Married with Children s01e09 Episode Script

* Love and marriage * * Go together like * * A horse and carriage * * This I tell ya, brother * * You can't have one * * Without the other * * Love and marriage * * It's an institute * * You can't disparage * * Ask the local gentry * * And they will say It's elementary * * Try, try, try To separate them * * It's an illusion * * Try, try, try And you will only come * * To this conclusion * * Love and marriage ** One minute! Will you please turn it down? Thanks.
Turn it off! I'm sorry.
You have no idea what it's like having music blaring all day long.
Yes, we do.
That's why we came over.
I'm sorry.
It's just that the kids were home sick from school today.
Nothing serious, I hope.
No, just one of those bugs that goes around.
You know, where they're sick for two hours, then they make you sick for the rest of your life.
Coffee? No.
No.
Steve and I can't wait until we have kids.
Giving birth to a child must be one of the most beautiful experiences in God's universe.
I wouldn't know.
I was unconscious for a week.
I kind of miss that.
Mom! Kelly tied my face to the speaker! Ma! Excuse me.
The mistakes she's making! Maybe we should loan her some of our child-rearing books! I don't know, Marcie! I don't think Al and Peggy read much! I wish we could spend more time with Bud and Kelly.
I just know we'd have such a positive, creative influence on them.
And if I hear another peep out of you two, I am gonna tie your throats together.
Well, that's pretty creative.
I'm sorry you had to be here for this.
I don't want you to get the wrong idea.
Kids aren't so bad.
I remember, one Mother's Day, they surprised me with the sweetest Oh, no, that wasn't them.
I saw that on TV.
Oh, Peggy.
You know, it sounds like you need to get away.
I thought about that, but then Al and the kids would just hunt me down and drag me back.
No, I meant for a vacation.
Hire a babysitter and take off for the weekend.
We used to have babysitters, but word of mouth kills you.
What about your relatives? Again, it's that word of mouth thing.
Well, if you really want to get out of town, we wouldn't mind taking the kids for a weekend, Would we, Steve? Well, I The ones upstairs? It would be fun.
It would be good practice for when we have children.
You wouldn't mind? Of course not.
Oh, hi, honey.
Look, Steve and Marcie are here.
Yeah, I know.
I've been circling the block waiting for them to leave, but I finally ran out of gas.
Well, they've agreed to take the kids for the weekend.
Great! Yeah, so you and me can go away by ourselves.
You mean we have to leave? Gee, it sounded good for a second.
Come on, Al, we never get to go anywhere.
Honey, if I wanted to go away, even with you, it wouldn't be this weekend.
The fight's on Saturday.
Oh, Al.
You always watch sports.
Well, not this weekend! We're going away.
I'm watching the fight.
You're not watching the fight.
I'm watching the fight! You're not watching the fight, Al.
Oh, really, dear? It's not being carried on network TV.
It's only on cable.
Ha! And we don't have cable TV.
Well, that settles it.
Come on, Marcie, let's get the phone book and pick a nice, cheap little love nest.
This was your idea? No.
I can't believe it.
The entire weekend I have to spend alone with my wife.
Steve, you are the biggest- By the way, do you have cable? No.
The biggest idiot I ever met! You got me into this.
The entire weekend alone with my wife.
Al, why don't you just go.
Relax.
Enjoy yourself.
Steve, look out in the kitchen there.
You see that redhead? Try to picture her in heat.
I'm sorry, Al.
Yeah.
That and a dime will get you a cup of coffee.
Where, Al? Shut up.
I gotta think.
I gotta find a place to watch the fight so I can get out of this.
Al, I got the answer to all your problems.
Well, not all your problems, but this problem.
The fight is being carried on Spectravision, and I know who's got it.
This little place right across the state line in Wisconsin, the Come 'n' Go motel.
How would you know about a place like that? I've come and gone a few times.
With Marcie? Well, actually, before Marcie.
You dog, you.
Now, don't say anything to Marcie.
I wouldn't want her to find out about some of the wild oats I sowed.
So this is just between us, okay? Sure.
Hey, Peg, Steve just recommended this little place, the Come 'n' Go motel! He says it's a real passion pit! I don't remember us going there, Steve.
Marcie! I can't believe you forgot that night.
I don't know where my mind is.
I'm sorry, Steve.
I should hope so.
But I forgive you.
You're really gonna love this place.
Oh, gee, it sounds great.
I'm gonna make the reservation right now.
That was beautiful, Steve.
Oh, thanks, Al.
And thanks for selling me out too.
No problem.
Now, listen, this is gonna work out great for me, except for one thing.
She's gonna want some sex.
Now, do I watch the fight first, then give her a jump? No.
No, that's no good, because with that on my mind, I'll be all anxious and tense.
I won't be able to enjoy the fight.
No.
Best thing to do would be to bed her down first.
That way, I'll enjoy the rest of the day.
Now, let's see Fight comes on at 5:00, figure a half-hour for the drive, check-in, 10 minutes, another five minutes to go to the bathroom, then I pleasure Peg.
That should give me enough time to shower, eat, and get ready to have a good time.
I love you, Al.
Right back at you.
I'm really looking forward to this.
I think we'll learn a lot about raising children and they'll learn a lot about being themselves, and if we run into any problems, we'll get the answer.
One thing's for sure.
It will be a nice change for the kids.
You have no vote! You're staying with them! But, Dad, they're gross.
It's not my fault they moved in next door.
Shut up, Al.
They have their uses.
This is very nice of you two.
Oh, it's our pleasure.
The dog too.
Better and better.
Now, Marcie, here's a list of dos and don'ts.
And a very special don't: No parties.
Mom.
Especially Kelly.
It's a promise we made the police.
Come on, Peg.
We should've left two minutes ago.
Ooh, you're anxious.
More than you can imagine.
Well, kids, I think your parents are really gonna miss you.
Al, wait for me! Now, Bud, Kelly don't think of us as babysitters.
Think of us as best friends.
Steve, would you like to tell our best friends what we have for them? Not really, Marcie.
Then I will.
We have art projects and a game recommended by Psychology Today.
It's a game of role playing.
I'm gonna make a call.
I'm gonna use your bathroom.
We're having some fun now, huh, Marce? I hope you're not gonna be this way with our children.
I'm hoping our children will like us.
These children like us.
No, I'm at these dorks' house.
Yeah, give everybody this number.
They can call as late as they want to.
It's like death here.
Well, all in all, I think it's gonna turn out just fine.
Hey, Kelly, look! Even Mrs.
Rhoades has a bigger bra size than you.
Oh, gee! The room is beautiful.
Get in the bed, Peg.
Al! Peg, it's almost 5:00.
I can't believe the traffic.
Why does everybody always stop and watch somebody change a tire? When I wait in traffic that long, the least they can show me is some mangled bodies.
Get in the bed, Peg.
Take it easy, honey.
We have all night.
But I love you, Peg, and time's a-wasting.
Let's go.
Wait.
Let me check one thing.
Ah! Spectravision.
Okay, I'm ready.
Let's go.
Wait, wait.
We promised the kids we'd call them when we got here.
I don't know.
The mood is fading.
Gee, I've been there before.
I'm ready.
You know, Peg, this is nice, just the two of us.
We don't have to rush because we're worried the kids are gonna be coming in.
Ladies and gentlemen, Would you please rise for our national anthem? "I am the father of French impressionism.
Who am I?" Now, Marcie, let's give the kids a chance.
Marcie? Edouard Manet.
Right.
Marcie and I have and you have none.
Ha, ha.
This sucks, Marcie.
Oh, very good, Steve.
Did it ever occur to you that you're setting the tone for the entire day? If you're negative, they'll be negative.
If I leave, will they leave? You, my friend, are losing fatherhood points.
Besides, they're not bothering anybody.
Come on, Buck! Time to play fox hunt! That's my fur! That's my fur! Your engagement present? Bud, get out here! Now, Steve, let me handle this.
You're just upset because you paid for it.
Now, Bud, you know what you did was wrong, don't you? Yes, ma'am.
Good.
That will be all.
That will be all? No.
Just wait until I get this belt off, and that will be all.
Steve! We're sorry.
We're sorry.
You bet we're sorry.
Sorry we ever moved next door to the devil's spawning ground.
Can I go play now? Yes, sure.
Come on, Buck! Time for pearl diving! Pearl diving? Bye, Mr.
Rhoades.
Whoa.
Where you going? Out, where there's life.
No, you're not.
Your mother said if you were too sick to go to school, you're too sick to go out.
Well, how about if I have a party over here? No parties.
I think I saved most of our valuable stuff, Steve, And the rest I'm sure will dry.
Um, Mrs.
Rhoades, Mr.
Rhoades said that if it's okay with you that I can have a party.
Oh, nice, Steve.
Make me the bad guy.
You heard Peggy say no parties.
You have me deeply concerned, Steven.
Well, if I can't have a party, can I at least have a couple of friends over? I don't see the harm in that.
Do you, Steve? Yes, I do.
Sure.
Go ahead and call them.
I already did.
Listen, I really like one of these guys.
He's real nice, but don't make any sudden moves, okay? I guess I can dial 911 slowly.
Hi.
Hey.
Hey.
Hmm.
This is Sean, Debbie, and Dweep.
Dweep just got out.
Human life means nothing to me.
Marcie.
It's nice to meet you.
Just let me spread out some paper, and we can all sit down.
Hey, we was playing eyesies closies driving in.
I think you need a new mailbox.
Uh, Marcie, I think we're low on milk.
I'm just gonna run over to Wisconsin and pick some up.
Freeze! Come on, Ramirez! Hook him! Low! High! Cross! You got him! You got him! Get up! Come on, get up! Attaboy! He's up! Oh! Ramirez never should have got up.
Eight Nine 10.
It's over! Wow, what a fight! * 10 cents a dance * * That's what They pay me ** Hi, Al.
I found a lot of nice things today.
You know, I know we have Kmarts at home, but there is something so special about going out of town to shop at one.
This is great, honey.
Yeah.
I think the national anthem should be our song from now on.
When they hit "the rockets' red glare," you were an animal, Al.
I love this country, Peg.
You know, it's so nice being here alone, just the two of us.
I know.
But you know something, Al? I never thought I'd say this this soon, but I miss the kids.
What kids? Ours.
The boy and the girl, remember? Listen, honey, we've had a great time, but we don't need to stay the night.
Why don't I call Steve and Marcie and tell them we're coming home early.
Unless you want to do it again.
Sorry.
Well, Dweep, sure it's a nice ring, but I think that's why they lock cemeteries at night.
Shall we change the subject? Debbie- Sean, where are you planning to attend college? Oh, well, I was hoping to get a government job, you know, so I could sell secrets.
I love you, Sean.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, what's the plan? Are we just supposed to sit here and wait for these two to doze off or something? I'll get it! I'll get it! Hello.
Peggy! Hi! Yeah, we're still here.
How are you doing? You are? That's great! What? They're coming home! Oh, thank goodness! Thank goodness! You'll be home in an hour? Hold on one second.
I'm back.
No, no.
It's been our pleasure.
They've been little angels.
No problems at all.
Don't rush.
Yeah! Don't rush, Steve? Look at them.
It'll be dark in an hour.
Doesn't matter.
They're coming home.
They're gonna take these little heathens away! I can't believe you told Peggy, "No problem.
" What do you think's gonna happen the next time they wanna go out of town? They'll expect us to take the kids again because we did such a good job.
Next time, it might be for a week.
Then a month.
And then one day, they won't come back at all.
We'll just say no.
And then we'll be the bad guys, the bad neighbors.
No.
They have to see we're not fit to care for the little demons.
We're bored.
Why can't we have a party? Because your mother specifically said no parties.
That's right.
She did.
And if we were good babysitters, the kind people use again, we'd have to say no.
Yes, of course you can have a party.
Can you get one together in less than an hour? Sure.
Well, go for it.
Uh, Marcie, tell me this is your plan: You're gonna get them all together and blow them up, right? No.
This is better, Steve.
Just as the party's starting, Al and Peggy will be here.
And they'll see this wild party starring Dweep, and they'll know we're unfit.
And they'll never ask us to care for their precious offspring again.
Good news.
Raven and the Bloody 10 are coming.
Gee, they're tough! All right! All right! You get everything? I think so.
You take the towels? Of course.
Hotel pads and pens? Yeah.
And the soap.
Good.
And the ashtrays? Yeah.
I think we got everything.
Before you close the suitcase, you wanna grab theYellow Pages.
Al, it's Wisconsin.
Hey, you roll them up, they make a great log.
Ah, gee.
We had a great time, honey.
Yeah.
You know, this is the first time we've been in a motel room since our honeymoon.
Yeah.
We still have those towels.
Sixteen years and you haven't changed a bit.
You know, you look exactly the same as you did the day we were married.
Yeah, I know.
Aren't you gonna say the same about me? Well, honey, I bowl.
You don't do anything.
Oh.
Oh, hey, Peg, you look great.
Much too good for an old guy like me.
Oh, old guy? Come on, Al.
You're in great shape.
I bet you could have handled either one of those bums that fought today.
You know what, I think you're right.
Yeah.
You know, I got a pretty good left jab for a shoe salesman.
I tell you what I would have done with that Gonzales.
I'd have waited till he dropped his hands.
He always does that when he doubles up with a hook.
Then I'd have stepped inside, hooked to the head, uppercut, uppercut, uppercut.
If that don't work, I'd take the legs out! Aah, ha, ha.
Aaah.
Mmm.
Maybe we should call Steve and Marcie and tell them we're not coming home tonight.
Why bother? They said it's no trouble.
Oh, Al.
* And the rockets' Red glare ** * Things keep happenin' I can't explain * * I love to sweat And suck on the stain * * Well, I went to bed drunk With a girl named Flo * * I woke up sober With a buffalo * * I'm a fugitive I only live * * To pummel * This will show them.
Any minute now, they'll be pulling into their driveway.
You know, dear, they really are wrecking our home.
I know, but Peggy and Al will be home any minute.
I can't wait to see their faces.
Yep.
Any minute.
* I'm a fugitive I only live * * To pummel * * I'm a fugitive I only live * * To pummel **