Frasier s01e08 Episode Script

Danielle, slow down a little bit.
I can't understand you.
(Woman with a French accent) 'I have a problem with my monthieur.
' - With your what? - 'My monthieur.
' Your monthieur? 'Oui, my monthieur, every day.
' Is that your mother? Your masseur, your Mercedes? 'My monthieur! You must help me! ' The best advice I can give you is to either confront your monthieur or work on your self-esteem.
Thank you for your call.
This is Dr Crane saying, "Have a good evening, you deserve it.
" Roz, aren't you screening these calls? Yeah, but when you only have one, you get less particular.
- You look nice.
- Yeah? - I've got a date.
- Oh, great.
Why are you only wearing one heel? You break it off? No, I'm dating a sea captain with a peg leg.
It makes it easier when we dance.
I broke it off in a grate.
Who is this guy? Another trendy kid who's got three earrings, a ponytail and a T-shirt under his coat? - Is he here? - Where do you meet these people? For your information, he is a successful media consultant.
He graduated from Princeton, has a house on Mercer Island and a sailboat.
You met him on a bus, didn't you? No, we shared a cab.
All right, he was driving it.
- Hello.
- You remember Roz? - Yes.
What brings you here? - Oh, nothing.
I was just passing by and thought I'd stop in for a career.
Good luck.
The entrance to your garage is blocked by a cab driver with a ponytail scraping gum off the seat.
Madam, your chariot awaits.
Better get going.
Oh, actually, bad news.
The lecture's been cancelled.
I wasn't relishing the idea of three hours on right-brain-left-brain-synergy.
I trimmed that speech to 21/2 hours and I open with a funny Al Gore joke.
Let's not cry over spilt milk.
Now, we have a free evening.
This is a perfect opportunity for two guys on the loose to hit a sports bar, have a coupla Brewskis, maybe take in a game.
Right.
What shall we do? - Dinner? - Perfect.
No place fancy.
We don't want a heavy meal with deserts.
- Your turn to pay? - You know me so well.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Where I parked, the sign said it was just for customers of those stores.
It's fine.
I'll nip to Crabtree & Evelyn and buy a bar of lavender soap.
- You're a man! You'd look ridiculous.
- Something to drink? Fuzzy Navel blended nice and frothy.
- Martini, Niles? - No, I'm driving.
- I'll buy some hand towels.
- Sit down! Unless my eyes deceive me, that's Dad sitting over there.
You're right.
He said he was going to Duke's with the boys.
That certainly isn't the boys.
- It must be a clandestine rendezvous.
- Sly boots.
He didn't want us to know.
Oh, he's looking this way.
Turn around.
What are they doing? It's sort of cute.
He's holding her hand Don't look! I'll tell you when you can look.
Not now.
Not now.
OK, now.
No, not now! - Oh, I don't like this one bit.
- What are they doing? Nothing, but if Dad's eating here, this can't be a good restaurant.
- I wonder if it's their first date.
- They seem to be having a good time.
- What are they doing? - They're talking.
He's smiling at her.
And she's just collapsed in tears.
She's sobbing uncontrollably.
Oh, yeah, that's a Crane first date all right.
She's coming this way.
Hide! - You know who that is? - She looked familiar.
- That was Marion Lawlor.
- I last heard that name as a kid.
Mom and Dad fell out with the Lawlors.
They did, when we shared a cabin.
Maybe Dad's just patching things up.
Doing his usual bang-up job.
This is awkward.
Let's get out of here.
No, if we leave now, he'll spot us.
- Maybe you should have that Martini.
- I can't, I'm driving.
Not any more.
They just towed your car.
(Growling and yapping) You little hooligan, get off that couch! You're not supposed to do that.
If Dr Crane sees you, he'll throw both of us off the balcony! Good boy.
Now, you stay there.
(Growls and yaps) Eddie Glad to see my rules about the couch are taking hold.
Good dog.
Dad, Daphne! - Hello, Dr Crane.
- Hello.
Where's Dad? Mr Dorsey invited him over to watch the ballgame.
Great, he's getting to know the neighbours.
What? - Why don't you grow a moustache? - It wouldn't suit me.
- Oh, yes, it does.
- You've never seen me with one.
I have.
There's a billboard for your show down on 16th Street.
- Some kids spray painted you.
- It looked good? Oh, yes.
But a word to the wise.
Take care of your teeth - that look is not flattering on you.
(Doorbell) I'll get it.
Hello, Dr Crane.
- Hello.
- What brings you here? A Rent-a-car, thanks to my brother.
- I assume you're here for a reason.
- Yes.
Frasier, last night when I got home, that incident with Dad and Mrs Lawlor made me think what caused the rift between our families.
So I dug out my old boyhood journal and looked up my entries from our last summer together at the lake.
According to this, there was a three-week period where Mom and Dad had screaming matches every night.
- I don't recall that.
- That's right.
That was when you wore the wax earplugs and the slumber mask.
You were looking at the "National Geographic" with a flashlight.
- I was looking at the maps.
- That's what makes it scary.
What was your point? Something more provocative happened during that same period.
Here.
Read this.
"Though summer at the lake seems but a vapid, vacuous experience, "it is a tonic for my troubled youth.
" How old were you when you wrote this? Almost nine.
Which explains the redundancy "vapid" and "vacuous".
By ten, my writing had gotten tighter.
Among other things.
The point is that I crept out onto the screen porch, leaving the lights off so as not to attract bats and moths.
As I peered out through the darkness, between the trees I saw Dad and Mrs Lawlor in each other's arms.
It's clear what happened.
Dad and Mrs Lawlor had an affair.
I appreciate your attempt to spice up our family history, but we're not a Jackie Collins novel.
It's ridiculous.
Is it? All right, allow me to present exhibit "B".
This is a photo album Mom prepared of the same period.
I love to see old family photos.
My goodness, what a handsome, sinewy young bloke! That was Dad.
You two take after your mother, don't you? All right.
Look at this.
That's Dad, but the person next to him has been cut out.
And here, you can still see the edges of a dress and a handbag and sandals.
Who's that scrawny chap with the fish-belly complexion and rain hat? I was under doctor's orders to stay out of direct sunlight.
We don't know that was Mrs Lawlor.
It wouldn't prove they had an affair.
- What? - Niles thinks Dad had an illicit affair.
- Your father? He's not the type.
- That's what I think.
- And there's not enough proof.
- Is it impossible? - Anything is possible.
- Why don't you ask him? Right.
"Father, did you boff a neighbour while we were roasting marshmallows?" Ah.
There's one sure way to get the truth.
- We'll call Aunt Vivienne.
- Who's that? Better known as the Mouth.
- We are not calling her.
- You afraid of finding out something? Yes, that she knows where I live and she still drives.
You two are worse than gossipy washerwomen.
The way to solve this is to ask your father.
Ask me what? Your sons have some cockeyed notion that you had an affair 30 years ago.
What? - Where did that idea come from? - Frasier saw you with Marion Lawlor.
- You were with me! - You were spying on me? No, we were just having dinner when you were "with your buddies".
That proves I had an affair? No, but Niles remembered this time when he saw you and her hugging.
It was the time when you and Mom were fighting a lot.
- Then you stopped seeing the Lawlors.
- This is stupid! Right.
They were even going to give some Aunt Vivienne a call.
Daphne, would you give me a minute alone with these two? I understand.
Send the help to the room.
I never get to hear any good stuff.
Don't bother calling Aunt Vivienne.
You want to know the truth? Fine.
I had an affair.
It happened long ago and it's not anything I'm proud of.
Now that I've answered everything, do me a favour.
This is never to be brought up again, understand? End of discussion.
Well It's times like this that most families pull together and draw strength from each other.
What shall we do? Thank you.
I came to see how you are, but I only have a few minutes.
I start my "healing with humour" support group tonight and I must pick up my big shoes.
How am I doing? How are you doing, Niles? Doesn't it bother you that your father cheated on my mother? Your loyalties are seeping through.
Besides, I got Mom's small features while you got Dad's chunky thighs.
It must have caused Mom a lot of pain.
Agreed, but they went on and had a very happy life together.
They got over it.
Why can't you? Rationally, I should be able to handle this.
I deal with human frailty every day.
But in this case, it's not people - one of our parents had an affair.
How could Dad cheat with Marion knowing the effect it would have on Mom and us? Why don't you just pull up a chair and join us? I just can't believe that it's it's our father.
I never had a great relationship with him, but I always respected his integrity.
Just thinking about what he did sickens me.
As your brother, as a therapist, I think you have to let this go.
You should come to my "healing with humour" support group.
Thank you, but I need a night to myself.
If you change your mind, it should be a hoot.
As we speak, I'm wearing oversized polka-dot boxers and quick-release suspenders.
(Growling and yapping) I see all sorts of things have been going on behind my back! Get! (Doorbell) - Frasier? - Yes.
You may not remember me.
Marion Lawlor.
- Yes, I remember you.
- Is your Dad home? No, but if you come back later, you can have the place to yourselves.
No, that's not necessary.
We had dinner the other night, and I left rather abruptly.
I wanted to tell him I'm sorry.
Would you please give him my best? I think you've already done that.
Is this a bad time? You seem upset.
Would you come in for a moment? After you met with Dad the other night, he and I talked, and I learned what happened that summer.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm not the kind of person who can hear news like that and just forget about it.
I know you're upset.
But if it's any consolation, in time, your father and I forgave them.
Forgave them? Your mother was a good person.
So was my husband.
They made a mistake.
Anyway, tell your father I stopped by.
I felt so silly crying the other night.
I've been a little overemotional since Dan died.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't know.
You never realise how hard that's going to hit you.
Look who I'm telling this to! The famous radio psychiatrist Dr Frasier Crane! I remember you when you ran around in your undies with your pail and shovel.
Yes, well, I rarely get to the shore any more.
Well, goodbye, Frasier.
Goodbye.
Working on the docks has always been a tradition for us Moons.
Me father worked on the docks, me grandfather.
All me brothers do.
Well, except for Billy.
He came home one day, saying he hated the smell of fish.
He was going to teach ballroom dancing.
And he did.
And he does.
He's me mum's favourite.
Dad flicks the crust off his kidney pie at him.
How much longer do I have to do this? Be patient.
You don't want to drag your leg behind you like a dead branch.
I'm talking about listening to your family's history.
Why would a man of your intelligence say a thing like that when you're in the position you're in, and I'm in the position I'm in? All right.
(Daphne) 'Up you come.
' That's much better.
I'll go run your bath.
Hi, Dad.
You look kinda tired.
I just finished my exercises with Nurse Ratchet.
- Do you have to watch TV right now? - Yeah, my programme's on.
If either of us could work the VCR, we'd tape it, but There's something I'd like to talk about.
Oh, for God's sake.
I've told you everything I'm going to.
Now drop it.
(Rattling and thumping) Dad - Why didn't you tell me the truth? - I did.
Marion Lawlor came by today to apologise for the other night.
While she was here, she told me what really happened.
So now you know.
You stuck your nose where it didn't belong.
Are you happy now? - Why didn't you tell me it was Mom? - Cos it's none of your business! I understand you being defensive, but I had a right to know.
This happens to a lot of people.
If it's any consolation, I know exactly how you feel.
I never told you this, but Lilith did the same thing to me.
Lilith had an affair? It was the most humiliating experience of my life.
I'm sure you felt the same way.
I hadn't thought about it for some time, but thanks for reminding me.
Lilith? I found her attractive! Is it strange another man might, too? I guess.
- Who was the bozo in your case? - Oh, God.
A Frenchman who lived in a self-contained underground ecopod.
That still sounds better than a urologist with a bad comb-over.
I'm sorry.
Look, do me a favour.
Don't hate your mother for this.
I wasn't easy to live with, and she had plenty of reason for doing what she did.
Luckily, we were able to put it behind us, but I'll tell you at times it tore me up.
I loved your mother.
So did I.
I know, son.
That's why I said I was the one who had the affair.
I was just trying to protect her.
Me, you already had problems with.
I appreciate what you did, but you should have told me.
Listen.
When Frederick grows up, will you tell him what Lilith did to you? OK.
- Can I watch my programme now? - One second.
I gotta clear one thing up.
There's this photo album.
There's all these pictures with the same woman cut out of them.
What else do you notice, Sherlock? Like, where's your mother? - Oh, that was Mom! - Yes.
She cut herself out of it.
She'd put a few pounds on.
She wore a brown dress with a belt.
Aunt Vivienne said she looked like a knackwurst tied in the middle.
We've been trying to find something we have in common.
- I think we finally found it.
- Yeah.
- Wish it was a birthmark.
- So do I.
# Baby, I hear the blues a-calling Tossed salads and scrambled eggs # Mercy! # Maybe I seem a bit confused Yeah maybe, but I got you pegged! # But I don't know what to do With those salads and scrambled eggs # They're calling again # Scrambled eggs all over my face # What is a boy to do? # Thank you! #