Roseanne s01e09 Episode Script

dad doesn't know what's going on, does he? no, he never does.
hand me that spatula.
here he is.
he's coming.
he can't.
we're not ready.
mom, you got to stall him.
well, okay.
here.
do that.
happy birthday.
don't go in there.
why not? because alien life-forms have invaded and they're taking over.
good lord.
they're after the corn.
those fiends.
wait a minute.
there's something going on in there for my birthday, isn't there? i should've known better than to try to fool a man of your age and wisdom.
there's all these short people in there making you a birthday feast.
- they are?really? - yeah, yeah.
do i have to eat it? yeah, and you're gonna like it, see.
and you're gonna act real surprised, too, see.
do i get to still have my grown-up party tonight at the lobo lounge? if you're a very good boy.
hotcha! okay, dad, come with me.
what? where are we going? i can't tell you.
it's a surprise.
a surprise? for me? come on, close your eyes.
oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
happy birthday, dad! oh, you guys.
look at this.
you shouldn't have.
make a wish.
what did you wish for? how old is dad? oh, he's this many.
wow.
that's old.
here, dad, try some pancakes.
try the eggs.
d.
j.
: happy birthday, dad.
oh, d.
j.
, you shouldn't have.
it's my hammer.
- do you like it? - i always have.
oh.
yeah, that sounds great.
i'll ask my mom and call you back.
- all right.
- no.
you didn't even know what i was gonna say.
- okay, what? - that was chip.
- no! - he wants me to have dinner over at his house tomorrow.
- no.
- he lives on franklin street in a really nice house.
oh, okay.
chip says his parents get together before dinner and talk over cocktails.
i don't know if i approve of that, becky.
his parents talk to each other? mom, can i go? please.
i don't know, honey, it's your first date, and if you like it, maybe you'll want another one.
mom.
okay, just this once.
thanks.
chip and his mom are gonna pick me up.
now i have to figure out what to wear.
just try wearing a bag over your head so they don't see the way you chew.
shut up, darlene.
you're just jealous because i'm dating and you're flat.
yeah.
- oh, bite it.
- you bite it.
think fast.
dAN: i'm home! hey.
birthday boy, think fast.
not now, baby.
i can hardly move a muscle.
you're not supposed to be all sore until after your party.
i don't know how long i'm gonna last at the lobo tonight.
what happened to that party monster i married? you know benny, that new kid i hired? oh, you mean that with the washboard stomach? you noticed.
noticed, hell.
i made sketches.
the kid tried to show me up at work today.
if i picked up a sack of cement, he picked up two.
if i picked up six two-by-fours, he picked up twelve.
but i showed him.
oh, you know what? a good, vigorous massage is what's really needed to save the evening here.
now, where does that vinnie live? baby, i ain't the man i used to be.
yeah, but you know, dan, you were never the man you used to be.
get away from me.
get away from me.
let's face it, dan, now.
come on, now.
you kind of peaked at 18, where as i, on the other hand, have only begun to blossom.
hey, hey, i ain't dead yet.
there's still a few good howls left in this old doggy.
ooh! come on, let's go get your leash.
okay.
okay, mine next.
oh.
crystal, you don't have to give him anything.
you made him a cake.
that doesn't count.
this is my real present.
holy cow.
my company logo.
would you look at that.
you can keep warm and advertise at the same time.
i love it, darlin'.
thank you.
bOOKER: this calls for a toast.
dan, i work with your wife 40 hours a week, and all i can say is that i have a lot of respect for any man who can spend as much time with her and not get paid for it.
hear!hear! i'll drink to that.
yeah, but you'd drink to a parking ticket, dwight.
all right, all right.
many of us gathered here tonight may not realize that dan was actually rosie's second choice as a husband.
you blasphemer.
you swore you'd never tell.
yes, it was only after paul mCcartney got married that she settled on dan.
it's true, i was the fifth beatle.
yeah.
it's time to put your hands together for a great father, a wonderful humanitarian, and the only man i've ever loved next to john, paul, george, and ringo.
danny! i ain't gonna make no speeches.
hey!speech! i just wanna thank my special girl, the light of my life, the fire of my loins the washer of your shorts.
to rosie, who made tonight possible.
here's lookin' at you, sweetheart.
hey, bogart.
public place, man.
how about keeping it down? get a grip.
ah, forget about it.
he's crocked.
come on.
the pool game's almost over.
yeah, let's go get dibs.
you guys almost finished? - yeah.
- dAN: okay, here's our quarter.
we're next.
claire, who's the steroid case? oh, that's- that's bobo.
he's with the snowplow show.
they must have six of those rowdies in here tonight.
i can't wait till tomorrow when they all leave town.
claire, did you put my present for dan in a safe place? yes, in the back.
i'm gonna need help bringing it out.
so you keep dan busy.
jackie, grab booker.
daniel, what do you say we make it interesting? it'd be interesting if you knew how to play this game.
now, now, now, boys.
rosie, you did great.
this is a swell present.
you didn't even see your real present yet.
ooh, what did you get me? come on, dan.
the table's free.
hey, i'll take that.
we got next game.
no, no, no- see, this is our quarter.
that's funny.
i don't see your name on it.
just go sit down and have a seat there, hot rod, and just stop embarrassing yourself and everybody else.
aw, man, you've had a little bit too much to drink.
why don't you step outside and get some air.
you wanna step outside with me? i'd take on you and your hat.
jack, the war is over.
you can get parts for your head now.
really funny, man.
dead man with a sense of humor.
i got to go to the bathroom, dan.
i'll be right back.
that's great, dwight.
you go to the bathroom.
i'll rack 'em up.
dWIGHT: okay, buddy.
i don't think you get it, pal.
you want this table, you got to get past me.
well, that's fine.
hell, i got ten seconds.
- dan, knock it off.
- shut up, roseanne! - you promised me.
- you better mind your little wife, tough guy.
- dAN: don't push it, blondie.
- i'm leaving, do you hear me? i'm not gonna stand here and watch you do this.
you almost slammed the car door on me.
i thought you were gonna get out the other side.
not when it's wedged against the garage.
i'm gonna go check on the kids.
you're gonna go check on the kids.
that's right, have you got a problem with that? no, i've got a problem with you.
you broke a promise to me tonight.
the hell i did.
you promised me ten years ago you wouldn't fight no more.
- i didn't, did i? - because i stopped you.
i wasn't gonna fight that guy.
i had everything under control, then you got in the way.
- of what? - i was psyching the guy out.
i've heard that one before.
one minute you're psyching the guy out, the next minute you come home with your hand full of teeth and your nose broken.
what are you bringing up ancient history for anyway? ancient history? you shoved the guy.
he shoved me first.
what am i supposed to do, stand there in front of my friends looking like a weenie? which is exactly what happened.
i should've kicked that guy's ass.
thank you.
mom, you've been yelling at dad for three years to finish the utility room.
why is he doing it now? none of your beeswax.
so in other words, something happened, and you're not gonna tell me.
right.
did you guys get in a fight? yes, we did.
he wants to keep you, but i think we should give you away.
nobody tells me anything around here.
- my blouse ready yet? - almost.
what time is chip picking you up? any minute.
just relax.
i should comb my hair, or something, you think? they shouldn't see me like this.
mom, he's not going out with you.
he's going out with me.
i know, but my heart's pounding a mile a minute.
you're my daughter.
you're going on your first date.
aren't you excited for me? well, i was excited at first, but now i just wish i could get out of it.
are you nuts? what do you wanna get out of it for? chip's parents.
i've never met 'em.
i'm sure they're nice, but what if they hate me? or what if i hate them? or what if we hate each other? oh, my gosh, i'm so confused.
you got nothing to worry about 'cause you're gonna have a great time.
what if they serve me something that makes me gag? like okra.
just spit it out into your napkin, roll it up, and shove it in your purse.
that's gross.
not if nobody sees ya.
here you go- one blouse, medium rare.
thanks.
you wanna borrow my swankiest earrings? - the silver ones? - yeah.
they're on top of my dresser in the jewelry box.
i know.
how are we doing? i don't know, how are we doing? we've been better.
well, are you gonna meet chip's mom? i guess.
well, do you think maybe you should clean up a little bit? - do you want me to clean up? - you do want you want.
hey, rosie posey.
hey, dwight.
- hey, danny.
- hey.
- i got your spackle.
- thanks.
mom, you got to go upstairs and help becky.
she's having a major hair trauma.
what do i owe you? it's on the house, buddy.
i just come over to check on the slugger here, see how he's doin' after the big fight last night.
you guys got into a fight last night? - you could say that.
- well, who won? nobody won.
you don't see any scratches on us, do you? your dad needs me.
so, dad, you punched some guy out last night? nobody hit nobody.
dwight, hold this.
if you didn't hit anybody, how could you win a fight? your dad's just being modest.
he grabbed this guy, smacked him around, threw him over the bar- dwight, that's enough.
darlene, would you go and sharpen this for me? i'm listening to- do what i tell you to do? now, move it.
why are you lying to my kid? don't get sore at me.
i'm just trying to make you look good.
i don't need you to make me look like a hero.
i couldn't tell her what really happened.
what really happened? the guy was bigger than you.
he was younger than you.
you did the right thing.
i didn't exactly see you jumping in to help.
it was your quarter.
it was my quarter and it was my fight.
i handled it the way i thought best.
listen, if it makes you feel any better, i told some of the guys down at the hardware store.
nobody thinks you were a wimp for backing down.
- dwight, shut up.
- except ted, the key grinder.
dwight, get out.
i got to get some air.
i'll get it.
don't touch that door.
let mom get it.
oh, my gosh.
i'm so nervous.
just don't shoot any milk out of your nose, and you'll be fine.
hi, becky.
hi, mrs.
conner.
hi, chip.
you look nice.
i like your earrings.
- i like your sweater.
- me, too.
you must be roseanne.
i'm chip's mother, bonnie.
hi, bonnie.
nice to meet you.
you'll have to excuse the way i look.
i just came from exercise class.
dan! i want you to meet my husband.
oh, i'd love to.
so, you guys are gonna have a wild time tonight? nah, we're just gonna eat some steaks and watch some videos.
don't worry.
we don't have anything too risqué.
well, not on a first date, i hope.
whereis your dad? uh, he left.
why? well, he got mad at dwight and threw his hammer through the drywall.
oh, well, it is saturday.
well, i think we should be going.
- cHIP: bye, mrs.
conner.
- have fun.
- bye, mom.
- nice to meet you, bonnie.
bye.
darlene, watch d.
j.
i'm gonna go get your daddy.
- do you know where he is? - i got a pretty good idea.
- hey, claire.
- hi, rosie.
i knew it.
who's winning? hi, baby.
you wanna play? no.
i'll just bug you for a while.
what happened with you and dwight? nothing.
well, what are you doing here? we got beer at home.
i don't know.
i don't know.
i just can't let it go.
i keep playing last night over in my head.
i keep seeing that guy right in my face just asking for it, and i didn't do anything about it.
are you still mad? no.
how could i be mad at you? you got me off the hook.
you didn't really wanna hit that guy, did ya? yeah, i wanted to hit him, all right.
i just didn't want him to hit me back.
- well, i can understand that.
- yeah, well, i can't.
ten years ago, i never would've thought about that.
honey, what's happened to me? well me and the kids civilized you when you wasn't looking.
either that or i'm getting old.
well, you wear it well.
thanks.
you know, the only thing that matters to me is that you're here for another birthday.
mine.
hey, i love my present.
you opened it? it had my name on it, didn't it? well, it does sort of remind me of you- you know, old and rusty and all.
you really like me this way? not really.
let's get out of here.
hey, hey! it's mr.
tough guy.
listen, tell me something, 'cause i got to know.
what do you and your fat wife think of my new hat? just this once.
let's get out of here.
i can't believe you slammed your hand in the car door.
well, accidents will happen, princess.
tell me about this date.
i wanna know everything.
oh, it was great, but the dinner was awful.
i don't understand that, because i made sure i gave chip's mom a list of your favorite foods- liver, onions, cauliflower.
good thing i brought my big purse.
well, i've always said accessories make the woman.
- night, guys.
- good night.
good night, kitten.
let me see your hand.
- it's still pretty swollen.
- yeah.
well, luckily, you still got one good hand so you could take out the garbage.
i ever tell you you got a great bedside manner? are you coming on to me? not tonight, baby.
i can't move a muscle.
sure you can.
see? ahh!whoa!oh!