Home Improvement s01e10 Episode Script

- Tim, wait.
The sink is still clogged.
- I'll get to it in a minute.
Come on out here.
I want you to see this thing.
Well, what do you think? This is the frame to a '34 Ford Roadster.
- The beginning of my dream hot rod.
- Dad, this thing's awesome.
What's the big deal? It doesn't even have an engine.
Well, not yet.
I've got to build it.
I think I'm going to use a small block Chevy 350, stainless steel headers, chrome valves, pink rods, dual exhaust, glass honey, what do you think? - Well, you finally got your convertible.
- Honey.
Dad, am I going to be able to help you work on this thing? - You bet.
- No, no.
Brad - Honey, you have to finish your homework.
- Oh, man.
No "oh, mans.
" Do as she says.
When you finish your homework, then you can help me.
- All right.
- Hey, Randy! - You finish your homework? - Yeah - You want to help? - No.
- Where did I go wrong with him? - Don't worry about it.
He's not yours.
Well? Pretty cool, huh? Not much pitting.
It's really true and square, a little bit of rust.
I went through every junkyard in Detroit to find this.
I paid practically nothing.
You paid too much.
- You don't honey, honey - Tim, you promised me - This is a dream this is a dream - You were gonna help me finish of mine since I was a kid.
Since I was a kid I wanted a hot rod.
Not a pro street rod, nothing fancy, just a driver, man.
When I get done, every bolt, every weld, every detail is going to be built by these hands.
I'll be part of it, it'll be part of me.
Honey, I do understand.
Now, I want you to come in and be part of our sink.
I know it seems like a rusted piece of junk - Tim, it is a rusted piece of junk.
- To you.
But to me, it looks like this.
You actually see a car in that picture? - It's under Rita.
- Rita! She's the pro stock girl.
They just use her to make the car look good.
And a darn fine job she's doing, too.
Boy, isn't she ever.
Boy, you know what I've got to do is get the rust off this first, sandblast through the expensive I'm going to try - What are you doing with those? - I'm going to unplug the sink.
You can't unplug a sink with needle nose pliers.
I'm going to use the pliers to get your screwdriver out of the drain.
- Why is my screwdriver in the drain? - I used it to unclog the sink.
What?! You used a screwdriver? Yeah, well, I tried the plunger and it didn't work, so I decided I should stab the guck.
"Stab the guck" with a Binford nickel-plated screwdriver? Yeah.
Why don't you just go back to your hot rod and let me take care of this? Ugh right.
Next thing you know you'll be jamming my band saw down there.
I might.
What's a band saw? Never mind.
I'll get my tools, drain, sink, screwdriver - Son of a gun - Are you guys fighting? - Yes! - No.
Honey, it's real noisy down here.
Why don't you just go upstairs and finish your homework up there? Jill, come over here.
I'm going to teach you some basic plumbing.
No, no, no, Tim.
You are not teaching.
Look, you've got to learn basic plumbing.
What would happen if I die? And all the plumbers are dead? Yes.
Tim, every time you try to teach me anything, - you get impatient and you end up yelling.
- When was the last time I yelled at you? When you showed me how to assemble the patio furniture.
You snapped the heads right off the bolts.
You told me to turn the wrench as hard as I could.
Most people would stop turning when the wood starts cracking.
I would've heard the wood cracking if you hadn't been yelling.
- L wasn't yelling - You were yelling! Plumbing is very simple.
It's easy to learn if you just pay attention.
- If I pay attention, will you be patient? - And you won't ask any stupid questions? - Fine.
- Fine.
OK, first thing we want to do is remove the trap.
The curved thingy? Well, that would be the technical term.
To remove the trap, we have to have the proper tool.
For that, we use the trusty monkey wrench.
You'll notice one side is fixed, it's serrated on both sides Why do they call it a monkey wrench? They call it a monkey wrench because even a monkey can use it.
Thank you, cheetah.
OK, now put the wrench on the coupling at the end of the trap.
- You mean this thing here? - No, no, no That that connects the elbow to the drain pipe and the flange.
"Flange"? Who comes up with all these stupid names? I'm sorry, honey.
It's the little silvery thingy at the bottom, right down in You don't have to be sarcastic, you know.
You're using all these technical terms.
- This is practically baby talk.
- Oh, oh, excuse me.
I guess I forgot that Mark's first three words were "Mommy," "Daddy," and "flange.
" - Give me the wrench, I'll do it.
- Fine, you do it.
OK, fine, I will.
At least I know what I'm doing.
Ow! Is that the coupling or the flange? That sink's working pretty good, isn't it? - Uh-huh.
- Water's running freely, no clogs Things got kind of heated between us today, didn't they? - Yeah, they did.
- Well, I'd like to clear the air.
I apologize, and I'm sorry.
Thank you.
Apology accepted.
- And you? - And me what? - Don't you want to apologize to me? - For what? - For yelling at me.
- But I didn't yell at you.
You yelled at me.
That's because you dropped a screwdriver down the sink.
I don't think you realize that I worked two hours on this sink.
But I worked two hours on the sink before you did.
Worked? You just threw tools down there.
I was trying to fix it.
If you wanted to fix it, you should learn how to do it properly.
Well, why should I learn how to do it, when you already know how to do it properly? Honey, I thought we share responsibilities here.
- We do.
- Well, I learned how to do the laundry, Separate the colors, put the fabric softener in No, wait.
Wait a minute.
When was the last time that you did the laundry, Tim? You know, that's this isn't the point.
The point is, I learned how to do it.
I don't see you out there changing spark plugs.
Do you want me to go out and change the spark plugs? - You don't know how to do it.
- That's why I don't do it.
- Hey, where're you going? - I'm leaving.
I'm not done talking yet.
It's not my fault that you never learned how to finish a conversation.
Now that we've finished the construction of our trestle table, let's begin the finish and sanding.
For that, I'm going to discuss two different kinds of sanders.
Your belt sander, which is very powerful and perfect for the rough sanding, and your orbital, or vibrating sander, which is smaller and perfect for putting in your pocket.
Right, Al? I wouldn't know, Tim.
I am kidding about that.
I am kidding.
Never, ever, put electrical devices in your pants.
All right, before we get going here, I'd like to ask you fellas a few questions if I could.
It is the 90's, and women expect us to help a little bit around the house, don't they? - Maybe we should.
Should we? - Yeah.
Hey, come on.
You know we should help around the house, right? Yeah, you know the problem is, women want us to help with their work, but do they help with our work? No! They expect us to do the laundry, clean the oven, mop the floor, huh, right? Do you ever see her out there gapping and changing a spark plug? No! Unclogged a drain? No! Their excuse is "Well, you know about this stuff, I don't.
I could break a nail.
" This is an excuse, women, and you're not the type to have excuses.
You need to be taught.
And I don't think you're stupid, just because you don't know anything.
No, that that didn't come out right.
I don't want to get any cards and letters over that, right, AI? That's Tim Taylor, care of Tool Time, P.
O.
Box 327 AI, I think they know the address.
This is gonna be different because on next week's show, I've invited a group of women in, and I'm going to teach then basic home repair using a simple language even women can understand.
- P.
O.
Box 32733 - No, I didn't mean to give the impression that women are simple.
No, that's not what I mean.
I mean, it's not a woman's fault that they grew up spending half their time playing with plastic ovens and dolls, and don't know a thing about tools.
Right, AI? All right, we're going to finish sanding that table now.
We've got our belt attached with a rough grip.
And we want to plug the thing in now.
Of course, you'll want to be sure the trigger switch is not locked in the "on" position.
Any idiot knows that, AI.
All right, good.
Thanks a lot, Dad.
That was fun.
- You did a good job.
- Thanks.
Are you ready for that test today? - I guess so.
- What do you mean you guess so? It's not fair.
I study twice as hard as Randy does - he gets A's and I get C's.
Certain things he does better, certain things you do better.
- You kick his butt in basketball, don't you? - Yeah.
To me it's the effort you put into things, not just the grade that counts.
- So it's OK if I flunk? - No.
I don't want you living here when you're 25.
"Dad, you wanna shave together or somethin'? Come on.
" Dad I'm kidding.
You're gonna do fine on that test.
- School bus is here! - So long, Dad.
- Good luck on your test, honey.
- Bye, Mom.
Bye-bye.
I'll get that.
Hello.
Yeah, it's me.
What do you mean we don't have any women in the audience today? Two? Well, didn't you put up the address on the screen? Hate mail? We gotta have women in that audience.
I don't care how you do it.
I need a full audience of women.
Thanks, Lisa.
- Problem? - Huh? Ah, just a minor setback.
I didn't get the response from the female viewers I thought I would.
Maybe 'cause they're all home playing with their dolls and plastic ovens.
I'm going down to the studio.
I, for one, am not going to miss this very special Tool Time.
You don't have 40 friends you can bring with you, do you? Hey, Wilson.
Wilson.
Wilson, you all right? - Just fine - Agh! I see you've met my scarecrow - Oliver.
I always try to flameproof him before I put him away for winter.
- Wilson, I've got a little problem.
- Mm-hmm.
I've gotta teach a bunch of women some home repair tips today on Tool Time.
Uh-huh.
And these women worry you? If they're anything like Jill, they do.
We got into this big argument when I tried to teach her some basic plumbing.
Mm-hmm Just simple stuff, you know Coupling, flange, the trap.
Well, Tim, I think the problem might be your metamessage.
That would be message with meta on the front of it.
Yes, sirree Bob.
Two M's, three E's, two A's, two S's P and a lonely little G.
You have an awful lot of spare time, don't you Wilson? You see, Tim, when men teach women, they tend to use complicated, technical terms to make themselves appear superior.
Thus saying to the woman, you are inferior.
That's what I'll do on Tool Time today.
No metamessages keep it simple.
Hi, everybody, and welcome to this special edition - The Ladies of Tool Time.
Hey! Normally we get the show going with a big hearty grunt to get those lungs open.
Come on everybody Arg, arg, arg, arg! Where is Irma? Yeah I drove all the way from Langton to see Cooking with Irma.
Well settle down for a minute.
We played a little trick on you.
We took the normal Tool Time audience and they're watching Cooking with Irma and we brought you ladies in here for a little treat.
Hey, I don't care about no tools.
I came down here to learn to cook.
I'm confused.
You mean lrma's not going to show us how to make crab curry? No Wha-what's going to happen I'm gonna show you how to repair three very typical household problems.
Oh, a clogged sink a bad electrical connection, the running toilet.
Oh, my God Hey, you get to keep those hats.
Those hats are yours.
Hey, there's the spirit.
Oh, we need three volunteers right away.
- I'll volunteer.
- OK.
You had your hand up.
Let's get her down with some applause here.
OK, we need one more volunteer.
You had your hand up, didn't you, ma'am? No, I didn't.
Oh, come on.
You look like the kind of woman that wants to learn this stuff.
Give her a round of applause.
Get her out here - come on! We've got our three volunteers.
What do you say we meet our helpers? - Your name? - My name is Greta Post.
- OK, Greta, are you married? - No, I'm still looking for Mr.
Right.
How do you feel about beards? Oh, I like them.
Ma'am, your name? Rita.
You look pretty happy.
You must be happily married.
Yes, but I'm kind of planning a divorce.
- Excuse me, ma'am, your name? - Judith Potter.
Hello, Judith Potter.
Are you married? and what a happy time that must've been.
Let's start with you, Greta.
Step over to the sink here.
Your typical clog AI, could we have a little breathing room in here, please? Excuse me.
Want me to get you a magazine or something, AI? This is your typical sink clog, with yucky hair and grease, that I want to thank the crew of Tool Time for providing all that hair and grease.
Thanks, guys.
- All right.
- Am I gonna have to touch it? To get it out of there, you have to yank it out of there.
Would you like me to get you some gloves, Greta? - Oh, could you, AI? - Right away.
Why don't you get that picnic basket and a bottle of wine while you're back there? While we're waiting for AI, maybe Judith can help me work on this running toilet.
I know it probably sounds complicated, but it's not.
Take the lid off You follow the rod 'till you get this little puffy ball right on the end here - Puffy ball? - Right.
On the end You mean the float arm that's attached to the ball cock? - I was trying to make it simple.
- You saying I'm simple? No.
No, I'm trying to use a language we would all understand.
Then you want to take your flat-tip screwdriver - make your adjustment.
- You don't need all that.
- The proper way to do it - You don't need all that.
- You gotta If the toilet is running, you just grab the rod - and bend it.
- Ouch! Looks like that's not the first rod you've bent.
Whoo-hoo, you've got that right.
Hey, we can't wait around for our husbands to get off the couch and do something useful, can we? Hey, you doggone right! I know it can't happen.
Well, looks like Greta's got those gloves.
Let's check on that clog, shall we? - Want to handle that clog? - I can't do this.
- Oh, sure you can, Greta.
- Would you like to sit down and rest? What?! Well, I think I would.
Can I get you a soda? Hey, uh Uh you want me to fix the sink? No, Judith, you've done a good job.
You bent that rod perfectly, you know? Give her a big round of applause, everybody.
OK.
Well, Rita, how would you like to help me unclog this sink? No, I don't think it's a good idea.
My husband always yells at me a lot when he tries to teach me something.
That's probably because he used metamessages.
That's making things sound more complicated than they are.
Using technical jargon to make women feel inferior.
And I'm sure he didn't know he was doing that and I'm sure he's real sorry that he did that.
Well, uh I wouldn't mind learning, if my husband were as patient and understanding as you are.
Although, I must say, he is your biggest fan.
- Brad, how did that test go today? - I tried my best.
Is the grade at least within the first four letters of the alphabet? Come on, Brad.
How did you do? I was hoping to get a C, but I didn't.
- That's all right.
- Ah.
- I got a C plus! - All right! - Good work.
- Effort, buddy.
The effort.
- Nice going, jerk ball.
- Thanks a lot, doof.
Get me a soda, will ya? Dad, are we going to be able to work on the hot rod? Yeah.
But you've got to change your clothes, all right? All right.
So, um Tim you were a pretty good teacher today.
- Well, you were my best student.
- I was your only student.
But I really did learn something, so I decided to give you something.
- Yeah? - I know how much you like that picture of the hot rod.
The picture in the magazine with Rita in it? - Yeah.
- Really? - Sol had it blown up.
- What a sport.
Well, looky there.
There's a car in that picture.
Yeah! Pink slips, pal.
Nine grand, whole shot.
Ah! Missed a shift.
What are you doing? Just checkin' out that frame, honey.
You are not.
You're pretending to drive.
Well, maybe I was.
- Is there room for two in there? - Wanna go for a spin? Love too.
- All leather Recaros.
- Ooo - Yeah.
- Thank you Watch the paint.
Unlock my door, please? High output ignition system.
- Pretty nice, huh? - Very nice.