Rules of Engagement s01e07 Episode Script

- Hey, Jeff.
- Hey.
How was your softball game? Well, I was powerful at the plate, graceful on the field, gazelle-like on the base paths.
- You won? - Lost 26 to 9.
We had a girl playing second base.
Girls can be good.
Not this one, for as bad as she was, she might as well have been straight.
What's happening here? Well, when you were losing, I was cleaning our closets and getting rid of old stuff.
There's my college T-shirts? - You're not getting rid of those.
- Why not? You haven't worn them in 12 years.
We haven't used our wedding china in 12 years either, let's throw that out.
What happens now? Do I say, "Good point, you can keep your T-shirts?" Look, it's not the same thing, but each one of these shirts represents a special memory in my life.
"Special memory" as the Yabba Grabba Brew Party? Syracius, 87, I was appointed Keg-Meister General of this event.
I led my men to victory over the forces of sobriety.
Come on, haven't you outgrown these? I bet they still fit.
I meant emotionally.
How's I look? You look like the Incredible Hulk if he turned white and didn't do sit-ups.
Episode 107: Jeff's Wooby Version 1.
0 I'm going through these bills, we're still paying for your storage unit! Yeah, we have to.
I don't want them confiscating my valuables.
Why don't you just move your stuff in here? You don't want in here.
It's a bunch of crap.
Either move it in or get rid of it.
I'm just saying you don't want my stuff junking up your apartment.
Our apartment.
You said your apartment.
- Did I say that? - Yes.
It's our apartment.
Of course it is.
All I'm saying is I just realized it's nice the way it is, you have done some top-notch work here, honey.
Yes, but I did that all before you moved in.
Now that we're leaving together, your stuff should be here too.
It's heavy! You know how lazy I am.
- I'll help.
- Okay.
Good.
Really? She wanted you to - throw them out? - Yeah.
They're not just T-shirts, they're memories of important events.
Spring breaks, concerts, football games, creditcard promotions.
You have done some living.
Hey guys, I want you to meet my new friend Jesse.
- Hey, Jesse, Jeff.
- Adam, nice to meet you.
Nice grip, I like it when it's firm.
Excuse me, I have a call.
Sure.
I like this one.
She's obsessed with sex.
Which is perfect for me because I do not like a challenge.
You already slept with her? No, but by the way she talks, could be any minute.
Everything she says sounds dirty.
Like when she shook your hand, she says, "I like it when it's firm.
" Russell, that's just something people say.
Maybe it's not her dirty mouth, maybe it's your perverted ears.
Well, we'll see.
Here she comes.
Listen what she says.
- Sorry, that was my bar manager.
- That's right.
Jesse's opening up a new club this Saturday night, you should go.
Yeah, you guys should definitely check out my opening.
You know, it takes a little time for things to hit up down there, so try not to come too early.
Have you heard the lady? It is a good thing Adam held on to these.
These will come in handy when you have 75 people over for shots.
Oh, look, his junior prom photo.
Judging by the sideburns, someone was a 90210 fan.
His date's pretty though.
She looks Polynesian.
Here's his senior prom photo.
Still looks like Luke Perry but different girl.
Also Polynesian.
Why? Does Adam have a thing with Polynesian girls? Apparently.
His last girlfriend, Sonia, was Hawaiian.
I guess Adam has a type.
A type I'm clearly not.
I wonder what else I don't know about him.
You're not really worried about this, are you? I'm not the kind of girl who gets crazy-- Do you think it's weird that he didn't want to move his stuff in? I think it's weird you did.
You're being silly.
I don't think I am.
He asked you to marry him, didn't he? But it was a spur of the moment thing when we moved in together.
There's no ring, no date, we don't even talk about it.
All right, look.
Adam loves you.
You are his future.
Those girls are his past.
Look at this! I forgot I still had it.
That's sexy, isn't it? Come on! It's gonna look great next to the bed.
Oh yeah, baby! Aloha! Hey, Jeff! What are you watching? That's an interesting show A lovely woman took ingredients she found in her own kitchen and cooked an entire meal from scratch.
What's that on? The Sci-Fi channel? - What have you got there? - I got you a present! - What is it? - What do you think? My shirts! What did you do to my shirts? I had a quilt made out of them.
Rhetorical question, Audrey.
You just took dozens of manly things and you turned them into on big girl thing.
They were all in the closet.
Now, they're out, and proud.
- Not helping.
- Look, now you can see them everyday and we get a lot of closet space freed up.
Come on.
Try it.
It's warm.
Look at this one: Huey Lewis concert, 1985.
The News was tight, that show.
You see? All your memories in one place.
And it is kinda convenient.
Thanks, you all right.
- I'm glad you like it.
- Hey, come on here.
Get under here.
It sounds snugly.
Look at that one.
Spring break, Daytona 87.
First day I went to big belly flop contest.
I win.
I think I won a T-shirt for that, too.
There it is.
Right next to my city bank That's a race I did not run.
Then how did I get the T-shirt, you ask? Interesting story.
It was an overcast day, I think it was September.
The race was scheduled They have the tortellini soup you like.
Shut up.
What's your problem? Remember all those dirty double-entendres I said I liked so much before? Well, not so much anymore.
Why not? Because her words arouse my desires, but her actions aren't having sex with me.
But this might not be her fault, I mean, your desires get aroused when you see them dressing the manequins at Bloomingdale's.
Some of those boobs are crazy real.
Anyway, this is Jesse's phone.
I can prove it.
Check this out.
A mailman tried to hand her some mail.
But she said, "Can you just slide it in my slot?" She meant the mail slot.
Did she? And we were caught out in the rain the other day and she goes, "Rain makes me really wet.
" Well, technicaly, that's true.
But who says it like that? And the deli guy asked her if she wanted her turkey sliced thin and she says: "No, I like my meat thick.
" That is weird.
I mean, nobody likes thick turkey.
Come on! You know how some people make double-entendres and they go "That's what she said.
" Yeah, I did go to junior high school.
I think Jesse is "she".
She's the "she" of "that's what she said.
" You found her.
Well That would be great, except she doesn't know what she's saying.
I'm gonna have to get out of this.
I've never seen you walk away from such a hot girl.
I know.
I might be growing.
That's what she said.
God! What is that smell? It's a shirt I wore under my pads in high school football.
Great.
Twenty-year-old BO.
No, that's a smell of victory.
You can't wash that out.
Start the movie.
Journey concert.
One of my buddy, Dave "The Boss" Ross-- Did you ever meet Dave? You'd have liked him.
Once he put half a bottle of tabasco sauce in my NyQuil.
He sounds like a very wise man.
He is.
One time I passed out and he'd shaved off all my body hair.
- Start the movie.
- Anyway, before the concert, we go to Charlie O's to knock back a few cold ones.
Guess who we run into? Some of the knucklehead you used to hang out with? It was crazy Jim Conroy.
He once ate a dead mouse on a bet.
- Maybe I'll just read-- - Roy was going to the concert too.
Jim Conroy, we called him Roy, he slaps his credit card on the bar and challenges us to go shot for shot with him, I'm like "Line 'em up, Jimmer.
" Sometimes, we would call Roy, Jimmer.
Anyway, 21 shots later, that's 7 each for me, the boss and Jimmer, we're all like ready to go to the show How's your work going? Actually, I was just doing a little procrastinating.
What do you think about Italy for a honeymoon? It sounds good.
Who's getting married? Well, we are, right? Yeah, but we don't even have a wedding date set yet.
We agreed not to worry about the future.
That's the beauty of our relationship.
Yeah, I agree I was just thinking, Italy is so romantic and I'd love to go there soon.
Yeah, we should take a trip.
You know where I've always wanted to go? Tahiti.
Tahiti! What you make think of that? I don't know.
I guess my hula lamp got me think about the islands.
Well, I just had some ginger ale from Canada, maybe we should go there.
No, Canada feels like giving up.
So, maybe we just shouldn't go anywhere.
Maybe we should just stay here and keep everything exactly as it is for as long as possible.
Or Tahiti.
So what does that thing do? It's to keep track of the number of guests so it doesn't get overcrowded.
And it's not easy because people keep going in and out, and in and out and All right, thank you.
I got it, I got it.
Could you do me a favor by taking this one and keeping track of who comes in the back door? Yeah.
Sure.
Hi! I'm so glad you guys made it! Here.
Let me stamp your hands.
This will give you a total access to all private areas.
Hey, a little tip! The hottest action happens downstairs.
I know.
She said that.
In fact, I'm gonna keep count of everything she says.
Hula girls! Just like my lamp! You got to be kidding me.
- Hey, Russell.
- Hey! That's Audrey and that's Jeff you met at the diner.
Yes! Your sausage looked delicious.
Excuse me? It's what I had for breakfast.
To be honest, it was a little dry.
You know, he also had eggs, bacon, toasts My friend Dick's here! I love Dick! What's up, man? - 37? - In under an hour.
It's driving me crazy, she's yanking my chain, without actually yanking my chain.
I'm so sorry I haven't been able to spend a lot of time with you but I have been riding the staff all night long.
It's so fun being at a club on opening night.
Maybe we'll get our picture taken and wind up on page 6.
This place is really great.
The decor reminds me of the Jimmy Buffett concert.
I've seen Buffett like ten times.
Me too.
Check this out.
These are my old t-shirts.
Is that one when Huey Lewis played at the Garden in 85? You know it, brother.
I was there! The News was tight, that show.
Excuse me.
You took pictures of the quilt? Except the ones I'm in, Adam took those.
Ever since I had that thing made, all you talk about is boring stories of college and high school, and Roy and Jimmer.
Roy is Jimmer.
You don't listen.
I'm sorry.
It's kind of hard to hear since I'm in this year and you're in 1985.
Well, I'm sorry if I enjoy reminiscing about all the best times of my life.
The best times of your life? How could our wedding day compare to some jackass eating a dead mouse? It's an open bar.
Want some shots? Is the heart of rock'n'roll still beating? The right way to eat poi is with two fingers.
Like this.
Okay, that's good, thank you! What is going on with you? I was eating poi.
It's just terrible.
I meant what's going on with you me-wise and us-wise? In case you haven't noticed, I'm not exactly Polynesian.
I've noticed that.
What's going on with you? You're acting a little weird lately.
Because I don't know where we're going.
There's no wedding date, no honeymoon, I had to twist your arm just to get you to move your stuff in.
You're serious? You actually think I'm having second thoughts? I just don't feel like we're moving forward.
Come with me.
Jesse? I was wondering What do you think we should do about global warming? You wanna talk about thsi right now? I do.
Okay, well I think we need to seriously cut down on our carbon emissions and aggressively search for alternate fuels.
Right on! So do I.
But the real problem is the ozone depletion over the Arctic.
I mean, there is a giant hole sitting over that pole.
Here you go.
I'm done.
Oh, my God! My head! Here, drink this.
It smells like vodka.
No, that's you.
Can't drink like I used to.
Well, at least you tried.
You know what? I'm glad I'm not that guy anymore, I have a lot more fun with you than I ever did with Peter, Roy or Jimmer.
Honey, Roy is Jimmer.
Nice catch.
Anyway, if I got a t-shirt for all the fun things we did together, there wouldn't be enough room in this whole apartment.
That's one of the sweetest things you've ever said.
It just came out.
- There you go.
- Wooby! Where are we going and why did we have to stop by the apartment? We're going right here.
What's here? This is where I was planning to take you on the anniversary of the night we met.
Sweety, that's why I should plan our special occasions.
Does anything look familiar? That's the bar where we met.
And this is where I was standing when I saw you going to that bar.
Which made me go into that bar.
This spot changed my life.
And that's why I wanted to come here to give you this.
Oh, my God! Yeah, it was my grandmother's and now I want I want you to have it, so Will you still marry me? Of course, I will.
So romantic! I know! There's only one way it could be better.
How? If this corner smelled a little less like urin.
It is absolutely beautiful! It cost you nothing.
It is the thought that counts.
Might have been nice to know that You did good, Adam.
Yes, he did.
So I guess the next step is setting a wedding date.
Well We're in no hurry right now, life is pretty good.
Yes, it is.
Look at all the happy couples.
Is something wrong, Russell? Yeah, I broke up with Jesse.
Might have been a mistake.
She was sexy, kind of fun, smart.
Sometimes I wish I wouldn't run from a relationship at the first bump in the road.
Too bad.
Must be really hard.
That's what she would have said.