Roseanne s01e08 Episode Script

babe, are my sideburns even? you don't have any sideburns.
remember when i had 'em down to here, and my hair down to my shoulders? boink.
yeah, and when you used to ride your motorcycle, you had to borrow my barrettes.
yeah, i was a stud, wasn't i? yeah, what happened? some woman married me.
thanks, warden.
- did they call off school yet? - not yet.
oh, please let school be closed.
please, i don't wanna do this book report.
- ooh, do you believe this? - what? thirty-eight inches of snow in fargo, north dakota.
oh, those poor fargo-ites.
mAN ON RADIO: wE HAVE THE LAST OF THE SCHOOL CLOSINGS IN.
rIKES hIGH sCHOOL, lE mAR hIGH sCHOOL AND tHIRD sTREET eLEMENTARY WILL BE CLOSED TODAY.
- aLL SCHOOLS IN THE aURORA AND lANFORD DISTRICTS - lanford! - WILL BE OPEN.
- oh, no! yay! rOSEANNE: you know, she hasn't read the book.
it's freezing in here.
pour some of that over my feet, would you? - it was 12 degrees when i left the house this morning.
- tell me about it.
i kissed dan goodbye, and my tongue got stuck to him.
i almost had to bring him to work with me.
- crystal, you all right? - huh? something bothering you? - she's been weird all day.
- i'm fine.
- hey, pete, any heat coming out of there at all? - nada.
you gonna fix that heat, or do we build a bonfire? you want heat? i'll give you all you can handle.
i'd rather freeze to death.
you know, jackie, i think you got a hormonal problem.
no way, pete.
it's just when you're around, our hormones mutate.
- pete, you check the fuse box? - yeah, i was just about to do that.
- it's a good idea.
- jACKIE: hey, booker.
hey, hey, booker.
- are we still on for tonight? - on for what? there is now.
well, you know, jackie, i- i'd love to go- - but? - but my mom's in town.
- oh.
- yeah, and, you know, for a couple of days.
- yeah, well, if you've got other plans.
- my mom's really in town.
- no, you don't owe me any explanation.
- all right.
that's just 20 bucks for the tickets.
- well- - no, i'm kidding.
here, take your mom to the auto show.
it's on me.
well, you're feeling pretty generous there, sis.
what?no, i got the tickets for free.
i'm just trying to make him feel bad.
- roseanne, you got something for a headache? - yeah.
three screaming kids.
- what do you want, doll? - got aspirin? well, you want tablets or caplets, or would you like an effervescent? anything.
- there you go.
- thanks.
what is wrong? - oh, nothing.
- are you sure? - i'm sure.
- rOSEANNE: okay.
- two, three, four - hank ruined my life.
let me guess.
he dumped you? for somebody else.
and you didn't see it coming.
i'm so stupid.
stupid, stupid, stupid! oh, crystal, don't be stupid.
i'm sorry.
it's just my whole world collapsed.
well, there's only one thing to do.
we'll all go out to the lobo lounge after work, we'll talk this thing over.
oh, no, i'd have to get a sitter to watch lonnie.
crystal, then get a sitter.
no, no, you two don't have to take me out.
that's too much bother.
crystal, you gotta go out with us and talk this thing over.
otherwise, you know, you'll get home and you'll get all upset, and then you'll put on your patsy cline records, and you'll sit on the kitchen floor, and then you'll cry and cry and cry, then you'll call me up 80 million times and drive me nuts.
i won't call you, i- i promise.
i'm an adult, and i gotta learn to work these things out for myself.
darlene, pick up these paper wads now.
- but i gotta do my report.
- i thought that was due today.
mrs.
crane was sick.
it's not due till tomorrow.
and the forecast is for snow! - did you read the book? - snow! read the book.
- i'll get it.
- okay.
hello? oh, yeah.
hi, crystal.
what's wrong? yeah, she's here.
hold on.
roseanne, it's crystal.
she don't sound so good.
- thanks.
- probably has to do a book report.
hi, crystal.
no, it's all right.
no.
no, stop crying.
turn that record player down.
no, no, that's okay.
no, me and jackie, we're gonna come and get you and we're gonna go out and talk about it.
no, you're not stupid.
no.
okay.
all right.
okay, bye.
rOSEANNE: don't pick them up.
darlene's supposed to do it.
whee! - what's going on? - well, crystal's flipping out again.
- guy problems? - no, she couldn't get in to law school.
- she got dumped, huh? - yeah.
listen, me and jackie are gonna go get her, you know, and then we're gonna go over to the lobo lounge and help her out with her love life here.
so you're gonna desert me and leave me here with a houseful of kids? - yep.
- okay.
listen, and this is gonna be out of here in 15 minutes.
darlene, when i come home, i wanna see a finished book report on this table.
dARLENE: i know, mom.
i know.
- what are you gonna gonna tell crystal? - what i always tell her.
to give up on romance and get married.
worked for us.
okay, i'm gonna have one drink, and then i'm gonna go home.
tv ANNOUNCER: sWING PASS TO THE TAILBACK, AND HE'S CAUGHT BEHIND THE LINE OF SCRIMMAGE! - yeah.
- yes! - savannah.
- hey, rosie, how you doing? - i'm great.
- where's your old man? - i left him home with the kids.
- you mean, you got him to baby-sit? baby-sit, hell.
they're his kids too.
well, what can i do for you? give us a couple of beers.
what are you drinking, crystal? - oh, anything.
- give her a glass of pine tar.
i'll have a pink squirrel.
so what's with her? she lose another man? - that's why we're here.
- well, you tell her that pink squirrel is on the house.
oh, crystal, you're just so cute when you're morbid, depressed and self-destructive.
i can't help it.
when i met hank, i thought the dating gods had finally smiled on me.
oh, forget that jerk.
you'll probably meet another one within a week.
- you want me to run a tab? - definitely.
crystal's paying.
- i didn't bring that much cash.
- okay, jackie's paying.
here you go, doll.
on the house.
wAITRESS: i need two drafts and a vodka tonic.
okay, here's an empty table.
- might as well grab it while you can.
- thanks, claire.
you know, hank used to buy me pink squirrels.
all right, crystal, spit it out.
what happened with this creep? last night he came to pick me up to go bowling, and the minute he said hello, i could see goodbye in his eyes.
- what exactly did he say? - same thing they always say.
"crystal, you're the most wonderful woman i've ever known, but i've fallen in love with someone else.
" - i trusted hank.
- boy, not me.
them buffed fingernails kept me up at night.
why does this always happen to me? when i meet a man, i give and give and give some more, and then he takes and takes and takes some more, and then he dumps me.
well, there's a definite pattern here, crystal.
but i'm a nice person.
why does this always happen to me? well, i don't know how to tell you this, honey, but, well, you're a doormat.
- i am not.
- crystal, how many times have you been married? - i don't see what that has to do with anything.
- no, no, no.
how many times? - three.
- and how many times you had you heart broken? more times than i can count.
well, why do you think that is? because i'm a doormat.
you see what it all comes down to? it's your self-esteem.
oh, i never had any of that.
jACKIE: you're a classic case, crystal.
this is a lifelong pattern that will just repeat itself over and over and over again.
you're right.
you're absolutely right.
when a man pays me a compliment, next thing you know i'm married.
and then, before i can blink, i'm divorced.
and that is the pattern that you have to break.
you can't get sucked in to all those compliments.
- well, i can't help it.
- yes, you can, crystal.
you just need some practice.
listen, let's pretend that i'm a guy.
oh, roseanne, that's silly.
no, i'm gonna be one these studs over here at the bar, you know? and then i'm gonna come over to you and start coming on to you, see, and then you tell me to get lost.
- okay, i'll try.
- okay, i'm gonna be the man.
hey, there, little missy.
you wouldn't know how to fix a broken zipper in an old pair of blue jeans now, now would you? you're pathetic.
oh, you're about as pretty as a young deer running through a green field in the autumn.
and now you tell him to get lost.
please get lost.
oh, for crying out loud, crystal.
i'll do it.
okay, you be the guy and you do it to me.
now watch.
all right, sit down.
okay, here he comes.
hello there, you sweet young- oh, my! - jACKIE: hello! - rOSEANNE: hey! take a hike, pal, and crawl back under your rock.
get away from me, you weasel-faced geek.
see?it's easy.
you either learn how to do that, or you swear off men forever.
excuse me, is this chair taken? yes, that chair's taken.
quit bothering us! go on a hike! oh, she forgot to take her medication.
sorry.
- go ahead and take the chair.
- thanks.
get a grip.
lighten up, crystal.
he only wanted a chair.
look, first they want your chair, then they want your bed.
- they're all alike, rotten to the core.
- oh, crystal.
there are a few decent men left out there.
you mean, like booker? booker happens to have a lot of potential.
well, why don't you go tell him that? there he is.
ooh, who's he with? his mother.
- tv ANNOUNCER: tHE PASS GOES LONG DOWNFIELD.
hE'S UNDER IT, HE'S GOT IT! tOUCHDOWN! all right! another six points! blowout city! i hate betsy ross.
i wish she'd have sewn her fingers together.
- darlene, get back in there and finish that report.
- dad, you said you'd help me.
darlene, i'm not gonna read the book for you.
- i read the stupid book.
- then write the stupid report.
dad, she was born, she sewed a flag, and she died.
i can't write five pages about that.
please, those of us who did our homework are trying to watch the game.
- oh, shove it.
- hey! she didn't finish the dishes.
- you didn't? - i'm letting them soak.
please let me watch the game.
please, please let me watch the game.
all right, all right.
ten more minutes, and then that's it.
oh, yes.
- qUARTERBACK LOOKING OVER THE SECONDARY - NOW HE'S AUDIBLIZING.
- i'll get it.
tHERE'S THE BLITZ.
hE BEATS THE RUSH, THROWS hello?hey, rosie, how's crystal? - dAN: oh!oh!oh! - whoo!whoo! - nothing, honey.
- dad, did you see that play? yeah, i know, honey, it's way past d.
j.
's bedtime, but, honey, it's important for a young boy to watch football.
oh, honey, don't worry about a thing.
the dishes are fine.
yeah, darlene's in there pounding out that book report.
yeah.
no.
okay.
no, don't worry about us.
we're fine.
stay out as long as you want.
tv ANNOUNCER: aNOTHER FIRST DOWN.
okay, that's it, that's it.
becky, get in there and do those dishes.
- dad, you said ten more minutes.
- i lied.
darlene, get in there and finish that report.
d.
j.
, upstairs now.
but, dad, you promised you'd help me.
you're right.
okay, i did.
all right, no more football for anyone.
tv's going off then.
that's it.
i mean it.
oh! oh! baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby! iT'S ANOTHER bEARS TOUCHDOWN! oh, touchdown! - yes! - whoo-hoo! oh! all right, ten more minutes, and then that's it.
i don't believe that guy.
his mother.
what'd i tell you? it just proves my point.
they're all rotten.
- roseanne, give me your wedding ring.
- for what? - just let me use it.
- what are you gonna do? you know, booker, times like this i'm sorry i got a roommate.
well, you know, it just so happens that i live alone.
think i should call my roommate, tell her not to wait up? that might be a good idea.
- hi.
- hi.
um jackie, uh janine, this is jackie.
jackie, this is janine.
hi, glad to meet you.
booker, where have you been? i've been looking for you for three days.
- jackie.
- honey, are you ever coming home? booker, what's going on? i'm sorry to interrupt.
it's just that the kids have been asking about their daddy.
- the kids? - jackie, cut it out.
- is this your wife? - no.
- you divorced? - is that what he's been telling you? this is not my wife.
- sweetheart, what are you saying? - there is no wife.
- honey, don't do that to me.
- there's no wife, there's no kids.
- it's all a joke.
- no, you're the joke.
janine, come on.
wait.
- what was that? - you would pass up the auto show to take out that tramp? - she is just a friend.
- of your mother's? - give me a break.
- you lied to me.
- i'm sorry, i didn't think it was gonna hurt you.
- i didn't say that it hurt me.
i said that you lied to me.
- the way you treat me at work, i didn't think it mattered- - oh, don't give me that.
you know damn well the way we treat each other has nothing to do with the way we feel.
- well, how do we feel? - i don't know.
why don't you buy me a beer, and we'll talk about it.
i'd give anything to have a man as wonderful as dan.
yeah, he's all right.
what was the one thing that made you want to marry him? his sense of humor.
that and the ways his jeans kept falling off the back of his butt.
you're lucky you grabbed him in high school when the picking's were lush.
yeah, i snapped him right up.
i'd give anything to be back in high school.
- god, why? - life was so good.
you had hayrides and pep rallies, slow dancing with tommy martin.
i just thought my life was gonna turn out so different.
well, crystal, let's face some hard, cold facts now.
uh, pep rallies and hayrides stink.
and, uh, tommy martin's probably living under some bridge by now, and drinking wine out of a paper sack.
- no, he's a cpa in detroit.
- same thing.
crystal, you don't want to go back to high school, and, you know, man or no man, you're a good person.
- i don't feel like one.
- well, you are a good person, crystal.
you're a great mother to lonnie, and you're always the first person that comes running every time anybody needs anything.
and, you know, you're honest and you're hard-working.
let's face it, crystal, you- you are a vital, intelligent woman in the prime of your life.
you buying any of that crap? - some of it.
- well, that's enough.
tv ANNOUNCER: qUICK PASS OVER THE MIDDLE.
hE'S GOT IT, HE SCORES! yeah!yeah! - whoo-hoo-hoo! - whoo! what do you think you're doing? oh, come on, you're not still mad at me, are you? - i might be.
- jackie, please.
- please what? - you gotta forgive me.
i'll think about it.
all right, this is just an idea, okay? but why don't you come back to my place and forgive me? oh.
well, why don't you go back to your place and forgive yourself? - how we doing here? - oh, another round, claire.
oh, and one of them gooey cheese pizzas, a large.
yeah, coming right up.
thank you.
well, i seen booker's date just kind of hightailed it out of here.
i guess so.
i hope it wasn't anything i said.
- oh, i'm sure it wasn't.
- can you believe that guy? i chase off his date, he asks me to go back to his apartment with him.
jackie, don't let it get you down, because you are an intelligent, vital woman in the prime of her life.
- what? - tell her, roseanne.
- crystal's drunk.
- no, i'm not.
jackie, let's face it.
we are all good women, and any man would be lucky to have us.
and for the right price, they could.
oh, no, no, no.
you wait and see.
one of these days, the perfect man will come along who is handsome, intelligent, and has great character.
oh, look at the character on that guy.
"national heroine, admired, respected and then she died.
the end.
" - so, what'd you think? - pretty good.
yeah, it's five whole pages.
should be.
your wrote big enough.
oh, crane won't know the difference.
you're right, teachers aren't on to that kind of stuff.
- ooh, hi.
- dAN: hi, babe.
- ooh, what are you doing up? - i just finished my book report.
- how'd it go with crystal? - oh, it was great.
we talked her out of her depression and back into her rut.
so how's that book report doing? - pretty good.
- pretty good? this is great.
i worked really hard on this thing.
well, i'm so proud of you, honey, and i have really great news for you, too.
it's snowing really, really hard out there, and there is no way there's gonna be any school tomorrow.
no!