Home Improvement s01e09 Episode Script

All right, you're doing a good job there.
Now, do just what I do.
Real gentle, easy strokes.
Perfect.
Looks good.
Looks good.
Now go against the grain.
I don't have a grain.
That means you can go both ways.
Don't shave your lips.
Don't do that.
Now that's what I call a manly shave right there.
- Brad, stay out of your mother's stuff.
- I just want a hair brush.
A hairbrush? You never brush your hair.
What's going on? It's for his girlfriend, Jennifer Sadarski.
- Shut up, you dink.
- Easy, easy.
What does Mom do with all this junk? Well, number one, it's not junk.
It's women's stuff.
It's what makes women different than us.
What's this one for? I think she pinches something with that thing.
Oh, this is for taking her eye out and cleaning behind it.
Why does Mom have all this stuff? Yeah.
She always looks the same.
All right, I'm gonna let you guys in on a little secret, all right? Women, as we know them, are born without a face.
Bull! Listen to me.
Women are like a Mr.
Potatohead.
Yes.
You've heard your mom say every now and then, "Excuse me, fellas, I gotta go upstairs and put my face on.
" Huh? She scurries up here and draws one on with this stuff.
How does she do it? She outlines it like this Yeah, uh, perfect.
Then she fills it in with this goop, right here.
Just like this.
Dad, you look like Nana.
No, if I were Nana, I'd have the lipstick all over my teeth.
What is it about our bathroom that fascinates you guys so much? It's just way cleaner than ours.
You can leave now.
Go get ready for school.
Go on.
Mark, honey? Oh-ho-ho-ho.
Nice lips! Ew! Excuse me.
- Come on.
Come on.
- Excuse me.
What is all this shaving gunk in the sink? That's not mine.
It's Mark's.
Mark! What I wouldn't give for two sinks in here.
We've talked about this long enough.
I'm gonna put another sink in this room.
Oh, no, no, no, no, you're not! It's not that big a job.
It's a small job, honey.
There is no such thing as a small job with you, Tim.
First you'd start with the sink, and the next thing I know, you'd be ripping out walls and running a subway through here.
- I'd give you free tickets.
- No, honey, if we had two sinks, we wouldn't be able to snuggle up together at our one little mutual sink.
Oh, think about this, though.
With two sinks, I could sit at my sink.
You wanna snuggle, I'd go over to your sink, do the snuggle thing, and then take a subway back to my sink.
No.
- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, sweetie.
- What did you do to your hair? - Nothing.
Well, then, somebody put a curse on you.
Mom.
Jennifer Sadarski told Pete Schybner that she likes spiked hair.
- And does she? - Big time.
Hm.
Well, I think it makes you look incredibly handsome.
- Hey, sharp.
- Like my hair? No, I mean it's sharp.
Funny, Dad.
What is this? Do you remember when we got married, I promised to make you - a very happy woman? - Yeah.
I'm still waiting.
I brought you some brochures from Sinks R Us.
You just don't quit, do you? And to go along with those sinks, all the materials needed to make the bathroom of your dreams.
Tim, we are not gonna remodel the bathroom.
It is fine just the way it is.
Jill, in five short days, no fuss, no muss, I can put in two sinks, a couple mirrors, even a little make-up area where you can apply whatever gook you want.
- I am not interested.
- Including a brand-new whirlpool.
A whirlpool.
That is right, Mrs.
Taylor.
Let the six jets of the Turbomatic 5000 simultaneously massage your cares away and clean those dirty pores.
The perfect place to rest and relax after managing that horrible family you call the Taylors.
Oh, Tim, I would love to have this dream bathroom Oh, look at that one.
But, no.
There's no way we can afford this.
This can be a special Tool Time project remodeling, and they can use our bathroom.
Which means they will pay for all of the labor and almost half of the materials.
- They pay for it? - Yes.
What's to think about? We've always wanted this done.
They pay for it.
Let me do this for you.
Will AI be here? I don't see what that has to do with anything.
Will AI be here? I want you to listen to me.
AI is my assistant.
He assists me.
- Yeah, I know.
Will he be here? - Yes.
- And I can have anything I want? - Anything you want.
Ooh! What if I decide that I just want you right now? Well, it would be difficult without AI here to assist me.
Hey, give it back, dog breath! "L think you're really cute and I love your spiked hair.
" Randy! Give me that.
Come on, hey, hey, hey! It's all right.
It's all right.
- It even smells like a girl.
- So do you! - So do you! - So do you! - So do you! - Guys, guys, come on.
Brad, this is so sweet.
You know, I wore this same perfume when I was a little girl.
It's called "Tinkerbell.
" I think you've found a very special young lady.
I think she found a very special case of cooties.
Randy! Hey, Mark, where are you going? I thought you were gonna help me.
Mom, I like to watch them fight.
All right, bathroom's up to your left.
Holler when you get all set up.
Jill, this is so exciting.
We're about ready to start the show.
I'm gonna need that sample tile we picked out last night.
- I changed my mind.
- No, we decided on misty mint.
I hate misty mint.
Honey, you've been through a thousand samples in three days.
You're losing it.
I got a show to do.
We gotta get a tile sample.
You gotta make a decision.
I can't.
Which one of these colors do you like? I don't care.
I do care.
I do.
Oh, boy, do I care.
Which one of these colors do you like? Oh, jeez.
These are different colors? Apricot, peach, cantaloupe, Ioquat and kumquat.
We'll put them all together and have a fruit salad in the bathroom.
Oh, Tim, we gotta live with these colors for the rest of our lives.
How long could that be? All right, you can just take your gear right on up to the bathroom.
- AI, maybe you can help me.
- Oh, like he's gonna know anything.
Come here.
Come here, come here.
Which one of these colors do you like? I like the loquat or the kumquat.
Oh, come off of it, AI.
Like you can tell the difference with these colors.
Oh, yes, I can, Tim.
The loquat is sunnier, yet understated in a non-threatening way.
Hi, welcome to Tool Time.
I'm Tim Taylor, your host.
Today is a special program - it takes place in my own home.
Here's my lovely wife, Jill.
And of course, we all know my assistant.
- Howdy.
- Dandy.
Follow me this way.
We're gonna be doing a five-day redecoration of my own bathroom.
Before we get to started, let's meet our master plumber, Felix Myman.
- Glad to be here, Tim.
- Good to have you, Felix.
- AI, let's get to work.
- All right.
Well, as you can see, we've taken out the old vanity and sink, and we'll be replacing it with a new double sink model.
That's right, AI.
We'll be covering that sink and backsplash - with this lovely, pinkish sort of tile.
- I believe that shade is called kumquat.
It's ephemeral, yet graceful.
Just like you, AI.
We removed the vanity, and I found out I had existing galvanized pipes.
I want to re-do those with new copper.
In order to do that, I had to remove this section of the wall.
And for that, I decided to use a 20-pound sledge.
Uh, Tim, I think you might want to use our saber saw here to cut out that piece of wall.
That might make a cleaner, more efficient cutout, AI, but what would be the fun in that? Part of the fun of home remodeling is taking out some aggressions.
And there's no better way do that than using a 20-pound sledge.
Give way, AI.
- Well, Tim - Al? You wanna be careful when you're using a sledge I know that, AI.
- Not to go all the way through the wall.
- Why would I do that, AI? AI, AI, did I get that piece of sausage out of my front tooth? Yes, you did, Tim.
Dad! I think Mom's getting ready to scream again.
Oh, no.
She saw that concrete spill in the hallway.
No.
We made Mark lie on top of it.
Don't you worry about Mom.
Once she sees this whirlpool, she won't be thinking about anything else.
- About ready to go? - Yep.
In five, four Boy, that sausage was spicy.
Three, two, one.
We're in the final step of our bathroom redo, and that's where we install this beautiful new whirlpool bath.
To do that, we take it out of the crate, we march it through this door on upstairs, and we plumb it with Felix, our plumber.
- There's Felix right now.
Hey.
- Hey, Tim.
We can't get the whirlpool up the stairs.
Somebody measured it wrong.
I was the one that Hey, turn that, get that off.
Turn that off.
Cut, cut! Hey, I told my wife we'd have it up there today.
Today.
Hm.
The only way to get it up in that bathroom - is we got to hoist it up to the roof - What? Tear a hole in that wall and slide 'er in.
Let us know.
Tim! Well, that'll be a break.
Let's go, Phil.
They broke the mirror, they put the wrong tile in, we got a cement Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, what is this? This is what will make it all worthwhile.
Your new whirlpool.
Oh, Tim, it is so beautiful.
Look at the color.
It's perfect.
Not to mention seven adjustable jets.
Three speeds: Low, medium, and "Who needs a man?" Well What are we waiting for? Let's get the guys and take it up to the bathroom.
Well, darn it, Jill.
The guys and I decided not to take it right up to the bathroom.
Well, how are you gonna get it up there? See that little spot up there? Further Oh, OK, now.
Picture, if you will, looking out of your new whirlpool tub through a brand-new greenhouse window.
All I gotta do is cut a little hole in the wall there.
A little hole about the size of this tub? Just a little bigger than the tub, actually.
Tim, how could you order a tub and have no way to get it in the house? Because in the catalog they're only like this big.
Wilson, I need more hose! Don't we all, Tim.
Just tell me where the window is.
Back-ordered? How many idiots order a greenhouse window in the middle of November? What do you mean, you guess one more? Dad, what are you doing on the phone? I'm expecting a call! I'll be off in a minute.
I need that window here today.
I live with a very dangerous woman.
Thank you.
Think fast.
Who's calling you so early? Joey said Jennifer Sadarski's gonna call me this morning before school.
Oh.
First call from a girl.
Pretty scary stuff.
You said it.
Go for it.
Hello? Sure.
Bye.
She wants to sit next to me on the bus.
- Life is good.
- Yes! Tim, what did you do to the water? Nothing.
Felix and the crew ran into a technical problem.
- What technical problem? - I don't know.
They had to shut the water off.
But I've got it covered, don't worry.
I ran a hose from Wilson's yard, now we've got running water.
- This is freezing cold.
- Well, heat it up on the stove.
God Hey, Tim, you know that water main you busted? You busted? I thought you said it was a technical problem.
Technically, I was the problem, Jill.
I got good news.
We capped off that geyser in the front yard.
- Geyser? - There is no more geyser.
'Course, your front yard's flooded.
I'm gonna have a couple men sandbag that basement window.
Tim, the stove won't light.
What did you do to it? - Nothing.
- Oh, that was us.
- We had to turn the gas off.
- Why? Well, Tim, when you broke open that water main, we were afraid that you hit the gas line too, so we shut them both off to be safe.
Well, should we worry? Oh, no.
It's not like you're gonna get blown up or something.
That's it.
I'm packing the bags and going to a motel Jill, come on! Come on! Until you finish the bathroom or destroy the house, whichever one comes first.
It won't take that long to fix the water main.
All I wanted was your shaving gunk out of the sink.
A sponge could've done that.
It was gonna be one day, then five days.
Now it's what? 17 days, Tim.
And what have I got? I got a hole in the side of the house, a geyser in the front yard, no water, subzero temperatures, and a chance to blow up.
Honey, I think you're overreacting.
Aah! - Hi-ho, Tim.
- Hi, Wilson.
- Got your water back on? - Finally.
- Here's your end of the hose.
- Thank you, neighbor.
Beautiful night, isn't it? - Crisp, clear and cold.
- What are you up to? Just checking the expanding universe, Tim.
You got a minute? Cut your boosters, Tim.
Come in for a landing.
I did it this time.
Jill took the kids, left me, and went to a motel with them.
Hmm-mm-mm.
I don't know what gets into me.
This started out a simple project to replace a sink.
Then I add two sinks, and I rip out the wall Boom! Bang! I got pipes everywhere, water flowing out.
I got the water main shut off I can't stop this.
Well, Tim, you're probably just responding to the visceral male urge to create.
Visceral? Vis-vis Visceral? Let's just say gut need.
Yeah, that's exactly what it feels like.
It's a visceral gut thing.
I like to create, Wilson.
Everything I do, I want to make bigger and better.
Well, Tim, this obsessive desire to create partly happens because men feel inferior to women.
- It's because we can't bear children.
- I don't mind the boys that much.
No, no, no, no, Tim.
What I mean is, women can give birth and we can't.
Yeah, we sure lucked out on that part.
Well, I don't know, Tim.
You were there when your boys were born.
Birth is a miracle.
Maybe one of the reasons you get so involved in your projects is because you want to create something as wondrous as human life.
That's a neat thought, Wilson.
But the way this project's going, I think giving birth would've been easier.
Tim, I think you have company.
- Thank you, Wilson.
- Good night, neighbor.
Hi.
Hi.
Thought you and the boys were staying at that motel.
I was but every time I went into the bathroom there and looked into the sink and didn't see your shaving stubble, I got depressed.
I really missed you.
Um I decided that I'd rather have you and no water than water and no you.
Well, now you have us both.
The water's on, and here I am.
- I'm sorry I got mad and left.
- That's OK.
You know, it wasn't you that I was mad at.
It was just the remodel.
No, no.
I can't give birth.
It's a problem in my gut with a visceral thing.
It's really, really hard to explain.
Don't try.
- You wanna see your bathroom? - It is finished? Well, it didn't come out exactly like I planned but I'm sure it's not what you want.
- The grout's still a little messy - Shh.
It's perfect.
- You really think so? - It's even better than I imagined.
- Oh, Tim.
- Look at this bull-nosed tile - all along the sink here.
- Ooh.
And back here I was able to push the closet back to give you - an inset for all your perfume bottles.
- Oh! Oh, and that's not the best.
All chrome-plated brass hinges and fixtures Shh.
Just let me enjoy it.
Oh, look, this is so lovely with the moonlight.
This is the most romantic bathroom on Earth.
Oh, that's not the most romantic part.
Watch this.
This is truly a woman's bathroom.
Seat up.
Flush.
Mom, when are you coming out? I'm hungry.
It's not funny anymore, Mom.
Mom, you've been in there for seven hours.
We've run out of bad things to do.
Boys, clear out.
It's time for what now? - More power! - All right.
All right, Mrs.
Taylor.
We have that whirlpool surrounded.
Now get out of there! You're turning into a human prune.
Now get out of that tub.
Honey, I wait a week, then I start dating.
It didn't come out quite like I planned it.
Well, it didn't come out exactly like I planned it.
Well, it didn't come out exactly like I planned it.
Hello? Oh, there! It's just delayed.
Come on in, honey.
What the hell?