Roseanne s01e07 Episode Script

what's with the laundry stuff all over? i gotta find my blue skirt for the picture.
- what picture? - dad's getting a photographer to take some stupid family portrait.
he's doing what? if i order the 32-piece package, you'll throw in the wallet size? - dan! - one sec, babe.
yeah, i understand the offer expires this weekend.
what are you doing? what are you doing? i think i better talk to my wife first.
right, bye.
honey, guess what i just did.
it doesn't have anything to do with a once-in-a-lifetime money-saving offer, does it? no.
what would you say to a full-color commemorative family portrait? of whose family? ours.
- what do we need that for? - 'cause this came today.
we got our 15-year high school reunion coming up.
oh, spare me.
what happened to your school spirit? i lost it on prom night along with everything else.
ah, great, cream-style! no, check this out.
the reunion committee is updating the yearbook and they want us to send in a family portrait.
why, to see if we've improved with age? roseanne, people will be looking at this yearbook for years to come.
i think we should send in the best picture we possibly can.
we should send 'em in that one of us in yellowstone park.
rosie, we're mooning old faithful in that one.
i know, but it fits in with the theme here, "looking back on 15 years.
" whose lame-brain idea is this anyways? oh, my god, it's phyllis zimmer.
that pointy-head little phony.
wasn't she the one that was always in charge of everything in high school? "come on, everybody.
grab some crepe paper.
we're gonna go in the gym and decorate, and then we'll make punch.
" i like it.
do it again, only jump up and down.
shake your pom-poms.
get away from me.
you know why she wants us to send in a picture? to make sure her life turned out the best.
mom, d.
j.
's bothering me.
i'm a cowboy.
no, you're not any kind of a cowboy.
mom, i can't do my homework.
you can't do your homework 'cause the tv's on.
gimme that rope, partner.
i need that for your daddy.
- can i tie you up? - yeah.
i don't mean to push, but i gotta call flash photo and let 'em know what the deal is.
your tail's really wagging over this picture, isn't it? picture? what picture? are we getting our picture taken? we're thinking about it.
you guys aren't gonna do what you did in yellowstone, are you? we're thinking about it.
gimme one of these.
- where is your lunch? - i ate it.
just one.
hey, roseanne i hear dan kept you up half the night last night.
ooh! it's not as good as it sounds, porno-head.
he was up all night looking for a belt that matches his tie and his shirt.
he's gonna wear himself out over this picture.
yeah, and i have to give up a whole saturday to impress some people i didn't even like back then.
i sure cared what my schoolmates thought.
we know, crystal.
they voted me second runner-up for junior sweetheart queen.
i would've won, except for tristi vane.
she got her hair done which was against the rules.
wOMAN: i know the type.
perfect hair, perfect teeth.
matching sweater and headband.
i think that's a smart look.
well, that's why you came in second, crystal.
- i always hated those frilly-dilly types.
- uh-huh.
we had a girl like that in our school, huh, sis? i don't even like remembering it.
her locker was next to mine this one day, and i didn't know my rifle was loaded.
it blew her right in half.
she didn't know.
it took me almost all of fifth period to get over it.
there's no paper towels.
you know, this is the third time this week.
how come there's always paper towels in the men's room? they never dry their hands.
yeah, 'cause they never wash their hands.
i don't know why management can't give us the supplies we need.
oh.
this has got nothing to do with paper towels.
this is just a sneaky old ploy by management to get us all worked up in a huff about small stuff so we never think about things that are really important like benefits and pay raises and uh, fresher vending items.
those slimeballs are trying to break us.
yeah, i get so sick of how you guys get so worked up over every little thing.
mAN: hi, roseanne.
what'd i tell you about going in there? she likes it in there.
she wants to be a man.
that makes two of us, huh, pete? hey, ladies, not only do they have all the paper towels, but they got great, big old drinking fountains in there too.
you know what the problem with you women is.
you use too damn many paper products.
oh, shut up or i'll wipe my hands on your bald head.
bOOKER: i'll tell you what, i'll make sure that you ladies get some paper towels.
hooker, we want 'em now, or we don't go back to work.
strike! strike! pete, get some towels.
hey, dad.
look, you know what'd be cool? we can put this in the picture.
no, that'd be too much, honey.
come on, dad.
it'd be so cool.
look, we could put it right here.
yeah, it does add a certain something.
i hate my hair, i hate my clothes, i hate my face.
well, that makes two of us.
honey, i already told you.
you look fine.
i can't get my hair right.
shave it and shut up.
i hate this sweater.
hey, dad, you know what would be cool? we could all wear our sunglasses and hang out the back of the truck.
ix-nay on the shades, princess.
let's just try and look like a normal family.
well, why can't we be ourselves? how do i look, dad? top drawer, amigo! daddy's little man.
what about this? fine, perfect.
okay, come on.
d.
j.
, you stand here.
becky, you're here.
darlene, you're over here.
darlene, hurry up.
ha-ha-ha-ha! hyah! okay, you're over here.
mom's here.
okay, i'm here.
darlene, you're blocking the trophy.
this ain't too shabby.
we look pretty good.
rosie, come here and check this out.
- kIDS: whoa! - bECKY: look at mom.
ooh, la-la, look at you.
stunning, ain't it? i brushed my teeth.
what happened to you? this is the real me.
that's my favorite dress.
well, you can wear it tonight when we're alone.
help me with this necklace, honey.
all right.
rOSEANNE: don't choke me now.
- hi.
- rOSEANNE: hi.
am i in the wrong house? you bet.
you want the one right down the street.
you guys look great! - what are you doing here? - laundry.
it's saturday.
besides, i gotta make sure this hack photographer you hired doesn't screw the picture up.
oh, aunt jackie, i have to show you something.
hey.
you look pretty handsome there, sport.
i know.
you know, this is the first time we've had a real photographer take our picture since our wedding day.
yeah, black sunday.
who are you kiddin'? you loved it.
you practically ran down the aisle.
yeah, but i was just drunk and i meant to go the other way.
jACKIE: come here, come here.
- look at your dad.
- what you got here? - your senior yearbook.
- your football picture.
old '67.
ha! hey, wait a minute, what's wrong with your nose? he always flared his nostrils out like that 'cause he thought it made him look mean.
no, it's 'cause of the way the other guy smelled.
oh, here's you, mom.
you look so queer.
i can't believe you wore a flip.
that's when i was going through my marlo thomas' "that girl" phase.
i was gonna go to new york and become a writer/spokesmodel.
you gave it all up for a guy with flared nostrils and stinky friends.
i think you look pretty.
well, i think you look purdy too.
dad, when did you fall in love with mom? as soon as she told me to, honey.
you couldn't pry them apart.
it was disgusting.
well, what about you, mom? were you always in love with dad? he was all man and all mine- ooh, baby, baby.
it was shameless the way your mother chased me.
every day she'd be there at my locker, panting and clawing.
yeah, back in the good old days when i still had a waistline and some estrogen.
i can't believe how young we are here.
we're all like five years older than becky.
don't give her any ideas.
it wasn't all a picnic.
what about that week you broke up with me? - i didn't break up with you.
- yeah, you did.
that week of senior year.
- you broke up with me.
- i did not.
i was just trying to keep you on your toes and shake you up a bit.
we were at arnie patterson's garage dance, and we had that big fight, and you said you were gonna see other people.
he's right, i remember, 'cause you had just read that article about how to drive your boyfriend wild by making him jealous.
well, don't tell him about it.
that's why you don't have a man, 'cause you don't know what to leave out.
oh, so you leave out the part where you come crawling back on your hands and knees.
you really need to start bleaching your moustache, it's coming in a lot darker.
oh, that's the photographer.
i'll get it.
i'll get the door! oh, look lee eggblad.
oh, eggie, that psychopath.
- wonder what he's doing now.
- probably 20 to life.
there she is, your personal favorite.
phyllis "gag me" zimmer.
what a waste of boobs.
i can't believe dan ever took her out.
he never took her out.
- what? - when did he take her out? that week you guys broke up.
no way.
he never told you that? no.
well- it wasn't important.
that's a very pretty dress you have on.
bob, um, we thought that this spot here would be good for the photo.
oh, yes.
this is nice.
now how many people will be participating in the photo? - three children and two adults.
- splendid.
where's becky? oh, she went upstairs to change again.
well, go get her.
we're getting ready to start here.
do you have to go to the bathroom? - no.
- are you sure? rosie, this is bob keeler from flash photo.
- hi, bob.
- hello.
you have a lovely home.
thank you.
well, it keeps me off the streets.
you know, we thought that this would be a good spot for the picture.
hmm.
i don't know.
do you think phyllis will like it? why should we care what she thinks? because 15 years ago, we dated her behind our back.
what are you talking about? what? well, uh, we ready here to start, hmm? no.
you went out with her and you didn't even tell me about it.
rosie, bob here is on a very tight schedule.
can this possibly wait? another 15 years? should i leave? no, bob, you're a man.
let me ask you a question.
do you think it's a lousy, low-down sleazebag thing to do to lie to your own wife for 15 years? how many years? as long as we're giving somebody the third degree, - let's start with your sister.
- you leave her out of this.
why does she butt her nose into our business? hey, it's your fault, not hers.
- jackie.
- yeah? you're the one who went out with phyllis, not her.
- thanks, big mouth.
- what? you had to blab about phyllis.
sorry, dan, i thought you would have told her by now.
there was nothing to tell.
it was one measly date.
if it was so measly, how come you didn't tell me - when we first got back together? - jackie said not to.
so you're the one that's responsible for keeping me in the dark.
you guys were already back together.
what's the point in bringing it up? yeah, honey, it was no big deal.
i was trying to protect you.
if it was no big deal, what were you trying to protect me from? roseanne, it was a long time ago.
i gotta get out of here.
i got some better things to do.
come on, rosie, we got a picture to take.
hey, i just want to know why you went out with her - in the first place.
- roseanne, you dumped me.
what was i supposed to do? go to your grave wanting me back.
i did want you back.
yeah, well, you got a funny way of showing it.
- what'd you do on this date? - nothing.
get more specific than that.
she hopped on my motorcycle, we went for a ride.
so, that's all you did.
you just rode around.
- yeah.
- uh-huh, yeah.
and you didn't stop anyplace? i don't remember.
we just rode around.
just riding, riding, riding around, not stopping anywhere.
we might have stopped someplace.
like where? - rosie.
- where? - what difference does it make? - 'cause i want to know.
watch-out hill.
are we ever gonna do this? in a minute.
roseanne, you broke my heart.
did you do it with her? come on, roseanne.
did you? yes.
we're ready when you are.
we may have to do this another day.
no, we can do it right now.
we'll do it now.
you're sure? yeah, let's take the picture.
roseanne i'm sorry.
the kids are all tucked in.
what you watching? d.
j.
was so cute.
he wanted to know if we're getting a divorce.
are we? did i forget to tell you i'm not talking to you? look, i want to tell you everything that happened.
you've obviously mistaken me for someone who cares.
look, when you broke up with me, i guess i was trying to prove something to myself.
i don't know why i picked phyllis.
okay, i know.
but she just broke up with her boyfriend.
i ran into her at a party, we went for a ride, we wound up on the hill.
and it just sort of happened.
it didn't mean anything.
could you explain that to me? can you tell me how you make love with somebody and it doesn't mean nothing? well, you start with a case of beer then go get me a case of beer so i can shower up with the chicago bears.
hell, honey, they're not even a good team anymore.
mean something, mean something.
why does it always have to mean something? i don't know, dan, i just always thought it did.
look, what happened that long ago doesn't have anything to do with you and me now.
yes, it does.
'cause you're the one person i thought i could trust.
i still am.
nothing's changed.
then how come i'm sitting here wondering what else i don't know about you? i'm asking you to trust me.
god, i hate you.
i hate you too, baby.
no one else has ever mattered.
then why'd you go all out over this picture? did you think i was doing this for phyllis? i was doing this for us.
i'm proud of this family.
i'm proud of the fact that we've been married 15 years.
do you know how amazing that is? yeah, pretty amazing considering i can't stand you.
everybody said we got married too young, that we would never last.
here we are.
what do you suppose our secret is? we can't afford to pay two rents.
hey, give me some of that there blanket.
no.
come on, i'm freezing.
why don't you go find old phyllis to warm up your big old butt? 'cause nobody can warm up my big old butt like you, babycakes.
honey pie.
sugar darling.
snookie baby.
etcetera, etcetera.
this is nice.
these shots turned out pretty good.
they're not too bad.
i should have worn my other belt.
if you say one more word about that belt, i'm going to strangle you with it.
i don't look so bad in these.
you're not too ugly.
in fact, i look pretty good.
can i take this one to school? sure.
darlene's blocking my softball trophy in that one.
this is the one we want to send in to the yearbook.
no way! my eyes are all closed up.
let's send in that one.
huh-uh i'm making a face in that one.
no, that's your regular face.
i don't look like that.
yeah, you do.
well, we're not sending in that one.
well, we're not sending the other one.
- well, what are we gonna do? - well there's always yellowstone.