wolowitz.
That's so cool.
My first Jew.
I imagine there aren't very many Kosher Cornhuskers.
But you're still taking me shopping? Anything you want.
Okay, I'll go pack my stuff.
When they perfect human cloning, I'm going to order 12 of those.
Can't you see she's using you? Who cares? Last night, she pulled off her blouse and I wept.
I know her.
Okay? She'll have sex with anyone, as long as they keep buying her things.
- Really? - Yeah.
If you'll excuse me, I have some Bar Mitzvah bonds to cash.
I'm sorry, we cannot do this without Wolowitz.
We can't order Chinese food without Wolowitz? Let me walk you through it.
Our standard order is: the steamed dumpling appetizer, General Tso's chicken, beef with broccoli, shrimp with lobster sauce and vegetable lo mein.
Do you see the problem? I see a problem.
Our entire order is predicated on four dumplings and four entrees divided amongst four people.
- So, we'll just order three entrees.
- Fine.
What do you want to eliminate? And who gets the extra dumpling? We could cut it into thirds.
Then it's no longer a dumpling.
Once you cut it open it is, at best, a very small open-faced sandwich.
Hi, fellas.
Where's your annoying little friend who thinks he speaks Mandarin? He's putting his needs ahead of the collective good.
Where he comes from, that's punishable by death.
I come from Sacramento.
Can we get an order of dumplings but with three instead of four? No substitutions.
This isn't a substitution.
It's a reduction.
Okay.
No reductions.
Fine.
Bring us three orders of dumplings.
- That's 12.
We'll each have four.
- That works.
If we fill up on dumplings, we need to eliminate another entree.
No eliminations.
If we have extra, we'll just take the leftovers home.
And divide it how? I'm telling you, we cannot do this without Wolowitz.
Wolowitz is with his new girlfriend.
If you had let me invite Penny, then you would have had your fourth.
Have you seen Penny eat Chinese food? She uses a fork and she double-dips her egg rolls.
- We don't order egg rolls.
- Exactly, but we'd have to if she was here! Can we please make a decision? Not only are there children starving in India, there's an Indian starving right here.
There's an idea.
Why don't we just go out for Indian food? You're nice boys.
Tell you what I'm going to do.
I'm going to bring you the four dumplings.
When I'm walking over to the table, maybe I get bumped, one of the dumplings fall to the floor.
No one has to know.
I'll know.
- How about soup? - Yeah, we can always divide soup.
What about the wontons? Hey, guys, what's up? It's Halo night.
So? With Wolowitz spending all of his time with your friend Christy She's not my friend.
Friends do not get their friends' Care Bears all sweaty.
Right.
Anyway, uh, with Wolowitz occupied elsewhere, we had something we wanted to ask you.
Yes.
We would very much appreciate it if you would be the fourth member of our Halo team.
I don't think I need to tell you what an honor this is.
That's so sweet, but I'm going out dancing with a girlfriend.
You can't go out; it's Halo night.
- Well, for Penny, it's dancing night.
- You go dancing every Wednesday? - No.
- Then that's not "dancing night.
" Why don't I play with you guys tomorrow? Tonight is Halo night.
It's like talking to a wall.
All right, now, Sheldon, you and I are about to have a problem.
Sheldon, remember, we role-played this.
Yes, but you didn't portray her as completely irrational.
All right, fellas, I gotta go.
But good luck.
Maybe we should've asked if we could go dancing with her and her girlfriend.
Assuming we could dance-- which we can't-- there are three of us and two of them.
So? It's the Chinese restaurant all over again.
I assure you that cutting a dumpling in thirds is child's play compared with three men each attempting to dance with 67% of a woman.
For God's sakes, Sheldon, you're driving me crazy! Your anger is not with me, sir, but with basic mathematics.
I'm pretty sure my anger is with you.
What's happening to us? We're falling apart.
- Who are you calling? - The only man who can restore any semblance of balance to our universe.
Hi, this is Howard Wolowitz.
And this is Christy Vanderbelt.
We can't get to the phone right now because we're having sex! You're not going to put that on your message, are you? Nah, I'm just kidding.
I'll re-record it.
Sheldon, think this through.
You're going to ask Howard to choose between sex and Halo.
No, I'm going to ask him to choose between sex and Halo Three.
As far as I know, sex has not been upgraded to include Hi-Def graphics and enhanced weapon systems.
You're right, all sex has is nudity, orgasms and human contact.
My point.
You can take the damn plastic off the couch once in a while! Why, so you and Howard can hump on it?! Ladies, ladies, I'm sure there's a middle ground.
Shut up, Howard! You guys talk.
I'm gonna take my scooter out for a little spin.
You happy? You drove your own son out of the house.
Why don't you stop What are you doing here? It's Halo night.
He's not a man, he's a putz! And don't you take that tone with me, you gold digger! - What'd you call me? - You heard me! And I'll tell you something else, you're barking up the wrong tree.
'Cause as long as you're around, Howard is out of the will! You know what? I got better offers.
I'm outta here.
That's right.
Go back to Babylon, you whore! So, Halo night, huh? I thought she was the whore of Omaha.
Sheldon, you got him in your sights! Fire! He's charging his plasma rifle! I can't shoot now.
I'm cloaking! - Raj! Kill Sheldon! - I can't see him! That's why they call it cloaking, dead man! - Start throwing grenades! - I'm all out! Hey, guys.
My friends and I got tired of dancing, so we came over to have sex with you.
Raj, hop in the tank! - We said no tanks! - There are no rules in hell! Son of a bitch.
Med pack! I need a med pack! Told ya.
There's a sniper.
Use your rocket launcher! All I've got is a Needler and I'm all out of ammo! And now you're out of life.
Why'd you hit pause? I thought I heard something.
What? No, never mind.
Sorry.
Go.