Mike & Molly s01e08 Episode Script

Did you sleep okay? Uh, yeah, pretty good.
Are you sure? Because I've been told I snore.
- Oh, who told you that? - My neighbors.
- Excuse me.
- Mm.
Sorry.
Well, there were a couple of times I thought I was sleeping next to a wood chipper full of croquet balls.
Yeah, I'd use my sleep apnea machine but it's got a mask I have to put over my face.
- It's not very sexy.
- Wait, you have sleep apnea? Yeah.
The machine really helps cut down on the snoring.
For the love of God, use the machine.
- Okay, I'll strap it on tonight.
- Good.
- Do you have any mouthwash? - Mm, yeah.
There you go.
Wow.
That's mouthwash.
Heh.
I thought it was wiper fluid.
You got a cup or you just wanna stick a funnel in my mouth? Actually, the cap doubles as a cup.
Allow me to pour you a skosh.
Oh.
By the way, your container of all-in-one shampoo conditioner and body wash is empty.
Yeah, I had to use it last night to presoak the dishes.
I'll pick up another jug on the way home.
You know, um Oh.
Some people buy their shampoo and conditioner in separate containers.
- I know.
Suckers.
- Yeah.
Okay, okay.
Wait, ooh.
Uh, hey, where do you keep your hair dryer? Aww.
I don't have one.
Usually, I just shake dry like a Labrador.
Just: Uh, I'll tell you what, I'll pick one from Sam's Club today.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
I saw a demonstration on one there.
It was huge, like a sawed-off leaf blower.
Damn near blew a toddler out of the shopping cart.
That's Carl.
Don't forget to leave the seat up when you're done.
Oh, dear God, he's clueless.
Has Molly asked to empty out your drawers so she could fill it with feminine doodads? Ah, she brings a little overnight bag with her stuff in it.
She packs it in and packs it out, like a cat burglar that has sex with me.
You haven't found hair curlers on your toilet or tampons in your medicine chest? Nope.
She leaves the scene of the crime the way she found it.
And the only fingerprints are on me.
Nice.
But be careful.
I mean, women are nesters.
They bring something of theirs over and claim it's a gift for you.
I remember once this woman brought over a personal vibrator.
Pssh, like an idiot, I used it and started mixing margaritas.
You know, come to think of it, Molly recently gave me an agave scrub sponge.
- I'm sorry, a what? - An agave scrub sponge.
What it does is it scrapes all the dead skin off your body, leaving you silky smooth.
- Feel this.
- No.
Seriously, it's like velvet.
Oh, man, that's really soft.
Samuel, touch that.
No, I will not touch your arm, and I will not pull your finger.
Again.
Taunt the immigrant, very funny.
That's something she brought over for herself, but she's saying it's for you.
- You think? - Absolutely.
She's starting to move in.
But stay vigilant, protect your man-cave.
Now, tell me one more time, what's the name of that sponge? - Hey.
Hey, Mol.
Got enough pizza there? We figured out if your sister answers the door topless, we get it for free.
Happy accident.
When the doorbell rang, I thought it was the FedEx guy.
You want a slice? I gotta get changed and then I'm having dinner at Mike's.
Oh, isn't that nice? Yeah, he wants to cook for me.
Probably bought a shipping crate full of spaghetti and an oil drum of marinara.
How come you guys never stay here? You mean other than the fact you walk around naked for free food? He's a little shy and his place is more private.
He's a screamer, huh? I hate when guys scream in your ears.
Trick is, never let them near your ears.
- Oh.
- Mm-hm.
Hi.
I brought a pizza.
Victoria, it's for you.
I'll get this one, honey, you did the last three.
Hey.
You got garlic knots in there, I'll go grab my jump rope.
Is it my imagination or are we really starting to get the hang of this? Mm-hm, yeah, it was pretty terrific.
For a while there, it was like we were in the zone, working together as one and anticipating each other's moves, like the '05 White Sox.
Is that why you kept humming "Take Me Out to the Ball Game"? I had to, otherwise, I would've laid down a bunt before I left the dugout.
You mind if I finish up a bit of work for tomorrow? By all means, go ahead.
It's important you feel at home here.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
We shared the most intimate thing two human beings can share.
At this point, cracking open your laptop is almost redundant.
Well, thank you.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite which isn't as funny as it used to be because I had this kid in my class that was Whoa.
If this is a turnoff, I can do without it.
No, no.
I was a little startled, but it's fine.
I know it looks strange, but it does keep me from snoring.
Which is what makes it so hot.
Please leave it on.
Okey-doke.
You can get different-colored head straps.
- I went with basic black.
- Nice.
Very slimming.
- Good night, Molly.
- Good night, Mike.
Just Ahh.
Oh, perfect.
The gun was right there.
Seat goes down for my lady.
No more splash landings.
Morning, my little turtledove.
You making Papa Bear a cup of coffee? Absolutely, Papa Bear.
Hey, did Goldilocks sleep out here last night? Yeah, your bed's a little lumpy.
I guess it would be.
It was my mom and dad's old bed.
Hey, I got a surprise for you.
Check this out.
It's got three heat settings.
You could bake a pie with this thing.
That's very sweet.
I'm gonna go take a shower.
Hey, just to show you I've been paying attention I took your hint and I bought some shampoo and conditioner in two separate gallon jugs.
Swell.
Peach-apricot.
You're gonna smell like a fruit salad all day long.
What's the problem with the mattress you have? It's fine with me, but I heard my lady mention the words "small" and "lumpy.
" Huh.
You sure she was talking about your mattress? What are you trying to say, Carl? Really? I gotta spell it out for you? Hey, I'm bringing my A-game, pal.
I'm playing it slow and steady, varying my pitches enough to keep her guessing.
Good.
You don't want her to look over the bullpen and signal to bring in the lefty.
Good afternoon.
Is there a specific type of mattress I can help you find? Talk to him.
I'm strictly a waterbed man.
I'm looking for something that can accommodate two, let's say, larger people, comfortably.
Side by side, but sometimes stacked.
Are you thinking conventional mattress or perhaps memory foam? Oh, my grandma's got one of those memory foam beds.
It's like sleeping on a cloud.
You know, a cloud that remembers the shape of your ass.
Everything I sit on remembers the shape of my ass.
One of our more popular king-sized is the pillow top which combines a Posturepedic mattress with a cozy three-inch layer of goose down.
Oh, that's nice.
That's even softer than your silky forearm.
I'm going for a test drive.
Oh.
- How is it? Very cushy.
It's what I always imagined sleeping on you would be like.
Scooch over, that's my side.
Oh, you put a mirror on that ceiling, I could live here.
Show me a casket with one of these in it, you can kill me right now.
Boy, there'll be no getting you up in the morning.
Heh.
You guys known each other a long time? We've been partners for five years.
Turn on your side.
- Butt-to-butt or spooning? - Spooning.
Does that feel okay? Are you comfortable? Yeah, the mattress is offering support while hugging the contours of my body.
- Switch? - Absolutely.
- Oh.
- Oh, God, I'm in heaven.
Yup.
You have one happy girl on your hands tonight.
You buy this mattress, I think both you girls are gonna be happy.
I'll let you two discuss it.
Why is it, at least three times a week, people think we're gay? Well, this one I get.
We're snuggling on a mattress.
But when I wipe mustard off your lip, that's just me being helpful.
Where you been? I was starting to get worried about you.
Sorry, I had to go home and repack and I fell asleep on the toilet.
Are you not sleeping well? I know how to fix that.
So do I and it's in your holster.
- What's that? - Nothing.
Hey, no more restless nights for my baby.
Come, let me show you what I got.
Oh, please tell me it's a jug of vodka and a martini glass the size of your head.
Ta-da.
You got a new bed? Yeah, and check out all the pillows.
I was just gonna get two but Carl said quantity gives it an Arabian nights type of vibe.
Wait a second.
You bought a bed for us with Carl? No, I bought a bed for you with Carl.
Sweetie, sit down.
We need to talk.
- Did I do something wrong? - No, no.
Buying a new bed for me was very considerate.
Utterly clueless, but very considerate.
I'm not following.
Are you happy or are you sad? Ever since we started sleeping together, it's been right here.
There was that time we did it on the couch.
Please, no cute talk right now.
I'll try, but I'm feeling pretty cute.
Mike, seriously.
You like me, right? Are you kidding? I more than like you.
I Like you a lot.
I'm glad because I am dead-ass tired running back and forth between my house and your place every night.
You need to start making my life a little easier for me.
How? I'll do anything.
- Start spending some nights at my place.
- Almost anything.
Mike.
Oh, I don't think I can throw my A-game with your mother and sister around.
Hey, I've been doing it on your mom and dad's old mattress.
Okay.
I'll go pack a little overnight bag.
Thanks.
Hey, should I bring my agave scrub sponge or do you have one at your place? Bring it.
That was mine.
Damn it, Carl was right.
We are still gonna sleep at my place sometimes? - Of course.
- Good.
I paid 700 bucks for that bed and I wanna lay on it with someone besides Carl.
Oh, guess who decided to finally sleep in her own bed.
- And by sleep, I mean - Mom.
Good to see you, Mrs.
Flynn.
Victoria.
- Hey.
- Good to see you.
What do you got, golf clubs or an extra pair of underwear? - Let's just go upstairs.
- Sooner the better.
When I go to bed, I'll put my headphones on so you can get as nasty as you want.
Keep moving.
Where's the toothpaste? The tooth I wanna go home.
Shake the snake a little too hard there, fella? Oh.
Hello, Mrs.
Flynn.
No, I thought I noticed a calcium buildup on your tile grout but upon closer surveillance, you're clean as a whistle, good to go.
Thanks.
What time's the luau there, big kahuna? Uh, yeah.
Apparently, in my haste to pack, I neglected to bring pajama bottoms.
Hmm, top, no bottoms.
Around these parts, we call that Porky Pigging it.
Okay, well, uh, don't worry.
Tomorrow, I will be wearing pants at breakfast.
- Well, that makes one of us.
- Good night.
Good night.
Goofy bastard.
How'd my bottle of Vicodin end up in the crapper? God, I could be in my new bed right now.
I heard you're a screamer, so I'm wearing my noise-reduction headphones.
- Appreciate it.
Good night.
- What'd you say? What did I say? Can anybody hear me? - What is my sister yelling about? - I have no idea.
Look, I really appreciate you staying here tonight.
Well, you've been lugging your stuff back and forth to my place all week, so it's the least I could do.
Well, thank you.
You know, we should probably wait till your mom and sister fall asleep.
Or we could just try to do it really quietly.
Might make it sexier.
- You think so? - Sure.
Hey, we can pretend we're two high-school kids trying not to get caught.
Uh, I'm not sure.
I've only played the one high-school kid trying not to get caught.
Oh, my God, Michael Biggs, ever since I sat behind you in homeroom class I've been, like, totally fantasizing about this moment and I always hoped that you'd be my first.
Your first? I made out with Mindy Peterson once after cheerleading practice.
But that was just an experiment.
And I was, like, majorly thinking about you.
Okay, that got the home crowd standing.
mike's got the power mike's got the heat mike's got the spirit To knock you off your feet Go, Mikey! Are they doing it yet? Good Lord, I hope so.
What? Boy, these things are good.
Mike, come on.
Mike.
Stop it, Mom.
Morning, Mrs.
Flynn.
Morning to you.
- How'd you sleep? - Mom.
What? I'm just asking the man how he slept.
I slept fine, very restful, thank you for asking.
Glad to hear it.
- Can I make you some breakfast? - No, I'm not hungry.
Really? I thought you'd be starving to death after winning the big game.
- You're excused.
- God bless you.
Go, Mikey.
You know, I gotta say it's really kind of nice to have a man in the house.