The King of Queens s01e09 Episode Script

Oh, honey, Soul Train.
Leave it, leave it.
- You wanna dance? - Come on, Car, I dance for a living.
Let me enjoy my day off, huh? But they're playing "Boogie Oogie Oogie.
" - This is our song.
- It is? You don't remember, in junior high, at Kim lanello's birthday party? This song was on, you asked me to dance.
Yeah, and you said no.
I was shy.
You gave me the finger.
All right, I was doing that to everybody back then.
Come on.
- Let's boogie oogie oogie, baby.
- All right, keep up if you can.
All right.
- You wanna watch SportsCenter? - Yeah.
Where's the big boy? Doug? He left early.
He had to renew his license.
He went down to the DMV.
Really? Oh, I was hoping he could help me shave my back.
Well, I could page him.
No.
I've gone two years, what's another day? - So, what are you doing? - Studying for my paralegal exam.
Paralegal, huh? I respect those people.
No feeling from the waist down and they still practice law.
God bless them, huh? What are your plans today, Dad? Anything out of the house? Oh, okay, I know when I'm in the way.
Dad, sorry, it's just that they gave me time off work to study at home so I wouldn't have any interruptions.
Got it, got it.
Don't need a kick in the Chiclets.
Can I eat this green stuff in the tinfoil? Yeah.
How about these things in the butter compartment? Those are batteries, Dad.
So they are.
By the way, I'm a professional driver, so let me have your hardest test.
It's the same for everyone.
Fifteen out of 20 correct answers are required to pass.
Please.
Let's make it sporting.
Shall we say, 18 out of 20? No.
Take the test over there.
You have 20 minutes.
Twenty minutes.
I hope I can finish.
I don't know.
Oh, that's a hard one.
Oh, yeah.
- Hey.
Hey, you're Ray Barone, right? - Yeah.
- Doug Heffernan.
- Hi.
I recognize you from your picture.
The little picture above your column.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I gotta tell you, in person, you look a lot bigger.
Bigger, bigger, yeah.
Bigger, yeah.
That's funny.
Great column today on the Knicks.
- Thanks.
Thanks.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
What? - You're a driver, right? - Right.
How far should you park from a fire hydrant? - Fifteen feet.
- All right, thanks.
What's the speed limit in a school zone? I know, please, I just- I didn't have time to study.
It's They started from this tropic port And drove 25 miles per hour Through a school zone When parking on an incline, what should you do? Beans don't burn on the grill Turn the wheels away From the curb When parking on a hill All right.
Okay.
- That's it, okay? - Thank you, thank you.
Yeah, yeah.
How long can you park At a loading zone? - What? - The loading zone.
- What about it? - How long? How long? "How long can you park in a loading zone?" I - Hey.
- Your test, please.
I was just- It wasn't- I'm finished.
Your license was suspended? It was Ray Barone.
Okay.
Do you understand how little that means to me? He was so desperate, he was begging me to throw him a few answers.
- What could I say? - How about, "No"? How about, "I need my license to earn a living"? But he knows the Jets.
Come on, Carrie, what if you were taking the test and you were being hit up for answers by Robert Urich? Robert Urich? Yeah, you like him.
Yeah, I liked him in that one TV movie where he was swimming.
All right, the point is, you'd give him the answers.
And you know what? If you can't admit that, then I feel sorry for you.
So when can you retake the test? One week.
That's all the work I have to miss, one week.
Well, I guess it's not so bad.
No.
As long as I'm home, I'm gonna get a lot of stuff done around here.
I'm gonna grout everything.
No, you know what you're gonna do? You're gonna keep my dad occupied so I can get two seconds of studying in.
Can't I grout? No, honey, he's driving me crazy.
Play cards with him, sit on him, anything.
- All right, all right.
- Thank you.
Hey, you wanna? - Wanna have some day sex? - Maybe tonight.
Six.
Here we go.
One, two, three, four, five, six.
Park Place.
I'll buy it.
Okay, couple things.
I already own it you're not the thimble and you rolled a five.
Okay, Scrabble.
Let's try to keep this one on the bed.
Doug, phone.
- Take a message! - Oh, no, don't! Coming! Don't hang up.
Really need to talk to a sane person.
Hello? Ray? Hey- What, tonight? Oh, my God, I would love to.
Yeah, listen, hang on a second, okay? It's Ray, you know, the guy who got my license suspended? Listen, he invited me out to a Jet game tonight.
Tonight? You can't go out tonight.
What about my father? Press box.
It's catered.
But he'll come up here, I know he will.
He'll stand there, looking at me, and say things.
Don't worry about your dad.
I'll turn his light out, he'll go to sleep.
It's 5:30.
Yeah, but he's like a bird.
If it's dark, he'll think it's nighttime.
- All right, go ahead.
- I'm there, man.
I'm there.
Yeah, listen, take the LIE to Woodhaven.
Yeah, you're gonna get off at Woodhaven.
Yes.
You make your first right- Oh, this is gonna be great.
I can't wait.
Ray, you didn't have to buy me all this stuff.
Look, I feel bad about what happened.
Hey, you sure you don't want the bobble-head doll? You know what, I'm not a bobble-head guy.
I know what you mean.
The head movement.
- It's unnatural.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- It's disturbing.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
That's a sweet ride.
- You like it? - Yeah.
Hey, you wanna drive? I can't.
Rack-and-pinion steering.
Whatever that is.
I don't get my license back till tomorrow.
Tomorrow's only four hours away.
Come on, go, it'll make me feel better.
Besides, I had that beer in the first quarter.
I'm not down yet.
- Maybe just from here to the bridge.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Right.
- To the bridge.
Good.
Let me get my brother.
Robert! Hey, Robert! Why does he get to drive? I'm letting him drive because he likes the car, that's all.
- Good, right? - Are you kidding me? This is better than sex.
Yeah.
Yeah, and it takes less oil.
Yeah, and the payments are smaller.
And I'm not stopping in the middle for directions.
Yeah, yeah.
And after I park this, I don't have to talk to it.
You know, I like this car, you never let me drive it.
This is a special situation here.
Oh, yeah, okay.
I'm your brother, and he's a complete stranger.
Okay, got it.
That's not it, all right? You don't understand what- I understand that he got a Jets letter opener and I got nothing.
What's next, huh? He getting my seat at Christmas dinner? Yeah, that's it, Robert.
I'm grooming him as your replacement.
You like to hurt with the funny, don't you, Raymond? Will you just relax, okay? I'm just trying to make the guy feel better, all right? Because of me, he doesn't have a license.
Are you saying he doesn't currently have a valid license to operate a motor vehicle? Technically, but I'm getting it tomorrow.
I see, okay.
Yeah, getting it tomorrow.
Okay, pull over to the curb, please.
Oh, wait, no.
Robert, don't pull this guy- Stay out of this, Raymond.
This doesn't concern you.
- Will you-? - Pull over.
Pull over.
Rob- - What's going on? - I probably should have mentioned.
He's a cop.
May I see your license, please? You gonna say anything? - Pick a lane! - Yeah, nice move, you moron! Believe that guy? God.
He really should've Should've picked a lane.
I really wish you'd say something.
What do you want me to say, Doug? You drove illegally in front of a cop.
Nice going.
Got your license suspended for another week.
Kudos.
And the $700 fine.
Well, that's just gravy.
I didn't wanna drive.
Ray wanted me to drive.
- He said it would make him feel better.
- Why do you care how Ray feels? I like him.
I think he likes me.
As a matter of fact, he invited me out next Friday to a- - What? - You are not seriously considering going out with this man again, are you? He invited me to a Rangers game.
Doug, honey, this Ray guy, he is not the man for you.
He's a good guy.
He's your kryptonite.
Look, I love you, and I wanna grow old with you.
Get away from him while you could still have kids.
Can we name them Ray? Hi, you've reached the Heffernans.
- Doug.
- Carrie.
And your man Artie.
Aren't here right now, so leave a message and we'll call you back.
Hey, Doug, it's Ray.
I'm so sorry, man, about yesterday.
You there? Come on, it's 6:30, you gotta be there.
Pick it up.
Be strong, honey.
Doug? Come on, Doug.
Hey, you had fun at the Jets game, didn't you? Yeah.
Did you have fun in jail? So, what about the Rangers game? We can go in the locker room after.
You can meet French guys with no teeth.
That makes you smile? Hey, come on, Doug.
Pick it up, Doug.
Can you pick it up? Pick it up, man.
Pick up.
Pick up, pick up, pick up.
That's my Dougie.
- Hey.
- Hey, what are you doing here? I went down to your work, they said you might be here.
How come you're not answering my calls? Ray, it's nothing personal.
It's just that, you know, I promised my wife that I'd stay away from you.
I'm not gonna be ignored.
Seriously, Ray.
I mean, come on.
Look, I appreciate everything you tried to do for me, but, you know, maybe we should go our separate ways.
No, look, I can't.
You don't know me.
I can't live with guilt, okay? I'm not sleeping, I got a rash.
Things are swollen.
Please, look, let me make this up to you.
Please? It's not necessary.
Not for you, all right? It's for me.
Hey.
You like steaks? I can send you some nice Angus steaks.
Oh, you mean like those ones from Omaha? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
They pack them in dry ice.
They're delicious.
- Heard they're like butter.
- Oh, yeah.
It's a beautiful meat, man.
It's well marbled.
Look, Ray, I can't.
Look, my wife will wanna know where they're from.
It'll start a big argument.
It's just- Is your wife on the lookout for new snow tires, huh? Would you stop? You don't have to do anything for me.
Look, tomorrow I'm gonna take my test for my driver's license, I'll get my license back, and everything will be fine.
Oh, all right, how about this? Tomorrow, I take a cab over to your house, right? This way, I can drive both of us to the motor-vehicle bureau in your car.
Then, soon as you pass the test, you can be driving.
- I promised my wife- - Will you, please? Come on, I need this.
- I'll meet you on the corner at 8.
- Yes, all right.
Thanks, man.
- Ray? - Yeah? Send one box of steaks.
Just sign it "Uncle Hank.
" - Hey, Dad.
- Don't worry.
Not going to interrupt.
Just thought you might want a visit from Mrs.
Lorna Doone and Mr.
Tea.
Mr.
Tea? I pity the fool who don't have a cup of this.
You get it? The guy with the Mohawk and the chains? Alrighty.
Never mind.
Anyway, this is just my way of apologizing for being in your hair all week.
Oh, you've been fine, Dad.
Hey, I know what you'd like with that tea.
A nice wedge of fresh lemon.
Beautiful.
Coming up.
Good morning, babe.
Hey.
So today's the big day, huh? You get your license back? Yep, finally.
It's been so hard not being able to drive my truck all week.
But as of today, that's all over.
I'm back in shorts like a real man.
Power! You need a lift to the DMV? No, I'm fine.
I'm I'm fine.
How you getting down there? I thought I'd walk and then play it by ear after that.
Sorry, sweetheart.
I couldn't find any lemons in the Frigidaire.
- That's okay, Dad.
- Wait, what am I thinking? There's a beautiful lemon tree right outside.
Yeah, but that's in our neighbours' yard.
So? Those bastards put their stuff in our garbage cans.
They don't like it when you steal their fruit, Dad.
That's why they got the rottweiler.
That's why I got pepper spray.
My baby's getting lemons! Eighteen, 19, 20.
Twenty out of 20.
Twenty out of 20.
Mr.
Man-of-Man-of-Man.
Yeah.
Hey, I even did a little essay on the 55-mile-an-hour speed limit for extra credit.
We don't give extra credit.
Here's your temporary license.
Your permanent one will be mailed to you.
- Thank you.
Oh, it's over.
- Thank you.
All right, I can sleep, my rash is gonna clear up.
Hey, let me give you a lift home.
No, no, I got- Somebody's picking me up.
- Oh, okay, so - All right, so, yeah.
- I guess I'll see you.
- Okay, good.
All right.
Yeah.
- We'll go to a game.
- We'll definitely do a game.
- Doug, look, watch it.
- Yeah, way ahead of you, I got it.
Hey, genius, you wanna watch where you're going? Oh, Dad, no, no.
"And so I sat, peeking out from under a pile of laundry, as that stallion of a pool boy pleasured my wife and sister simultaneously.
" Okay, I think I'm gonna head on downstairs.
- Do you need anything? - No, no, I just- I took a painkiller.
I'll probably just fall asleep.
All right, but be careful with those pills.
Save some for when you're better.
Hey, honey.
How's your neck? Any better? Yeah, a little bit.
I still can't believe you slipped getting off of a bus.
It's that first step.
It was wet.
The rubbing feels good.
Come here.
Oh, yeah.
Doug, what's gotten you so worked up? Your father.
Okay.