Frasier s01e11 Episode Script

No, I've never had a serious boyfriend.
No one's really been interested.
Men can be such pigs.
People did try to fix me up.
In Manchester, me mum was steering me towards the butcher's son.
Pasty little thing, didn't fancy him.
I suppose I like my gents more on the manly side.
Was that a little swan you made? No, it was a B-52.
Dr Jennings rang.
Dad skipped his physical again! No wonder he didn't want me to go with him.
You know Dad's aversion to doctors.
Why didn't you take him? I had my "fear of abandonment" workshop.
I've already skipped twice.
Wait till your father gets here.
I'll give him a piece of my mind.
If only we knew when he was about to arrive.
Hey! How you doing, boy? I'm glad to see you, too.
- How was your exam? - Pretty routine.
- EKG? - Perfect.
- Blood pressure? - Textbook.
Full blood panel? I told them to take two - they're small.
Oh, let's give a look.
Oh, look at this! A nice big Band-Aid! Nice try.
What'd you do that for? Dr Jennings' office said you hadn't shown up today.
Why do you avoid the doctor? Because I feel fine.
And I don't like Dr Jennings.
He's got a model of a colon on his desk.
He keeps his tongue depressors in it.
All right, Dad.
Why don't you see my doctor? - She's one of the finest in Seattle.
- She? No, no, no way.
If a doctor's going to have me bend over, I want to look through my legs and see wing tips.
Women have been poked and prodded by male doctors for centuries.
I say it's high time you gents went to a woman doctor.
See how you like waiting all naked and helpless and goose-bumpy.
Niles, recommend someone.
Niles! I'm sorry, my mind was somewhere else.
Oh, I know who you should see! Dr Gary Newman! He's very successful.
I saw a Lichtenstein hanging in his office.
A Lichtenstein? He sounds perfect.
OK.
I'll make an appointment.
Just hang on a second.
I will escort you personally.
- Wonderful, I can't wait.
- Stop grumbling.
It won't be so bad.
Unless you have to parade around the office in one of those gowns where your bum peaks through.
What's Dr Newman's number? Niles Niles! Sorry, I must have drifted off again.
My appointment was meant to be half an hour ago.
Let's get out of here.
Relax.
Read a magazine.
Here, take the Cosmo quiz.
"Are your nipples sensitive?" Do it quietly.
It's not an oral exam.
You haven't seen the second question.
Did you keep your patients waiting? Just the compulsives.
It was part of their therapy.
Relax, I'll take care of it.
My father had an appointment The doctor's running late.
You'll be first when he gets in.
Where's he coming from, Spokane? From Lake Chelan.
Lake Chelan? Ooh! This guy must be terrific.
- So? - He'll be here any minute.
I was just struck by one of life's little ironies, I remember you taking me to the doctor and here I am taking you.
Like when I took you for your first tetanus shot.
I was scared.
I remember you holding my hand.
You bent over, dropped your drawers.
You took your mind off the shot by reciting the names of Puccini's operas.
Right then, I knew you'd never be a cop.
I'm serious, let's go! I'll check if there's someone substituting for him.
What are you here for? Oh, lately, I've been having this overall sluggish feeling.
It's hard even getting out of bed, not to mention the cold weather.
It's really making my joints hurt.
I've started to notice flaking spots on my skin.
What about you? I have sensitive nipples.
The doctor won't be able to make your appointment today.
Great! These big shot doctors keep you waiting for an hour and then they don't even show up.
Played a little slow on the golf course? Arrogant JERK! Dad, Dad, Dad.
Dr Newman is dead.
He died an hour ago.
I'm sure he was a good man.
He walks down his walkway, he picks up his newspaper, and BANG, he drops dead of a heart attack.
I pick up my newspaper every day, and "The Sunday Times" is very heavy.
Well, these things happen.
How can you say that? He wasn't old! He was my age! What can I say? I don't think about these things like you do.
Maybe it's because you're 41 and I'm not.
Don't you ever think about dying? Well, not me dying.
But you know what I have thought of lately? I've been dating this older guy and what if You know We were in bed and he dropped dead? It's a possibility.
Sometimes he starts breathing funny.
I don't know if he's having a good time or if I've overexcited him.
Someone has a very high opinion of herself.
Everybody's good at something.
Why is it that every time we talk, we end up talking about your sex life? Because I have one.
(Footsteps) Thank you for coming.
- Hello.
- Hello, Dr Crane.
I was in the middle of my workout, but I can always pump iron later.
I'll just fix us a snack.
"Pump iron" (!) Niles, you don't even pump your own gas.
All right.
What's this about getting your affairs in order? Dr Newman dying so young threw me for a loop.
I realised I hadn't made the proper provisions for my own death.
Here we go.
- Allow me.
- Thanks.
I've prepared copies for you, the location and numbers of my bank accounts, my safety deposit keys, the number for my attorney Niles, what are you doing? Oh, give me that! I loosened it for him.
Now, my personal possessions.
This is for family only.
Please stay.
I'll come to you later.
Dad, Niles, put your names on these stickers and place them on the objects you would like bequeathed to you.
I'm not putting my name on your stuff! What if I die tomorrow? You will argue over that African mask.
It'll never happen.
Niles, you can have it.
I don't want it.
Don't look at me.
I throw a towel over it when you're not home.
OK, fine.
Well, now we come to the issue of my remains.
- Oh, jeez! - It's all here in this easy-to-read binder.
This is taking it too far! Look at this! Burial Casket Caterers? - Who are you using? - Michaelson's.
They're very good.
- Bowtie pasta - And the asparagus tips Excuse me! Excuse me! Are we done? There is just one more duck to put in the row.
I've discovered that most unexpected deaths occur in the home.
Daphne, this is where you come in, the actual finding of the body.
Oh, save the best part for me, eh? That's all right.
As a health-care provider, I've had my share of patients die on me.
That's a comfort.
Maybe we should drop the subject.
This has made me feel better.
I can handle my mortality better now.
Enough about death! Let's celebrate life with this Chateau Certan '75! No, not the '75.
That's too good for the likes of us.
Perhaps a Beaujolais Nouveau would be more appropriate.
Eddie? Oh, there you are.
Come on, boy.
Frasier, what are you still doing up? Frasier! Dad, please, shh.
I'm trying to listen to my heartbeat.
It's amazing, it can pump 1,800 gallons of blood each and every day but just a tiny tear in the tiniest artery, and poof you're gone.
I thought you were OK about this.
So did I.
What is the matter with me? I thought that putting my affairs in order would help me to deal with this, but it hasn't.
I can't seem to get over the feeling that something could happen to me.
Jeez, I'd miss so much.
I'd never get to see my son hit his first home run.
That'd be a terrible thing for a father to miss.
Tell me about it.
Look, let me tell you something.
There was this time, a while back, seven or eight of us were on this drug bust.
We went through the front door and the first guy took one, he died.
When you're a cop, you've got to handle things like that, but I just couldn't get over it.
Every time I had to go in a dark building, I froze.
I knew if I kept being afraid, I'd never be able to do my job.
- So what did you do? - I forced myself to forget it.
Next time I came to one of those doors, I went right through it! The fact that I got shot in the hip was purely coincidental.
You were this close to helping me.
Just because some doctor dies doesn't mean you will.
Yeah, but he was just like me, highly educated, sophisticated.
I saw his picture in a medical journal.
He even looked like me.
Same determined chin, sweater vest, ever so slightly receding hairline.
You don't know his medical history.
Actually, you're onto something there, Dad.
Yeah He could've had high blood pressure, popped pills, drank like a fish.
Yeah, could be anything.
I'll find out what caused his heart attack.
Then I can disassociate myself from him.
There must be some explanation.
That's great, Dad.
I feel better now.
You've got something on your bathrobe.
"Niles".
The vultures are circling.
Come on, Eddie.
(Tapping at door) (Hushed) Hello.
I called earlier.
Someone said Mrs Newman would be here.
Please, come in.
I'm Allen Freedman.
Gary was my cousin.
Dr Frasier Crane.
My condolences.
I didn't know Mrs Newman had company.
- It's shivah.
- Excuse me? It's the Jewish version of a wake.
Oh, yes, of course.
- I didn't realise Gary was Jewish.
- You're kidding? We did spend a lot of time together.
Never on Friday nights, of course.
This is a bad time.
Jill would love to know you came.
She's right over there.
- She looks busy.
Well, I can wait.
- Will you excuse me? May I help you? Oh, this is a mirror.
I thought maybe you were having an unveiling later.
You're not Jewish, are you? No, no, my ex-wife is, though, and thus my son is, which makes me sort of, well No, I'm not Jewish.
We always cover mirrors at a shivah so those grieving don't have to be concerned with their appearances.
Well, you look very nice.
Oh, thank you.
It's been driving me crazy.
- I'm Bobbie, Gary's aunt.
- Dr Frasier Crane.
My sympathies.
The doctor with the radio show? - Did you know Gary well? - Oh, well.
Yes, I did.
There was so much more I wanted to know about the man.
I don't know Eh How was his health before he died? - Excellent, he was never sick.
- Heart disease? - High blood pressure or cholesterol? - No.
I'm sorry, I'm asking too many questions.
We doctors are always looking for the answers.
- Oh, Gail! - Aunt Bobbie! I know, I know.
I'd like you to meet a friend of Gary's, Dr Frasier Crane.
Dr Crane? From the radio? Yes.
I'm sorry for your loss.
I love your show! Oh, I'm sorry.
When I went to pick up this Linzer torte, I thought of Gary and So Gary liked fattening desserts? Oh, no.
If he knew I brought this here, he'd kill me.
Gary was a health fanatic.
A vegetarian.
We played basketball every Sunday.
So he was sedentary all week and then burning up the court on Sundays? No, he played four times a week if he wasn't at the gym working out.
- Gary was in phenomenal shape.
- Didn't smoke, never touched coffee.
My goodness, has anybody checked to see if he's really dead? I'm I'm sure they did check.
Those people are very thorough.
Oh, my, is that Kugel? Excuse me.
Mrs Newman.
I'm Dr Frasier Crane.
I was a friend of your husband's.
- Dr Crane! From - Yes, the radio.
- Gary never mentioned you.
- Well, we weren't actually friends.
He had an office in my brother's building.
You took the time to come here! His own partner stayed only 15 minutes.
Well, there is a reason I came to talk to you.
- Which is? - It's about Gary.
- About how he - Yes? I'm sorry I bothered you.
I just came to offer my sympathies.
No, wait, um Dr Crane I listen to you all the time and Well, maybe you could help me.
What would you tell someone who called in and said they can't get over why someone died? I keep running this over and over in my mind and I just can't understand how someone like Gary, who did everything right, can just die.
I can't make any sense of it.
Mrs Newman I know you'd like me to come up with an answer to this whole thing, but I don't have one.
Someone who consumes cigarettes and burgers can live to be 83 and then someone who takes care of himself can die at 41.
It's unfair.
Well, there's no explanation for it.
Believe me, I've checked.
But I suppose the best we can do is live for the little joys and surprises that life affords us.
You can't spend your life being obsessed with death.
You're not Jewish, are you? No, I'm not, but Well, thank you for letting me be here today.
Thank you for coming, Dr Crane.
Oh, Dr Crane! It was very nice what you said about living life for the little joys and surprises it can give us.
- Yes.
- Thank you.
- If only I believed it myself.
- Excuse me.
Um, this is clearly the most inappropriate thing I've ever done in my life, but I was watching you and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance to see you again and something about you tells me I'd like to.
If you'd like to get together sometime, give me a call.
# Baby, I hear the blues a-calling # Tossed salads and scrambled eggs # Mercy! # Maybe I seem I bit confused # Well, maybe but I got you pegged! # But I don't know what to do with those # Tossed salads and scrambled eggs # They're calling again # Frasier has left the building.