Married with Children s01e10 Episode Script

* Love and marriage * * Go together like * * A horse and carriage * * This I tell ya, brother * * You can't have one * * Without the other * * Love and marriage * * It's an institute * * You can't disparage * * Ask the local gentry * * And they will say It's elementary * * Try, try, try To separate them * * It's an illusion * * Try, try, try And you will only come * * To this conclusion * * Love and marriage ** Al, I'm doing the lottery.
I need a number.
Twenty-three.
I don't like 23.
Why? It was your waist size once.
Come on, Al.
Give me a real number.
Twenty-three is a real number.
What have you got against 23? Well, you were born on the 23rd and we married on the 23rd.
Seventeen.
No, Kelly already picked 17.
I need something closer to 20.
Yeah, so do I.
Okay, fine.
I'll pick it myself.
But I'm telling you something, when we win the $38 million, I am keeping every penny.
Yeah, you'd live a long time, Peg.
What are you reading? I'm not gonna tell you.
Every time I'm reading a magazine, and I see something I think you might like and I say, "Peg, look at this," you know what you do? You take the magazine, you look at what I showed you, then you sit down and read the magazine and I never get it back.
Not this time.
Ah, Peg, look at this.
Oh, another fishing catalog.
What am I looking at, Al? The apron that says, "He catches 'em, I cook 'em, he eats 'em, I love him"? You'd wear it, but you wouldn't mean it.
I was talking about the 51/2 foot linear graphite bait casting rod with the high-speed star drag level wind reel.
Yippy skip.
And a mere $275.
Oh, Al, let's buy it.
We can do without food and heat for a year.
You wouldn't mind? Al, you want everything.
When was the last time you bought me something? Oh, I suppose these pots and pans are mine.
I'm sorry, Al.
It's been so long since I wore them dancing, I forgot they were even here.
I'll get it.
Ooh, they have clothes in here.
Morning.
Hi, Steve.
Hi, Al.
Glad I caught you before you left for work.
I need a ride home tonight.
Why can't Marcie take you? Saddle in the shop? Marcie needs the car tonight for a women's group meeting.
What do they do, all pile in and look for men to run over? Room for one more? What do you say, Al? Ah, sure, why not.
Meet me at the store.
Oh, wait a second, Steve.
I can't.
I'm coming home late.
I'm playing poker tonight.
Oh, gee, Al, that's great.
Another night I don't get to go out and do anything.
Thank you, honey.
Honey, you don't want to go out on Friday night.
Everyone and his wife is out on Friday.
Well, if it's okay with you, I don't mind tagging along.
Since we moved in, I haven't met a lot of guys in the neighborhood, besides you.
And it might be nice to meet somebody besides you.
Fine.
And you might pick up a few pointers watching the old master play.
Oh, yeah.
Why don't you ask the old master about the time they picked him so clean, he had to push the old car home.
Peg, now, I was off my game that night.
I was nervous, I couldn't concentrate on my cards what with you being in the hospital having Bud and all.
This time will be different.
This time I have a goal.
See, all the money that I make is gonna go towards that fishing rod and reel.
You ought to see it, Steve.
Peg, give me the catalog.
I'm reading it, Al.
You ought to see it.
It's great, Steve, and it's only $275.
Al This is none of my business or anything, but if you really want something, I've found the best way to get it is through saving.
At the bank we have a little saying: "If you want to save money Save money.
" Thank you, Steve.
You're so much wiser than all the other tellers I've met.
All except the automated ones.
I'm not gonna be a teller for long.
You may laugh at me- And I do.
but I have a way with money.
I know how to save, I know how to invest and I know how to make money grow.
Give me five dollars, and I can find opportunities other people miss with hundreds.
Yeah, give Al five dollars and you've just cashed his paycheck.
Yeah.
Anybody been to Gus' Diner lately? The new waitress.
Yeah, like, what is she, man, like 25? Yeah, it's a great age.
Just before their butts start to sag and they start wearing Reeboks.
Bet a dollar.
She's perfect.
She's great, but not perfect.
Her eyes are a little too close together.
They're vacant enough, but they're not perfect.
Pair of queens bets.
Yeah, if you want a perfect woman you gotta build her in your head.
It gives you something to do when you're making love to your wife.
I like that Connie Chung.
I like Connie Mack, too, but neither one have any place in this conversation.
Now, for the perfect woman Let's start out with the legs.
Catherine Bach.
I'd say Tina Turner.
A little too muscular for me.
Jamie Lee Curtis.
Ah! Ah! Okay, now let's talk tush.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Sigourney Weaver.
Nope, nope.
Monster touched it.
Jamie Lee Curtis.
Ah! Ah! Okay, it's hooter time.
My favorite.
My time, baby.
Jacqueline Big-set.
A young Brigitte Bardot.
Ah! Ah! Now that's our perfect woman.
Nope.
Got to have a brain.
Why? A brain? Vanna White! Vanna White! I fold.
$5.
00.
I'm out.
You're bluffing, Barney.
Al, he's got two pair showing.
E.
J.
's got his 10 and both queens are gone.
No way he's got that third 10.
I call.
Say hi to the third 10.
I'm getting another beer.
Who wants one? You've given me enough already, Al.
Russ here.
Gee, Al, you stink.
Thanks a lot, pal.
Come on.
I can't believe you are losing to these guys.
I've only been watching for an hour, I got the whole rhythm of the game down.
What rhythm? It's pretty obvious.
Take Russ.
Whenever he's got a bad hand, he shuffles his hole card as if he thinks it's gonna change.
Whenever Barney bluffs, he taps his chips.
Dead giveaway.
Norris? He never bluffs.
He won't stay in the game unless he's got three of a kind.
And you, Al.
You stink.
Gee, Steve, you're a real Cincinnati kid.
I think he walked home after a game too.
If we're such suckers, why don't you sit in? Oh, no.
I just cash my paycheck and I give that money to Marcie.
The mortgage is due Monday.
Besides, I don't gamble.
Steve, we're married men.
We all gamble.
I got to run, guys.
Uh wife is real sick.
Ah, bull! Listen to this! Where are you going? Come on, come on.
What is it? I promised my wife I'd take her to the ballet.
The ballet, huh? Better take Norris along.
Show them what you do when they're up in the air doing those splits.
It's up to you, Steve.
Uh, excuse me.
Oh, uh, look, I'm not playing.
I don't believe in gambling.
I'm in.
Sure you wouldn't like some cake or something? No, thanks.
After our meeting, we stopped at Gus' Diner for a bite.
They have the dumbest waitress I've ever seen, wiggling around in this short skirt, as if anyone was looking.
She got our orders wrong, she got our change wrong.
Thank God our club president had enough nerve to complain and get her fired.
What are you doing? Oh, Al was admiring this fishing rod this morning.
So when he comes in broke from poker, I like to leave it out, you know, just to remind him of yet another thing he'll never get.
I hope they get home soon.
Steve and I usually go over our budget tonight.
It's getting late.
Maybe we should call.
Mm.
We can't.
Al says there's no phone there.
Well, I'm glad Steve's out having a good time.
I know he doesn't gamble or anything, but it's good that he's out there trying to meet new people.
Maybe he'll invite some of the guys over to our house.
Ha, ha.
Oh, yeah.
That would make for quite a stimulating evening.
I wonder which one he'll bring home.
Let's see.
There's Norris, who can make obscene sounds with his armpit.
He is naturally a welcome guest at any occasion.
Oh, and then there's Barney, the man no deodorant could tame.
And if you're really lucky, you'll get Russ, the invincible.
He hasn't met a toilet yet he couldn't overflow.
Poor Steve.
Yeah.
These guys are a real bunch of losers.
Well, then, Steve will just have to find friends elsewhere.
Because if there's one thing my Steve is, it's a winner.
How you doing, Steve? Are you okay? Come on, Steve.
You had a good time, you met some good people and you lost $300 to a good friend.
I can't believe I lost my share of the mortgage payment.
What am I gonna tell Marcie? Steve, you're a man.
Lie like a dog.
Tell her you got mugged.
We got jumped by four guys.
I fought off three, but the little guy beat you silly and took your money.
You're enjoying this, aren't you, Al? Well, you're the one had the rhythm of the game.
Wasn't my fault you couldn't stop mouthing your hole card.
I gotta tell her the truth.
I got no choice.
Well, I wouldn't.
I have to.
She's gonna ask.
Here's what I do.
I walk in the door, before Peg can say a word- which means I gotta be quick- I tell her how great she looks.
Then if it's real rough, I grit my teeth and throw her a quick one.
She's so grateful, she forgets what she's gonna ask me, and even if she says something later on, I'm asleep.
Can't do it.
Our relationship is based on honesty.
And the buns of Mel Gibson.
Ooh! That is our perfect man.
Wait, we need a brain.
Why? It's a man.
Hi, honey! Steve! I was worried about you.
Did you have a good time? Well, you know Kinda you know Considering Oh.
Well, I'm sure it was hard on you being the only one there with the strength not to gamble.
Marcie I have to tell you something.
You look beautiful.
More beautiful than I've ever seen you.
Oh, Steve.
Your lips are like wine, and I want to get drunk tonight.
Badly.
But Steve, we need to finish our budget.
Damn the budget! A man has needs.
Oh, Steve! Has all this talk done something for you, Al? Yeah.
I'm thirsty.
Get me a beer.
Oh, Al.
So how'd you do tonight? Lose as usual? Yeah.
Oh, darn.
Now you won't be able to buy that beautiful fishing pole you wanted.
When will I ever learn? No! Look, you don't seem to understand me.
I want something that goes with this dress.
A bubbling caldron? You've got a lot of nerve.
I need it to get this close to your feet.
Uh hi, Al.
Hi, Steve.
How's it going? Hey, did Marcie ever bring up the budget again? Yes, Al, she did.
And every time she did, I told her how beautiful she looked.
And showed her.
I showed her till She's out cold, and I don't remember how I got here.
Then it worked.
Yeah, but I'm afraid it'll never work again, Al.
I don't know how to ask you this, but I gotta ask you for a big favor.
Whoa, Steve, I can't! She's your wife! I don't like touching mine.
Al, I know this is something that isn't normally done, but I was wondering if you could kind of give me my money back.
Wait a second.
This is over the line.
Okay.
How about this? Just loan it to me.
You're just gonna take it back to the poker game next week and lose it, because you stink.
I stink? I tell you what we'll do, Steve.
You're real good with money.
You know how to invest it and make it grow.
How much was it you said you needed to find those opportunities other people miss? $300, Al.
No, it was $5.
00, Steve.
Make it grow, buddy.
This is how you treat me? This is how you treat a neighbor, a man who calls you friend? Yes, it is, Steve.
Give me the 5.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
I need a plan.
Let's see.
I work in a bank.
If I took a quarter out of every quarter roll Why don't you do this? Why don't you go home, wake up Marcie, say, "I lost all my money.
I screwed up.
I'm sorry.
What's for dinner?" That's what being a man's all about, Steve.
Making mistakes and not caring.
Well, I do care, Al.
Excuse me.
Could you spare some change for a decent meal? Thank you.
Hey, wait a minute.
Thanks.
Thanks a lot.
Sure.
Well, Steve, you're a real decent guy.
You're about as sharp as a bag of wet hair, but you're a decent guy.
You know, Al, that $5.
00 wasn't going to do anything for me, but it'll do a lot of good for him.
You see I believe something, Al.
I believe that if you do something good, something good will always happen to you in return.
You'll see, Al.
You'll see.
Steve, it's been real nice having you here all day.
So, uh, as the hostess here, I guess it's up to me to ask What are you doing here? Waiting for something good to happen.
And it will too.
I walked around most of the morning.
Nothing good happened.
But I know that when Al gets home, something good is gonna happen.
Well, that'll be a first.
You know, I haven't seen Marcie all day.
Is she okay? Sure.
I did all the work.
Are you okay? Oh, yeah.
Everything's fine.
Marcie decided to sleep in today, And me I'm happy as a duck in orange sauce.
Oh, Marcie's light just came on.
She must be up.
Peg, listen very carefully to me.
I lost my paycheck to Al in the poker game.
He won't give it back.
Marcie's gonna kill me, if she hasn't already.
How much did he win? $300.
Oh.
I haven't had a new bra for two years, and that baboon is sitting on 300 bucks? I'm gonna have to tell Marcie.
It's the right thing to do.
Yeah, you go tell Marcie, and then bring her over here.
Al will be home soon, and believe me, you'll get your money back.
I'll see to that.
Really? Oh, thank you, Peggy.
Thank you.
See? I knew something good was gonna happen.
So you lost again at poker, huh, Al? So I can buy a new bra when we can afford it, huh, Al? Enjoy Daddy's dinner.
Hi.
What's for supper? Filthy pig! We had that last night.
Al, Steve told me that you won his money in the poker game.
You cannot keep the money.
Where did this rule come from? When I lose, I lose.
You don't play cards and then sit down and when it's finished you say, "Hey, give me my money back.
" That's no fun.
If that's the way it worked, I may as well stay home with you.
You know, it's bad enough you lied to me about winning the money, but, Al, these are the only friends I've got.
I like having people to talk to.
You know, people that will come over to the house even though you're here.
That makes them special, Al.
Now, I want you to give him back his money, for me.
I can't.
I spent it.
Oh, Al, you are the lowest! Now, what did you waste that money on? I got you this.
Ohh! Oh, Al! It's beautiful.
I love it.
Oh, honey, I don't deserve this.
I felt kind of bad about not ever getting you anything.
Oh, you are the sweetest man in the whole world.
Now, honey, I'm just gonna go upstairs and try this on, and then I'll come make you a nice juicy steak, just like the dog had.
Oh, it's priceless, Al! No.
It was 15 bucks.
But you, my love, were 275.
Peg, I'll be down in the basement! Okay, honey! You better get that money back! It's all taken care of.
Al? Peggy? Ha, ha Guys? It's me! Where's our money, Steven? Marcie! You look beautiful!