Mike & Molly s01e07 Episode Script

Mike, I really have to get home.
You sure you can't stay a little longer? I've been here for two days.
I don't have clean clothes to wear.
Well, I don't know how they got dirty, we hardly used them.
Well, I also have a big stack of book reports to read for tomorrow.
They're fourth graders.
Just give them all Bs.
They'll be thrilled.
Except for maybe the Asian kids.
I let them slide through the system, turn to crime, you arrest them.
For you, it's win-win.
Golly, I wish I was one of your students.
I'd sit right up front and look in those beautiful green eyes all day long.
You look really pretty today, Miss Flynn.
Why, Michael Biggs, I believe you're a kiss-ass.
Well, that's definitely where I'd start.
All right.
Ha, ha.
One of us has gotta be strong and it's clearly not you.
- So I'm going home.
- All right, let me grab my keys.
Thank you for a lovely weekend.
It was nice.
Strolling hand in hand through Lincoln Park and buying kettle corn at the farmers' market.
Good luck getting that out of your sheets.
Well, a lot of it was already there.
My favorite part of this weekend was, uh, waking up in the morning, seeing you laying next to me.
All cuddled up in a cute little ball, snuggling under my arm one of your tiny feet popping out under the covers.
I mean, the other stuff was great but that's the memory that I'll be keeping right here.
You son of a bitch.
One more time and then you are driving me home.
Yes, Miss Flynn, whatever you say.
- I'll call you tomorrow.
- Don't wanna talk tonight? - Ha, ha, Mike.
- Good night.
First thing in the morning.
- Bye.
- Bye.
For God's sake, quit dancing.
My neighbors don't need to know you scored.
Okay.
You heard her, neighbors.
I scored.
- What? - You dirty, little whore.
Details.
Must have details.
And skip the foreplay.
I don't wanna know how the sausage was made I just wanna know how it was served.
Well, he's a great guy and we had a very nice time.
You finally free Willy and all we get is "great guy, nice time"? Come on, Mol, spill it.
I always tell you every dirty detail.
But against my will.
There's a big difference.
Come on, Tater Tot.
Just a couple of highlights for Mom and sis.
No.
I don't feel comfortable talking about that kind of stuff.
What is the point in getting laid if you can't talk about it with your family? - Yeah, we're not asking for blow-by-blow.
- Mm-mm.
Just a little girl talk.
Well, like what? Well, for instance, was he tender with you? Yes, he was.
Very, very tender.
Not so tender as to be fruity, right? No.
It was pretty amazing.
He was kind of nervous, but, uh, very sweet and attentive.
Attentive, huh? So you're saying he licked the stamp before he mailed the letter.
What? No, I'm just saying he was very loving and very giving.
Oh, Lord, he didn't camp down there, did he? Because after a while, that's like trying to light a wet book of matches.
I keep a little spray bottle on my nightstand.
- What a great idea.
- Mm-hm.
- Like trying to get a cat off the couch.
- Mm-hm.
Well, this was fun.
Carlton, you gonna answer the door? I just got out of the shower.
Just got out? Been in there for 25 minutes.
That boy ever gets a girlfriend, my water bill will be cut in half.
- Nana.
- Hey, Michael.
What brings you here on a Sunday evening? Oh, nothing.
I wanted to come by and say hi.
Well, come on in, baby.
- Carlton, you got company.
Who is it? Get your narrow ass down here and find out.
He sat behind the Broussard twins at church today and he's been in the shower ever since.
- Can I get you something to eat? - No, thanks.
I'm not hungry.
Yeah, and I'm not old, black and Christian.
How about a piece of pie? No, I'm fine.
In fact, I'm perfectly content.
Oh, my, it sounds like somebody was baptized in the river of good, good loving.
Well, Molly and I are getting kind of serious.
We spent the entire weekend together.
Oh, and you still floating on that cloud of passion, ain't you? Are you kidding? I almost moonwalked into some trash cans.
This is a magical time in a relationship.
You know, I believe it's God's way of giving us a little peek at heaven.
- You think so? If he didn't want us to copulate every now and then he wouldn't have picked a Peter to guard the pearly gates.
I just wanna run through the streets screaming her name and hugging homeless people.
Michael, you need to let her know that.
Because that little girl is feeling vulnerable right now.
- Really? - Of course she is.
She's just given you her most precious gift.
She needs to know that you appreciate that.
Oh, I do.
She almost had to turn the hose on me to get me off her porch.
Hey, what's going on? Michael just had a lovely weekend with his lady friend.
All right.
You and Molly finally did the nasty? "Did the nasty.
" Listen to you.
That's why the last woman you brought into this house came with an air pump and a patch kit.
Grandma, that was a gag gift from the guys at work.
Wasn't no gag when I heard it pop at 3:00 in the morning.
Thought it was a drive-by.
Now, Michael, don't allow too much time to pass before you let her know how much she means to you.
Maybe I could get her a nice gift.
I could sign her up for Fruit of the Month club.
Well, say it with cantaloupes and plums if you have to.
The important thing is to reach out and let her know she's in your heart.
That's good.
I'll do that.
I completely disagree.
What you need to do is pull back.
Keep the woman guessing.
Be smooth and aloof.
Hush up, Goofy Grape.
This is real people talking about real things.
This is my best friend and I may have some advice he could actually benefit from.
- Fine.
I'll let you two talk man-to-man.
- Thank you, Grandma.
But, Michael, if you take one word of advice that comes out of his jellybean head you and I got a problem.
Goes without saying, Nana.
Ha, ha.
Goofy Grape.
Morning.
Hey, is your sister up yet? She's gonna be late for work.
Oh, no, she's awake.
I heard her singing in the shower.
I'm so happy for her.
Nothing cures the crankies like a trip to the boneyard.
If I go for more than one week without it, I'm a total bitch.
Which explains your sunny disposition.
God, I remember when your daddy was in Vietnam.
I'd get so horny, I'd fill the dryer with tennis shoes and sit on it.
Damn, that war tore this country apart.
Morning.
- Morning.
- Morning, sweetheart.
You want some breakfast? - No, I gotta get to school.
Oh.
You meeting your lover after work? No, and please don't refer to Mike as my lover.
How about your boink buddy? How about "Mike"? You know, I used to call your father my pud-bud.
I know, Mom.
The walls were thin.
Hey, Mike.
I'm fine.
It was very nice.
I enjoyed myself too.
Look, I, uh, gotta get to work, can I call you later? Okay.
I will.
Bye-bye.
Wow.
You didn't give the guy much, did you, princess? What are you talking about? You were kind of cold, Molly.
What do you want from me? I'm trying to take it slow.
Otherwise, I'll do what I always do.
I'll end up sending him mushy poems and buying him stupid gifts.
"Hey, little pussycat.
I think you're purr-fect.
" I like the sentiment, but I don't think it quite captures all that's in my heart.
You know, how happy I am.
How lucky I feel to have such a smart, funny and beautiful woman in my life.
- How about a stuffed dog? - Bull's-eye.
Do you know how much longer this class is going on? Are you here to arrest Miss Flynn? Ha, ha.
No, not at all.
Crap.
Well, actually, if you must know, I'm her boyfriend.
Really? Well, we haven't exactly used those words, boyfriend and girlfriend but this weekend was special for us so I'm just assuming that's our current status.
It's your life, man.
- What's the matter? Don't like Miss Flynn? - She's mean.
That's not the Miss Flynn I know.
I find her to be a very loving and patient woman.
So why am I sitting in the hallway? Mike? What are you doing here? I just wanted to come by and say hi.
Hi.
- Hi.
- And this is for you.
Oh.
That's really sweet, but I can't talk right now.
I got a classroom full of kids trying to figure out moby Dick.
It's not any funnier now than it was 20 minutes ago.
Uh, I'm sorry for the surprise attack.
I guess I foolishly thought it would be charming.
Not without its charm, but this isn't a good time.
I understand.
I just wanna let you know that I was thinking about you.
Thanks, but I can't take this in there now.
They see me as human, they'll rip me apart with their dirty little fingers.
No, I understand.
I got quite a few snickers myself and I'm carrying a gun.
Just forget I was here, and go about your business, and I'll get out of your hair.
Mike, you're not in my hair.
It's just I probably should go back in there.
I'll call you later.
Come on, guys.
Settle down.
I don't think she gets it.
Moby Dick? Yeah, it's a thinker.
Oh, man, what possessed you? I know, Carl.
I'm an idiot.
You can't be giving a lady cheap-ass carnival prizes.
She made love to you.
She didn't knock down milk bottles with a baseball.
In my defense, it looked a lot sexier in the store.
Because you were on a nooky high.
Never buy gifts or pick out a swimsuit when you're flying on a nooky high.
Is that the orange Speedo? Yeah, I ain't got the marbles to pull that off.
Well, I believe it is a mistake to reward a woman for giving you sex.
It sets a bad precedent.
You must look at yourself as the gift.
Damn right.
We got it all wrong in this country.
Women should be buying us stuff.
Telling us how pretty we are.
And we are pretty.
The point is you shouldn't be buying a lady trinkets every time she throws you one.
Look, I may have been a little overzealous in expressing my appreciation to Molly but I think I still have a pretty good handle on what it is a woman wants.
Because of the three of us, I'm the only one a woman wants.
Enjoy your day.
You forgot your stuffed dog.
This does not make what I just said any less powerful or any less true.
Hi, my name is Molly and I'm an overeater.
Hi, Molly.
I, uh, had a pretty good week.
I actually lost 3 pounds.
And ha, ha.
Apparently, having a man in your life provides certain aerobic benefits.
Uh, seriously, though, I'm very happy.
So happy I'm scared to death.
Truth is I don't wanna be here right now.
I wanna be with him.
In fact, I wanna be with him all the time.
But that's how I deal with everything that I like.
I overdo it.
It's like when I eat cake, you know, I can't have a piece I gotta eat the whole thing then lick the frosting off the beater.
And with a man, I gotta Well Never mind.
It's a But you get what I'm talking about.
I mean, otherwise, this would be called the Moderation Club.
But I'm gonna be strong and I'm not gonna let myself get carried away like I always do.
I'm just gonna have a little piece every once in a while and hopefully this cake will be around a really long time.
Thank you for listening and I'm sorry I got us all thinking about cake.
I'm sorry.
How you liking your old mom's famous tuna noodle casserole? It's good, Mom.
It was better yesterday, but you never showed up so the potato chips lost a certain amount of snap.
No, it's fine.
I guess some things keep and some things don't.
Delicious one day and the next morning, it's just dry, milky tuna stuck to a crusty pan.
So how's your little girlfriend? - Good.
- How come you're not with her tonight? - Because I'm here with you.
- Well, ain't I the lucky one? So taking separate vacations already, huh? No, we just agreed to an evening to ourselves.
I see.
I just pray it's not a repeat of that girl from a couple of years ago.
What was her name? The Indian with the long toes.
- Ramona.
- Whatever.
Those feet were freakish.
She could talk to deaf people with those things.
She was a nice girl and we wanted different stuff.
Yeah, you wanted her and she wanted new boobs and a fancy car to carry them around in.
Is there more cream of mushroom? Then there was the peroxide blond with the weird teeth.
- They're called braces, Mom.
- What kind of grown woman wears braces? I'll tell you what kind.
The crazy kind.
Crooked teeth are dealt with when young.
Otherwise, just let them go where they wanna go.
Mom, do we always have to review the game tape? Hey, I'm just watching your back.
Which gets a little wider every time one of these gals breaks your heart.
You know what? I'm gonna head home.
- What? - Thanks for dinner and the pleasant conversation.
Wait, you can't leave.
I made your favorite dessert.
Banana pudding with Nilla Wafers.
I'm actually full, Ma.
In fact, I think I've swallowed about as much as I can take.
Listen, Mikey, I'm just trying to protect you.
You hook up with these women and they end up breaking your heart.
- You don't know what you're talking about.
- Hey, just being honest.
And I appreciate that.
But I really like Molly and you're just gonna have to get used to that.
Just like I got used to dinners where you bust my balls and I try to choke down the worst tuna noodle casserole in the history of food.
Sorry, just being honest.
Let me tell you something, Jim.
You don't get a body like that by having a mom who's a bad cook.
Hey.
- Um.
- Molly, what are you doing here? I wanted to talk to you.
I'm sorry I came by your school today.
It was stupid.
It will never happen again.
Don't say that.
It was the sweetest thing a guy's ever done for me.
- Really? - Yeah.
I wanted to make out in the hall.
That would've been so great.
Because I know that kid didn't really believe that you were my girlfriend.
So I'm your girlfriend now? Well, that's what I told the lady who sold me this stupid dog.
He's not stupid.
He's cute.
Well, for my sake, I hope stupid and cute can coexist.
I'm sorry I've been pulling away from you.
I just got scared.
Well, if it makes you feel any better, I'm scared too.
- Really? - Oh, yeah.
Any time I bust a move on a residential street, it's usually just nervous energy.
So I'm not imagining it.
This is happening really fast, right? Yeah, but a good fast.
Like the drive-through at Arby's after midnight.
Okay.
Ha, ha.
But we still have to keep each other in check.
Pace ourselves.
Exactly.
Let the relationship progress at a nice, relaxed speed.
Good.
Sounds like a plan.
Oh, look, he's giving out prizes now.
What'd you have to do for that? Love to chat, ladies, but I've got one hour to get showered and ready for work.
You want some breakfast or did you have a Pop Tart at your lover's place? Don't call him my lover! Boy, I thought when she started getting a little time on the bouncy castle she'd lighten up a bit.
- Yeah, I don't get it.
- Mm.
Your sister's a complicated woman.
Sometimes I think she's too smart for her own good.
How can you be too smart for your own good? It's nothing you need to worry about, baby.