Everybody Hates Chris s01e07 Episode Script

Chris, look at your sister.
What happened to her? You weren't watching her, that's what happened to her.
I told you I wanted a cookie.
Mom, I just sat down for a minute.
Do you know what can happen in a minute? Now, go get your sister washed up now.
Come on, Tonya.
Thanks to Drew and Tonya, I was taking care of kids until I was taking care of my own kids.
Chris, get me some potato chips.
Chris, help me with my homework.
Chris, find my doll.
Chris, go make me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Chris, make me some Kl Aid.
Chris, strap up my shoe.
Chris, I'm going to take a shower, watch the kids.
Chris, tie my shoe! Chris, I'm going to pick up my Porgy's.
Watch the kids! Chris, help! My head is stuck! Chris, I'm going to eat some peanuts.
Watch the kids.
Chris, I'm going to get my mustache waxed.
Watch the kids.
Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Adaptation: Sixe Whoa! Whoa! The one thing that Drew and I did together was watch basketball games and Rocky movies.
Tonight it was basketball.
Whoa! See that shot? Whoa! But since we only had one TV, we had to share with Tonya, and Tonya always got her way.
Mama said I can watch Three's Company.
We're watching the game! I don't care.
Move.
Oh, hey, baby.
How was work? Hard.
You know, I was thinking that maybe we should go out, you know? Have dinner relax a little.
Why would I go out to relax, when I can relax at home for free? That was my father's rationale for everything.
$20 to get in the club? We can dance at home for free.
I just wanted to do something nice.
That all.
I think staying home is nice.
Well, you're not here all day.
Well, why don't I stay home, and you can go out and work two jobs? Where's a time machine where you could just go back and shut up? No, I did not mean-- I'm not trying to take anything away from what you do here.
That's okay.
If you don't want to go out you don't have to.
- No, look - It's okay, no, no.
Enough said.
It's over.
Over.
There are two things my father knew for sure: He knew he knew nothing for sure, and he knew this wasn't over.
Hey, Dad.
Hey, guys.
Y'all eating already? - Where's your mother? - In the kitchen.
Hey, babe.
What's for dinner? Well, the kids are having chicken.
What about me? Well, you got two jobs.
You could take your two-job money and go buy you a two-job meal.
I'm sorry baby.
If you want to go out, we can go out.
Thank you, baby, oh! I'll call Sheila's baby-sitter and tell her she can come tomorrow.
Why do we got to pay a baby-sitter when Chris'll do it for free? No, no, no, he does it during the day, not at night.
Rochelle, we don't really need Do you want me to make you some chicken? Okay, well, I'm gonna call Sheila's baby-sitter.
Hi, I'm Yvette.
Oh, okay, come on in.
Okay, so have some chicken baking in the oven.
Just take it out about in 20 minutes.
Chris and Drew are gonna watch the basketball game.
What am I gonna do while Chris and Drew are watching the basketball game? Well, you can hang with me.
I'll show you how to make french braid.
Okay.
And, Yvette, I left the number of the restaurant by the phone.
Now, call me if anything goes wrong, ok Everything's gonna be fine.
Chris, I don't want that girl calling us.
So if there's a problem handle it.
Me and your mother don't go out often, so I don't want nothing to spoil it.
Here.
Whoa, what's this? That's emergency money.
My father believed there's nothing $10 couldn't fix.
What if something costs $11? Talk them down to ten.
Got it.
Okay, you guys be good.
All right, Chris.
Call me if you need anything, okay? Okay.
Okay, bye, y'all.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
Bye, Dad.
Bye, sweetie.
Take your time and have fun.
Welcome to Pastures and Shores.
May I take your order? Okay, I'll have the all-you-can-eat shrimp and sirloin combo, well done, order of coleslaw and a Coke.
And you, sir? I'll have the ultimate surf and turf and a large Coke.
That'll be $17.
99.
Wait, baby.
Are you sure we can afford this? It's okay.
I have coupons.
If there was a coupon for something, my father had it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's this? A coupon-- no tickets on Tuesday.
This doesn't include the all-you-can-eat shrimp and sirloin combo.
Oh, you know what? I'll just order something else.
I'll take the No, it's okay.
I want everything to be perfect.
Get what you want.
I'll pay for it.
Is there a problem? Can I have my coupon? Having a babysitter in the house was great, because the only kid I had to worry about was me.
I'll be right back.
No, I can't talk right now.
My mother would never hire someone she thought was irresponsible.
But irresponsible people never tell you that they're irresponsible-- because they're irresponsible! Chris, I got to go! What do you mean you got to go? I got something I got to do.
You are doing something! You stayed with your brother and sister before, right? Yeah, but that's only during the day.
You'll be fine.
I'll be right back.
At that moment, I want to bust her right upside the head.
I'm hungry.
Oh, our food, yeah.
Oh.
Thank you.
I am hungry.
Thank you.
Oh, wait, wait.
Uh, excuse me.
I ordered coleslaw, but this is potato salad.
I'll get the manager.
We don't want the manager.
We want coleslaw.
I'll get the manager.
Is there a problem? My wife ordered coleslaw and got potato salad.
I'm sorry for the misunderstanding, but that meal comes with potato salad.
But I ordered coleslaw.
It comes with potato salad.
We'd be happy to sell you a side of coleslaw for 79 cents, you just have to get back in line.
Never go out on the day they give out welfare checks.
You got a thousand little paper cups of coleslaw back there.
You mean you can't take this back and bring her one? You know what? Never mind.
Just bring me a bowl-- I'll have some of his coleslaw.
Not a problem.
No, no, no, can't do that, ma'am.
We have a no-sharing policy.
So what you're telling me is that I can't have some of my husband's coleslaw? That's what you're saying to me? You could, but we would have to ask you to leave.
You know You know what? You know what? I eat at home.
That's why I cook my own meals.
You know what? I'll get you coleslaw.
Is there anything else?! Enjoy your meal.
What the hell-- does he think he's Mr.
T? Why is he acting like that? It's okay.
This is our night, it's our night.
You're right.
- What's that? - It's my baby.
You can't bring that baby in here.
Would you be quiet, and let me handle this? You can't bring that baby in here.
It'll just be for a little while.
Did you bring something back to eat? I'm hungry.
I forgot your mother put some chicken in the oven for you.
I'm gonna run and get you guys something to eat.
Watch the baby, okay? You can't leave your baby here.
Why not? Because you're baby-sitting.
I'm just going down to Lincoln Fried Chicken.
What if he gets hungry? What if he throws up? He won't-- it'll be fine.
I'll be right back.
At that moment I was sure of two things: I wasn't going to be fine, and she wasn't going to be right back.
What's this? Why didn't they just give you a cup of coleslaw? It's this big.
It'll be here in a few minutes.
Where you going? I'm going to check on the kids.
The kids are fine I'm just going to check, okay? Whoa-- a behind the back, off the backboard dunk! Chris, man, you're missing it! Come on! Shh, would you be quiet? Stop yelling and turn the TV down.
* It's like a jungle sometimes ** * It makes me wonder how I keep from going under * * Uh, uh, uh-uh * * It's like a jungle sometimes* * It makes me wonder how I keep from going under.
** Hey, he cried when I sang "Endless Love.
" - You think she's coming back? - She better.
Hello.
Hey, baby, how's it going? Good.
- Is that a baby? - No, it's the TV.
Where's Yvette? She's in the bathroom.
Okay.
Well, we'll be home in a little while, all right? Okay.
- Okay, love you.
- All right, bye.
I know you're thinking: "Why did'nt I just tell my mother what was going on?" Well, I figured it couldn't get any worse.
Hi, um is Yvette here? She just left.
And who are you? I'm Mario.
Is that my baby? I don't know, is it? I know.
He takes after his mom.
We didn't know if it was his baby, either.
But trust me, there ain't no black man picking up a baby that ain't his.
What's he doing here? Where did she go? She went to go get us something to eat.
She's babysitting us.
Where you think you're going? You can't just leave with somebody's baby.
Look, when she comes back, tell her I'll be at her mother's house.
Chris, man, you should have seen it! Bernard King hit a shot from the top of the key, stole it and hit another one right before the half! I'm hungry.
Sometimes my father would be so focused on everything going right, he didn't realize he was the reason it was going wrong.
It's okay.
Your coleslaw will be here any minute.
Julius, why do you make such a big deal out of nothing? Because I spent good money on this.
I expect it to be good.
Well, is it about the money or is it about me? Why would you even ask me that? Baby, we have been waing for a Dixie Cup full of coleslaw.
Think about it.
Oh, finally! Enjoy your coleslaw.
I'm sorry.
I don't get to take you out as much as I'd like.
It's okay, baby.
I just want everything to be right.
But as long as I'm with you, everything's perfect.
I love you.
Everybody down! Get down! Now! Damn it! - Hey.
- Hey.
Isn't it funny how irresponsible people think they can change the whole world with a piece of chicken? Chris, man, this is the best game I ever seen.
You got to come watch.
Chris, where's the baby? His father took him.
You gave my baby to a stranger? No, to his father.
That could be anybody.
He asked for you at the door.
And the baby said "Da-Da.
" - Who else could it be? - I don't know! - Where'd they go? - To his mother's house.
I know-- you'll be right back.
Yeah! As bad as things were going, I could always count on one person to make things go from bad to worse.
- Hello? - Hello? I'm looking for my parents.
They're having dinner there tonight.
I'm sorry, I think you got the wrong number.
This ain't no restaurant.
Tonya, what are you doing? Hey! What are you doing? - I'm calling mom.
- I'm answering the phone! - Are you trying to mess everything up? - You going to mess everything up.
Just put the money in there! Momma said call if anything went wrong.
Something went wrong, so I'm calling.
Tonya, no.
They're on a date.
And if you call, you're going to be messing everything up.
Then mama will be mad at dad, dad will be mad at me.
Just let me handle this, okay? All I know is somebody better French braid my hair.
Give me the money, big man! Yeah, just watch where you're pointing that thing.
Don't tell me where to watch.
I'll point this wherever I want.
Julius, just be quiet.
You better listen to your girl.
Hey, that's not my girl, that's my wife.
Hey, man, come on, just get the money and let's go.
Noman, big man over here trying to be a hero.
Hey, come on, I got .
I got this.
Chelle? - Huh? - Is that you? It's me, Ricky! Remember? From Flatbush! I'm sorry, I-I don't believe I know who you are.
I used to be at the club with Shine and them, remember? We used to pop lock.
Remember? Ricky Edwards?! Donna's brother! Yeah! Yeah! How you been? Oh, good till now.
How you been? Oh, I'm hanging in there.
All right.
Hey, since you all so tight, why don't you just let uslide? Hey, man, if it was up to me, I would.
But my partner crazy.
So you all going to have to put something in the bag.
Look, why don't we just pretend we put something in the bag? Because this ain't no pretend robbery! Julius, just give him the money.
Um, can you just leave us a little bit for babysitter? You know how it is.
You got kids? Boy, I got three! Two boys and a girl! Kids, they a blessing, ain't they? Yeah, love of my life.
Dig.
Look, just give me 20-- and hurry up before my man sees you.
Give him, give him! Hurry, before my partner sees.
Chelle.
It was good seeing you, girl.
You too, man.
Hey! Don't tell nobody I did this.
Hello.
Hi.
Is Yvette here? Who are you? I'm her mother.
I came to pick up the baby.
His father took him.
Where's Yvette? She said she'll be right back.
Then again, she said that You mind if I come in and wait for her? Come in.
Is everybody okay? No we're not okay, man, we just got robbed.
Julius After everything that happened you would expect my mother's reaction to be a little like this You are such a brave man.
Oh, baby, thank you for taking me to dinner and standing up to those robbers.
Oh, baby, I love you so much.
Instead, it went a little something like this.
Are you crazy? What was you thinking arguing with a masked gunman?! You could have been killed! Do you think I got married to raise three kids by myself? The next time somebody tries to rob us get robbed! Let's go! Here's a coupon for a free meal if you decide to come back again.
- Thanks, man.
- Julius! Take two.
Good luck.
What happened to your hair? Yvette says she was going to teach me how to French braid.
Does Yvette live with you? Yes.
Why? My mama said if I have a baby before I get married, she says she's putting me out because she ain't raising no babies.
- You like raising babies? - No.
How come you didn't put her out? How old are you? Nine.
I'll get it! Your mother's here.
Chris, this is the best game I ever seen! You got to come watch! How come you didnt tell me you were babysitting? Why are you in my business? You live in my house, you don't have any business.
I don't have to live at your house.
I'll move in with Mario.
You think Mario's mother wants to deal with you? You need a job.
Why do you think I'm babysitting? You weren't even here.
I was coming right back.
Hey, hey! That's enough.
Excuse me? You got to leave and take that baby with you.
Fine! Not you, her.
I don't know if that's such a good idea.
If my mom comes home and finds out what happened, she's going to ask me why I didn't tell her.
And I'm going say because my dad told me not to.
And then she's going to curse him out and kill me.
When are you coming home? As soon as his mom and dad come back.
Are you still going to teach me how to French braid my hair? Yeah.
Oh, Chris why don't you go watch your game.
Three, two, one! Oh, man! That was a good game! So, everything went okay? Oh, everything went so good.
We had so much fun.
Oh, good! They were really good.
We should do it again.
For sure! You know what? Maybe we could go to a movie next time.
I wanted this to be a good night for my parents.
and I didn't want my father to think I couldn't handle things.
So, I decided to keep everything that hapened to myself.
You know, Yvette, are you free next Friday? No, no, no, no, no! She left us to go get a baby.
But then when she came back, she burnt your chicken.
So then, this guy came to the door asking for the baby.
He said his name was Mario and he was the baby's father.
So then when he left, she came back, and the baby wasn't here.
So then she went too get ge baby back, her mother came the door looking for her and the baby.
So then they had a big fight about where to live.
She said she'd live at Mario's house.
Who is Mario?! So then when she came back, she started braiding Tonya's hair.
Drew got to watcthe game, you guys came back.
She's trying to make it look like everything was all peachy and fine.
It's not! I told you we should have let Chris baby-sit.
Girl, give me my money back.
I'm going to kick her ass.
Hold my wig.