Home Improvement s01e08 Episode Script

Well, while we let that cream softener dry, I'm gonna ask you a question.
When you're pounding those finishing nails, do you end up hitting your thumb more than you hit the head of the nail? Sure you do.
Tool tip from old Tim is use a household bobby pin to hold the nail.
You secure it, no problem.
AI, you wanna hold that for me? Well, Tim, the point of the bobby pin is that you can do it yourself.
But AI, you're such an important part of the show.
I want your help.
Aah! Good reflexes, AI.
Do you play lacrosse or something? There you go.
We've set the nail, and no one's injured any appendages.
Well, before we say goodbye, we get tons of cards and letters, and I'd like to share a real special one with you.
Thank you, AI.
Lisa? Here you go, Tim.
Special delivery.
- This is from Rock Lannigan of Bay City.
- OK, thank you, Lisa.
Rock writes, "Dear Tim", "I'm the foreman for K&B Construction Company up here in Bay City.
"My crew and I watch you all the time.
We love your clothes, "especially the eclectic Italian look with the triple-pleated slacks.
" Thanks, fellas.
He goes on to say, "Anyway, my crew and I put in a damn hard American day's work, "and we get tired of eating a cold lunch out of a metal pail.
" And who wouldn't? "So we did something about it.
"We started cooking hot gourmet meals "right on the job site using the tools of the trade.
Me and the boys call this 'cookin' a meal with power and steel.
"' This was an inspiring letter.
A very inspiring letter.
So inspiring, I invited these guys from K&B Construction down here to Tool Time to demonstrate cooking a gourmet meal on the job site.
So don't miss us next time when we will do cooking with what? More power! You're right.
See you next time.
Hey, Dad, they just vaporized the whole building! - Did they get the general yet? - Yeah, just now.
I missed my favorite part - that's when they suck the blood out of his head.
You're not watching Red Planet Death again? No, honey, no.
This is Madame Butterfly: The Backstage Look.
- What are you looking for? - Jalapeño peppers.
I'm gonna make up some of that four-star Happy Trails rootin'-tootin' chili of mine.
I don't know about the rootin', but there'll be plenty of tootin'.
Just consider yourself lucky I'm not making my rip-roarin' chili.
Mom, look what I colored for you.
Oh! Honey, that's beautiful.
Oh, that's some good-looking airplane.
It's not an airplane.
It's Mom.
Oh, I thought those were propellers.
They are.
- We're going to the park.
- Can I go with you? - No, you're not coming with us.
- Hey, hey! Hold it there.
There is no reason that you can't take him with you.
Mom, we don't want people to know we have a geek for a brother.
Brad, take your brother to the park with you.
All right.
Get your coat, doofus.
We'll meet you out here.
Jill, where is that Happy Trails Chili cookbook of mine? Why do you need a cookbook? You're just gonna dump in whatever you want anyway.
I want to throw the book in there.
Maybe those pages will soak up the excess oil.
Mom, Brad and Randy left without me.
Well, those little sneaks.
Here, I'll take you to the park myself, honey.
No, that's OK.
I'll just go upstairs and play with my trucks.
What are we gonna do about Brad and Randy? They keep tormenting Mark.
That's why we had Mark.
So they'd leave us alone.
You just don't know the kind of things they do to him.
Like a couple of days ago, I made him a chunky peanut-butter sandwich, and they told him that the chunks were ground-up rat bones.
So? Older brothers torment younger brothers.
It's the way of the world.
I did it to my younger brothers.
This kid's gotta learn how to deal with this by himself.
I don't believe that brothers have a special privilege to be obnoxious little pigs.
No, I think that you and I should get together as a parental unit and have a nice, long talk with Brad and Randy about their behavior.
These are kids without central nervous systems, all right? We have to learn how to out-torment them.
- Oh, I see.
Stoop to their level? - Exactly.
You wanna teach Brad and Randy a lesson? Tonight when I'm cooking that chili, I'll cut up this cauliflower, and we'll tell them we've got rabbit brains in there.
No, we're gonna talk to them.
We'll just tell them how much they're hurting Mark's feelings and how much that behavior disappoints us.
And if that fails, yeah Old Peter Cottontail hops right in that chili.
Come on, Mom.
We wanna go back to the park.
Boys, sit down there.
Your mom has something she wants to say to you.
I believe that we have something that we both wanna say to them.
Yeah, right.
OK, whatever your mom is saying, I'm saying it.
It's just that she's the one saying it, which doesn't mean that I'm not saying what she's saying.
Say what I'm saying.
You guys promised Mark that you would take him with you to the park and then you ran off and left him here.
We waited in the backyard, and he never came.
You waited for five seconds.
- You didn't say how long we had to wait.
- Don't get smart! Hey, hey, I think you're missing the point here.
We are a family.
If one of us is hurting, we're all hurting.
If you hurt Mark's feelings, you also hurt my feelings and your father's feelings.
- Right, Tim? - Right.
And Tim, I think you have something that you wanna say here.
- You guys like cauliflower? - Tim.
All right, all right, all right.
However much fun you think it is to torment your younger brother, it's wrong.
But Dad, what about all those terrible things you did to Uncle Steve? - He's your younger brother.
- Uncle Steve is a major pain in the - This is different.
- Why? Because Steve knew I was kidding, that's why.
Well, then, why doesn't he come to any family reunions? - Because he lives so far away.
- No, he doesn't.
He just lives right Hey, hey! You know, we're not talking about your Uncle Steve.
- We're talking about you two.
- That's right.
And we want you to start treating Mark the way that you would like to be treated.
You know, that old golden rule thing.
OK.
We're sorry.
- Honey? - Yeah? - What are you doing? - Looking for something to put that chili in.
How about a trash bag? I'm looking for that big pot we take on cookouts with us.
Oh, OK.
You know, I think that our talk with Brad and Randy really helped, because they've been really nice to Mark for almost an hour.
Whoa! Look at this thing.
That old strobe light I had in my dormitory room.
Very groovy and far-out, man.
And it wasn't even on half the time.
Whoa! All these old eight-track tapes.
"In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida.
" In-a-gadda-da-vida, baby OK, smart guy.
Who sang "ln-A-Gadda-Da-Vida"? I just was.
In-a-gadda-da-vida Who sang "ln-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" so people wanted to hear it? You are an evil woman.
"Evil Woman," sung by Electric Light Orchestra, 1976.
- Lucky guess.
- Luck! Not luck - skill.
- All right, brainiac - All right.
Who sang "Play That Funky Music"? Wild Cherry.
Also 1976.
Released on the Epic label.
- Come on.
- "Come On," Tommy Roe.
1964.
- Stop.
- In the name of love Supremes, 1965.
Let's face it - when it comes to this song title stuff, I am the high priestess of pop.
- Well, I'm pretty good myself.
- Oh, yeah? Name the first song that we ever slow-danced to.
What? Name the first song that we ever slow-danced to.
- I'm waiting.
- Give me a minute.
Give me a minute.
- We were at the Glitter Ballroom - Mm-hmm.
We were dancing close.
You had on an angora sweater on, - doused in Shalimar or something.
- Yeah.
I had just the right amount of Jade East on.
- Our bodies were pressed close.
- Tim, what was the name of the song? Did it have the words "cold shower" in it? No.
But if you think of the song, I'll be upstairs.
"Touch Me in the Morning," Diana Ross.
I'll touch you in the afternoon if you think of the name of the song.
I remember the song that we heard when we were in the back of my Corvair and steaming the windows.
So do I.
"The Minute Waltz.
" - Hey, throw it to me.
- Forget it.
You got us in trouble.
Mom said you're supposed to be nice to me.
You see Mom anywhere in this backyard? Now get lost.
But you've got to play with me.
We're brothers.
We're not your brothers.
Yes, you are.
I'm gonna let you in on a secret.
We're aliens from outer space.
You're a big, fat liar, Randy.
My name isn't Randy.
It's Zelnot.
I'm Zorton.
No, you're not.
You're Brad and Randy.
No.
Brad and Randy are gone.
We sucked the blood out of their brains and took over their bodies.
We have many powers.
We can read minds.
- No, you can't.
- I'll prove it.
- Zorton? - Talk to me, Zelnot.
I'm thinking of a number between one and ten.
What is it? - Four.
- That's right.
How'd you do that? I'm telling Mom and Dad.
You're in big trouble.
HEY-.
They're not your mom and dad.
- They're aliens too.
- Are not.
Are too.
Our spaceship's coming to pick us up tonight.
Yeah.
We're gonna leave you here all alone for the rest of your life.
- You don't scare me.
- Hold it! You better walk backwards until after we leave tonight.
Why? Because aliens can't suck your blood if you're walking backwards.
Yeah.
Our real lips are in the back of our heads.
- Mark, what are you doing? - Nothing.
Why are you walking backwards? You could hurt yourself doing that.
Better than getting all my blood sucked out.
- He's got a good point there.
- Have you been talking to your brothers? - What have they been telling you now? - They say that you're all from outer space.
Honey, you know that's not true.
Jill, sometimes you wake up early in the morning, and you look Tim! They said you have lips in the back of your head.
Jill, sometimes you wake up early in the Mark, come here, come here.
Now, look here.
Do you see any lips there? - Not really.
- There.
See? You have got to stop listening to those two.
Come here and give me a hug.
You want to go get yourself some Earth juice? Yeah.
Aliens.
Those guys never stop.
I give up.
It's time for the master tormentor to take over.
If you want to torment them, you should just ground them with no TV.
Ha! That would be a penalty for earthlings.
We need a penalty suitable for aliens.
OK, I am behind you, I think.
Are you gonna make Brad and Randy say they're sorry? Well, you have two choices.
We could either make them apologize or we could get even.
- Get even! - That's my boy! Last time, I promised construction site cooking.
That's why I invited the guys at K&B construction down here on the set.
Rock Lannigan.
Dwayne Hoover and Pete Bilker.
How you doing, Pete? - Hi, Tim.
- Nice beard.
Well, thank you, Tim.
I grew it because of AI.
He's my hero.
Yeah, mine, too.
Rock, what have you got for us today? Well, Tim, I'm a riveter.
I work way up on the high steel.
And I'll tell you, it makes it darn hard to get a hot lunch up there.
But I've come up with a quick and easy way of making a delicious grilled-cheese sandwich.
You hear my stomach growling? You're gonna love this one, Tim.
The fellas call it "cheddar é la rock.
" All right.
I use only sharp Wisconsin cheese, because, after all, in Wisconsin, cheese is cheese.
American cheese from American cows.
Look out! I spread on a generous dollop of oleo with my trowel.
Then I take the cheese and I stick it between the bread.
Good place for it.
And then I Tim, I kind of hate to give this little secret away.
Come on, Rock, let it go.
It's a Tool Time crowd.
All right, all right.
Pete.
I sprinkle on a little oregano for flavoring.
- And then fire it up.
- What do you use to heat that with? That's one of the secrets of cooking on the job site, Tim.
I go straight for my blowtorch.
And that's no ordinary blowtorch.
That's a Binford 3000 Turbo Ignition Switch torch.
Yeah, you betcha, Tim.
See, the trick - you gotta toast it nice and evenly on both sides so that you seal in that delicious Wisconsin flavor.
Try that, Timmy! It's hot! Oh! Hot! Might want to let that cheese cool down a little bit there.
Thanks, AI.
Dwayne, what do you have for us? You know, I'm out on the job site, way out, nowhere close to your ordinary kitchen utensils.
So I got to improvise.
Now, this here is a dipstick off my '87 two-ton pickup.
With this, I make my southern specialty, shish-ke-billy-bob.
Now, the important thing to remember, Tim, before you start cooking is to get the oil off your dipstick.
Now, I like to alternate my meat and my vegetables.
- How do you feel about that, AI? - I'm still thinking about the dipstick, Tim.
I prefer to use USDA Choice cube steak, pearl onions, green peppers, and just a touch of summer squash for color.
No need to make mealtime a drab affair, huh, Tim? Perish that thought, Dwayne.
Now for the seasoning, I turn to my assistant, Pete.
That would be me.
I like to lightly dust the kebab with just a hint of sage and some tarragon.
- Well, I prefer rosemary, but - Dwayne, rosemary's much too harsh Pete, this is neither the time nor the place! Now, ordinarily, Tim, I would wrap this in tinfoil and put it on a hot engine.
But we don't have time for all that.
Here, hold that, Al, will you? Thank you.
Now, Pete's got one all cooked up and ready for us to taste.
- There you go, Tim.
- Give that a whirl.
There.
How you like that? It's delicious.
I detect a hint of 110W-30 on that thing, though.
- Dad? Dad, Brad and Randy are coming.
- All right, son, all right.
The master tormentor is ready to teach them a lesson they'll never forget.
The spaceship will be here any minute.
You know the plan.
Now, get out of here.
Go, go! OK, this is gonna be great.
First we'll get him down on his knees, then we'll get him to close his eyes, then we'll sneak back in the house and lock him out.
Look, he's out there waiting for us.
What a geek.
Mr.
Zelnot, where's the spaceship? - It'll be here in two minutes.
- You have to wait over here.
Yeah, and remember, when your mom and dad come out, say goodbye real fast.
But don't hug them, or your arms will melt.
Yeah.
Now, get down on your knees and close your eyes.
And whatever you do, don't move, or your skull will cave in.
- What is it? - I don't know.
Aah! The other door! Mom! Mom! Let us in! Aah! Well, I think the master tormentor has done his job.
- And now I have a little surprise for you.
- Oh, yeah? Let's see You remembered.
- Harry Nilsson, "Without You.
" - That's right.
I'd be a whole lot happier.
I'm just kidding.
The master tormentor is now the master rememberer.
Tell me something, did you do all of this to teach them a lesson, - or just 'cause it was really fun? - What do you think? I think it was really fun, but I don't think they learned a thing.
I think you're wrong.
I think those boys have learned a valuable lesson.
They won't be messing with anybody for a long time.
Aah! Back to bed, boys.
Those kids look a lot like your side of the family.