Mike & Molly s01e11 Episode Script

Wow, what a fun night.
We got to watch two guys joust while eating wild boar with our bare hands.
Wild boar my ass, it was ham loaf.
Let us not quibble, saucy wench.
Oh, apologies, sire.
Maybe next weekend, we can go to the museum.
Uh, maybe.
We'll talk about it.
- Why the hell's the chain on? - Who's in there? I don't know.
The only other person who has a key is Carl.
- Why does Carl have a key? - Oh, I gave him one in case I'm out of town.
I need him to bring in mail, water my plants.
Well, you're not out of town and you don't have any plants.
Well, he's probably in there doing some broad.
Mike, that's disgusting.
Sorry.
He's in there making love to some broad.
- Oh.
- Ow.
So you're telling me now he's in there having sex on our bed? I don't think so.
Carl likes to stand and deliver.
Oh, God.
I don't wanna know that.
How often does this happen? I gave him the key about four years ago, so what is that? Once every four years.
- We're going back to my place.
- I don't know about that.
I'm still not real comfortable sleeping over with your mom and sister within earshot.
Come on, girl, spank my butt.
Please.
Your place, it is.
Make haste.
Make haste.
Morning, sunshine.
- Morning.
- Did you sleep okay? Mm-hmm.
You must've been really exhausted last night.
The minute your head hit the pillow, you were out like a light.
Nothing could wake you.
Not whispering in your ear, not massaging your shoulders.
Not a gentle tap with ye old jousting pole.
You know, some nights, Mike, we're just gonna go to sleep.
- That's not a problem, is it? - No, not at all.
Besides, it's the waking up next to you that I live for.
And how many times last night did I say: "Please stop poking me in the back with your jousting pole"? - Four.
You had to say it four times.
- Ha, ha.
Well, unh, I guess on the upside, Carl got to have sex last night.
Oh, there it is.
The minute he's out of there, I'll bring in an entire cleaning crew.
Guys that do crime scenes, they can get brains out of air vents.
I just thought your apartment was our secret little getaway.
A place where no one would bother us.
And now, it just feels like the happy ending room at the Chicken Ranch.
I'll get the key back from him.
If he needs it again, he can schedule something.
You are really not hearing me.
I'm talking about on one of our sex-free nights.
By the way, how often's that gonna happen? You know, so I can bring over a book or a puzzle.
You're a real class act, Vince.
Oh, you need your space? What you need is hair plugs and a breath mint.
- What's going on? - Mom's breaking up with Vince.
Fine.
I want my garage clicker and my Walgreens senior discount card.
Let's see what kind of Casanova you are when paying full price for your boner pills.
Mmm, coffee.
Forget that creep.
You could do better than him.
And I will.
What do you men want from us? We cook for you, we clean for you, we destroy our bodies giving you children.
Not that I'd trade either one of you for my old boobs.
You know, I would love to stay and chat, but I should probably skedaddle.
Oh, yeah, that's what you do best.
You run.
Leaving us with nothing but heartache and a crotch full of stubble burn.
You know what? I don't need any coffee.
I am wide awake.
Bye-bye.
You know, if they'd invent a vibrator that killed spiders and did the cha-cha we wouldn't need any of them.
Mm-mm-mmm.
There's nothing like a night of good loving to make a man feel alive.
I wouldn't know.
Going through a little bit of a dry spell, are you? Don't worry, I'm getting enough for the both of us.
Good for you.
I want my key back.
What are you talking about? I haven't ridden all the rides, and you're trying to shut down Six Flags Over Carl.
- Why can't you go to her place? - I'm not comfortable having sex in a bunk bed with her sister underneath us cooking kimchi on a hot plate.
- Wait, she's Korean? - I think she's Korean.
Is "Carl, too beaucoup" Korean? No, "Carl, too beaucoup" is a lie.
Whatever.
You gotta give me one more night.
- Oh, Carl.
- Please.
I can't bring her back to my place.
My grandma's gonna make her do the laundry.
I can give you one more night, I need the key back.
Thank you.
You're a great man.
Which, by the way, in Korean is: - Heard that a lot last night.
- Ah.
All right, the dishes have been washed and dried.
Oh, wait, there's one more dish.
- I think this one, I'll just lick clean.
- Ha, ha, Mike.
Ha, ha.
Wanna go upstairs and burn off dinner? I can't.
I have, like, three-hours worth of papers to grade.
Three hours? What am I supposed to do for three hours? What did you do before you had a girlfriend? I didn't do dishes, I can tell you that.
- Go watch TV.
- So is that it? - We're never gonna have sex again? - What is the matter with you? - It's only been one night.
- But it's a bad pattern.
You hear about couples that lose that part of their relationship.
Next thing you know, she's joined a book club and he's rubbing up against old ladies in a grocery store.
Listen to me.
I didn't say "not at all" or "never again.
" - I said "not now," okay? - Okay.
So we're still in that hot, crazy can't-get-enough-of-that-funky-stuff phase, right? Absolutely.
If I didn't have to eat, bathe or earn a living I'd never unwrap my legs from around your mighty torso.
- Really? - Mm-hmm, yep, 24/7.
Sex, sex, sex.
All right.
And even though I know you're shining me on, I'll take it.
- Seventy-five thousand cases of alien abduction have been - Hey, Victoria.
- Whoa.
Where did you come from? The kitchen.
What are you watching? A very informative documentary on UFOs and extraterrestrials.
Yeah, but you don't actually believe that we've been visited by aliens, do you? Yes, I do.
And they're not just visiting.
They're here.
Really? Haven't you ever been in a conversation with somebody and the whole time you're thinking, "Wow, this person is from another planet.
" Yes.
Well, there you go.
Seeing is believing, Mike.
Same thing with Bigfoot.
Wait, now, hold on.
Now you're telling me you believe in Bigfoot? I didn't used to.
Till I saw him running away from our campsite with a can of Pringles and a bag of weed.
I see.
So Bigfoot stole marijuana from you? That's messed up, right? Totally uncool, yeah.
And what is camping without weed? I'll tell you what it is.
It's just sleeping outside.
You know, that's actually very true.
So, yes, I do believe in Bigfoot and, yes, I think he's a total jerk.
Mrs.
Flynn, you all right? Fine.
- Okey-doke.
Damn it.
My penchant for chivalry is nothing but a curse.
Coming in.
You decent? Anything I can get you? I want my youth back.
I was thinking more along the lines of a Fresca or a piece of toast.
You know, when I was young, I was considered quite the catch.
And not just because I put out.
I can see that.
And may I say, you're still a very attractive woman.
Yeah.
And I'm in good shape too.
I do Pilates three times a week and I'm a lifetime Kegeler.
Hey, you wanna see a picture of me when I was third runner-up for Miss Cook County? Well, I gotta, um I'd love to.
This was before I met Molly's dad.
I would've finished higher but apparently, Miss Congeniality's special talent was sword swallowing if you get my drift.
Hey, where's Mike? He went upstairs.
- Everything okay? - I guess.
He got bent out of shape when I lit up a doobie.
I mean, I get it, he's a cop, it's against the law but still, dude needs to chill.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
Hey, heh, what are you doing? Just looking at some old family pictures with your mom.
Look at you running around all naked in a Water Wiggle.
Oh, great.
Uh, hey, I was just going to bed.
Would you like to join me? Yeah, in a minute.
Look, your senior prom.
You and your cousin Jerry made a very handsome couple.
For the record, he was a wonderful dancer.
- Here's your key.
- Thanks.
You did the laundry? Sheets, pillow cases, towels and drapes.
- Drapes? - We were out of towels.
Ugh! You realize I eat my meals in that apartment.
Don't worry.
The kitchen table's fine.
But I wouldn't eat any fruit or go near the butter.
If you like this woman, you might consider introducing her to your grandmother having a relationship under your roof.
No, it's not that kind of thing.
I had to cut her loose.
She was getting too clingy.
You just have your way with her then kick her to the curb.
Hey, I made no promises.
Before we ever hooked up, I told her I could not be tied down.
Turns out I could be tied down and punished, punished, punished.
I hope you let that woman down gently and didn't make her think it was her fault.
I told her it was me.
I was all messed up in the head and I needed some space.
Oh, Carl, they can see right through that.
They know you're saying they're too old or not pretty enough.
I can't tell how old she is.
She's got that Asian thing.
She could be 18 or 80.
Real nice, Mr.
Sensitive.
What's with you today anyway? Did you think this woman might have real feelings for you, you've broken her heart? Well, it's better to have loved Carl and lost him than to never have loved Carl at all.
Men.
- What did you say? - You heard me.
Oh, yeah, just hanging out, watching the game, doing guy stuff.
Hey, how's your mom? Is she okay? Don't let her sit up in her room all night.
She needs to get out, engage with people.
- Boom, there it is.
- He is not getting up from that.
- Fellas, I am on the phone here.
- Hey, you're missing this.
- They're bringing out the stretcher.
- Shh, please.
See if you can't get your mom out of her bathrobe into something that makes her feel pretty.
Ask Victoria to help so she feels included.
Hey, Mike.
I'm gonna have to call you back.
Why did you invite us if you're gonna talk to your girlfriend? She's worried about her mom, she just got dumped by some jerk.
Sound familiar, Carl? Whoa, don't get your panties in a bunch, Mary Kay.
Perhaps it is his time of the month.
Well, he does look a little bloated.
If you knew what a menstrual cycle does to a woman both physically and emotionally, you would not joke.
Oh, yes.
His egg has dropped.
Know what? I'm gonna take a little walk.
- Uh, why? - I need a little time to myself.
Is that all right with you, Mr.
Man? I hope he went out for a Midol and chocolate.
- Another profiterole, Joyce? - Oh, I probably shouldn't.
Please, if I had your figure, I'd be sucking up those babies like an anteater.
- You're terrible.
- I know.
I thought you wanted to hang out with your friends.
Isn't that what I'm doing? Aw! I'll get it, ladies.
You sit.
Enjoy.
- Oh, I just wanna eat him up.
- Well, with your figure, you can.
- Hey.
- Vince, not a good time.
- I need to talk to Joyce.
- I don't know.
She's pretty upset.
- Who is it? - It's me, Vince.
- I'm sorry, lamb chop.
- Get the hell off my porch.
- Please, let me explain.
- What's to explain? You wanted space? Go sit on a missile.
- Vince, let's you and I step outside.
- Beat the crap out of him.
If you're gonna take a poke, I'm begging you, not the face.
That's all I got.
Relax.
Nobody's gonna hit you.
But I wouldn't climb into a cage with Joyce right now.
I did bad, I know.
I thought I had a shot at a 23-year-old dental hygienist.
- 23? - Yeah.
Skin like milk.
Smelled like a puppy.
- Wait, you had sex with this woman? - No, never went that far.
- How far did it go? - I asked her to have sex with me.
And she said no.
- Ah, Vince.
- I went crazy.
I saw that young body and all of sudden, I had a full head of hair and a sack I wasn't sitting on.
Do you have any idea how much you hurt that woman? I know.
And as God as my witness I will never hurt her again and I will do anything to get her back.
All right, I'll talk to her for you.
I can't make any promises.
Hey, leave out the part about the puppy smell.
That sounds a little creepy.
Wait here.
Okay, I'm not telling you what to do but I think that man really cares about you and he's genuinely sorry.
So now you're taking his side? No, I'm not.
It doesn't matter whether I like him or you like him.
It's up to your mom to decide what she wants.
I'd like to smear honey on his ass and stuff him in a bag full of fire ants.
Well, he's still out on the porch and he did say he'd do anything.
Might as well hear what the son of a bitch has to say.
- If I hit him, do you have to arrest me? - You get a free pass on the first.
After that, I gotta step in.
All I need is one.
You guys really stick up for each other, don't you? There's a certain gender loyalty, yes.
Which reminds me, I got the key back from Carl.
- Why are you giving it to me? - I don't know.
I thought you might like to come and go as you please.
- Really? - Yeah, really.
It's a big step, Mike.
I know, but it feels like the right thing to do.
I don't know what to say.
Speechless.
Finally.
Don't push it, pal.
- So can I have a key to your place? - Absolutely not.
- How come? - I'm just not there yet.
Oh.
You're so easy.
It's under the lawn gnome in the backyard.
- Hey, Mike? - Yeah? If I blaze up, are you gonna get all piggly-wiggly on me? You know, Victoria, you don't need to get wasted to have a good time.
What are you talking about? I'm just saying that a person doesn't need drugs or alcohol to enjoy themselves.
I'm not following you.
Give it up.
You can't save everybody in one night, Sir Galahad.
- Let's go to bed.
All right.
But we're not gonna have sex every night.
- You okay with that? - No, you're putting out.
You know, many Africans have played professional basketball but to my knowledge, very few have played professional football.
Huh.
Not surprising.
Those brothers are like 10 feet tall and 65 pounds.
That's a stick of licorice with a helmet on.
Do you have cheerleaders in your country? No, there's not much to cheer about.
Wouldn't it be great if everyone had cheerleaders in their jobs? Just 10 hot bitches screaming, "Go, Carl, go.
" You've been getting, "Go, Carl, go" for the last two nights, haven't you? Yeah, but that's over.
I don't understand.
If it was so good, why did you end it? She wanted to have a real relationship.
Settle down.
But that's not my thing.
I'm more of a lone wolf, prowling the night.
- She broke up with you, didn't she? - She said I was too clingy and emotional.
So it was not "Carl, too beaucoup," it was "Carl, too boohoo.
" Shut up and watch the game.
Whoa.
I wouldn't eat those grapes.