King of the Hill s01e07 Episode Script

[Theme music.]
[Boggle cubes rattling.]
PEGGY: How was beauty school, Luanne? How did the big shampooing final go? Well, I passed Lather, but I failed Rinse.
And then I failed Repeat, too, because it includes Rinse which I don't think is very fair.
HANK: [Muttering.]
Damn.
Hank, you forgot to flush.
Didn't have to.
Didn't do anything.
Oh.
I see.
How long has this been going on? There's nothing going on, Peg.
- That's the problem.
- How long have you had this problem? HANK: There is no problem! Please! This is not something we need to talk about.
If you do have a problem, I could Peggy, please! For God's sakes! I'm getting a bite.
Is there any chicken-fried steak left? - Here.
- What's this? It's Megamucil.
I take 10 heaping teaspoons and a glass of water daily to stay regular I don't want to know that! Come on, honey.
Look, it is gentle and all-natural.
No! Stop! Please! This is my own private, personal, private business.
At least drink the water.
If you drink enough water it'll flush out your system and keep it clean.
I'm telling you, it's good for you.
Hey, eggs and sausage.
That looks good.
Peggy, where's my breakfast? - What are these? - I baked muffins.
So? Good for you.
Where's my sausage? Well, we're out of sausage.
Hey, try a muffin.
They are oat bran.
Sure.
You should eat those, Dad.
They help you make.
Excuse me? What are you implying? I thought you were consti Where would you get such an idea? That's ridiculous! Anyway, that's not something you should ever know about your father.
It's pretty obvious.
You were in the bathroom for an hour last night.
No, I wasn't! Okay, Dad.
Give me that.
[Dog whimpering.]
What is it, Ladybird? You want to go out? Again? [Sighs.]
Show off.
Nancy, I'm worried about Hank.
He hasn't "done his business" in four days.
Good Lord! Poor Hank.
He looks so healthy.
But then, you know, so did Elvis Presley.
Nancy, you don't think it's something serious? Well, I'm a meteorologist, not a doctor.
But if I had to make an educated guess I'd say he's got polio.
All right, I'm not a meteorologist.
I'm a weather girl.
So, Hank, what's this I hear about you being backed up? Nothing! What? Who are you thinking about talking to? It's not me.
I'm fine! Well, that's not what I heard.
- Heard from who? - Dale.
- How does Dale know? - Nancy.
Nancy knows, too? That Peggy.
Why not just take the door off the bathroom and put it out on the lawn? Hank, it happens to everyone now and then.
There's no reason to be embarrassed.
Maybe I'm not the one who should be embarrassed.
Did you ever think of that? Maybe you're going a little too much.
Once every four or five days gives me more free time.
You want to spend all your time on the toilet, be my guest.
DALE: Have you tried squatting? It takes pressure off the lower body.
BILL: You know, Hank, I find a ride on the lawnmower helps.
Would you please stop talking about this? [Muttering.]
I've been thinking about y'all and your dang old bottom, what's gonna get moving again.
Y'all ought to jog, swim, or water something.
They'll be having you pooping just like before.
I know it'll work.
It helped my aunt after her pregnancy.
- I don't know you, do I? - No, you don't.
Would you all please leave me be? This is no one's business but my own.
Okay, but I got one that's guaranteed to work for you, Hank.
You take a spoonful of bacon grease I'm not eating bacon grease.
You didn't let me finish.
[Sighs.]
Simple chronic constipation can be a symptom of a more serious condition.
I should know.
I'm former Surgeon General C.
Everett Koop.
Why did you have to go tell Nancy about my bathroom shortcomings? Food that is not absorbed becomes waste and enters the pouch-like cecum.
Who the hell is that? Howard Stern? The temperature is a pleasant 70 degrees.
And on a more personal note, I want to wish my friend, Hank Hill a quick recovery for his embarrassing constipation.
Peggy, why'd you do this to me? Now everybody knows.
Hank, I was worried.
So? Worry to yourself.
I'm tired of worrying to myself.
It's better to talk things out.
Not these things.
Not toilet things.
All right, Hank, all right.
If it makes you this upset I will just sit here silently, alone with my worries.
Finally! I'll have some skirt steak, some brisket a little piece of that New York steak, couple of them steak fingers, and a burger.
Hank, please, have just one veggie.
All right.
Put some macaroni and cheese on there, too.
[Lawnmower running.]
Chocolate sauce! Can I have some? No, Bobby, this isn't ordinary chocolate.
It is a laxative for your father.
Where'd you find this chocolate sauce, Peg? It sure is good.
Here, Bobby, try some.
Okay, I thought you'd never ask.
Bobby, you know what that is.
So? - What is it? - Laxative.
You're trying to drug me? Good God! That's going too far! Well, you won't talk to me about it.
Now what if it really is something serious, like polyps, or worse? You should see a doctor.
Stop making such a big deal out of it.
I just can't go to the bathroom.
[Anxious breathing.]
[Sobbing.]
PEGGY: Oh, Hank.
BILL: He looks like an angel.
A dead angel.
[Muttering.]
Oh, my ding dong dang old.
Why? It should've been Bill.
Hank.
We never got a chance to talk about your constipation.
And now we never will.
Remember, early detection is the key.
Now pass in your algebra homework.
[Somber instrumental music.]
Goodbye, boy.
See you in hell! [Flushing.]
[Screams.]
[Screams.]
HANK: Occupied! Hank, you're alive.
Close the damn door.
Can't you see I'm in here, Peg? Don't.
No, don't touch me.
I'm on the john.
Get out of here.
Hank, I was so scared.
I dreamed you died.
You didn't see a doctor.
You didn't listen to Koop.
Peggy, you're not supposed to see this.
Listen, honey, I love you.
Please, don't die on me.
I love you, too, but Jeez.
All right, I'll see a doctor, if you just get out and leave me be.
You will? Hank, that's wonderful.
Yeah, well, come on.
Get a move on.
PEGGY: Thank you.
HANK: Git! WOMAN: And what exactly are you seeing Dr.
Morley about today? [Mumbling.]
Well, I've been or actually I haven't been You're going to have to speak up.
I need to see him about a problem with WOMAN: Sir, just fill this out and have a seat.
[Trumpeting.]
Put that down.
You do not know where it's been.
Come on.
I'm trying to fill this thing out.
- Hankie? - Mrs.
Maclntosh? Hank Hill.
Is this your family? I was your father's third grade teacher.
Why are you here, Hankie? This is an old person's doctor.
He hasn't been able to take A walk.
I threw my knee out playing touch football.
WOMAN: Mr.
Hill, I'm sorry, sir.
I cannot read this.
What does it say? "Con"? "Contact"? "Convict"? "Con" what? So, how are we doing today? I'm Dr.
Morley.
Let's see.
So you're suffering from consumption? PEGGY: Constipation.
DOCTOR: Oh, constipation.
Well, that's quite a different matter.
How long has it been since your last bowel movement? Well, I usually don't keep track of that kind of thing, but Five days, and Hank's usual schedule is every two days.
Of course when we were first married, he'd go every day.
But I spoke to his mom, who said the most interesting thing.
She said, when he was a teenager he would be in that bathroom three or four times a day - Peggy! - Please, Mr.
Hill, this is helpful.
Now, your wife is obviously concerned.
And if she's concerned, I'm concerned.
I think we'll do a sigmoidoscopy.
See, honey? Aren't you glad we're here? Mr.
Hill, why don't you go ahead and take off your pants for me, okay? Why are you stopping? No sense in doing this now.
I'll just wait until the doctor comes back.
NURSE: Sir, you're gonna need to take your pants off for Dr.
Morley.
Okay.
[Sighing.]
Why, look at that, Peg.
Cotton balls.
White ones.
A whole jar of them.
How many do you think there are in there? I'll bet 30.
Yep.
Okay, Mr.
Hill, why don't you hop on the table and undo the back of your gown? We'll have a look at you.
You got all these fancy machines.
Can't you take a picture through the gown? It's normal to be a little frightened, Mr.
Hill.
Just turn your face to the wall.
[Knocking.]
- You want me to get that? - No.
Mr.
Hill? Mr.
Hill, this is Tasha.
She's a medical student.
Would it be all right with you if she observes the examination? Well, I guess.
[Elevator dings.]
[Woman hyperventilating.]
MAN: We made it, honey.
Quick.
Sixth floor, Maternity.
[Elevator dings.]
[Elevator dings.]
[Baby crying.]
Mr.
Hill, this is a special camera that we use to get an inside view of your colon.
HANK: Just kill me now.
Mr.
Hill, do you wish a bite plate? Mom, I'm hungry.
[Screaming.]
BOBBY: Dad, what are they doing to you? Bobby, get out of here! No, Mr.
Hill, when a family faces an illness, all members should be involved.
Remember, they're your get-well team.
- Hey there, ace.
Do you like video games? - Yeah! Well, this joystick is just like a video game joystick.
Only my red button fires a real laser.
Cool.
[Makes shooting sounds.]
Bobby.
Say, you're good.
Maybe you could help us out a little later.
Just kidding, Mr.
Hill.
Mr.
Hill, it doesn't hurt to smile.
It might actually help.
Tasha, you can begin.
DOCTOR: So far this looks normal.
Normal? That's good, right? Now, this is exciting.
There are so many twists and turns.
I can't wait to see what's around the next bend.
The colon has to twist and turn because it's surprisingly long.
You know, Bobby, if I were to take your grandfather's intestine I'm his father.
Your father's intestine and lay it out in a straight line it would go all the way around the earth.
Wow! Really? Well, that is amazing, Doctor.
You know, I did not know that.
Now, how could that be? The Earth is 25,000 miles around.
A piece of steak would have to shoot through your system faster than the speed of sound.
That's impossible.
Well, Mr.
Hill, there's certainly nothing going through your intestines that fast.
Hey, I like this.
Can I be a proctologist when I grow up? Hey, I like this.
Can I be a proctologist when I grow up? [Machine buzzing.]
Mr.
Hill, I'm gonna have to ask you to relax your buttocks for me, please.
[Yawning.]
- How are you holding up, Mrs.
Hill? - I'm okay.
I'm just a little uncomfortable from sitting here for so long.
[Doctor sighing.]
DOCTOR: Okay.
Let's take a five-minute break.
Well, Mr.
Hill, we're not exactly sure what's causing your problem.
So at this point, the best option might be to remove something surgically.
I'm sorry.
But apparently your low-fat, high-fiber diet is not working.
Well, maybe Hank just needs to give his low-fat high-fiber diet a little more time.
- Isn't that right, Hank? - Yes.
All right.
Just to be safe, I'll book an operating room for the end of the week.
Oh, God! DOCTOR: Don't worry.
You know, it's possible to live a long, healthy slightly less active life without a colon.
You just can't wear shorts.
"Not Dogs.
" Now what are these? Hot dogs? No.
They're Not Dogs.
They're made of tofu.
Tofu? I can't eat that crap.
Then try this Faux Fu.
It's a tofu substitute for the tofu-intolerant.
Now would that be good for a man who's constipated? - Peggy! - Well, I didn't say it was you.
Is this for your husband? Yes, and we will also take a quart of your brown rice broth.
Do you have anything that tastes good? [Sighing hesitantly.]
No.
Look at this, Uncle Hank.
"Experience moxibustion with Mr.
Li.
"Board-certified moxibustionist.
"Relieves stress and opens the energy channels.
" What the hell is that? He sticks needles in your skin and sets them on fire.
Anyone ever try that on me, I'll kick his ass.
No! Watch out behind you! No! Oh, God, Gatorade all down his back.
Hank, it's 2:00.
Bathroom time.
HANK: Peg, can't I just PEGGY: Bathroom time.
HANK: All right.
DALE: Hi there, Peggy.
We were wondering if Hank could come out and help us with my fence.
PEGGY: Oh, I'm sorry, Dale.
Hank is having his bathroom time.
Maybe later.
[Snoring.]
PEGGY: Well, thank you all for coming.
I thought it would help cheer Hank up to have all of his friends here.
I think he's making a lot of progress.
PEGGY: Where are you going, Hank? HANK: To the bathroom.
Now just try to relax, Hank.
And concentrate.
This could be it.
PEGGY: Come on! Will you hurry up? Peggy, please.
Come on, Hank.
[Sighs.]
[Muzak playing.]
[Sighs.]
No, see, what I'm saying is, salad don't always have to have salad in it.
See, there's potato salad and I'm sorry, Peg, I let you down.
- I let you all down.
- Don't you worry, Hank.
We still have 24 hours before your appointment.
We're gonna make the most of it.
[Sentimental instrumental music.]
You know, Hank seems a little down.
Well, he's a shell of a man.
I never thought he'd have the willpower to give up everything he enjoyed.
That's not Hank.
That's me.
If it was up to him, he'd be eating burgers in the backyard with Dale, Bill, and Boomhauer.
He'd still be drinking beer and shouting at the TV set and having a lot of fun and Wait here.
- So? - So what? Well, I heard a I mean, I wasn't listening, but I did hear Oh, that was my glasses.
Look, honey, we gotta talk.
I know you want to help, but this is getting out of control.
You can't treat a grown man like a baby.
It ain't right.
I feel like I've been trying to be someone else lately.
Eating food I don't eat.
And I'm just not gonna do it anymore.
And if I don't ever poop again, well, that's just gonna be who I am.
I'd rather die with a burger in my colon than live and eat Faux Fu.
Hank, I know.
And it's okay.
You're right.
What? PEGGY: I'm doing this because I want you to be around as long as possible, because I love you.
But I have to let you be you.
HANK: Oh, Peggy I'll still be here for a good long while.
PEGGY: I worry.
HANK: I know you do.
PEGGY: That you could I know, honey.
And I'm a lucky son of a gun, I'll tell you what to have a woman like you care so much about me.
I'm gonna be more open tell you how I'm doing more and let you in.
I just want this moment to last forever, Hank.
Me, too! - But it can't.
- Hold me, Hank.
No! Let go! [Flushing.]
Yes! [Jubilant choir singing.]
You might have noticed in tonight's episode there was some brief nudity.
Now, as an actor, I only do nudity when I feel the script warrants it.
And I thought tonight's episode only warranted seeing the side of my rump.
You can believe me when I tell you the Fox executives were pushing for a whole lot more.
If any of you were offended by my body, I'm truly sorry.
Good night.