Frasier s01e07 Episode Script

It's 4:25, and this is Dr Frasier Crane.
- Who's our next caller? - Hank has trouble with his neighbours.
Hello, Hank, I'm listening.
- (Hank) 'Am I on? ' - Yes, you're on the air.
(Hank) 'Hello, am I on? ' Hank, listen.
Turn down your radio and just talk into your phone.
(Hank) 'Hello? ' You won't be able to hear yourself.
We're on a seven-second delay.
'Hello, can you hear me? ' For crying out loud! Thank you, Hank.
People, turn off your damn radios! Ah, no, I mean just those of you who are calling in! Who's our next caller? Marco has relationship problems.
Hello, Marco, I'm listening.
(Marco) 'I started seeing this woman two years ago.
'I think it was two years.
It was around Thanksgiving 'Yeah, the leaves were off the trees and ' Close enough.
What is your problem? 'Lt's not really my problem, it's more like her problem.
- 'She's pressing me for a commitment.
' - What's holding you back? 'I want to keep my options open, in case somebody better comes along.
' "Somebody better comes along.
" "Somebody better comes along!" Marco, do you hear yourself? 'No, I turned my radio off after you blasted that other guy.
' Listen, I suggest you give your motives a thorough examination, and if you can't commit, it's best for both of you to break it off.
- 'Yeah? ' - Yeah! Thank you for your call.
Tell me, what is it with guys like that? Hey, Roz, you've been around the block a few times.
Ever run into a guy like Marco? Oh, they're all Marcos.
You can't swing a dead cat without hitting a Marco.
If that was so, no one would be having a relationship.
Well, I'm not, my sister's not, none of my friends are.
I've seen the future.
Its name is Marco.
What do you think, Seattle? Are there any non-Marcos out there, or is Roz destined to live a life of hopeless, loveless spinsterhood? Back after this.
Gee, I just love it when you include me in your show.
(lndistinct) This is weird.
It's not even Halloween yet.
Do we have to do this now? Yes, if we want a picture for the Christmas card.
Why can't we just do what my wife and I did - put Frasier and Niles, in matching sweaters, on the old Packard.
Well, this year we're going to be a little more artistic.
Where is Frasier? I could use help.
He's still napping.
My grandfather used to nap every day.
- He lived to be 93.
- Really? He'd lie there on the sofa, and you couldn't wake him.
Grammy would say, "He might as well be a dead man.
" Then, one day, we couldn't wake him.
He really was a dead man.
Poor Grammy.
For weeks, she kept insisting: "'E's napping, 'e's napping.
" OK, I'm going to turn it on.
Oh, it's lovely! (Both) # Deck the halls with boughs of holly # Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la # 'Tis the season to be jolly # Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la # Don we now our gay apparel # Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la # Excuse me, excuse me.
Exactly how long have I been asleep? Good, you're up.
Now we can get this picture taken.
- What picture? - The picture for the Christmas card.
Oh, right.
The theme is Santa's workshop.
Put on your little elf hats.
I'm not putting this on my head! I'm a respected professional! But if you don't, it'll look stupid! The ship has already sailed on that one.
- Put the hat on! - You can't tell me what to do.
I am telling you.
You can no longer sit me on top of some stupid old Packard! Boys, please, don't fight! Are you forgetting what day it is? It's October 21! - Can we just get the picture taken? - I've got it all set.
Oh wait, where's Eddie? In the bathroom, getting a drink.
Eddie! Well, I can always pray there's a postal strike.
That's it for today.
This is Dr Frasier Crane saying, "Go out there and make it a great evening, Seattle.
" Hey, there's a fan in the hall who'd like your autograph.
Oh, God, save me from my adoring fans.
Oh! But not from the adorable ones.
Hello.
You wanted an autograph? Uh, how should I make this out? You disgust me, you parasitic fraud! That's certainly different from the usual "Best Regards".
For once you'll face the consequences of hanging up on callers! What consequences? I'm Marco's girlfriend Excuse me, ex-girlfriend, thanks to you.
The Marco who didn't want to commit? You damned radio shrinks.
You couldn't just tell him to stick with it! That doesn't get big ratings.
No! "Get on with your life and ruin hers.
" - That's entertainment.
- Hold on.
Did you listen to the show? - No, but Marco told me what you said.
- Oh, he did, did he? Did he mention he only stayed with you to keep his options open? He said he only stayed with you until somebody better came along.
- He said that? - To most of Seattle.
Apparently, you're the only one who missed it.
So, it wasn't that he didn't want to commit.
He just didn't want to commit to me.
I'm sorry I had to tell you, but at least now you know the truth.
Oh, no Don't don't cry.
Look, you're You're in a place of business here.
Boy, I can really pick 'em, can't I? Don't go there.
Look, this is not your fault.
You're a terrifically attractive young woman, maybe a bit overemotional Oh, yes, there, there, shh.
- Listen, can I get you something? - Mm-mm.
- A drink of water? - No.
M & M's? Plain or peanut? - Whichever you like.
- Peanut.
God, I should have seen this coming.
He almost had a coronary, when I brought a toothbrush over to keep at his apartment.
- Thank you.
You want one? - Uh, no, thanks.
Have a seat.
Listen, if he was that resistant, why did you stay with him? I had a lot invested in it.
Why settle for someone who isn't madly in love with you? Right now I'm not sure there are any men who are capable of falling madly in love.
There are.
Men and women are basically the same.
We both need to be loved and to love someone, we both want to feel that we matter to someone.
Making a commitment to another human being is the ultimate expression of our humanity.
Wow.
Your wife is really lucky.
Well, I'm sure she'd say the same thing.
Especially now that our marriage is over.
Maybe I will have one of those M & M's.
Oh, boy Why are relationships always so hard? - Hey! You like the yellow ones too? - People tell you they're the same.
- But they're not! - No! Relationships don't have to be hard.
I heard of a documented case where a man and a woman met, got along, and actually lived happily ever after.
I don't mind the happily-ever-after-part.
It's the dating part.
If I have to tell one more stranger the story of my life over Northern Italian cuisine, I'll choke on a breadstick! I know.
Maybe we could just exchange résumés over appetisers.
- I usually say goodbye over appetisers.
- At least you're not stuck with the bill.
You haven't dated much lately, have you? No.
I usually end up in restaurants alone.
I can't do that.
I even turn on the TV at home so it feels like there's someone else there.
Is that what you'll be doing tonight? Well, unless I just keep eating M & M's, which is a distinct possibility.
Soft and supple, yet strong right down to the beautiful almond-shaped nails.
- You really see all that in my hand? - Mm-hm.
I'm late for work.
Wait.
What are we doing tonight? "Antonio's", "Le Cigare Volant"? - Why don't we just stay in? - That's a great idea! I'll send Dad and Daphne to the movies.
I'll cook for you.
Be at my place at 8:00.
I won't make it till 8:30.
I must change.
No! Don't ever change.
I like you just the way you are.
(Groans) Come on, I'm a little out of practice! I'll see you later, OK? Bye.
I'll dispense with the usual adolescent teasing.
Who was that babe-o-rama? You remind me of Bob Hope when he dresses up as the Fonz.
- Her name is Catherine.
- How long have you known her? - Three days.
- Have you two? - No.
As if it's any of your business.
- But you're? Yes, soon! - We are talking about? - Of course we are! - Sex, right? - Yes! (Clears throat) So How did you two meet? She came down to the radio station to chew me out.
- You're kidding.
- No.
Her boyfriend called the show.
I advised him to break up with her.
Frasier, where are your ethics? You can't date someone who's involved with your patient.
Marco is not a patient, he's a caller.
There's a huge difference.
I talked to him days before I met her.
Rationalisation, the last refuge of a (Both talk at the same time) I am not rationalising! There is nothing wrong here! As long as your conscience is clear.
Mine wouldn't be.
Well, frankly, I don't care about your conscience.
I don't need your approval.
I don't need you for anything.
My car's in the shop.
I need a ride home tonight.
No problem.
I've got news for you, Marco's on line two.
Marco? The guy you got out of the way so you could keep his girlfriend.
- Ten seconds.
- I'm not talking to him.
There's no way I'm talking to him! Three, two Hi, we're back.
Roz, whom do we have on the line? We have Marco on line two.
- Who's this on line three? - Todd.
Oops, we lost Todd.
But lucky for you, we still have Marco on line two.
Thank you, Roz.
- Hello, Marco.
- (Marco) 'Hi, Dr Crane.
'I spoke to you and I took your advice - I broke up with my girlfriend.
' Well, what can I say but "Bravo, Marco"? - Who's next? - 'Wait! 'You haven't heard my problem.
She's already dating someone else.
' - It makes me nuts.
- What makes you think that? 'The other night, I couldn't get her on the phone.
So I drove by her house, 'and I saw her outside talking to some guy in a black BMW.
' Did you, er, get a good look at the guy? 'No, it was too dark.
I think I made a big mistake, Doc.
'Should I ask her to take me back? ' No! I mean, what I mean is No.
Marco, you don't want your ex-girlfriend back - you don't want anybody else to have her.
- 'Well, I ' - No, it's called "jealousy".
You must stop spying on her and get on with your life.
Borrow a page from my book: Move to a new city.
A new state.
Find out why everyone's talking about Pittsburgh! We'll be right back after these messages.
What? - (Frasier) 'Thanks for picking me up.
' - No problem.
Just a few miles out of my way.
At rush hour.
But I didn't mind, really.
Gave me a chance to listen to your show.
I see.
I just have one question for you.
Can you tell me that your advice to Marco was based on his best interests, and not on your own? That's an interesting question, Niles, and I don't care.
I'm in love, and I don't care.
Catherine is mine now.
I'm in and Marco's out.
- You're insane! - Perhaps, but you just ran a stop sign.
(Brakes screech) - Now we're in the intersection! - Oh! I tell you, Niles, I haven't felt this way in ages.
There's an excitement about this.
I I feel tingly.
- What does your stomach say? - My stomach? You know what I'm talking about.
Whenever you approached a breach of ethics, you'd get queasy.
At least I didn't get spontaneous nosebleeds.
Remember when we lifted that dollar from Mom's purse, we left a gruesome trail back to the tree house that day.
But, you see, you've proved my point.
I'm not the least bit queasy, I'm fine.
My head, my heart, my gastrointestinal system, all shout, "It's OK!" Niles, is this a new car? Yes, a patient of mine got me a huge break on a lease.
Frasier, do you have a handkerchief? (Car horn) Mm, that was the best Salmon Marseille I've ever had.
You should try my Salmon "Enchanted Evening".
- Tell me you didn't say that.
- Oh, it was just the Lafite talking.
Lafite, don't fail me now! Oh, stop, stop! So have you ever made love in the kitchen? (Plates shatter) Well, the, uh dishes are done.
Oh! Mm! (Both pant) (Frasier) 'Ewww! ' (Catherine) 'What? ' I'm sorry, I'm suddenly feeling a little queasy.
I Maybe I'm just not a kitchen person.
Well, uh Maybe you're just a little too warm, huh? - Yeah? - Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that's it.
- You look awfully warm too.
- Oh, I am! Yes.
- Oh, my God! - Oh! Oh! Ooh! I'm sorry.
Would you mind if we moved to the sofa? I won't be outperformed by a Barcalounger.
Oh Oh! This is better.
Oh, yes.
Mm Mm Ewww! Ah What? Was I kneeling on you? I need some fresh air.
Are you OK? I'm fine.
Oh, damn, it wasn't the fish! There's a bug going round.
- It's not a bug.
- What is it, then? It's us.
Every time we touch and kiss, I get queasy.
The thought of making love to me makes you sick to your stomach? Yes, but don't take it personally.
It's It's not you, it's me.
Every time I come close to breaching my ethics, I get sick.
What? Marco called and said he wanted to get back with you.
- I told him not to.
- So? Maybe I told him that not because it was good for him but good for me.
Oh, Frasier! Who cares? I care.
Any psychiatrist worth his salt would care.
That's why we don't get involved with our patients.
Or their girlfriends.
- Do you want to break up with me? - I don't want to.
I have to.
If I don't, I'll throw up all over your shoes.
I can't believe this is happening.
How can this be so easy for you? Easy? This is killing me! I want to carry you to that Eames classic and show you why it's the best-engineered chair in the world! - Why don't you, then? - I told you, I can't! Oh! And nothing I can say will change your mind? I'm sorry.
Well, thank you, Dr Crane! First you screw things up with Marco and now you're dumping me! God, and to think I was going to have sex with you! And it was going to be hot.
Oh, like you've never had before! I'm talking steamy, sweat dripping down your back, neighbours pounding on the walls.
Illegal in 48 states kind of sex! But, hey.
You're OK.
You won't be alone tonight.
No, you've got your ethics! Oh! Oh, by the way, The fish was dry.
Oh, that was a cheap shot! How I envy you, Eddie.
The biggest questions you face are: "Who's going to walk me? Who's going to feed me?" I won't know that kind of joy for another 40 years.
# Baby, I hear the blues a-calling Tossed salads and scrambled eggs # Quite stylish # Maybe I seem a bit confused Well, maybe, but I got you pegged! # But I don't know what do with those Tossed salads and scrambled eggs # They're calling again # Good night, Seattle, we love you!