Weeds s01e08 Episode Script

Previously on Weeds: I want a raise.
Shane shot a mountain lion, he wrote a gangster rap.
Now he's making terrorist videos.
I have cancer and jungle fever and tonight one of them is going to get cured.
You have a husband.
-You got a man? -He died of a heart attack.
Crap.
Who would do this? Pennies! Somebody mad at you, girl.
He's got a karate tournament.
Good morning, I'm Andrew Botwin.
On behalf of myself and my absent father who's at the final table at the Foxwoods 2005 Pot-Limit Hold 'Em Classic.
Good luck, Dad.
Judah was what the world would call a man.
Jesus.
A man who did things.
He was an engineer, a husband, a father.
I'm not any of those things.
He was my brother, and he's buried next to my mom and Uncle Solly.
Two away from Walter Matthau.
And, well one day I'll be buried here too.
And some time after that, not very long at all, actually I'll be completely forgotten.
I'm next.
Fabulous.
So, what are you doing today? -Straightening up around the house.
-Where's Blanca? It's Saturday, Dean.
-What about you? -Golf.
-Where's Isabel? -Camping with her friend Peggy.
Is that right? I fucked a black man.
This house still reeks of Judah.
All you gotta do is touch a wall and you can feel it.
It's bringing me down, Doug.
Well, if it means anything, you really got me with your speech.
Yeah.
Sometimes God's words are inside me.
You wanna smoke out? Is the Pope Polish? -German.
-Right.
Make yourself at home.
Hey.
Lupita, order some pizzas from Amici's.
-Do I look like his fucking maid? -Pepperoni.
The stress queen's secret stash.
She keeps her pot with her tampons? -The box where men fear to tread.
-You got that right.
-What the--? -What's the matter? -What the fuck! -Rodents.
I just don't understand why I can't stay at home.
-I don't want you home alone.
-I wouldn't be home alone.
-Lupita's there.
Uncle Andy's there.
-Megan's there.
-Shut up.
-Quit it.
You're up, Shane.
-Is that who Shane's fighting? -Yes.
-He's a lot bigger than me.
-So you'll be quicker.
I'm not so sure about that.
He's a yellow belt just like you.
Now, get out there and be Agrestic.
Yes, go.
Kill.
Fight! Break it up.
Break it up.
I'm so unbelievably sorry.
Shane has never done anything like this in his life.
We had a three-hour drive here.
I forgot to pack crackers.
He has low blood sugar.
We just came from his father's unveiling.
Do you know what that is? An unveiling.
It's where they unveil the gravestone.
It's a Jewish thing.
I know, you're thinking, she doesn't look Jewish.
I come from Welsh stock, actually.
A lot of coalminers in Wales.
Not a lot of Jews.
I'm not Jewish.
My husband is dead now.
He was Jewish.
Here's my number.
And if I have to pay for tetanus I would be thrilled to pay for it.
Okay? Because I feel just awful about this.
Will you please say something? It's not my kid.
I'm just kidding.
I'm Peter.
Isn't that the way it works around here? Fuck somebody else, get a haircut? Don't worry, the chemo will do the job soon enough, darling.
No.
No.
I am sorry, but no.
Chemo is not gonna be another excuse for you to act like a selfish fucking bitch.
Selfish? This from Helen Chin's personal racket swallower.
And I am sorry, but no.
No, you may not use Helen Chin either.
-I have paid for Helen Chin.
-Well, look who's finally grown a sack.
-Do you hear that? -No.
-Lupita? -No.
-Must be lonely inside here.
-In the wall.
Yeah, it's gotta be dark in there.
Deep space.
Friendless.
Like an empty train tunnel.
Rats don't need light, man.
They got radar.
Man, I used to love trains.
I always wanted to be the train conductor with the little hat and all.
But somewhere-- I don't know where.
--I got derailed, ended up a bean counter.
With no hat.
No hat.
No hat.
Do you think there's rat spit in here? Like, plague rat spit? Are we smoking plague? -No.
No.
-Fire beats plague.
As soon as we lit it up, it was safe.
It's sterilized.
His name was Conrad.
I am not interested in names! What I am interested in, wife of mine, is why you gave away all your clothes and half of our furniture! But I could give a swollen rat's ass what that guy's fucking name is.
Good.
Get it all out.
We should've had this conversation months ago.
-Years ago.
-Fourteen years.
We've been married for 16.
Yes, but I liked the first two.
That's before you grew a gut, turned into a robot and bought this ridiculous house.
-We got a super deal on this house! -You have got to be kidding me.
What? -Look around.
-What? -Lupita, get back at the wall.
-No.
-Why not? -Because you say -Mr.
Judah stay in the wall.
-No, I did not.
-Yes, you did.
-That's a metaphor.
Hey, wonder if rats like peanut butter.
In Zacatecoluca, we had a ghost.
Senor Flores.
And he stay in the telephone lines.
Those are crossed lines.
You're listening to other people talking.
No, no.
We could hear him whisper.
And all the time he say: -"Where are my pants?" -Why'd he say that? Because he die without his pants.
I'm gonna die without my hat.
Andy? Andy.
He's coming toward you.
Mother! Goddamn it! -Look up.
-What? -Look up.
-Fine.
So what? There's no roof.
It's an atrium.
It's supposed to bring in light.
When it's raining, Dean and I'm in the bedroom, and I want a cup of tea I have to put on rubber boots so my slippers don't get wet on the way to the kitchen.
When the Santa Anas come over the hill in the afternoon and our neighbors are all outside, feeling the wind in their hair do you know what I do? I open the dining room door.
I open the living room door.
I then open the bathroom praying that my husband isn't sitting there taking one of his monster shits.
I do this so that the air conditioning can fake the sensation of flowing oxygen into our stuffy, claustrophobic, "open-air atrium.
" A room where plants come to die.
This is the dumbest fucking room ever built.
Isn't it nice of Tim and Peter to invite us out, considering everything? Shane? Silas? -Great.
-Sure.
So, Silas, is that one of those Sidekick pagers? -Silas has a hottie back home.
-Remarkable machines.
Little zeros and ones vibrating through the air, beamed back and forth by satellite.
-An age of wonder.
-Done so much for the lost art -of dinner conversation.
Hasn't it, Silas? -Yeah.
-Okay.
Tim, what grade are you in? -I'm in fourth grade.
-Same as Shane.
-You look a little big for fourth grade.
Were you held back? -Is the white lady home? -Did you see a big car in the driveway? -No.
-Well, then, no.
I love a woman with a mouth.
Now, I want you to use it to give your friend a message.
You tell her the business that she's in is the business she needs to get out of.
You tell her Agrestic's a one motero town.
You tell her that all real nice.
And you give her this.
-Pennies? -Oh, my God, finally.
-You the pizza guy? -Do I look like a fucking pizza guy? Is he getting the pizza? Nancy, what do you do for a living? Peter, what do you say, in keeping with the strange spirit of this day that we don't ask each other the usual standard questions? Okay.
Sounds like fun.
Stamps.
The licking kind or self-adhesive? Self-adhesive.
I love self-adhesive.
-Favorite body of water? -Mono Lake.
Yours? My bathtub.
Favorite fight song? -University of Michigan.
-My father went to University of Michigan.
How does that go again? We were at my dad's grave today.
-Well, that's-- -Are you married? -No.
-How come? -Shane.
-It's a long story.
-Are you a fag? -Shane.
It was just a question.
Don't kick me again.
-Apologize right now.
-Sorry.
-That's okay.
He's just having fun.
-Shane's on fire today, aren't you? -Sounds like he had a rough morning.
-You're very understanding.
-Thank you, Peter.
-How old are you? Tim.
Not polite to ask a woman's age.
-Is that your real nose? -Tim.
-So why aren't you married again? -Shane.
She was cheating on me, okay? Broke my heart.
Ripped a hole in me through which you could see tiny angels weeping.
Eat your pasta.
Oh, man! All right.
Oh, fuck.
Son of a bitch.
It's a nice motel.
-We stayed here last year.
-We? Tim and I.
My son.
Your son ate his foot.
Jesus, I'm sorry about that.
That was so fucked up.
Shane seems like a good kid.
-He really adores you.
-You think so? That's nice to hear.
Oh, Jesus, I'm sorry.
-I'm having a day.
-You wanna talk about it? It's not safe at home.
-What? -Nothing.
I'm sorry.
Someone threw pennies at my car.
Nicked up the paint job.
Yikes.
Yikes.
Who says "yikes"? I guess I do.
And then that fucking rabbi this morning looked at us like we weren't Jewish enough.
That pissed me off so much.
And you know what, Peter? Maybe we're not Jewish enough.
But I'm not Jewish.
Judah was fine with that.
You're cute.
Oh, okay, that was stupid.
That was bad.
I'm sorry.
-That's okay.
-No, no, no.
Not okay.
You might be, like, a great guy, but I am in no way ready for this.
I'll see you later.
Black guy.
Was he good? Very.
We're back.
Lupita, who's the guy outside with the crappy car? -What the fuck? -You said "fuck.
" -I was in my room all night.
-Move it.
Doug? -Doug! -All aboard! All aboard! Nancy.
Hey.
Where's Andy? Andy?! Hi.
Oh, jeez.
Oh, put it-- Oh, put your-- -What? -Put your-- -Put your-- -Your johnson.
Thanks.
Hey, how'd we do at the tournament? I brought shame to my elders.
-That happens sometimes.
-Miss Nancy, I have to talk to you.
Not now, Lupita.
Doug.
Doug! -I'm here.
Doug's here.
-Doug, you will drive yourself home.
-Uh.
-"Uh" is not a word, Doug.
"Now" is a word.
You will go home to your wife.
And you and I will never discuss why there is peanut butter all over my house.
Shane, stop eating off the floor, go to your room.
You're grounded.
There was a rat in your tampon box.
Hey, you know, Danni uses Flow Stop too.
Now, Doug.
Why is it always hitting with you? -Twenty-four hours.
Not even one day.
-Miss Nancy-- -Not now, Lupita.
-Good night, Andy.
I love you, man.
I love him.
Awesome.
-Miss Nancy.
-What is it, Lupita? This! -Where did you get that? -From the man outside in the car.
-Silas, go to your room.
-Why, what did I do? Go! I'm going out.
When I come back, this place better be fucking spotless.
The broken glass, the peanut butter, the dead rat, all of it.
Andy, you better be somewhere where I can't see you.
Lupita, if I'm not back in 45 minutes, call-- -Call who? -I'll be back.
Stay the fuck away from my house.
Someone's very, very upset.
Hello, pretty housewife.
Watch it.
You're gonna bring down the Blue Book value.
Thousand-dollar paint job you fucked up.
We'll take it out of the money you owe me.
-I don't owe you shit.
-I think you do, Nancy.
You're slinging in my territory, you owe me rent.
Alejandro, isn't it? She knows my name.
My heart is racing.
Delivers late.
Doesn't answer calls.
Says his shit's from Humboldt, and really, it's yanked in Pacoima.
Your customers have such nice things to say about you.
Slinging to Agrestic, slinging up at Valley State slinging at the office parks in Warner Center? Who the fuck do you think you are now, Al Pacino? -Know your place, lily white.
-I'm not going anywhere.
-Yeah, then we got a problem.
-I guess we do.
Then what do you wanna do about it? Our black guy.
Conrad.
Is that his name? Yeah.
Was he bigger than me? Nope.
That's a fucking BB gun.
My nephew got the same one.
Hey, don't point that there.
This dick does nice work.
I'd hate to see it full of holes.
-That's not funny.
-It's nothing personal.
Because this was unexpected.
But it's never gonna happen again.
-Okay, Menudo? -Menudo? You stay away from my family, you stay away from my house and you quit with the fucking pennies.
Okay? Shit! What the fuck are you doing?! -Yes.
-Hey.
It's Peter.
Is this a bad time? Is this a bad time? Where are you? I'm in my car at the punishment light.
Punishment light? It's this street.
It's a light.
If you don't make it, you sit forever.
It makes absolutely no sense.
There's no cars.
No one's trying to cross.
It's just put there to make you fucking miserable.
Right.
So, well, then, I'll make this quick.
I've been thinking about you.
And I know you're not in a place right now.
I'm probably not either.
But I liked meeting you and I would really like to see you again.
Maybe even without the hostile offspring.
Look, that's lovely.
And, you know, I'm not.
I'm not ready to get intimate just yet.
That's-- I get that.
I completely get that.
I just wanted you to know when if ever, you're ready, I'll be here.
-Okay, Peter.
-Great.
And thanks -for understanding.
-Absolutely.