Home Improvement s01e07 Episode Script

Boys, finish your breakfast.
Hurry up and brush your teeth.
If you miss that bus, you're gonna be in big, big trouble.
Trouble already? Guys, pace yourselves.
You've got all day to be evil.
You don't wanna peak too soon.
- Give the old man a kiss goodbye.
- Did you brush? Front and back.
Oh, honey, honey, you're gonna have to move my car, 'cause I'm blocking you.
Why don't you just park in your side of the driveway? Bikes.
- I'll leave these in your car.
- OK, bye! Bye.
- Mom? - Yeah? - Can I ask you something? - Sure.
Do you think I have girls' hands? What? Jason Loomis says I have hands like his sister, only smaller.
That is ridiculous.
Look at these hands They're strong, well-defined.
With these hands, you could be a painter or a surgeon, a concert pianist A football player, karate champ, lumberjack, test pilot Thanks, Mom.
Brad, Mark, bus is here! Move it! - Kiss.
- Bye, Mom.
Bye.
Kiss.
- Bye, Mom.
- Love ya! Love you too.
- Tim, you're still here? - Oh, yeah.
How long has the oil light been on, Jill? - Oil light - The oil light.
Next to the speedometer.
A little red light with an oil can on it.
Oh, that thing.
I don't know, two or three days.
Two or three days?! It's a warning light.
Didn't it occur to you there might be a little problem? I thought if there was a problem with the car, that the light would get brighter or there would be a buzzer.
A buzzer? It's a car, not a game show.
- Tim, the car is running fine.
- It used to be running fine.
Inside of a car is an internal combustion engine, composed of many precision parts running at a high RPM.
High RPM produces friction.
Friction produces heat.
Heat is dissipated by lubrication - oil! When the car didn't get the oil that it needs, it tends to seize up into a rock.
Are you saying the car's not running? We now own a 4,000 pound, four-door boulder.
- You mean I can't drive it? - Not unless you're Wilma Flintstone.
OK, Tim, I've cut the molding to the proper length, - and by using our Miter Box here - It's no good.
- It's a very good cut, Tim.
- Not talking about the cutter - the Miter.
Something's bugging me, man.
I gotta get it off my chest.
We don't normally do this, but I wanna talk to ya all about respect.
Respect for the machines that power our lives.
Yeah.
I know this guy that found out his wife's been driving the car for three days with the oil light on.
No respect - none! My wife, she Not, not my wife This guy's wife - didn't even think about that engine.
- I hear ya, man.
You know what I'm talking about? My wife's the same way.
Really? Come on down here.
Get this guy down here.
Come on! Nice to meet ya.
- Love your show.
- Thanks.
- What's your name? - Jim.
My friends call me Jimbo.
I'm I'm Tim.
You can call me Timbo.
- So, what's on your mind, Jimbo? - Well, Timbo - I work construction - Yeah - But I - Hey, wait a minute.
Hold that.
Sit down here for a minute.
Grab a stool here.
Plant it and tell me what's on your mind there, buddy.
- But I'm really into woodworking.
- Great.
I do a lot of carving and I just bought myself a serious set of chisels.
Probably like the Binford 600 series.
You used them last week, AI.
Anyway, uh The other day, I come home and there's my wife out in the garage Where she doesn't belong.
And she's she's prying the lid off a gallon can of paint with my three-inch screw chisel.
Oh, jeez.
And they wonder why we die first.
Can I say something, Tim? Shop floor's open, buddy.
- Pardon me.
- Oh, heck, we hooked a big one.
Excuse me.
- Hey! - Name's Kyle.
Hi, Kyle.
Timbo Jimbo.
- Jimbo.
- Hey, Kyle.
Hey, sit down.
What's on your mind? Well, Tim, I enjoy gardening.
I like to grow my own vegetables.
Well Can't be all vegetables, man.
Looks like you socked a couple dozen doughnuts away or something.
You know it, Tim.
Love my doughnuts.
Anyway, my wife uses my good gardening tools and she leaves them in the yard.
Tim, every tool I own has suffered some degree of rust damage.
If your wife was here right now, what would you say to her? I don't know I'd probably say Ginger when you don't respect my tools, you don't respect me.
So, stop it! I wish I could say something like that to my wife.
She's got 100 bottles in the shower.
Yeah, conditioners and shampoos and rinses.
- What does she need all that stuff for? - Yeah! - That's nothing, my wife - Ginger.
My wife has these two and three-quarter inch press-on-nails.
While I'm at home watching Circus of the Stars, I hear this tapping.
I look over at the wife.
She's tapping with her fingernail on the front of her teeth.
Drives me nuts! You think that's bad, my wife does a thing in the shower Wait a minute, I can top you both.
My wife drools in her sleep.
Disgusting! I'm not talking about a little puddle, I'm talking about, hook up the hose - let's water the lawn.
"Man the lifeboats, she's drooling!" Get in! She's drooling, drooling Drooling down the river.
Drooling, drooling drooling down the river - Tim.
- What is it, Al? Come on, join in.
Drooling We only have a few minutes left, Tim.
AI, we're having an important discussion here.
About drool, Tim? Wouldn't expect you to understand.
You're not married.
Enough about your love life, AI.
Let's get some work.
You guys wanna help me out? - Great! Sure.
- All right! - We're gonna watch Dad's show.
- OK.
When I hear this tapping Hey, Mom, who's that guy? I don't know.
Do you have the right channel? Here, give me the thing.
- Yeah, there's Dad.
- Oh Well, what is he up to now? Wait, wait, wait, I've got you both beat.
My wife drools in her sleep.
Uh, boys, I think you should go upstairs and play.
- We wanna watch Dad's show.
- I said out! - Tim? - Uh! I know what you're gonna say.
I've already decided I'm not gonna say another word about the oil light.
You made a mistake, anybody can make a mistake and I forgive you.
"She's drooling, she's drooling, she's drooling down the river" You saw the show, huh? Tim, how could you do that? You and I joke about it all the time.
We laugh about No, you and I joke about it all the time in the privacy of our bedroom, not on television.
What, you have rocks in your head? Don't you think? Let's talk about who doesn't think for a minute.
Who drove around for two days with the oil light on? Wait, I thought you said you weren't going to bring up the oil light? With those rocks in my head, sometimes I don't know what I'm saying.
Look, my mistake involved a car.
Your mistake involved a human being.
Me! There's a big difference here.
Of course I don't expect you to understand that, since you're completely insensitive.
Insensitive? You didn't even think about how I would feel.
Why I didn't tell them everything.
Everything? You know when you roll on your side, you gurgle.
What, are you saving that for the Christmas special? No.
- Mommy, I'm worried.
- About what, honey? If you drool and sleep on your back, won't you drown? No, honey.
Thank you for your concern.
Eat a carrot.
Randy! It's all over school about what Jason Loomis said about your girl hands.
- Oh, no.
- But I stood up for you.
Good for you, Brad.
And I got you a little something to make you feel better.
What is it? Passion Pink fingernail polish.
- You meanie! - Brad Taylor! Hi.
What are you doing? I was thinking about what you said in the garage about that drool thing - and you were right.
I overstepped my bounds and I was really insensitive.
You notice I paused there In case you want to say "I forgive you, Tim," it would fit right here.
Or not.
Come on, Jill, are you ever gonna talk to me again? I just want to know one thing.
What does my drooling have to do with home improvement? Well, no one likes to live in a damp house.
Wrong answer.
What does my drooling have to do with home improvement? Nothing.
So you just got up and said, "Oh, what a beautiful morning, I think I'll humiliate my wife today.
" I was just telling stories on the show with these guys and I brought up the oil light and we seize the motor Wait a minute, wait a minute You told them about the oil light? Uh-oh.
- Why did you do that? - I don't know.
Why did you go on TV and humiliate me? I don't know.
I've got a good idea.
Why don't you just change the name of your show from Tool Time to My Stupid Wife! - Hi, Wilson.
- Hi-ho, Tim.
Another glorious autumn afternoon.
Boy, it sure is.
- You're burning leaves.
- Occasionally I like to throw a handful on the old BBQ and just sniff.
Try to remember the old days.
I got a little problem.
Can I ask you a question, Wilson? Ball is in your court, Tim.
Wail away.
I said something real stupid.
I embarrassed Jill on my TV show.
Hmm, why did you do that, Tim? I don't know.
I was talking with the other guys and we were sharing silly stories about our wives, and I had a great one about Jill and it just came out.
Tim, it sounds to me like you're a victim of the hierarchical structure of male conversation.
Hi har harical How do you spell that? Let's just say one-upmanship.
See, Tim, men's relationships are based on status and power.
Men feel compelled to out-do each other.
If one man tells a story about his wife, the next man feels he's got to tell an even better story.
That was exactly what happened.
I got caught up in that h-hi-hiarchal thing.
Happens all the time, Tim.
I don't want it to happen.
How do you make it stop? Well, Tim, men have to learn to compete less and listen more.
We have to learn to start sharing our feelings.
Hey, yeah! Thank you all! Thank you.
A lot of people have said to me, "I saw the show the other day with all the guy talk.
What was that all about?" Mostly it was about getting in trouble with our wives.
No kiddin'.
Ginger's living with her mother.
On today's show, we're gonna see if we can straighten things out.
- AI, I got a seat for ya.
- No, thank you, Tim.
Well, Tool Time is more than just home improvement, it's male improvement.
An improved male is more sensitive to his wife.
How do we get sensitive? By digging deep down in our emotions and sharing our feelings with others.
You guys up to it? I thought we were gonna get to use the tools.
Not today, Jimbo.
What are you feeling? Well, I guess I'm feeling confused.
I was looking forward to using the tools.
Any other feelings? I'm feeling hungry.
Hey! Good? That gives us a good feeling there, Kyle.
How about you, what are you feeling? I was feeling fine until Jimbo here said he was feeling hungry.
Now I'm feeling hungry.
And that makes me mad.
Why is that? Because I want a big ol' piece of pork, and my doctor said it's too fatty! What the hell did I have that bypass for anyway?! - Hey! Seattle down, man.
- I want some pork, damn it! All right, all right, all right! Let's steer clear of the meat products for a minute.
Let's talk about real emotion.
Crying.
When was the last time you cried? Jim? You mean cried-cried or cried because something heavy fell on you? - Once I dropped this spinet piano on my - No, no, no, no.
I need an emotional experience.
A deep one that we can share with all of us.
Well now that I think of it, there was one time when I almost cried.
Let it go, man.
It was 1968 - The Tigers won the World Series.
- Oh, man! It was like six home runs.
Whoa, talk about emotions.
Talk about emotions.
'84 they took the Padres, remember that? No comparison! I'm talking '68, when baseball was baseball.
- You got that right, man.
- Yeah.
Tiger Stadium used to serve up a great pork sausage.
Yes, I know.
I tell you, now you go out there for $1.
85 what do you get? - I know what you're talkin'.
- A hot dog.
Two bites and it's gone, huh? I mean, you gotta burp to find out what it tastes like.
Yeah! Oh! Oh, good night, nurse, I'm spent.
Oh! Uh, Tim? You wanna get back to work.
No, Tim, I was thinking about what you said the other day, about how I wouldn't understand what you were talking about until I was married.
- So? - Made me feel like I was desperate, like I would never be able to find someone who'd marry me.
I didn't that's not That's not what I meant.
Well, I just wanted you to know that it really hurt me.
Hey, hey, hey! AI just shared a feeling.
Yeah, that's-that's all Why don't we get to that Circuit Saw now? I mean, well, you have a wife and a family.
You have no idea what it's like coming home to an empty one-bedroom apartment every night.
AI, you've got a great-looking apartment.
I've been there, it's nice.
Well, I just think you wouldn't kid me so much if you knew, well, just how very, very lonely I am.
- I'm going back to my seat.
- No kidding.
AI, hey, buddy It's male improvement.
And the improved male is sensitive to his wife's needs.
And how do we get sensitive? By reaching down deep, getting in touch with our emotions and sharing our feelings with others.
Yeah! - Yeah, you did it, Dad! - You got the car running.
Excellent! Yeah! - Hoo! - Yeah! Master mechanic triumphs.
Dad did an awesome job, didn't he, Mom? Yeah yeah he really did.
Boys, why don't you go wash up before dinner.
OK.
So you, uh, put a lot of work into that car? Not really.
Just had to remove the damaged short block.
Pull all the damaged parts out.
Got a new short block.
Had it milled and bored for me.
New piston rings, connecting rods, main bearings, oil pump, fuel pump, water pump, upper motor, polish and port the heads, A new canooter valve, rewired it, add more Add a little more power, but that's about it, hon I didn't realize that that little oil light could be such a big problem.
It's just a car, honey.
It's not a human being.
It's not like the human being I love more than anything else in the world.
You know why I like tools? Because they fix things.
Tear down a motor, see the problem, it's right there - boom, it's fixed.
I wish I could fix things between us that easily.
Is that an apology? I don't think I can apologize enough for the things I do.
All I can offer is a lifetime of groveling at your feet.
That'd be a start.
I promise in the future, I will always put oil in the car.
And I'll say nice things about your hair.
- While groveling? - You bet.
I'm I'm prepared to offer cash gifts.
- Al.
- Tim.
So? So.
Hey, that's a nice-looking shirt.
Is it brand-new? No, it's an old one.
Well, it looks really good on you.
Thanks.
Hey, maybe some girl will see you in that shirt and want to marry you.
Thanks, Tim, I appreciate that.