The Middle s01e11 Episode Script

FRANKIE: The teen years.
The clothes may change, the hair may change what gets pierced may change but one thing doesn't change, teenagers suck.
The crying, the mood swings, the unpredictable behavior.
Axl, you better get up or you're gonna miss the bus.
I am not telling you again.
Get up.
Get up.
Get up.
Hey.
You're up.
Yeah, I got up early, decided to take the trash to the curb.
Got the paper for you.
That's a pretty blouse, Mom.
Like I said.
Unpredictable behavior.
Okay, I'll search his backpack.
You go over there and very casually check his breath.
Okay.
Don't look, but he's actually pouring cereal into a bowl.
I said, don't look.
What's his game? You know what? He's 16 now.
Maybe we're through the worst with him.
Maybe he's grown up.
Maybe things are finally about to get a little easier around here now.
Ohh.
I can't go to school today.
My hair is stringy my face is too oval and I have no friends.
Honey, we all have those days.
Why don't you take a sick day? - It'll be our little secret.
- And not see my friends? Yeah, great idea, Mom.
God, it's like you don't even understand me at all.
BRICK: Okay, I'll tell them.
Aunt Edie and Aunt Ginny are on a bus to Vegas and they forgot to get someone to watch Doris.
Oh, no.
I'm not taking that dog again.
- I'll do it.
- How about one of the guys? - I suppose I could ask.
- I'll do it.
Or that creepy neighbor? - I thought he was dead.
- I'll do it.
No, Brick, I don't think you will do it.
Why not? Why can't I? Give me one good reason.
FRANKIE: We could give him a whole lot of good reasons.
DIGITAL PET: You forgot to feed me.
I am dead.
Please can I watch her? Doris is the most fun dog ever.
Doris is not the most fun dog ever.
Brick, the problem is that you get distracted and you forget stuff.
The back yard is too frozen right now to dig a new grave.
But I won't get distracted this time.
I promise.
The dog is pretty old.
She dies on Brick's watch, they can't really pin it on us.
Okay, against all judgment, you can watch Doris.
Brick, we said okay.
To what? Watching the dog.
Doris? The dog.
Oh, right.
Great.
Mom.
Dad.
Listen, I wanna talk to you guys about something.
You're gonna have to marry her and you can't live here.
Listen, I'm 16 now.
And I think we can all agree that I've proven myself to be responsible.
- You took out the garbage once.
- And I brought in the paper.
So I think you guys should consider the fact that I deserve my own car.
And there it was.
The reason Axl was being so nice.
Ever since Axl got his driver's license a few weeks ago he'd been chomping at the bit to drive every chance he could get.
I need eggs.
I need milk.
I need tampons.
You want a car? You're gonna have to work for it and earn it yourself.
Yeah, I had a job.
It sucked.
But I still want a car so you see my dilemma.
Well, you know, I have a job and a car so you see the connection.
[SUE GROWLS AND GROANS.]
You know, if I had a car I could take her to the insane asylum.
Sue, what are you doing? All my clothes are stupid and ugly.
And Ugh! Stupid.
FRANKIE: She needs help.
Where did I stash that last bag of Halloween candy? Oh, right, in my mouth during Grey's Anatomy.
I'm trying out for drama club and I have nothing to wear.
Nothing.
Drama club.
Sounds about right.
[SOBS.]
All right, that's enough of that.
Stop crying right now.
Okay, Mike, why don't you just go.
I'll handle this? Honey, how about I help you find something to wear to the audition? Oh, yeah, right.
Like you know what's cool.
I'm sorry.
I'm just so sorry.
It's okay.
We'll find something.
Nothing that would make anybody like me.
Mom, all the cool kids have Citizens Of Humanity jeans and I am the only person in the entire school who doesn't.
Honey, I believe that it's not what people see on the outside that makes you popular.
It's what's inside.
You have to let your inner light shine through.
Hold your smile, keep eye contact, see if she buys it.
That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Damn.
Mom, junior high is hard.
People judge you for every little thing if they even notice you at all.
I just wanna be judged.
Didn't you ever want something so bad that you'd die for it? - I love you.
- Yeah, yeah.
Just don't tell your dad how much they cost.
Hey, buddy.
How was the first day watching the dog? - Ohh.
- Yeah, I know.
Ohh.
You left her at the end of the driveway.
Go get her.
Hey, Brick, why is Doris at the end? MIKE: He knows.
He's on it.
Dad, I got new jeans.
Oh, wow.
I like them.
No, not these.
These are my old gross jeans.
These.
I'm gonna go try them on.
Can I see that? I Uh Ahem.
- Let me see that.
- What? It's a receipt.
So what? You don't need to see it.
Is that how it is now, Ricky Ricardo? You have to see all my receipts? When you dive on it like it's a live grenade, yeah, I wanna see.
You know what? I just don't like this in principle because it makes me feel Well, I'm just gonna say it, Mike.
Less than.
And I am not "less than.
" - Let me see it.
- No.
- Frankie.
- No.
All right.
If you don't want me to see it, then that's your business.
Whatever.
- Mike.
No, don't take that.
- Give it.
Get your hands out.
Don't read that.
There's a present for you on there.
A hundred and twelve bucks for one pair of jeans? Well, most of that is tax.
Frankie, are you kidding? Tell me there's another man somewhere supporting you.
I know it's crazy.
It's completely crazy.
This is about Sue and her self-esteem.
I just gave Axl a lecture about how he's gotta work for things and then you buy her jeans that cost more than all my pants put together? - I wouldn't expect you to understand.
- Good.
Because I don't.
Look, Mike, I know this seems frivolous but at her age, fitting in is important.
And if I can do one thing to help her fit in I'm gonna help her look cool.
SUE: You guys are not even gonna recognize me.
So? What do you think? It's just great, honey.
Yup, money well spent.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
I did not not make drama club.
Oh, well, you'll get them next time, honey.
No, I said not not.
I didn't not make it yet.
I still almost maybe did make it.
I got a callback.
Ahh! - Honey, that's great.
- Yeah.
Oh, right.
The magic jeans got her a callback.
No, of course not.
Don't be ridiculous.
The jeans gave her the confidence she needed to nail the audition and get the callback.
Kind of like that jersey you always wear when you watch the Colts.
- Well, that's not magic, that's science.
- Oh.
Hey.
I need to meet some friends at Pizza Pan.
Oh, right.
If someone bought me a car like other people buy people jeans I could drive myself, but if you wanna play favorites with your kids then I guess I'm gonna need a ride when you guys go out tonight.
Big drag for you.
Also, if I had my own car, I could take Sue to the orthodontist and look for that dog that Brick is going to lose.
I mean, I'm just thinking about you.
Why don't you get that? - Who's that girl waving to us? - It's nobody, see you later.
Oh, come on, let me out.
Not till you tell us who that girl is.
How should I know? Wow, she seems very friendly.
Hi.
- Sure is.
Hi, friendly stranger.
- Oh, God.
Please, would you just stop.
She's just some girl I've kind of been seeing.
- Let me out.
- If we had given you a car we would never have found out about this.
- What's her name? Where'd you meet? - Kate.
School.
She's a good influence on me.
Can I get out? Sure.
Wait a minute.
I think, Frankie, we should meet this Kate.
- Definitely gotta meet her.
- Fine.
Just don't say anything moronic like, "Nice to meet you.
" Or, "Pleasure to meet you.
" Or, "Good to meet you.
" Wouldn't dream of it.
Kate.
Some people who gave birth to me.
People.
Kate.
- It's so nice to meet you.
- You too.
Okay, this has been awkward.
Let's go.
Wow.
She's pretty.
Boat-show-model pretty.
I was thinking, maybe we should, you know, buy Axl a car.
What? Where is this coming from? You just told him the other day he had to work for it.
Yeah, but a guy needs a car.
Especially with the level of girl he's dating.
Level? What do you mean level? I can't.
Yeah, eventually you're gonna have to spit.
Oh, my God.
You wanna buy Axl a car because the girl he's dating is hot.
Did you not hear the boy? She's also an excellent student and a good influence on him.
You are so full of it.
You can't pick up a girl like that in your parents' car.
It's just not cool.
Oh, you think it's important that he be cool? You don't know what it's like for a boy.
If you don't have a car, you're nothing.
[BIKE BELL CHIMES.]
Oh, my God, after all the grief you gave me about those jeans.
Jeans are dumb.
A car is freedom.
Fine.
If you can find a car for the same price as those jeans you go for it.
[CAR APPROACHES.]
FRANKIE: I should have known better.
That cost a hundred and twelve bucks? Hundred and ten.
Keep the change.
Buy yourself something pretty.
FRANKIE: I guess Mike and I discovered what the rich have known all along.
Throw money at a problem and it'll go away.
Might be the carburetor? No, it's the engine mount.
We tighten that, you're good.
Mike and Axl were getting along.
Brick hadn't killed the dog yet.
BRICK: Come on, girl.
Fetch.
Come on, Doris.
Go get it, girl.
And Sue was over the moon with her new jeans.
I thought I was handling the teen years pretty well.
Hey, Mom.
Have you seen my new jeans? It would be cool to have a fashion show.
Everyone can vote on which top I should wear with my jeans to the audition.
I brought them in here to hand wash them but haven't gotten to it yet.
- Um, Brick? - Yeah? Missing anything? I miss Grandma.
Anything that goes "woof"? On it.
The callback audition has to be a new monologue.
Do you think The Crucible or Grease would show off the jeans more? I could do my hair I shrunk the magic jeans.
Oh, no, God.
Take my jeans instead.
You have an audition to worry about.
You should go rest.
But it's the middle of the day.
Are you serious about this audition or not? [GRUNTING.]
There was no way around it.
I was gonna have to tell Sue the truth that a burglar broke in and stole only her jeans.
- Hi, sweetie.
- Mom, look I have the same jeans as Jennifer Love Hewitt.
Yeah, about that.
Sue, I have some bad news.
You know that new dryer that we have that we found that's just so new and so good.
It's really too good.
What are you talking about? Honey the dryer shrunk your jeans.
- What? - I'm so, so sorry.
I just feel terrible.
That's okay.
It's not your fault.
I know, but I just feel horrible.
Don't feel horrible.
They were just jeans.
And the truth is, you were right before.
It really is about what's inside that counts.
I just have to let my inner light shine through.
Okay, yeah, that's not what really happened.
How could you do this to me? You just want to ruin my life.
You knew how important they were to me, and you didn't keep them safe.
You don't care about anyone but yourself.
I hate you.
Honey, you don't really feel that.
A lot of that is just hormones talking.
You're frustrated and disappointed.
I'm just gonna give you some space.
And we'll talk about it more when you've calmed down.
Okay, that didn't happen either.
Oh, yeah? Well, you are no picnic to live with either.
You think I don't do anything for you? Let me tell you something, missy.
All I do are things for you.
And right now, I'm not sure it's worth it.
Then leave me alone.
You don't have to ask me twice.
[WHIMPERS.]
Yep.
The crying, the mood swings, the unpredictable behavior it's a tough time.
FRANKIE: In the next couple days, Sue and I weren't fighting but that's mostly because we weren't talking.
BRICK: Oh, no.
I can't find the Never mind.
I got her.
My bad.
Hey, Dad.
Do you know where my lip gloss is? Uh, no.
That's okay, I'll find it.
Thanks, Dad.
Wanna tell me why my daughter is asking me about lip gloss? Because she's still punishing me.
Well, the joke's on her, because I know it went through the wash with her jeans.
Hey, Dad, great idea gapping the spark plugs.
She is running sweet now.
You're the man.
So, what do you think about this shirt? Am I trying too hard, or? A girl like that? You gotta try hard.
Heh.
You know it.
BOTH: Boom! [MIKE CHUCKLES.]
- He's a good kid.
- Shut up.
I'm texting Bella that you picked me up in your own car.
I'm texting Bella that you look really cute tonight.
I'm texting Bella that I look really cute tonight.
[CAR RATTLES AND SPUTTERS.]
You don't have to text Bella about this.
Brick.
Dog.
I gotta go pick up Axl.
The car broke down.
Typical teenager.
He probably tried to push it over 20.
Way to go, Dad.
I told you it was the carburetor.
- [WHISPERS.]
He's so lame.
- It's not the carburetor.
[IN NORMAL VOICE.]
You don't know.
You don't know anything.
[WHISPERS.]
He doesn't know anything.
Axl.
Watch it.
I was just trying to help.
So I'm texting Bella that your dad is dropping us at the movies.
I'm texting Bella that your dad is tall.
Tall and clueless.
Okay, here we are.
This is my house.
That's right.
Axl isn't gonna be able to go out with you.
I'm sorry, because clearly you're a very high level of girl.
But until Axl learns the correct way to talk to his dad he's not going anywhere.
You're welcome to text Bella that too.
God, Dad is trying to ruin my entire life.
Aw.
Come here, I'll fist bump you.
He told me I didn't know anything.
- What? You know a ton.
- Thank you.
Sue hates me.
That's crazy.
You totally rock.
Right? No.
We thought we could help them and it just seems to enrage them.
Teenagers put you through hell so you don't miss them when they go.
Yeah, nature's smart.
They're good kids.
If this is the worst of it, we'll be fine.
- You're right.
We're lucky.
- Very lucky.
- Of course, we could be luckier.
- Don't I know it.
Hi, Dad.
Morning, Mom.
And just like that and for no particular reason Sue was back to her sweet self.
I knew it wouldn't last, so I just went with it.
And Mom, I wanted you to know that I decided to wear my new jeans to the drama club audition anyway.
I'm just gonna wear them as Bermudas.
Bermudas are in.
They're not, but I wasn't saying a word.
That's great, honey.
I think I stuck them in the laundry room.
The aunts are back from Vegas.
They're coming to pick up Doris.
Where is she? Brick? Did something happen to that dog? Don't forget, I can always tell when you're lying.
Brick has a tell when he's lying.
- Brick, did you break the lamp? - No.
[WHISPERS.]
I'm lying.
Okay, I'm just gonna tell you the truth.
Doris is gone.
She's gone.
Her wagon is empty and I don't know where she went.
Congratulations.
You were right.
Being responsible is not my strong suit.
I'll be in my room thinking about what I've done.
[SUE GASPS.]
SUE: My jeans.
BRICK: Puppies.
Doris, what were you thinking? You were almost home free and now you're starting over? Big mistake, Doris, big mistake.
Yup, the next few years wouldn't be easy hormones, dating, driving.
But whenever I got frustrated I remembered the look in that dog's eyes and thought, "At least I got it better than Doris.
" Can we keep one? I promise I'll take care of it this time.
[WHISPERS.]
I'm lying.