Queer as Folk s01e10 Episode Script

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX.
SHAKE IT, DUDE.
[ ?????? .]
MICHAEL, I HAVE THIS FANTASY.
UH-HUH.
IT'S SUNDAY MORNING AND I'M LYING IN BED.
AND I HEAR THE LITTLE THUMP OF THE NEWSPAPER AT THE DOOR, AND THE SUN'S JUST COMING THROUGH THE WINDOW.
YEAH? AND IN THE DISTANCE, I HEAR THE SOUND OF SOMEONE SINGING VERY QUIETLY BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO WAKE ME UP.
WELL THAT'S CONSIDERATE, I THINK.
AND AS I LOOK ACROSS THE ROOM, I SEE, THROUGH THE FROSTED GLASS OF THE SHOWER, THE SHAPE OF THE GUY THAT I LOVE.
AM I CONDITIONING MY HAIR AT THE TIME? I'M BEING SERIOUS, MICHAEL.
I KNOW.
I'M SORRY.
IT SOUNDS NICE.
IT IS NICE.
IT CAN BE NICE.
IT WILL BE NICE WHEN YOU MOVE IN WITH ME.
HEY, WHAT DO YOU KNOW? "X-MEN" IS OUT ON DVD.
[ Sigh of exasperation .]
YOU HAVEN'T GIVEN ME AN ANSWER YET.
I'VE BEEN THINK- ING ABOUT IT.
AND? WELL IT'S A BIG STEP.
WATCH OUT FOR THE DOG POOP.
HEH.
YES, IT'S A BIG STEP.
OF COURSE IT'S A BIG STEP.
AND I DON'T WANT TO PUT PRESSURE ON YOU, BUT I BELIEVE THAT WHEN SOMEBODY KNOWS WHAT THEY WANT, THEY'VE GOT TO GO AFTER IT.
I WANTYOUTO BE COMING OUT OF THAT SHOWER, AND I WANT TO KNOW THAT YOU'RE NOT GOING TO RUN OUT.
WOULDN'T YOU LIKE THAT TOO? WELL, SURE.
SO WHEN DO I GET AN ANSWER? SOON.
I PROMISE.
ARE WE STILL ON FOR BRUNCH TOMORROW? I CAN HARDLY WAIT.
MMM.
DAVID? YEAH? NOBODY'S EVER PUT ME IN A FANTASY BEFORE.
THAT YOU KNOW ABOUT.
[ Ignition of engine .]
BYE.
DON'T THEY HAVE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BABY? Lindsay: HI! HI, LINZ.
HI.
SECOND MOST BEAUTIFUL.
MMMM.
AH.
DID YOU KNOW HE'S A STAY- AT-HOME DAD? REALLY? SO WHO PAYS FOR THE PAMPERS? SHE DOES.
SOMETHING WITH STOCKS AND THE INTERNET.
ANYWAY, I WAS JUST THINKING.
I'D LIKE TO STAY AT HOME.
WELL, THAT SOUNDS GOOD.
WE CAN ORDER IN KUNG-PAO CHICKEN, AND RENT "TERMS OF ENDEARMENT".
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
[ Chuckling .]
WHAT ABOUT YOUR JOB? DO YOU THINK ANY- ONE EVER LOOKED BACK ON THEIR LIFE AND SAID, "GEE, I WISH I HADN'T TAKEN THAT YEAR OFF TO BE WITH THE BABY"? BUT I THOUGHT WE HAD A PLAN, A GOOD PLAN.
AFTER YOUR MATERNITY LEAVE IS UP, AND WE GET A NANNY A NANNY, I KNOW.
I KNOW.
BUT I DIDN'T THINK I'D BE IN LOVE LIKE THIS.
[ Sighing .]
LOOK.
I'M PERFECTLY HAPPY FOR YOU TO STAY AT HOME.
AND I THINK IT'D BE WONDERFUL FOR GUS TO HAVE ONE OF HIS MOMMIES WITH HIM.
BUT WE HAVE TO BE PRACTICAL.
MONEY.
UNLESS YOU HAVE A SOLUTION.
BRIAN? UH, IT WAS JUST A SUGGESTION.
AFTER WHAT HE DID? JUST REMEMBER, WE WOULDN'T HAVE GUS WITHOUT HIM.
AND EVERY TIME I LOOK AT HIM, KISS HIM, HOLD HIM, I REALIZE I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHTS.
YOU'RE STILL HIS PARENT, EVERY BIT AS MUCH AS I AM.
NOT EVERY BIT.
BRIAN TOOK THAT AWAY FROM ME.
I HAVE NO MORE CLAIMS TO OUR SON THAN IF I WERE A TOTAL STRANGER.
[ Heavy sigh .]
Daphne: OH MY GOD! HE LIVES HERE? NOW I DO TOO.
ISN'T THAT COOL? CHECK OUT THE TV.
AND THE DVDs.
[ Clearing of throat .]
THE FURNITURE IS ALL ITALIAN.
MILAN.
OH! WAIT TILL YOU SEE THE PAINTING OF THE NAKED GUY.
OH-H! OH MY GOD! JUSTIN, UH A WORD.
HUH? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON OUT THERE? I WAS JUST GIV- ING MY FRIEND DAPHNE A TOUR.
THIS IS NOT THE WHITE HOUSE.
OW.
GEORGE WASHINGTON NEVER SLEPT HERE.
WHAT? HE'S THE ONLY ONE WHO HASN'T.
WOULD YOU PLEASE JUST KEEP IT DOWN? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT TIME IT IS? IT'S NOON.
OH SHIT! I'M SUPPOSED TO MEET MY NEW TRAINER AT 1:00.
FUCK! YOU'RE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO BE MORE CONSIDERATE, DAPH.
DO EITHER ONE OF YOU KNOW HOW TO MAKE A CREATINE AND SOY SHAKE? [ Snickering .]
NO.
WELL WOULD YOU PLEASE JUST POUR ME SOME GUAVA JUICE? UM, HERE IT IS.
SO, ARE YOU GO- ING HOME TODAY? WHAT FOR? WELL, I SAW THE BALLOONS ON THE MAILBOX.
OH SHIT! MOLLY'S BIRTHDAY.
UH, YEAH, BUT HOW CAN I GO BACK NOW? SHE'S YOUR LITTLE SISTER.
I'M SURE SHE MISSES YOU.
YEAH.
SHE'S PROBABLY APPROPRIATED ALL MY COOLEST STUFF.
HERE'S YOUR DRINK, BRIAN.
WELL, YOU'LL MAKE AN EXCELLENT WIFE.
THEN SHE CAN DROP YOU.
PLEASE.
I'M NEVER GETTING MARRIED.
I MEAN, WHY BE TIED DOWN? I LOVE THIS GIRL.
SO I'M GOING.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? MMM, GONNA SMOKE SOME WEED, DOWNLOAD PORN.
MMM-HMMM.
WELL, IF YOU GO OUT, BE SURE AND SET THE ALARM.
BYE, DARLING.
OH MY GOD! HE'S TO DIE FOR.
[ Sobbing .]
OOOH.
HONEY, I I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU.
WHEN WHEN DID HE ASK? LAST WEEK.
LAST WEEK.
LAST WEEK? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME? I HAVEN'T TOLD ANYONE.
I HAVEN'T DECIDED YET.
W-WHAT'S TO DECIDE? T-THE MAN OF YOUR DREAMS WANTS YOU TO MOVE IN WITH HIM.
WHA? I DON'T KNOW IF WE'RE READY.
WE DON'T KNOW EACH OTHER VERY WELL, AND PLEASE.
THERE'S PLENTY OF TIME FOR THAT ONCE YOU'RE LIVING TOGETHER.
WHAT ABOUT MY STUFF? MY COMICS AND AND M-MY ROBOTS AND CAPTAIN ASTRO? FUCK CAPTAIN ASTRO.
YOU'VE GOT DR.
DAVID.
THIS IS STILL MY HOME.
THIS DUMP? HONEY, YOU WON'T LOOK BACK.
WELL AND WHAT ABOUT YOU GUYS? IF I'M LIVING WITH SOMEONE, I I WON'T BE ABLE TO SEE YOU.
OF COURSE YOU WILL.
I, FOR ONE, EXPECT TO BE INVITED TO FABULOUS DINNER PARTIES AT LEAST ONCE A WEEK.
[ Sigh of indecision .]
THIS IS ABOUT WHAT A CERTAIN SOMEONE IS GOING TO SAY, ISN'T IT? WELL, I SAY THAT YOU DESERVE TO BE LOVED.
AND DON'T LET ANY MAN, QUEEN, OR BRIAN TELL YOU OTHERWISE.
THANKS, EM.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
NOW THERE'S JUST ONE OTHER THING.
WHAT ABOUT ME? HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO PAY THE RENT ON THIS PLACE ALL BY MYSELF? [ Chuckling .]
ROTTEN BASTARD.
[ Grunts of horseplay .]
Jennifer: OKAY, GET READY FOR THE COUNT OF THREE.
ONE, TWO, THREE Kids: [ Whooping/cheering .]
YOU'RE GOING TO GET YOUR WISH.
Woman: JENNIFER SWEETHEART.
YOU CAME.
I COULDN'T MISS MOLLY'S BIRTHDAY.
WHERE'S DAD? UH, HE'S UPSTAIRS WATCHING THE GAME.
KIDS' PARTIES AREN'T EXACTLY HIS THING.
MOLLY.
JUSTIN.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOLLUSK.
WHAT YOU GONNA GIVE ME? PERMISSION TO LIVE.
HERE.
JUSTIN, THIS IS BEAUTIFUL.
EH? OKAY, GO GET SOME CAKE.
SHE'S THRILLED YOU CAME.
YEAH? HOW COULD YOU TELL? ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? ARE YOU EATING? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M STARVING? WELL, YOU ARE STAYING FOR DINNER.
THAT DEPENDS IF DAD WANTS TO SEE ME.
OF COURSE HE WANTS TO SEE YOU.
HE'S AS UPSET ABOUT THIS AS YOU ARE.
REALLY? HE WANTS YOU TO COME HOME, AS YOU KNOW I DO.
I WANT TO COME HOME TOO.
[ Heavy sigh .]
GOD, JUSTIN.
I'M SO GLAD TO HEAR YOU SAY THAT.
LET'S GO TELL HIM.
WAIT.
WHAT ABOUT THE RULES? WHICH RULES? THAT I CAN'T GO OUT OR SEE BRIAN, OR TALK ABOUT MY "DISGUSTING LIFESTYLE".
I DON'T I DON'T THINK HE MEANT IT QUITE THAT WAY.
WELL, WHAT DID HE MEAN? I THINK HE JUST WANTS EVERYTHING TO BE AS IT WAS.
WELL, IT CAN'T BE THE WAY IT WAS.
I'M NOT THE WAY I WAS.
AND I I DON'T WANT YOU TO BE ANYTHING OTHER THAN WHO YOU ARE.
I JUST I HAVE TO CONSIDER THE NEEDS OF THIS WHOLE FAMILY, NOT JUST YOUR DESIRES.
Y-YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THAT.
Molly: MOM.
MOM? Jennifer: LET'S GET THAT CAKE CUT.
Children: [ Mixed chatter & laughter .]
YOU LIKE THE FLOWER, RIGHT? I LIKE ANY KIND OF CAKE.
YEAH.
[ ?????? .]
[ Gasps of passion .]
OH, WOW! WHOO! AND THAT WAS JUST THE WARM-UP.
WOW! NOW WE DO SOME SERIOUS PUMPING, FOCUSING ON EACH MUSCLE GROUP.
AND PLENTY OF REPS.
[ Beeping of telephone off hook .]
WHAT THE FUCK? JESUS, I THOUGHT I TOLD THAT KID MY FUCKING TELEVISION'S GONE.
AND MY COMPUTER.
OH, FUCK! MY FILES.
THEY EVEN STOLE MY FUCKING CLOTHES.
[ ?????? .]
AT LEAST THE BED'S STILL HERE.
YOU HAD ANY STRANGERS IN THE HOUSE RECENTLY? [ ?????? .]
UH, NO.
JUST, UH FAMILY AND CLOSE FRIENDS.
SO YOU WANT ME TO PICK YOU UP OR DO YOU WANT TO MEET ME AT WOODY'S? Brian: [ On telephone .]
Fuck Woody's.
I've been robbed.
NOW GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE.
HOLY SHIT! FORGOTTO SET THE ALARM? I TH I THOUGHT I DID.
THOUGHT YOU DID? WELL, YOU DIDN'T.
WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU GO? MY SISTER'S BIRTHDAY PARTY.
AND THEN I KINDA WALKED AROUND.
WELL WHILE YOU WERE "KINDA" WALKING AROUND I GOT "KINDA" ROBBED.
JUST TAKE IT EASY.
WELL THAT'S THAT'S ALL THERE'S LEFT TO TAKE.
LOOK, I DIDN'T MEAN TO DO IT.
I'M SO SORRY.
I TOLD YOU, WHEN I SAID YOU COULD STAY HERE, THERE ARE RULES.
NOW YOU'VE GOT FIVE MINUTES TO PACK YOUR SHIT, NONE OF WHICH, OF COURSE, WAS STOLEN, AND GET THE FUCKOUT OF HERE! Michael: BRIAN GOT ROBBED.
Vic: WELL, BRIAN SHOULD MOVE TO A SAFER NEIGHBOURHOOD.
LIKE THIS.
I LEAVE MY DOOR UNLOCKED, NOTHING EVER GETS TAKEN.
NOT MANY THIEVES ARE LOOKING FOR A VELVET MATADOR PAINTING, AND A CONSOLE TV SET FROM [ Chuckling .]
THOSE THINGS HAPPEN TO BE VERY COLLECTABLE THESE DAYS.
SO DO THEY HAVE ANY IDEA WHO DID IT? NO.
BUT BRIAN SURE IS PISSED AT JUSTIN.
POOR SUNSHINE.
HERE, HAVE SOME PANCAKES.
CAN'T.
I HAVE A BRUNCH.
A BRUNCH? MY, AREN'T WE FANCY? IT'S THE SAME THING AS BREAKFAST EXCEPT WITH SOME KIWI FRUIT ON THE SIDE.
ARE YOU GOING WITH DAVID, MY CHIROPRACTOR- IN-LAW? DON'T YOU START TOO! START WHAT? ALL I DID WAS ASK.
NEXT THING YOU KNOW, YOU'LL BE WANTING TO KNOW IF WE'RE GONNA MOVE IN TOGETHER.
WAIT A MINUTE.
BACK UP.
HE ASKED YOU? YES, HE ASKED.
DID YOU HEAR THAT? HE ASKED YOU? OH, MICHAEL! THAT'S WONDERFUL! CONGRATULATIONS, MIKEY.
OH! I'VE GOT SOME BEAUTIFUL HEIRLOOM PIECES THAT YOUR GRAND- MOTHER GAVE ME.
I'VE BEEN SAVING THEM UP JUST FOR YOU.
DON'T DRAG OUT THE CANDLE- STICKS YET.
I DIDN'T SAY YES.
WELL WHAT DID YOU SAY? WELL I SAID I'D THINK ABOUT IT.
WHAT'S TO THINK ABOUT? Vic: PLENTY.
I REMEMBER IT TOOK ROBERTO AND ME SIX MONTHS TO FINALLY DECIDE TO LIVE TOGETHER.
AND A WEEK TO BREAK UP.
WELL HOW DID YOU KNOW HE WAS STILL SEEING THREE OF HIS EX-ES? AND WHY DO YOU HAVE TO FILL THE KID'S HEAD WITH HORROR STORIES? I'M JUST SAYING IT'S NOT SO EASY FOR TWO MEN TO BE A COUPLE.
YOU THINK IT'S EASY FOR ANYBODY? BUT IF YOU LOVE EACH OTHER, YOU AT LEAST OWE IT TO YOUR- SELVES TO TRY.
[ ?????? .]
YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO MAKE BRUNCH.
BRUNCH IS SERVED.
I BROUGHT BRUNCH.
AND 6 PAIRS OF PRADA SHOES, GONE.
YOU KNOW I'M STARTING TO SUSPECT GAY- ON-GAY CRIME.
WELL I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED.
YOU HAVE MORE VISITORS THAN DISNEYWORLD.
I CAN'T FIND A KNIFE FOR THE CREAM CHEESE.
YEAH? WELL THEY STOLE THAT TOO.
THEY STOLE YOUR CUTLERY? EVEN MY JUICER.
I MEAN, WHO THE FUCK STEALS A PHILIPPE STARCK JUICER? A THIRSTY THIEF WITH GOOD TASTE? Melanie: I DIDN'T KNOW YOU COULD COOK.
MM.
SOMEDAY I'M GONNA MAKE SOME LUCKY MAN THE PERFECT WIFE.
[ Chuckle .]
I USED TO SAY THE SAME THING.
OH, BUT INSTEAD YOU'VE MADE SOMEONE THE PERFECT HUSBAND.
Les: THESE DAYS YOU BOYS ARE SO CAREFUL ABOUT WHAT YOU EAT.
ALL THOSE EGG WHITES AND PROTEIN BARS.
I SUSPECT IT'S LESS TO DO WITH HEALTH, AND MORE ABOUT KEEPING THOSE OH, COME ON.
YOU GUYS ARE IN GREAT SHAPE.
MM, WE TRY TO STAY ACTIVE.
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
WELL, I HOPE THEY FIND WHO'S RESPONSIBLE.
I KNOW WHO'S RESPONSIBLE.
THAT LITTLE ASSHOLE WHO FORGOT TO SET MY ALARM.
OH! AS IF YOU NEVER FORGOT ANYTHING.
NOTHING THAT IMPORTANT.
YOU KNOW, I JUST WANT LINDSAY TO BE HAPPY.
THAT'S ALL I'VE EVER WANTED.
I THINK IT'S GREAT THAT SHE WANTS TO STAY HOME WITH THE BABY, BUT ON YOUR SALARY ALONE, I JUST DON'T SEE HOW WE CAN MAKE IT WORK.
[ Sighing .]
MAYBE IF I TOOK ON A BIGGER CASE LOAD.
OR, UH, WHAT IF WE REDUCED OUR EXPENSES? MM.
IT'S GOING TO BE KIND OF TOUGH WITH ANOTHER MOUTH TO FEED.
THESE TWO MET IN WORLD WAR II.
WE SERVED ON A WARSHIP.
THE "YORKTOWN".
Charles: TALK ABOUT YOUR GAY CRUISE.
Les: THERE WAS THIS PLACE BEHIND THE AMMO BAY WHERE YOU COULD GET A BLOW JOB ANY TIME, DAY OR NIGHT.
All: [ Chuckling .]
THIS WAS WARTIME.
YOU COULD DIE AT ANY MOMENT.
Charles: AND SEX WAS HOW YOU KNEW YOU WERE STILL ALIVE.
Ted: I KNOW YOU MAY NOT WANT TO HEAR THIS, CONSIDERING HE WOULDN'T GIVE YOU PARENTAL RIGHTS, BUT NO, I TOLD LINDSAY, BRIAN IS NOT THE SOLUTION TO OUR PROBLEMS.
HE'S THE CAUSE.
AND HE CAN KEEP HIS GODDAMN MONEY.
WELL, THEN THERE'S ONLY ONE OTHER POSSIBILITY.
SO WHERE IS HE? WHO? JUSTIN.
I DON'T KNOW! I TOLD HIM TO PACK HIS SHIT AND GET THE HELL OUT.
YOU WANT ME TO USE MY INHERITANCE MY FATHER GAVE ME? WELL IF IT'S THAT IMPORTANT TO YOU TO HAVE LINDSAY STAY HOME WITH THE BABY.
[ Uneasy laugh .]
IT'S JUST THAT THAT THAT'S MY NEST-EGG.
I-IT'S ALL I HAVE IN CASE SOMETHING SHOULD HAPPEN.
I KNOW.
IT'S A TOUGH CALL.
AND BELIEVE ME, IF THERE WAS ANY OTHER WAY, BUT I REALLY DON'T SEE THAT WE HAVE ANY OTHER OPTIONS.
HM! WE JUST CAME BACK FROM BORA-BORA.
YEAH? WENT THERE ON OUR 50th.
ANNIVERSARY.
HOLY SHIT! YEAH! IT AMAZES ME TOO! HA, HA! I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY'VE BEEN TO- GETHER FOR SO LONG.
David: WELL THAT'S WHY I WANTED YOU TO MEET THEM, TO SEE IT'S POSSIBLE FOR TWO MEN TO SHARE A LIFE TOGETHER.
IT'S WHAT I'D LIKE FOR US.
ARE YOU TWO PLANNING TO LIVE TOGETHER? David: MICHAEL HASN'T DECIDED YET.
BUT I'M HOPING.
WHAT'S STOPPING YOU? I GET NERVOUS ON CRUISES.
I GET SEASICK CROSSING THE SUSQUEHANNA, SO HA! LISTEN, YOUNG MAN, LIVING TOGETHER AIN'T FOR SISSIES.
NEITHER IS GROWING OLD.
AND NO MATTER WHAT THE PROBLEMS, THE SACRIFICES, IT'S WORTH IT.
HAVING SOMEONE BESIDE YOU WHO SHARES YOUR LIFE Charles: AND YOU ARE THERE TO SHARE HIS.
YOU SENT HIM AWAY? LOOK, I DID HIM A FAVOUR AND THIS IS HOW HE REPAYS ME.
HE DIDN'T DO IT ON PURPOSE.
WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIM? HUH! SORRY.
MUST BE A FORCE OF HABIT.
COME ON, HONEY.
HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING? IT'S TIME FOR GUS' BRUNCH.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO HELP ME WITH THIS LIST.
OH YEAH.
THERE'S ONE VALUABLE ITEM THAT'S MISSING THAT CAN'T BE REPLACED.
[ Scratching of pen .]
Daphne: YOU'RE SUCH A BIG DRAMATIC QUEEN.
IT'S "DRAMA QUEEN", AND DO YOU HAVE A BETTER IDEA? YOU COULD STAY AT MY HOUSE.
YEAH, I'M SURE YOUR PARENTS WOULD LOVE THAT.
WELL WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO IN NEW YORK? MODEL? YOU'RE SKINNY ENOUGH.
YOU HAVE, LIKE, THE WORLD'S MOST-PERFECT HAIR.
OR I COULD BE A GO-GO BOY.
I'VE SEEN 'EM AT BABYLON.
I COULD MAKE, LIKE, MAYBE I COULD COME WITH YOU.
I CAN SHAKE IT UP TOO! [ Laughing .]
THAT'D BE GREAT.
YOU AND ME! EXCEPT I HAVE TO BE HOME BY 11:00.
WELL I'M GOING.
LOOK AT THIS.
IT'S A CONFIRMATION NUMBER.
I CHARGED A TICKET.
SINCE WHEN DO YOU HAVE A CREDIT CARD? I TOOK BRIAN'S.
THAT'S LIKE A MAJOR FELONY OR SOMETHING.
YOU COULD GO TO JAIL FOR THAT.
LEAST I'D HAVE A PLACE TO LIVE.
BESIDES, I'M GONNA PAY HIM BACK.
AS SOON AS I GET A JOB.
I JUST GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE.
NOW.
[ Scoffing .]
POOR SUCKERS.
DO YOU THINK THEY STILL DO IT? AT THEIR AGE IT'S NOT ABOUT SEX.
YEAH, IT'S ABOUT LIFE-SUPPORT.
IT JUST SO HAPPENS A PERSON CAN HAVE AN ACTIVE SEX LIFE AT ANY AGE.
WELL THAT MEANS THERE'S STILL HOPE FOR YOU.
SO WHEN ARE YOU AND THE DOC GOING TO START MASSAGING EACH OTHER'S PROSTATES? WOULD YOU GIVE HIM A BREAK? HE'S HAVING ENOUGH TROUBLE DECIDING.
Man: THEN WHY NOT CONSULT MYSTERIOUS MARILYN? WHAT'LL IT BE, BOYS? PALMS? TAROT? SPIN AROUND THE OUIJA? ONLY 20 BUCKS.
[ Scoffing .]
ALL RIGHT.
A PESO MORE.
MYSTERIOUS MARILYN SENSES YOU'RE AN ACCOUNTANT.
OH, SHE'S GOOD.
YOU, THE ONE WITH THE BOY- FRIEND, SIT.
PUT YOUR DIGITS ON THE OUIJA, SWEETHEART.
[ Deep inhalation .]
OUIJA, WHAT IS HIS TRUE LOVE'S NAME? B-R- I OH, THIS IS TOO WEIRD.
THAT IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND'S NAME.
THAT WASN'T THE QUESTION.
AND FRANKLY, HE'S A BAD BET.
NOW LET'S ASK ABOUT YOUR BOYFRIEND.
Daphne: HEY! JUSTIN'S RUN AWAY.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? HE WENT TO NEW YORK! WITH YOUR CREDIT CARD.
WHAT? OH.
HE TOOK YOUR CREDIT CARD.
THAT LITTLE FUCK! HE'S GOING TO BECOME A GO-GO BOY IN CHELSEA.
AND HE'S GOING TO BE VERY SUCCESSFUL.
HOW DO YOU KNOW? GOD WRITES THE SCRIPT, SWEETIE, I JUST SAY THE LINES.
YOUBETTER FIND HIM AND BRING HIM BACK.
I SEE YOU ON THE PENNSYLVANIA TURNPIKE.
YEAH, THE FUCK YOU DO.
AND BEFORE YOU LEAVE, BE SURE TO CHECK THE AIR IN YOUR TIRES.
THIS ISALLYOUR FAULT.
OW! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! SINCE WHEN IS HE MY RESPONSIBILITY? SINCE YOU TOOK HIM HOME AND FUCKED HIM! MA, PLEASE.
WELL THAT'S THE TRUTH.
I MEAN, YOU'VE GOTTEN AWAY WITH A LOT, MORE THAN YOU SHOULD, BUT NOT THIS TIME.
NOW YOU'RE GOING TO NEW YORK! THE FUCK I AM.
AND YOU'RE BRING- ING SUNSHINE HOME IN EXACTLY THE CONDITION WHICH YOU FOUND HIM.
OTHERWISE IT'S NOT HIS PARENTS OR THE POLICE YOU'RE GONNA ANSWER TO, HONEY.
YOU'RE GONNA ANSWER TO ME.
WHY DO YOU CARE? 'CAUSE I COULDN'T LIVE WITH MYSELF IF SOMETHING HAP- PENED TO THAT KID.
I LOVE HIM LIKE MY SON.
HELL, YOU'RE ALL MY SONS.
THANK YOU, ARTHUR MILLER.
LOOK, I MEAN NEW YORK'S A PRETTY BIG PLACE.
HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO FIND HIM? DAPHNE SAID HE'D BE IN CHELSEA.
I'M NOT GOING TO NEW YORK.
LOOK, I'LL GO WITH YOU.
WHAT ABOUT YOUR WORK? I CAN MISS A DAY.
SEE? YOU NEVER HAVE TO ASK THIS KID FOR ANYTHING.
WELL, AS LONG AS THE BACK- SEAT'S EMPTY, I GUESS I MIGHT AS WELL BE IN IT.
YEAH, YEAH! COUNT ME IN.
WHY DO YOU GUYS WANT TO GO? "W-WHY"? WHY? HOW CAN HOW CAN YOU EVEN ASK THAT? BRIAN, YOU'RE ONE OF OUR CLOSEST FRIENDS.
I CAN'T LET YOU GO OFF ON THIS PERILOUS JOURNEY ALL ON YOUR OWN! WE'RE GOING TO BE WITH YOU ALL THE WAY.
I'M REALLY TOUCHED.
WHAT'S THE REAL REASON? Together: [ Chanting .]
ROAD TRIP! ROAD TRIP! ROAD TRIP! ROAD TRIP! ROAD TRIP! WELL, IT'S IT'S GOING TO BE A "BUMPY" NIGHT, SO, UM SO LET'S DO A "BUMP" AND, UH, STAY UP.
PUT THAT SHIT AWAY.
[ Sniffing .]
DON'T WORRY.
I'VE GOT VALIUM TO COME DOWN.
IF YOU'RE NOT CAREFUL YOU'RE GOING TO GET ADDICTED.
PLEASE! I'VE BEEN DOING THIS FOR YEARS.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT CLOTHES TO TAKE.
JUST, UM, PACK YOUR BASIC LITTLE BLACK DRESS.
WORKS FOR ALL OCCASIONS.
DAMN IT.
WHERE IS IT? WHAT? "THE BROADWAY ALBUM".
CAN'T GO TO THE BIG APPLE WITHOUT BARBRA.
[ Knocking on door .]
ROAD TRIP! ROAD TRIP! ROAD TRIP! ROAD TRIP.
I GOT YOUR MESSAGE.
W-WELL YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO COME ALL THE WAY OVER HERE.
OH, OF COURSE I DID.
NOW WHAT IS THIS ABOUT A TRIP TO NEW YORK? IN CASE WE GO CLUB- BING, SHOULD I BRING THE BLACK LEATHER OR THE ORANGE LEATHER? DAVID! HI! HI, EMMETT.
WELL, HI.
UM, HEY! YOU SHOULD COME WITH US.
BECAUSE AFTER SPENDING ALL NIGHT IN BRIAN'S JEEP, BOY, WE ARE ALL GOING TO NEED ADJUSTMENTS.
JUSTIN RAN AWAY, SO YOU'VE DECIDED TO FORM A SEARCH PARTY? MM-HM.
EMMETT, AND TED, AND ME.
AND BRIAN.
"THE BOYS"! WEREN'T WE SUPPOSED TO GO TO MELANIE AND LINDSAY'S? OH, SHIT.
I'M I'M SORRY.
I FORGOT.
AH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
YOU DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO.
THANKS.
AND, UH, I WANT YOU TO KNOW, I'VE BEEN THINKING SERIOUSLY VERY SERIOUSLY, ABOUT [ Sighing .]
YOU KNOW.
LIVING TOGETHER.
RIGHT.
[ Slapping of behind .]
YOU HAVE A SAFE TRIP.
WEAR YOUR SEAT BELT.
OKAY.
BYE-BYE, EMMETT.
I KNOW, IT'S GOING TO BE A BUMPY NIGHT.
Emmett & Ted: ?? OO-WA, OO-WA ?? ?? COOL, COOL KITTY ?? ?? TELL US ABOUT THE BOY FROM NEW YORK CITY ?? ?? OO-WA, OO-WA ?? ?? COME ON, KITTY ?? ?? TELL US ABOUT THE BOY FROM NEW YORK CITY ?? [ In falsetto .]
?? HE'S KINDA TALL ?? ?? DAH-DIP, DAH-DIP ?? ?? HE'S REALLY FINE ?? ?? DAH-DIP, DAH-DIP ?? ?? ONE DAY I'M GONNA MAKE HIM MINE, ALL MINE ?? ?? DAH-DIP, DAH-DIP, YEAH! ?? WOULD YOU PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP? NO, NOT YOU, MA'AM.
STOP BEING SUCH A PARTY POOP! THIS IS NOT A PARTY.
STILL, A SONG AND A SNACK CAN TURN ANY MOMENT INTO AN OCCASION.
SO THERE HAVEN'T BEEN ANY MORE CHARGES ON MY VISA EXCEPT FOR THE FLIGHT TO NEW YORK? AND YOU'LL LET ME KNOW IF THERE ARE? ALL RIGHT, LET'S SING SOME BARBRA.
NO, CAN'T DO BARBRA UNLESS YOU'VE GOT THE LYRICS ON A MONITOR.
[ Huge gasp .]
[ Meowing .]
Emmett: BITCH! IF ONE OF YOU STARTS TO SING "PEOPLE" I WILL LEAVE YOU ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD WITHOUT STOPPING.
HE'S NOT KIDDING.
ALL RIGHT, WELL WE'VE ALREADY TOLD ALL OUR BIG DICK STORIES.
DISCUSSED ANTI-GAY LEGISLATION.
WHAT WE THINK OF BETTE'S NEW SERIES.
AND, LET'S SEE! WE'VE BEEN ON THE ROAD, OH, 27 MINUTES.
ONLY 5 HOURS LEFT TO KILL.
AND IF ANYONE CAN KILL THEM, YOU CAN.
AH-H-H.
GOD, WE MUST BE OUT OF OUR FUCKING MINDS TO DO THIS.
YOU WOULDN'T BE SAYING THAT IF WE WERE GOING AFTER THE HOTTEST GUY IN THE WORLD.
YEAH, THAT'S BECAUSE HE'D BE GOING AFTER ME.
RIGHT, SO, HOW DO WE FIND LITTLE-BOY-LOST? MYSTERIOUS MARILYN SAID HE'D BE IN CHELSEA.
[ Snorting .]
YOU DON'T REALLY BELIEVE THAT SHIT? YOU KNOW, BRIAN, SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO PUT YOUR FAITH IN A HIGHER POWER AND TRUST THAT EVERYTHING'S GOING TO WORK OUT.
[ Blowing of tire .]
JESUS! [ Screeching of tires .]
RUNNING OFF TO NEW YORK.
THERE'S AN ORIGINAL EXCUSE TO CANCEL AT THE LAST MINUTE.
IT'S PROBABLY A GOOD THING MICHAEL'S ALONG.
JUST TO MAKE SURE BRIAN DOESN'T GET DISTRACTED.
IF IF YOU'D RATHER I NOT STAY DON'T BE SILLY! SO IT'LL BE JUST THE THREE OF US.
NOT EXACTLY WHAT I HAD PLANNED.
AND WE ALL KNOW WHO TO THANK FOR THINGS NOT WORKING OUT THE WAY WE PLANNED.
HON, WOULD YOU CHECK ON GUS? YEAH.
AND IF YOU COULD CHECK ON DINNER? NO PROBLEM.
DAVID, WOULD YOU LIKE SOME WINE? MERLOT? OR SOME CHARDONNAY? UH, CHARDONNAY.
OOH, AND BE SURE TO USE THE WINE GOBLETS YOUR AUNT ESTHER GAVE US.
YOU TWO ARE AMAZING.
WE ARE? WE ARE? YOU'RE LIKE SYN- CHRONIZED SWIMMERS.
THE WAY YOU THINK TOGETHER, MOVE TOGETHER, YOU EVEN FINISH EACH OTHER'S SENTENCES.
WELL I GUESS THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS AFTER SIX YEARS.
YOU JUST BECOME ONE.
Both: [ Chuckling .]
I'D LIKE THAT FOR MICHAEL AND ME.
IT'LL HAPPEN.
OH, YOU TWO ARE A PERFECT FIT.
I DON'T KNOW.
I MIGHT HAVE PUSHED TOO HARD.
THAT MIGHT BE WHY HE RAN AWAY.
HE'LL BE BACK.
OH, AND BELIEVE ME, AFTER A NIGHT WITH EMMETT, TED AND BRIAN, YOU'LL BE LOOK- INGDAMNGOOD.
[ Chuckle .]
CHEERS TO THAT.
CHEERS.
CHEERS.
Brian: FUCK! MYSTERIOUS MARILYN WAS RIGHT.
HOORAY FOR HER.
SO NOW WHAT DO WE DO? WELL, I I COULD ALWAYS DISPLAY A WELL- TURNED ANKLE.
YEAH, A LOT OF GOOD THAT'LL DO US.
OR I CAN CHANGE A TIRE.
[ Laughing .]
YOU CAN NOT CHANGE A TIRE.
I KNOW YOU ALL JUST THINK OF ME AS THIS NELLY RETAIL-QUEEN, BUT IT JUST SO HAPPENS, I MAKE IT MY BUSINESS TO KNOW ANYTHING THAT HAS TO DO WITH "LUG NUTS".
OH, OF COURSE.
NOW, LIKE ANY GOOD MAGICIAN, I'LL NEED AN ASSISTANT FROM THE AUDIENCE.
YOU! THE LOVELY BRUNETTE IN THE FRONT ROW.
COME WITH ME.
[ Sighing .]
I ONLY HAVE ONE, FOR YOU AND ME.
EXCUSE ME.
OKAY.
[ Clearing of throat .]
[ Deep inhalation .]
IT'S STRONG.
[ Sputtering .]
TOLD YOU.
SO, HERE WE ARE.
"BRIAN AND MIKEY'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE".
[ Chuckling .]
THIS SURE ISN'T HOW I WAS PLANNING TO SPEND MY EVENING.
YEAH? HOW'D YOU THINK YOU'D BE SPENDING IT? GOING WITH DAVID TO DINNER AT LINDSAY AND MELANIE'S.
[ Sweetly .]
OH.
DINNER PARTIES! COUPLES! CHRIST, MIKEY.
IS THIS THE LIFE I RAISED YOU TO LIVE? WHATEVER HAPPENED TO YOUR SENSE OF FUN AND YOUR THIRST FOR ADVENTURE? I'M HERE WITH YOU, AREN'T I? STRANDED ON THE TURNPIKE.
YOU KNOW, THAT'S WHAT I'M GOING TO MISS THE MOST.
TIMES LIKE THIS, WHEN IT'S JUST YOU AND ME.
BUT NOW YOU HAVE THE DOC.
SO HOW BIG IS HIS DICK ANYWAY? I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU! WHEN HE COMES, DOES HE RUN TO THE SHOWER OR DOES HE LAY THERE AND HOLD YOU TIGHT, ALL WET AND STICKY? HE LAYS THERE AND HOLDS ME, ALL WET AND STICKY.
I GUESS HE DOES LOVE YOU.
I DON'T KNOW.
I GUESS.
I'M GLAD YOU CAME WITH ME.
WE'VE ALWAYS BEEN THERE FOR EACH OTHER.
YOU MORE THAN ME.
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
YEAH, IT IS.
I KNOW I CAN BE SHITTY TO YOU SOMETIMES.
I KNOW THAT.
BUT IT'S ONLY BECAUSE I KNOW THAT YOU'LL ALWAYS LOVE ME NO MATTER WHAT.
I DO.
Emmett: [ Moans of fatigue .]
I DO TOO.
ALWAYS HAVE.
I ALWAYS WILL.
I DON'T KNOW HOW I COULD HAVE MADE IT WITHOUT YOU.
[ Clanging of tools .]
Emmett: ALL RIGHT, LADIES.
WE'RE READY TO ROLL.
Emmett: NOW! DAVID'S GREAT, ISN'T HE? OH, MICHAEL'S DAMN LUCKY! I JUST HOPE HE DOESN'T BLOW IT.
WHAT'S THIS? "THIS CARD ENTITLES THE BEARER TO ONE YEAR OFF.
TO TAKE CARE OF THE WORLD'S MOST BEAUTIFUL BABY.
" I CRUNCHED THE NUMBERS.
BUT HOW? IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW.
I MADE IT WORK.
OH! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY! YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY ANYTHING.
Gus: [ Crying .]
WHY? I'M SORRY, I NO, IT'S OKAY, IT'S OKAY.
I HAVE TO.
I KNOW.
I KNOW.
[ ?????? .]
?? OO-WA, OO-WA COOL, COOL KITTY ?? ?? TELL US ABOUT THE BOY FROM NEW YORK CITY ?? ?? OO-WA, OO-WA COME ON, KITTY ?? ?? TELL US ABOUT THE BOY FROM NEW YORK CITY ?? ?? HE'S KINDA TALL ?? ?? HE'S REALLY FINE ?? OH MY GOD.
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN SO MANY CUTE BOYS IN YOUR LIFE? GEEZ! IT'S LIKE A PORN-STAR CONVENTION.
Michael: YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE LOOKING FOR JUSTIN.
NO, MA.
WE HAVEN'T FOUND HIM YET.
WE'LL KEEP LOOKING.
OKAY, YEAH.
I NEED A BREAK.
WHAT SAY WE HIT A HOMO BAR? ALL RIGHT, UH, HOW ABOUT "THE LURE"? "LEATHER, UNIFORM, RUBBER"? NAH! NO RUBBER.
I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH RUBBER.
IT ACCENTUATES MY HIPS.
FAN-FUCKING- TASTIC.
GOOD NEWS? SOMEONE'S BEEN USING MY CREDIT CARD.
I'LL MEET YOU GUYS BACK HERE IN AN HOUR.
[ ?????? .]
SEEMS TO ME WE'RE HEADED THE WRONG DIRECTION.
YEAH! SOMETHING GOING ON I-I THINK SOME- THING'S TELLING ME THAT THIS THING'S IN THIS DIRECTION.
[ Television chatter .]
[ Knocking on door .]
YOU WANNA COME IN? AH, WHY NOT? SINCE I'M PAYING FOR IT.
NEW YORK'S AMAZING.
I WENT CLUBBING LAST NIGHT TILL AND THE GUYS! WHOOF! THE GUYS ARE DID YOU REALLY THINK YOU WERE GOING TO GET AWAY WITH THIS? I FIGURED SOONER OR LATER SOMEONE WOULD COME AND ARREST ME.
BUT I WAS HOPING THAT YOU WOULD FIND ME FIRST.
WELL CONGRATULATIONS.
NOW PACK YOUR SHIT, BECAUSE WE'RE GOING BACK.
BACK? BACK TO WHAT? MY PARENTS DON'T WANT ME.
YOU DON'T WANT ME.
MY LIFE'S A FUCK- ING MESS, BRIAN.
YEAH, WELL WHOSE ISN'T? WE'RE GOING TO STRAIGHTEN THAT OUT.
FIRST THING WHEN WE GET BACK WE'RE GOING TO FIND YOU A PLACE TO LIVE.
WHY CAN'T I LIVE WITH YOU? BECAUSE MY PLACE IS ONLY BIG ENOUGH FOR ONE PERSON.
THAT'S ME.
NOW LISTEN UP.
WE'RE GOING BACK TO GLORIOUS PITTSBURGH, YOU'RE GOING BACK TO SCHOOL, YOU'RE GOING TO TURN 18, AND YOU'RE GOING TO PAY BACK EVERY CENT YOU CHARGED ON MY CREDIT CARD.
BY THE WAY, I DIDN'T GO OUT CLUBBING.
I DIDN'T EVEN LEAVE THE ROOM.
WELL DON'T WORRY, I WON'T TELL ANYONE.
YOU LOOK LIKE SHIT.
YOU SHOULD GO TAKE A SHOWER.
YEAH, PROBABLY I SHOULD.
I MUST STINK.
[ Sniffing .]
YEAH.
SOUNDS LIKE YOU HAD A ROUGH NIGHT.
YOU NEED HELP? [ ?????? .]
Michael: WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE'S STAYING HERE? I TALKED TO HIS MOM.
SHE'S ALL FOR IT.
WELL I'M NOT! WELL WHAT DO YOU CARE? YOU'RE MOV- ING IN WITH DAVID.
IT'S STILL MY ROOM.
IT'S STILL GOT SOME OF MY THINGS IN IT.
WELL MAYBE YOU'D LIKE TO MOVE SOME OF YOUR THINGS OUT.
SUNSHINE'S GONNA NEED THE CLOSET SPACE.
THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT.
THANKS A FUCKING LOT.
WAIT A MINUTE.
BRIAN FINALLY DID SOMETHING RIGHT.
Brian: WHY, DEB, THAT'S THE SWEETEST THING YOU'VE EVER SAID TO ME.
DON'T PRESS YOUR LUCK.
Justin: DON'T WORRY.
I PROMISE I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.
YOU BETTER, 'CAUSE I'M GOING TO BE DOING UN- SCHEDULED CHECKS.
AND IF ANY- THING'S MISSING, OR DAMAGED [ Snicker .]
WHY DON'T YOU TWO BOYS RUN ALONG, AND LET ME EX- PLAIN THE RULES OF THE HOUSE TO THE NEWEST MEMBER OF OUR FAMILY? MORE RULES? STARTING WITH: NO BRINGING TRICKS HOME AFTER MIDNIGHT.
HEY! THE TRAVELLER RETURNS! SO HOW WAS NEW YORK? I WELL I REALLY DIDN'T GET TO SEE MUCH OF IT.
WELL, IN A WAY, I'M GLAD.
GIVES ME THE CHANCE TO SHOW YOU MYSELF.
OH, SO, UM CAN I GET ME SOME- THING TO EAT? YOU JUST FINISHED MY SENTENCE.
I'M SORRY.
NO, NO.
THAT'S NICE.
NICE.
OH.
GO.
I'VE BEEN THINKING A LOT ABOUT MOVING IN.
MM-HM.
I WAS THINKING ABOUT IT PRACTICALLY THE ENTIRE TIME.
[ Chuckle .]
AND? AND I LOVE YOU.
I REALLY DO.
BUT THE ANSWER IS NO? I'M JUST NOT READY.
OH, I-I UNDERSTAND.
YOU DO? ALL THE EXCITE- MENT AND THE ADVENTURE OF TAKING OFF IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, WITH YOUR FRIENDS TO NEW YORK.
BEING WITH BRIAN.
THE MEMORIES.
THE HISTORY.
I CAN'T COMPETE WITH THAT.
NO, ALL I HAVE TO OFFER IS ME.
US.
THIS HOME.
[ Sniffle .]
CAN'T WE STILL BE BOYFRIENDS? WE COULD BE.
BUT I-I DON'T WANT A BOY- FRIEND, MICHAEL.
I WANT A PARTNER.
[ Sighing .]
[ Splashing of shower .]
David: MORNING, BEAUTIFUL.
I DIDN'T WANT TO WAKE YOU.
COME ON IN.
SO, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ON THIS BEAUTIFUL SUNDAY MORNING? WELL, I THOUGHT WE'D MAKE BREAKFAST, AND THEN WE'D READ THE PAPER, AND THEN WE'D SPEND THE REST OF THE DAY IN BED.
[ ?????? .]
JUST WHAT I HAD IN MIND.
?? GOING TO MISS HIM INSIDE MY HEART ?? ?? WHEN THERE'S SPRINGTIME IN THE AIR ?? ?? LONELINESS TEARING ME APART ?? CLOSED CAPTIONED BYCOMPREHENSIVE DISTRIBUTORS.
?? I KEEP ON ASKING THE GODS ABOVE ?? ?? TO SEND MY LOVE BACK TO ME ?? ?? OH PLEASE LET THESE DAYS AND WEEKS ?? ?? PASS BY SO QUICKLY ?? ?? NOBODY SUFFERS LIKE I DO ?? ?? NOBODY ELSE, OH, NO ?? ?? NOBODY SUFFERS LIKE I DO ?? ?? NOBODY ELSE ?? ?? BUT YOU ?? ?? YOU HAVE TO LEAVE ?? ?? I KNOW ?? ?? YOU SAID YOU WOULD BE BACK SOON ?? ?? SOON IS NOT SOON ENOUGH ?? MOO!