Home Improvement s01e12 Episode Script

The important thing to remember this holiday season is make it a safe one.
Which brings us to today's Tool Time tip.
Lisa? Now, be careful with this, Tim.
I will.
Thank you, Lisa.
This is a completely frayed wire.
And you never want to plug in a frayed wire.
AI, do you suppose they call it "a frayed" because it's scared of something? I really doubt it, Tim.
Oh, I do too, AI.
Al will now show us how to safely tape up that wire.
Be careful.
Merry Christmas, AI.
You know, there's nothing more fun in the world than sitting around a beautifully decorated Christmas tree in your home, grunting your favorite Christmas carols.
That brings one to mind.
Come on, AI, hit it.
Everybody, some on.
That's the spirit.
You know, the only problem I have with Christmas trees, you spend so much time decorating the front of it, you never get to see the back of it.
So I got this idea from an old college turntable.
Maybe we could motorize this thing.
So I used a ten-amp, heavy-duty synchronous motor, triple-reduction gears and a four-to-one final drive Well, excuse me, Tim.
Are you sure you connected the spur gear to the final drive, instead of the motor output shaft? AI, I'm insulted.
You know who you're talking to? Yes, I do, Tim.
There's more than one way to do it, AI.
- Lisa, plug it in for me.
- Sure thing, Tim.
- Well, it's just that - Al, please? Well, son of a gun.
When you know what you're doing, folks, anything is possible.
Incoming! Mom, can I have another piece of paper? Honey, that Christmas list looks a little long.
Let me see that.
You know, I don't think that Santa's going to be able to bring you everything on this list 'cause that would make his sleigh too heavy.
Uh I'll cross off the heaviest things.
OK.
Cocker spaniel.
Bye, Floppy- You know, I think that you should pick out the thing that you really want and put a star next to that.
OK.
The remote-control dinosaur.
All right.
Tim, there's like 12 boxes of decorations.
How many are you gonna bring up? - One more out of the basement.
- And that's it? One more out of the basement and a couple out of my car.
How many is a couple? Ten.
- I know why you're doing this.
- I have the Christmas spirit.
You just can't stand that Doc Johnson always wins that Christmas decoration contest.
You always think I'm competing with Doc Johnson.
Oh, it doesn't bother you that he's added those extra three giant candles on his roof? There's four of 'em, and this little dancing elf, but that doesn't bother me.
Well, just don't set fire to the roof, like you did last year.
I didn't set fire.
It was an electrical short.
I just don't want to have to drive you to the emergency room again.
Wait.
Wait a minute.
Except for last year, when was the last time you drove me to the emergency room? - The eighties.
- Oh.
You mess up one decade and you'll never let me forget it.
Yeah, well.
Why don't you just try taking a year off and not compete with Dr.
Johnson? Some thanks I get for trying to spread a little Christmas cheer.
You're spreading around something, but it ain't Christmas cheer.
_ Hi, guys.
_ Hey, hey.
How did the tryouts for the Christmas pageant go? Terrible.
I'm a shepherd again.
Oh, well, honey, the shepherd is a very important part of the Christmas story.
- I don't have any lines.
- That's because you blew it, you stooge.
He was trying out for one of the wise men, and he said they were carrying gold and Frankenstein.
So? You only play the stupid innkeeper.
Stupid innkeeper? How many lines does the stupid innkeeper have? One lousy line.
"There's no room at the inn.
" Got an idea.
Right after you say your line, "There's no room at the inn," add this: "You should have called our 1-800 reservation hotline.
" Yeah, yeah.
Ignore your father, Randy.
You're gonna be a wonderful innkeeper.
Well, I wanted to play Joseph, but they said there were too many lines for me.
Too many lines? You have a wonderful memory.
- Who got the part? - George Lonnigan.
George Lonnigan? He couldn't remember the words to "Happy Birthday" at your party.
I know, but what can I say? His dad built the set.
Well, oh! That is just favoritism.
Tim, you should have built the set.
Boy, is that the voice of the Christmas spirit I hear? He forgot the words to "Happy Birthday," Tim.
Is that the Joseph you want? What's he gonna say? "Meet my wife, the virgin, duh, Sheila"? Mom, we don't care if we're in that pageant.
Yes, you do.
This family has the Christmas spirit.
And when I'm finished sewing your costumes, you're gonna be the best-dressed Hebrews in Bethlehem.
- Mark, what are you doing? - Making out my list for Santa Claus.
Are you kidding? Mom and Dad aren't gonna buy you all this stuff.
Why should they? Santa will make it.
Mark, are you gonna be a dork your whole life? I hope not.
Randy, he's making a list for Santa Claus.
Mark, you're too old to believe in Santa Claus.
Kids are gonna start to make fun of you.
What are you talking about? I hate to break it to you, but there is no Santa Claus.
You're lying.
Who drinks the milk and eats the chocolate-chip cookies that I leave out for him? Oh, Dad.
He loves chocolate-chip cookies.
You guys are poopheads.
OK, fine.
Here's the truth.
There used to be a Santa Claus, but he died six years ago.
Yep.
You just missed out.
Santa Claus isn't dead.
Yes, he is.
He had a terrible accident with one of his reindeer.
Blitzen fell on him.
He's really dead? - Kicked the bucket.
- Bought the dirt farm.
- Six feet under.
- Pushing up the daisies.
- Deader than a doornail.
- Stiff as a board.
- Cold as ice.
- Met his maker.
Randy.
Turn off the TV and come here.
I have some great stuff for your costume.
- What now? - Come here and see.
This is your cape.
- Just put this around you.
- Mom.
This is gold.
I'm just an innkeeper.
Hey.
You are a very successful innkeeper.
Now, this is just great.
That's gonna really look good with the hat that I got you.
Perfect.
Hi, Jill.
Hello, Ali Baba.
- Dad.
- He's an innkeeper.
Well, what inn are Mary and Joseph staying at this year? Caesar's Palace? You can go now.
You look terrific.
Now, let me hear you say your line.
There's no room at the inn.
Honey, I think you need to say it with a little more feeling.
There's no room at the inn.
Hi, Wilson.
Do you have that old diesel generator? I'm gonna light up this revolving Santa on my roof.
I'm sorry, I loaned that to the good doctor.
- What? - Oh, he did ask for it first.
I could give you some tinsel and a nine-volt battery.
That's pretty funny, Wilson.
Tim, I sense some competition between you and the good doctor.
No, I'm just decorating my house.
I notice you don't decorate your house at Christmas, though.
Well, actually, Tim, I decorate within.
I have a tree in my heart, a wreath in my mind, and a star in my soul.
And you plug it in your bellybutton.
Dad, Dad.
Dr.
Johnson just put up two huge spotlights.
- What? - Joyeux Noél, Tim.
And to you too, Wilson.
I didn't even see any of that stuff.
I just looked over there.
Where'd you see Those aren't spotlights.
Those are 7,000-watt Xenon Super Troupers.
That guy is sick.
It's you and me, Santa, against the doctor.
Come on, buddy.
- This is cool, Dad.
- Thanks.
All right.
We're about ready to watch the trial run of Santa taking his journey from the sled over to the chimney.
I put him on a modified turntable.
And remember always attach the spur gear to the final drive.
That's awesome, Dad.
I'm gonna get my tools and come in.
Boy, it is awful slippery up here.
Dad, the hammer's frozen to your tongue.
I know it is.
Help! Help! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Thank you for coming so fast, Bob.
No problem, Mrs.
Taylor.
That's our job.
Does that feel better now, Mr.
Taylor? You know, Mr.
Taylor, it kind of surprised me when I saw that hammer hanging out of your mouth there.
I didn't mean to laugh.
That's all right.
You know, Mr.
Taylor, we watch your show all the time.
- I think it's really great.
- Thanks very much.
Why didn't you have AI here to help you? Yeah.
I mean, he's really good on the show.
I love that guy.
Oh, we all love that guy.
Well, we're out of here.
Guess we'll probably see you next Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas to you.
Thanks a lot.
- Here, have some Christmas cookies.
- Oh, well, thank you, Mrs.
Taylor.
- Thanks for coming.
- Merry Christmas.
- So long.
- Merry Christmas.
Bye-bye.
- Better get that crowd dispersed.
- All right, folks, break it up.
Shaw's over.
We saved his tongue.
Promise me you will stop this before you hurt yourself again.
Through.
They're judging the competition in two hours.
What more can I do? You're through competing with Doc Johnson? I'm through.
All right.
Hello, Detroit Edison? Yeah.
This is Dr.
Johnson here at 562 Glenview Road.
Yeah, my wife and I are heading out to dinner.
Could you shut the power off in exactly two hours? What? Oh, hi, Eddie.
I tried this last year, huh? Didn't work then, either, did it? Yes, the firemen got me down.
Oh, my tongue's fine, Ed.
Thanks for asking.
And a merry Christmas to you.
See you.
Oh, hi, honey.
You were going to turn the power off in the house of a 76-year-old retired proctologist? If I could have gotten away with it, yes.
You're pathetic.
- I'm pathetic? - Yes.
How about the church pageant, with you? Hey, I'm just trying to build up their self-esteem.
Making 'em go out dressed like the Gabor sisters? Mom, Dad? Brad and Randy said Santa died six years ago.
They told you that he was dead? Well, that was a little extreme, son.
I think he's old, but he's not dead.
So Santa's alive? Yeah.
You sat on his lap at the mall.
But there are a lot of malls.
How can he be at every one? He's real fast for a fat guy.
Actually, honey, I think that those guys at the mall are Santa's helpers, you know.
- The way that AI is Daddy's helper.
- Right.
- So they do all the work.
- Yeah.
They assist Santa, like AI assists me.
Oh, that makes sense.
See? Santa's got to be alive, 'cause you and Dad wouldn't lie to me.
Thanks.
We just lied to him.
He is our last baby.
I wanted him to have one more magical Christmas.
I hope we are doing the right thing.
Feliz Navidad, señor Tim.
Feliz Año Nuevo to you, Mr.
Wilson.
Beautiful night tonight.
Feels like more snow.
I hope not.
I gotta finish putting those decorations on the roof.
I figured Jill might have put the kibosh on those decorations after that little mishap with your tongue.
Hey.
It's my house, my roof, my decorations.
I do what I want around here, Wilson.
- What time did Jill leave, Tim? - About ten minutes ago.
Can I ask you something? Jingle my bell, neighbor.
Mark is starting to ask us questions about Santa Claus.
Mm-hm? Well, should we tell him that he doesn't exist? Well, who says he doesn't exist, Tim? I believe it was Hamlet who put it best when he said: "There are more things in heaven and earth, good neighbor, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
" But Brad and Randy already said he was dead.
Technically, that's true.
He died in the year 342.
Well, then, who's at the mall? Oh, no, Tim, I'm talking about the original Santa Claus.
St.
Nicholas, the bishop of Myra in Asia Minor.
He used to go around to the houses of the poor people, on his donkey, with bags of gold, and drop them down the chimney.
Why would he drop donkeys down the chimney? I'm talking about the bags of gold, Tim.
Hopefully he can put a remote-controlled dinosaur down my chimney for Mark, because the stores are sold out of them.
Well, maybe Santa Claus might bring it to him.
I thought you said Santa was dead.
Ah, but Tim, the spirit of Santa lives on.
It lives in all of us.
Well, I must get back to my chestnuts roasting on an open fire.
You know, that reminds me of a song.
On the first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me A partridge in a pear tree On the second day of Christmas - You blew it.
- I did not.
- You did too.
- OK, guys, enough, enough.
I think I got a little carried away, making that costume and coaching him.
- What happened, honey? - Oh, well, Randy's no longer playing the innkeeper, 'cause he added some lines.
Yeah.
He doubled the price of the room and asked the wise men for ID.
They made me a sheep.
Hey.
Guys, no TV.
That's part of your punishment for your little trick about Santa Claus.
Oh, man.
Well, who wants hot chocolate? Mg ' Me.
Mom, Dad? I have a question.
Yes, sweetie? How does Santa get gifts for everyone in the world in one bag? Jill? Well, honey, he folds them.
- Folds them? - Yeah, he folds them.
Then he has Mrs.
Claus sit on the bag so he can tie it shut.
That doesn't sound right.
How do you fold goldfish? How do you fold a pony? - Well, there's a quarter horse.
- Tim.
You put it in Honey, I think that we need to talk to you about Santa.
Is he dead again? Mark, as you grow up, you learn a whole bunch of things along the way, OK? The Easter Bunny, Santa Claus I'll get it.
You see, it's the spirit of Santa Claus that really matters.
- Whether he existed or not - Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas! - Wilson, what are you doing here? - The name is Santa.
Hello there, Mark.
Are you the real Santa? The one and only.
- Mom, that's Wilson.
- Shh! Santa, would you like some hot chocolate? No, no, no, no, no, no.
Mrs.
Claus told me to cut back.
Well, it still looks like you're packing it in there.
Maybe swallowed a few too many yams there at Thanksgiving.
This is so bogus.
Well, even though it's not quite Christmas yet, I thought my little buddy Mark needed an extra helping of Christmas spirit.
- Should I go get my list? - No, there's no need to, Mark.
In your heart what I think you really want is a remote-controlled dinosaur.
Great! It's not even folded.
Thank you, Santa.
- And Mark, don't forget this.
- What's this? Well, unlike the toy companies, with Santa, batteries are included.
Anything for us, Santa? Well, even though you boys no longer believe in me, Santa brought you a gift anyway.
Brad, I've got you a rubber band.
And Randy, here's a button.
Well, Santa, what'd you bring us? Well, with the hustle and bustle of Christmas, sometimes we get involved in decorating and pageants, and we often forget that the true meaning of Christmas is about coming together.
And sharing.
And that's why I brought you this little reminder.
- Mistletoe.
- That's right, Jill.
Let's see if it works.
Thank you, Santa.
Don't look at me, man.
- Merry Christmas! - Thank you, Santa.
Bye, Santa.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.
Bye, Santa.
Thank you.
I'll tell you, Jill, sometimes that Wilson is one fine neighbor, huh? You mean that Wilson? Hi-ho, neighbor.
Huh? Decorations are ready.
Come on out, look.
Don't slip.
Watch out.
Come on.
Hurry up.
Come on.
Everybody in position? All right, sit there.
Honey? The Tim Taylor Power Christmas.
Voila'.
Hp.
101"'.
.
Wow! - Tim.
- Hey! Uh-oh.
Everybody, come on.
Oh, that's the spirit.