Roseanne s01e11 Episode Script

freeze! d.
j.
, put that back in the box.
i just packed it.
this is my laser gun.
i know, it fried my hair.
if i shoot you, your eyeballs will freeze and you'll turn into a zombie.
that's kind of like your dad when he watches tv.
i heard that.
blast her, d.
j.
- bam! - ahh! good shooting, beldar! thanks.
honey, where do you want this box? oh, god.
even when i'm dead you're asking me where stuff goes.
p.
t.
a.
rummage sale's gonna love me.
well, this house oughta be their headquarters.
why are you giving all this stuff away? we're not giving all this stuff away.
we're just giving the crummy stuff away.
yeah, like we oughta fold you in half and stick you in a box.
ow!ow! - is becky home yet? - not yet.
ow!ow! one kid down, two to go, darlene.
you guys are major dweebs.
oh, thank you, honey.
that means so much to us.
get in that kitchen and rustle me up some grub, woman.
oh, i love it when you talk like a man.
i can't believe you're gonna throw this away.
i wasn't, i was just gonna get it rebristled.
this was in my "to be fixed" box.
oh, you mean your "talked about fixing it" box? dear, i can only fix one thing at a time.
and i'm still working on you.
kiss it goodbye, dan.
i'm tired of all this junk cluttering up my house.
your house? she who cleans it, keeps it.
oh, yeah? well, a man's home is his castle.
- oh, yeah? - yeah.
let's face it, dan, you are a junk junkie, a hardcore pack rat.
i am not.
yeah, you are.
you're right, babe.
i do keep too much stuff cluttering up your house.
what are you gonna do about it? i'm gonna go cold turkey.
starting right now.
so long, old pal.
i'm gonna miss you.
well, i'll leave you two alone.
you know what?i want you to go up in your closet and throw out everything that i hate.
that oughta keep you busy most of the day.
your every wish is my command.
really? oh, yeah, baby.
i love to serve.
well, now i like a guy who knows his place.
hey, is that a toothbrush in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? - don't say a word.
- what? - just come upstairs.
- what'd you do? just come on.
- can i come? - no.
- where are you going? - nowhere.
- what you doing? - nothing.
what is your problem? don't give mom your report card.
okay, darlene, what'd you flunk? i didn't flunk anything.
all right, i got a "d" in history.
mom said one "d" and i was off the basketball team.
that's why you can't show her your report card.
- hey, i got straight a's.
- well, that's your problem.
darlene, you can't take your report card back to school - until mom signs it.
- she is gonna sign it.
but first, i'm gonna change my "d" to a "b.
" - you can't do that.
- watch me.
all i have to do is match the red ink.
- you are nuts.
- becky, you gotta help me.
- no way.
- i'll give you my allowance.
- forget it.
- for a month.
well, maybe.
great.
but if mom catches you, you'll be playing basketball on crutches.
- she's not going to catch me.
- okay.
but i want my money in advance.
mom.
son.
becky and darlene are up to something.
don't be spying on your sisters.
- what are they up to? - something rotten.
well, it's up to you, 007, to find out what.
and you will, because your name is bond james bond.
all right.
what is this? cardboard box.
yeah, but it's filled with all this junk you stole from the other boxes.
honey, this stuff isn't rummage.
dan, i can't help you if you're not willing to help yourself.
hi, i'm dan and i'm a pack rat.
everything i've ever had in my life, i still have.
and what is this? no house should be without a plastic bowling ball on a pedestal.
see, it's also a decanter.
you're in worse shape than i thought.
dan, all of this stuff is going.
please just let me keep one thing.
- please, please? - all right, one thing.
but not that thing.
this is my official canoga beer cuckoo clock.
it's a collector's item.
dan, it's got a bear that comes out on the hour and burps.
that's the canoga bear and he doesn't burp, he growls.
- he burps.
- he growls.
he pops out with a beer mug.
the belching bear goes.
- you really hate him, huh? - i despise it.
well, tell you what.
the clock goes if everything else stays.
are you blackmailing me? you bet your booties.
you're hopeless.
- hi, sis.
- hello.
hi, aunt jackie.
hi, pumpkin butt.
- hi.
- hello.
- where do you want these? - i'll take it.
roseanne, look.
look at this.
i don't even remember buying this thing.
i do.
you got it the same time you got that hissing viper tattoo.
you got a tattoo? well, maybe.
- can i see it? - you're too young.
can i see it? you're too old.
hey, kiddo you gonna stick around and mooch dinner from us tonight? - no, i have a date.
- animal, vegetable or mineral? - booker.
- vegetable.
we're going to the pinewood dinner theater.
booker got tickets to see this great elvis impersonator.
what would you want to go see an impersonator for when the real thing is out there somewhere.
roseanne, don't start.
they spotted elvis just yesterday.
he was in montana.
he was trying to call ann margret from a pay phone.
dAN: hey.
hey, don't make fun of the king.
come on, cilla, fire up the cadillac and let's go to denver for some peanut butter and bacon sandwiches.
i can't go with you, elvis.
i have to go get my hair teased.
good night, ladies and gentlemen.
thank you very much.
elvis is leaving.
thank you.
thank you very much.
i'm leaving.
thank you.
there's no way you're gonna get away with this, darlene.
basketball's almost over.
all i have to do is fool mom for two more weeks.
- shoot! - what's wrong? i can't match his red ink.
crane probably drains the blood out of stray cats to get her ink.
- shh.
- what? i heard something.
you're just paranoid.
no, be quiet.
you're dead, d.
j.
! mom! now mom's gonna come up here.
no kidding, zip brain.
let's ditch the pens.
- i'm giving mom my report card.
- no, you can't.
hey, i'm not the one who got the "d.
" why should i get in trouble for one month of your stinking allowance? did i say one month? i meant five.
deal.
rOSEANNE: becky, darlene? - oh, my gosh, she knows.
- no, she doesn't.
she's gonna want to know why we locked the door.
rOSEANNE: come on, you two.
open the door.
don't make me get the tear gas.
hi! hi.
why'd you lock the door? i'm so used to locking my locker at school, i guess i just did it automatically.
i don't know, what do you think, d.
j.
? lies, all lies.
d.
j.
told you to come up here, didn't he? no, as a matter of fact, he didn't say one thing about how you jerked the door open and yelled at him, - did you, d.
j.
? - no.
now i brought you girls up this box so you can fill it with stuff for the rummage sale.
- love to.
- we'll bring it right down.
d.
j.
, quit snooping.
mom, i think dad's calling you.
she's up here.
yeah, she'll be right down.
- he's- - well, he can wait.
you know, i don't think i really spend enough time with my lovely daughters enjoying their extremely stimulating company.
you know, just hanging out and everything like that, doing really fun stuff.
mother?get a life.
hey, the girls are up to something.
they got their door locked and they're acting all goofy, like you.
what are you doing? i'm just fixing this here clock, mama.
i'll have it done within the hour.
scum-sucking self-centered pile of male garbage! dan, it's for you.
i buy new pantyhose, i mousse my hair, i sit in my apartment for an hour and a half, and booker doesn't show up.
well, maybe he had some kind of an emergency.
yeah, i know his emergencies.
blonde hair, blue eyes and legs up to their throat.
so maybe he's giving them mouth to mouth.
what are you doing? have you seen that red pen that was in here? i thought i saw it on the coffee table before.
why does he do this to me? dARLENE: i'll get it.
- d.
j.
: i'll get it.
- ah, you love it.
oh, your pulse is racing, your heart's throbbing, and your face is all aglow.
i have malaria.
aunt jackie, it's uncle booker.
i'm not here.
- jackie, i can explain.
- i don't want to hear about it.
i-i had an emergency.
blonde hair, blue eyes? i was on the phone with my mother.
i was.
jeez, booker, you oughta take a shovel around with you when you travel.
her schnauzer got hit by a car and he broke his leg.
oh, get off it! i'm not lying.
the dog's got a broken leg, my mom was in hysterics.
what was i supposed to do? hang up.
booker, i'm on your side, buddy, and even i don't believe you.
okay, call my mom.
ask her.
roseanne, didn't you have some rummage you wanted me to fold in another room? yes, i believe i do.
why don't we go there now, you and i? - come on, jackie.
- forget it.
humph.
she's not mad.
could have fooled me.
no, if she was mad, she would have left.
no, she's waiting for me to come back there.
well, if i was you i'd wait for the smoke to clear before i went charging in there.
that's a good idea.
what do you got, dan? it's my official canoga beer cuckoo clock.
ugly as hell, ain't it? it's pretty ugly.
i just keep it around to torture roseanne.
how long are you gonna put up with him? i can't help it.
he turns me on.
one of these days, you're gonna fall for a guy with something above the waist.
well, just 'cause you're stuck in marriage hell, you don't have to ruin my fun.
you know, there's more to a relationship than sex.
you and dan are fighting? i, uh can i come in now? yeah, but you stay off my bed.
you gonna stay mad at me all night? maybe.
come on, jackie.
if i was gonna lie, don't you think i'd come up with a better excuse? booker, why do you screw up all of our dates? dates?this is the first time we've ever gone out.
right, and it's our fourth date.
jackie, you want to go out with some guy who hangs up on his mom? no, but i want to go out with a guy that shows up.
i went all out for this.
i got a new dress, i spent an hour on my hair you did all that for me? no, i did it so i could fold clothes in my sister's bedroom.
jackie, i'm flattered.
i don't want you to feel flattered.
i want you to feel lousy, like i feel.
jackie, you don't look lousy.
no, no, no, no.
well, this dress looks very nice.
stay away from me.
did i mention that your hair is terrific? stay away, booker.
sit.
- hmm? - sit.
don't touch me.
touch.
don't touch me.
- touch.
touch.
- booker! i-i mean- i hate you.
eww, they're kissing, they're kissing! they're kissing, they're kissing! - who? - aunt jackie and booker.
are they standing up? yes, we're standing up.
and we're leaving now to get started on our date.
we're a little too late to see elvis.
that's putting it mildly.
- see you, dan.
- where you guys headed? we're going out for a romantic evening.
and an insanely expensive meal.
i just gotta pick up my date first.
wipe your mouth out.
- bye, aunt jackie.
- bye.
time for you to go to bed now.
- good night.
- okay.
- good night.
- ahh! mom, you need to sign our report cards.
you got your report cards today? yeah, here, sign it.
well, i usually like to read what i'm signing.
how'd you do, darlene? pretty good.
pretty good? she got a "b" in history.
i thought you were gonna get a "d.
" it's a miracle.
uh, aren't you gonna look at mine? i got straight a's.
- that's great, honey.
- aces as always.
i'm going to bed.
- good night.
- good night.
dan isn't that the most perfect "b" you've ever seen in your life? never seen one quite like it.
are you guys gonna sign it? allow me.
you know, i think we should call up miss crane and thank her.
i'll thank her for you.
wait a minute, isn't she gonna be at the rummage sale tomorrow? that's right, we can thank her in person.
maybe we can get a picture of her standing next to the report card.
you guys know, don't you? know what? i didn't get a "b" on my report card.
you didn't? no.
i got a "c.
" on the test that brought my average up.
to a "d.
" which is what i really got on my report card until i changed it.
so you don't have to worry about picking me up from basketball practice anymore.
and i think the guilt is punishment enough.
that and being grounded for three weeks.
oh, no! - two.
- two's good.
she honestly thought she was gonna get away with it.
aah!can you believe that little stinker? hell, i used to do better forgeries than that.
excuse me, ma'am.
- you remember this clock? - how could i forget it? i seem to recall you saying something about how i'd never get it fixed? no, i think what i said was if you did get it fixed you have to move out.
this'll look perfect up on the mantelpiece.
now there's no way i want that eyesore where anybody can see it.
wait a minute, you said i can keep one thing.
and i'm it.
i want the bear.
well, there's no way that thing's going in my living room.
wait a minute, excuse me.
your living room? - my living room.
- your living room? yeah, my living room.
and you know why? 'cause you've got bad taste.
i've got bad taste? you want to talk about bad taste? what do you call this? that's imported.
i call it kindling.
dan, that is a genuine mexican objet d'art.
unlike this objet d'scrap metal.
that, for your information, happens to be an authentic replica of a civil war field piece.
it is also a cigarette lighter.
well, good, then you can use it to burn up all your ratty old underwear that you keep 'til they're two threads and an elastic band.
why are we always pitching my junk? what about - dan, don't do that.
- your junk.
don't- ohh! you're gonna sleep in it, mister.
- ooh, hoo-hoo! - no, no! oh, that is sad.
dan, come on! put that field piece down.
that cannon's gonna be worth money someday.
say goodbye to it.
just say goodbye.
rOSEANNE: oh! ahh! no! kaw, kaw, kaw, kaw! let's go to bed.
- tell me, miss - hmm.
what? will you still respect me in the morning? i'll respect you in the morning, in the afternoon, and especially at night.
hello? dan's house of ecstasy.
oh, hi, mrs.
tucker.
yeah, that's our stuff out on the front lawn.
just a second.
- honey? - hmm? how much do we want for the coffee table?