Married with Children s01e11 Episode Script

* Love and marriage * * Go together like * * A horse and carriage * * This I tell ya, brother * * You can't have one * * Without the other * * Love and marriage * * It's an institute * * You can't disparage * * Ask the local gentry * * And they will say It's elementary * * Try, try, try To separate them * * It's an illusion * * Try, try, try And you will only come * * To this conclusion * * Love and marriage ** Mom, you're cooking! Well, it's not every year Kelly gets promoted to the next grade.
You know, Kel, for a while there I was catching up with you.
Another couple of years and we'd have been in the same grade.
You could have gone out with my friend Moosie.
Oh, I couldn't.
Word around school is that you're dating him.
Come on now, kids.
We're Bundys.
How often do we get to be happy? Kelly, I'm so proud of you.
I remember your first day of school, How we both cried.
And then you discovered boys, and I discovered daytime television.
You know one of these days you're gonna marry one of those boys, and then you'll discover daytime television.
Is it okay if I have a life first, Mom? Sure, give it a try.
Hi, honey.
Peg, I heard some bad news on the radio driving home.
If you don't use it, you lose it? What do I care? You already got it.
Hey, you know Gary, the guy who owns the shoe store, well, he was in a plane that crashed into the ocean off the coast of Hawaii.
Gee, everybody gets to go to Hawaii but us.
Peg, for a change, you don't understand.
A human life has just been snuffed out.
Who's going to sign my paycheck? What's to sign? They just hand you a roll of nickels.
Well, it isn't anything compared to what you bring home, like the swine flu you brought back from your family reunion.
Look, I could end up unemployed here.
Now, how am I gonna pay my bills? Well, if Kelly ever graduates, we're gonna have a heck of a lawsuit against the board of education.
We can't count on that, Bud.
You know, they already call us the Poor Bundys.
I mean, what will they call us when we have no money? Those darn poachers? Eh, what am I worried about? They're not gonna fire me.
I got experience, I got They're not gonna fire me.
You know what really bothers me about this death thing? Here's a guy lying dead at the bottom of the ocean.
And he never even took the time to meet me.
Well, I bet he's sorry now, Al.
Yeah, you bet.
You know, I worked for this guy for years and he never even knew that I was alive.
You know, I never thought of this before, but I deserve some recognition.
Everybody deserves a pat on the back every now and then.
Yeah, what about me, Al? I'm sorry, honey.
I was talking about people who work.
Now there will be new owners that will ignore me.
Well, you know, after the family stops bereaving and all.
You know, Al, maybe we should send something special to the family.
Yeah? How about scuba gear and a body bag? No, you're right, Peg.
We ought to get something big and expensive.
I don't think they'd appreciate your father, so, uh we'll have to do with flowers.
Al, you never even met Gary.
That's the whole point.
When they see my present, they'll remember Al Bundy.
Well, if you wanted that, why don't you just send them your socks? Mom, how do we know this tuna isn't dad's boss? Because we bought it last year.
I'm gonna call the florist right now.
You know, Al, all this talk about death makes you think.
I mean, one minute the breadwinner is still alive, and then the next You have insurance, don't you, Al? Kelly, the guys in here are naked.
If I ever see anything like this in your room again, you can just kiss it goodbye.
Hello! Well, they sent the flowers out.
I sent so many flowers, they'll forget about Gary.
Did you ever think about sending me flowers, Al? Why would I do that? You're still alive.
Well, they should've been delivered by now.
Stay off the phone.
The family will probably be calling any minute.
For 300 bucks, they better.
$300? Al, where did you get $300? Our vacation money.
Oh, Al, I was planning on spending that on clothes.
It's all right.
Our future begins with Gary's death.
Come on, phone, ring.
Tell me you got the flowers.
"What a guy! We're gonna give you a raise.
" Come on, ring.
Hello.
Al, it's the door.
Get it.
I'm on the phone.
Hello.
Hi.
Hi.
Hey, Al, did you hear about Gary? Yeah, he's dead.
Great tragedy, and all that.
Stay off my phone.
Hello.
That's the oven timer, Al.
You cooked? No, it's just a reminder to order dinner.
Don't use my phone.
Gary's widow is gonna call.
No, she's not, Al.
Gary's not dead.
We just heard it on the news.
He's alive? Are you sure? Your boss is quite a guy, Al.
A self-made millionaire.
He was flying his own jet, had an equipment failure, bailed out, and washed ashore at a topless hula school.
They made him a litter from their grass skirts and nursed him to health.
They think he's a god.
So do I.
Aw, gee, isn't that great news, Al? You just spent $300 on flowers for a millionaire so that your family could starve and your wife could go naked.
Believe me, Peg, I'd kill before I let you go naked.
And no jury would convict me, either.
All right, all right, so this guy's still alive.
Fine, good.
So, when he gets home, he'll see the flowers, see how much I care, and I'll still get my raise.
This'll be the best 300 bucks I ever spent.
I don't think he's going to see your flowers, Al.
They said the family sent all the flowers out to his favorite charities.
Oh, well, gee, I hope they send some to the poor and stupid home, 'cause that's where we'll be in a few years.
I told you we're not going to live with your mother.
Well, Al, at least you have a boss who is still alive.
Stand back.
It's Mardi gras time.
I got the same stinking job I always had, but I'm out 300 bucks.
The only thing I ever wanted out of this death was a little recognition.
Now, not only is Gary not dead, he still doesn't know I'm alive.
But you know, honey, sometimes at night, I'm not sure, either But then you burp.
You know, Peg, why don't we just get you a pointed hat with a bell on top? Then you could squirt me with seltzer.
Doesn't anybody understand what I'm talking about? I work for a guy who wouldn't spit on me if he saw me.
Aw, come on, Al.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
I'm sure he'd spit on you if he saw you.
Yeah, I'm sure you're out there shooting hoops with Mr.
Savings and Loan.
Look, I don't know the guy who owns the bank.
Who knows his boss today? Who cares? Well, I do.
I'm going to meet my boss.
He owes me that.
I'm tracking him down.
I'm going to give Gary 30 days to meet me face to face in Chicago.
He's going to shake my hand, he's going to say, "Thank you, Al Bundy.
Nice job.
" What if he doesn't? Then I'm going to quit.
Mom, what are you humming about? This is the day Dad said he's going to quit.
So young, so young.
Your father's not going to quit.
From the time he gets home to the time he goes to sleep, he hasn't talked about anything else.
Yes, but have you notice, in the last week, he hasn't mentioned it at all? That's just your father's way of saying, "Oops!" Don't worry, honey.
Your father's not going to quit.
I don't know.
He's a proud man, Mom.
Of what, dear? I don't know, but in case you're wrong, I figured out a couple of ways for us to cut back.
Oddly enough, they all involve Kelly.
I say we make a clean break right now before we become attached to her.
Bud, she's my daughter.
She's my sister and I'm willing to give her up.
All right.
Who put this ad in the paper? "Cheap blond, "seeks job out of state, No reading or writing, please.
" Now listen, the day that I have to get a job, is the day that I walk out of this house.
I feel the same way.
Dad's not really going to quit is he? I mean, it's like you always tell me- "If a man doesn't work, he's no use at all.
" Don't you think your father knows that? Just don't say anything to anyone about Gary, and I'm sure this whole thing will blow over.
As long as no one knows, your father will never quit.
Five, four, three, two, one! Goodbye, Al! So long, shoe man.
You guys are pretty jolly.
Don't you understand I'm doing this for us, the little guys And one large woman.
If I can meet my boss, maybe you can meet yours.
I don't want to meet my boss, Al.
I steal.
Hey, we came to see you leave.
Don't let us down.
I'm going.
I'm going.
Wait a second.
Have you seen any sign of a rich guy in the parking lot? A helicopter, a plane, a guy in a suit, anything? Let me check.
Hey, Ed, do you see the rich guy coming? I can't quite hear you.
Some guy in a ski mask just set off his car alarm trying to get in.
Hey, mister, no need to break that window.
I got a coat hanger you can use.
Look, I got another appointment.
So if you're not gonna leave, at least impale yourself on your shoehorn.
I said I was going, and I'm going, but let me tell you something.
I'm not going to just disappear.
You'll see me again.
Wherever a fat woman shoves a smelly foot in front of some poor guy's face I'll be there.
Whenever someone comes into the store and tries to exchange a pair of shoes he's been wearing for three months, I'll be there.
Whenever kids come in, take off their old shoes, and try to sneak out with new ones, I'll be there too.
Madam When Shamu needs a mate, you'll be there.
Gee, Al, it's almost You think you might want to get dressed? What for? Aesthetics, and so you'll look more dignified when you go beg for your job back.
I can't do that.
You know what would happen if I went back? Yeah, I could go back to enjoying my days.
What do you think I like being here with you? It's not like I haven't checked out the want ads.
Look at this.
All these jobs want a college degree or computer skills, or worse- references.
What am I supposed to do? Stoop as low as this cheap blond who can't read or write? I don't know.
Maybe I should have gone into my father's line of work.
Al, they have automatic pinsetters now.
Ah, it's probably just as well.
I remember many's a night he'd wake up in a cold sweat yelling, "Wait! Wait!" Hey, kids, your father just moved.
What are you doing? I'm gonna watch the ballgame.
Excuse me.
Spell That Word is coming on.
And Al, during the day, this remote control is mine.
And now, for the His and Her Car Wax- Uh-oh, this is a long one- Spell newspaper.
Take me, Trevor, take me.
Take me.
Where? Who's that? That's Jade, the one with the haunted past.
I thought Iris has the haunted past.
That's another show.
Ooh, this really is better, Jane.
Who's that? All, that's the lady who sells soap.
It's a commercial.
I can't stand this anymore.
You've been home for one day.
And you are driving me crazy.
What did I do? How am I driving you crazy? Who's that? Oh Go back to work! Who's that? Hello.
Hi.
We brought you some leftovers.
Vegetarian fajitas and tofu croquettes.
Now don't get the wrong idea, Al.
We are not doing this because you're out of work.
It's just a coincidence, we happened to make too much.
You'd really be doing us a favor taking it off our hands.
Ah, who are we kidding? It's charity.
So, how you doing buddy, enjoying your first day out of work? Ooh, nice pajamas.
Unemployment's really agreeing with you, big guy.
Well, it all comes down to priorities.
What's more important, pride or money? Money, Al.
I love it.
I love to look at it, be around it, and count it.
That's why I went into the bank biz.
But that's me, and you're out of work.
But hang in there, there's plenty of work for a man with your qualifications.
Did you ever try to shoe a horse, Al? You know, you are tall enough to be Goofy at Disney World.
Of course, you'd have to relocate, But they have real nice trailer parks there.
You're enjoying yourself, aren't you, Steve? Remember what you did to my dog, Al? Yes, I do.
To continue, then.
You could get yourself some flowers and sell them at the expressway off-ramp.
Now, Steve.
Oh, can't I do one more? Well okay.
You could sell your blood, Al.
They give you juice and cookies afterwards.
Gee, Al, if you could stagger home without spilling the juice, that would be dinner for the family.
Personally, Al, I admire your conviction.
Throughout history, many men, considered great in retrospect, had to stand alone for their beliefs.
Although I think Al's the first shoe salesman.
We're gonna go upstairs and listen to some records.
Who's the guy in the pajamas? Is that your dad? Are you kidding? No, no.
My father's in prison.
Um That's just my mom's boyfriend.
Oh, cool.
Do they have to be here? Yes, Al.
Until the state takes them from us.
Hey, Dad.
This is Teddy.
His dad's been unemployed for seven years.
So he's gonna drop by tomorrow and teach you how to play a game called three-card monte.
Yeah, it really gets us through some hard times, and it doesn't interfere with welfare.
Oh, kids, juice and cookies for supper tomorrow.
I'm sorry, Peg, but after 16 years of marriage, I have no blood left to give.
I have no choice, I'm going back to work.
Oh, that's wonderful, Al.
I'll tell you what, I'll bring the kids down tomorrow.
You can buy us lunch.
I just love you so much more when you're not at home.
Poor Al.
He really thought he was somebody.
We knew he wasn't.
Gee, I guess we should have told him.
You think we should tell him now? Yeah.
Al, you're not somebody.
But then, neither are we.
Sure, we made fun of you, but deep down we were really hoping the rich guy would show.
All of us mall guys feel that way.
You were right, Ed.
He came crawling back after one day.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, I guess they ran out of bags at the jewelry store.
These two guys are carrying the stuff out loose.
Hey, slow down, boys.
It's too hot to be running in this heat.
God, this is ugly.
That's your reflection, Kel.
Hi, honey.
I was going to bring you a sandwich you know, to save some money, but then I figured, why bother? Let's go eat.
Well, well, well.
Prince of the Penny Loafers.
King of the Canvas-backed High Tops.
He's back.
You're back.
Well, where's your pride now, shoe man? Hey, Al, isn't she the one that got wedged in the escalator? You must be the wife.
And you must be why they're starving in China.
Is Al Bundy around? Over there.
Another spectator.
Go ahead.
Take your shot.
I'm not sure what you're talking about.
I just want to meet Al Bundy and shake his hand.
Just who are you? Gary.
Gary Patterson.
I own this place.
You're Ga- You're Gary? Our Gary from Gary's Shoes and Accessories for Today's Woman? I'm Al Bundy.
You know something? I got your letter, and it really affected me.
After years of sleeping with beautiful women and living life just for fun, I thought I'd visit the trenches, say thanks, and get back to the beach.
You know, I know a great beach over at my house.
Uh, Gar, as you might have guessed, this is the wife.
Hit the showers, Peg.
Al, I want you to know I appreciate what you're doing here.
One day, I would like to have you on my yacht.
Of course I won't, but I want you to know that the next beautiful woman I bed down is dedicated to you.
Could you make it a blond? They make life worth living, don't they? I wouldn't know.
How about showing me around? Sure.
Yeah, well, over here we have some shoes.
And over here's more shoes.
Eh, here's an old bag.
Back here in the stockroom is where we keep the rest of the shoes.
Gee, he did it.
He actually got the owner here.
You should be proud, kids.
There's a very special man in there, and he's talking to your father.
You see, Daddy really does count.
Twenty-three, 24, 25.
The deal was for 50.
Worth every penny.
They really thought you were Gary, Nick.
I've got alimony.
I'll do anything for money.
Twenty-six, 27 excuse me.