Frasier s01e09 Episode Script

'I had a really good year.
So why not reward myself? 'So I bought a 48ft cabin cruiser.
'I'll tell you how much it cost me, '300 grand plus $20,000 for the custom teak decking.
'My problem is that my wife wants to call 'this incredible vessel "Lullubelle", after her mother.
"'Lullubelle!" I want to call it "The Intrepid".
'So, what do you think, "Lullubelle" or "The Intrepid"? ' At Cornell University, they have an incredible piece of equipment known as the "tunnelling electron microscope.
" This microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons, you can actually see images of the atom, the minute building block of our universe.
If I were using that microscope right now, I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem.
Thank you for your call.
And now, "Hungry for Chinese? I always" I'm sorry.
We're experiencing technical difficulty.
Let's go to a pre-recorded commercial message.
What's this? I don't do personal endorsements.
- The other personalities do them.
- They aren't doctors.
If I allow myself to become a pitchman, I lose all my credibility.
I am a wise man, a shaman.
Zip up your fly, wise man.
Whoa! Doc, this is a radio studio, not a bus terminal.
Look who's here, Noël Coward.
I hate to mix business with revulsion but Frasier, as usual, will not do this promo.
Love to, no problem.
Doc, with all due respect, you're an idiot.
These promos are easy money.
It's a question of integrity.
Integrity.
Hello! We're talking mucho dinero.
But the more you turn these down, the more Liver Snaps for the Bulldog.
(Barks) What is this with my name on it? The Hunan Palace gig contract.
It's how much they'd pay you.
- I'll change the name to "Bulldog".
- They pay you that much to read copy? Yes.
Bulldog adds his special touch.
(Gong) (Chinese accent) You will come, chop chop to Hunan Palace, where Peking duck is always extra crispy.
(Duck whistle) We're gonna get sued this time for sure.
Damn it! Put a dent in my bumper when I pulled into my parking space.
What happened to the tennis ball I hung over my space so I wouldn't pull up too far? He was bored.
He needed a toy.
Go ahead and throw it.
He'll run and get it for you.
He didn't think that was funny and he knows where you sleep.
A situation has arisen over at work, I'm not sure how it should be handled.
Maybe your objective viewpoint could be helpful.
Sure.
Should I publicly endorse a product? Oh, you mean like Cher does? Thank you, one against.
Dad? - What's the product? - It's for a Chinese restaurant.
What's the problem? I hold a position of trust in the community.
People do what I tell them to and I could be accused of abusing that.
The thought of a doctor selling things is distasteful.
What about Dr Sneezy's cold medicine? Dr Sneezy is a cartoon character.
The fact that he's a giant purple hippo should have tipped you off.
Take the money and run.
I'm tempted, mainly to keep Bulldog from alienating the Asian-American community.
I'd hate to compromise my principles.
You've dedicated your life to helping people, haven't you? Yes.
If your listeners were in a quandary over where to buy good Chinese food, your commercial would help them.
Try the food, if you like it, do the commercial.
That's logical.
Why don't we all go tonight? I better make the reservations under a different name.
I don't want any special treatment.
I want to be treated like I'm just an average working Joe.
Good evening.
Yes, yes.
We'd like a reservation for three at 8:00.
Oh, nothing till 10:00? Oh.
Well, then, uh This is Dr Frasier Crane, from the radio and Yes, I thought you might.
Thank you.
We're in at 9:45.
Did I say tasty? Tasty doesn't do justice to those succulent pot stickers.
And the Kung Pao chicken.
Ooh, don't get me started.
So if you've got a yen for Chinese, hurry to the Hunan Palace.
This is Dr Frasier Crane hoping we'll see you tomorrow on KACL 780AM.
I'm getting the knack for these promos.
Did you hear my "yen" ad lib? Yeah.
By the way, "yen" is Japanese, not Chinese.
I got a call from the Hunan palace the other day.
- Isn't that what advertising does? - Yes, it is, Miss Sour Britches.
Give me a little credit.
I please the boys upstairs, I got people to try a new restaurant, and I've helped a struggling immigrant family who came to these shores with little more than a dream, a few recipes and a wok.
- Dr Crane, what a privilege this is.
- Excuse me? - Bebe Glazer, Bulldog Brisco's agent.
- Pleasure meeting you.
I'm usually not this forward, but I know nobody represents you.
How would you feel about signing on with me as a client? - No, I don't think so.
- Why? I am flattered.
But I'm not really a radio personality per se.
I've heard those spots you've done for that restaurant.
You make me want to stuff my face full of egg rolls and I don't know what.
Thank you, eh but, I dine at the Hunan Palace frequently that's why I did those commercials.
I don't want you to advertise something you don't believe in.
- I am an agent, not a pimp.
- I don't mean to offend - You're terrific.
Here's my card.
- That's not necessary Give me back my card.
It is too refreshing to meet someone not seduced by the almighty dollar.
I would refuse your call.
I've got to go, flying to Palo Alto.
My daughter's at Stanford.
Ah.
Wait.
You don't have kids, do you? - I have a five-year-old son.
- You won't have to worry about it yet.
- Worry about what? - Tuition, innocent.
Ah, you're going to send him to a state college.
No, I had planned to send him to my alma mater, Harvard.
Ouch.
Kiss it and make it better.
Have you seen the projections for college costs the year 2010? I've got to go.
That plane is not going to wait for me.
Maybe we should talk sometime.
Let's talk now.
I think I can die peacefully without seeing the Stanford-Cal game.
I don't object to doing commercials, but I'd have to try a product first before I could endorse it.
Dr Crane, I wouldn't have it any other way.
(Bubbling water) Why am I here? If I do the commercial, I have to say my friends and family enjoy this.
I feel silly in this showroom.
I apologise, but it's the best place to try.
Aren't you enjoying this? I do like the bubbles.
It's a little like sitting in hot champagne.
Not that I've done that very much.
It's made from the same space-age polymer as the NASA space shuttles? Next time I'm re-entering the Earth's atmosphere in a hot tub, I won't worry.
Well, do you like it? It is making my hip feel a little better.
So my friends like it, my family likes it, I like it.
I can do the commercial and Frederick can go to Harvard.
Oh, my God, isn't that Dave Hendler from our building? You know he's the head of the Seattle Psychiatric Association! - That's not Dave Hendler.
- Shh, don't worry about it.
Enjoy the quiet while you can.
'Gentle, soothing bubbles, bubbles that will ease your aching body.
'This is Dr Frasier Crane.
In these pressure-packed times, 'what could be better than a relaxing dip in a Redwood hot tub? 'Let Redwood's patented 'Ultra-Blow' air system surround your body.
- 'My family and friends like it.
' - That's us.
'Lf you act quickly, you'll receive a complimentary scum guard.
'Hurry to your local Redwood hot tub dealer.
Say Frasier Crane sent you' - What did you think? - I could almost smell the chlorine.
- Dad, how about you? - I liked it.
- You REALLY liked it? - No, I liked it.
- What was wrong with it? - Nothing! - You hated it? - Yeah.
(Doorbell) - Hello, darling.
- Bebe! Mea culpa for dropping by unannounced you'll kiss me when you hear what I've done.
Oh Hello.
No, no, this is Daphne Moon, my father's physical therapist.
Oh! So, I was about to kiss you for something.
Well, I got a very attractive offer for you to be a product spokesman and we know they're serious, cos it's "pay or play".
You get your money whether you do it or not.
- Listen.
- How do you know? I must confess, there is a chapter of my life I haven't told you or your father about.
When I was 12, I starred in a TV show in England.
- I'll leave you to your business.
- Get back here.
You what? I starred in a TV series.
It was quite popular in its day.
Maybe you've heard of it, "Mind Your Knickers"? It was about a group of high-spirited ethnically diverse I played Emma, the short, spunky one.
By the end of the series, I was 16, 5ft 10in, and they had my boozies bound up tighter than a mummy.
Well, I'm off.
The woman is like an artichoke.
You just keep peeling away one astounding leaf after another.
Back to business.
What have you got? Voila Emery's nuts! No, I can't endorse these.
- Why not? - I don't like them.
- Of course they do, they're nuts.
- Sorry, I'm afraid I can't.
Well I will just tell them they can take their five-figure deal and find someone else.
- Five figures.
- This is for TV, the Big Kahuna.
Television.
But I understand if you have a problem.
Well, I l I don't mean to be difficult.
I only endorse things I like or that are therapeutic, like the hot tub.
Let me pinch you.
You're not real! Well But still, I wonder if you're not being just the tiniest bit short-sighted.
Research has shown that a single TV commercial can turn an obscure radio personality into a national celebrity! A year from now, you could be broadcasting your message of healing not just to the Pacific Northwest but to the entire nation.
But, of course, there's not much I can do about it if you don't like the product.
You can't be serious.
That's a nose people trust.
Your script! Thanks Jeff.
I've seen it.
You're going to love it.
"Two nuts are arguing with each other.
" "I'm a nut.
" "No, I'm a nut.
" That's funny.
"Hold it.
You're both nuts.
I'm Dr Frasier Crane, a psychiatrist, and I know a nut when I see one.
" I don't know about that line.
- Oh.
What's wrong? It's a scream.
- Maybe, but it's What's the word I'm looking for? What, "tuition", "retirement beach house"? I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
It's just that I want so much for you.
I don't mean to be difficult, but I'm not comfortable with this line.
Frasier, Frasier, Frasier.
- How long have we been together? - Six days.
Would I ever have you do something you were uncomfortable with? It's wonderful because you're showing that psychiatrists can be loose, making shrinks more accessible to people.
So I'd be doing psychiatry a service? You have a way of cutting through the baloney that knocks me out cold.
Oh dear, what does this mean, "Frasier comes out of his shell"? It's a A technical term it's a lighting thing.
You see, you come out of your shadow or your shell, into the light.
I have so much to learn about this business.
Niles, I have to talk to you.
What's that ridiculous tissue? They didn't tell me I could take it off, so I kept it on.
Silly me, I thought it was to grab attention so people say, "Are you an actor?" Affording you the opportunity to say you are an actor and then crow, gloat and strut in a way you could not otherwise do.
And the reason you have "shrink" on your licence plate would be? I have this commercial in half an hour, I don't think I can go through with it.
I'm afraid I'm compromising my integrity.
- Why do you feel like that? - My co-stars are almonds and walnuts.
Listen Niles, I need your guidance.
- I don't see this as a problem.
- This isn't selling out? Oh, no.
You sold out a long time ago.
Your call-in show was selling out.
You are such a purist.
OK, I can't do in-depth analysis, but my show helps thousands of people.
You talk about wanting to safeguard your professional dignity.
When you went on the air, you left medicine for show biz.
Like that movie star who let everyone look up her skirt then complained nobody took her seriously.
- That has nothing to do with it.
- Have you seen that movie? Maris and I rented the video.
I don't mind telling you we pushed our beds together that night.
And that was no mean feat.
Her room is across the hall.
Just tell me, would you do it? A nude scene? If it were integral to No! This commercial! No, I'm a respected psychiatrist.
You mean I shouldn't do it? No.
I'm saying it doesn't matter.
They've already looked up your skirt and they've seen everything there is to see.
What are you still doing up? Oh, geez, you're not watching that tape of that dumb commercial again! I can't get it off my mind.
Did I do the right thing? Of course, Freddy will thank you for it.
Watch it with me one more time.
'I'm a nut.
' 'No, I'm a nut.
' - ' No, I'm a nut.
' - 'I'm a nut.
' 'Stop! You're both nuts.
'I'm a psychologist, Dr Joyce Brothers.
'I'm here to tell you that I'm just crazy about Emery's nuts.
'So, if you're crazy about nuts too, pick up a can of Emery's today.
'Emery's, the nut lover's nut.
' I suppose you're right.
Dad.
Freddy will thank me.
Dr Joyce is his favourite psychologist.
I remember Dr Joyce from "The Hollywood Squares".
She was always under Charlie Weaver.
No, Weaver was always on the bottom.
No, let's see, Paul Lynde was in the middle.
George Gobel was on the end and where was Wally Cox? Wally Cox upper left next to Rose Marie to block.
# Hey baby, I hear the blues a-calling Tossed salads and scrambled eggs # Quite stylish # Maybe I seem a bit confused, Well, maybe but I got you pegged! # But I don't know what to do with those Tossed salads and scrambled eggs # They're calling again Good night, everybody! #