Married with Children s01e12 Episode Script

* Love and marriage * * Go together like * * A horse and carriage * * This I tell ya, brother * * You can't have one * * Without the other * * Love and marriage * * It's an institute * * You can't disparage * * Ask the local gentry * * And they will say It's elementary * * Try, try, try To separate them * * It's an illusion * * Try, try, try And you will only come * * To this conclusion * * Love and marriage ** Al, come on down! It's time for work! Come on, honey.
I'm making you a nice, hot breakfast.
Just listen to that bacon sizzle.
Keep it hot, Peg.
I'll be down in a minute.
Sure, I will.
Peggy, I've got some great news.
Two men came to our house- Al, I'm going over to Marcie's! They're gone now.
Al, Marcie's here.
Nice try, Peg, but I'm still hungry.
Where's my breakfast? The dog ate it.
I see he put the pots and pans away too.
Al, I was just telling Peggy about this great idea.
You know that little hole in your driveway, the one all the neighborhood children splash and play in after it rains? These guys just finished a major repaving job a couple of blocks from here.
And they offered to redo both our driveways for only $500.
Isn't that great? I don't know.
I tried to get Al to fix the driveway a long time ago, But his philosophy is "Why improve a home you're only going to live in anyway?" Al, can you think of a better way to raise the value of your home and save a little money in the bargain? Sure.
Pack your bags, hon.
Look they said we have to do this right away or they'll be gone.
And I think it's a great deal.
Uh-huh.
What does Steve think? Well, he's in Buffalo at a meeting of Tellers Against the Penny.
Steve firmly believes that the one-cent piece is a thing of the past.
Well, I'm sure the feeling is mutual.
Come on, Al, make a decision.
These guys are leaving the neighborhood.
Of course they're leaving the neighborhood.
These guys are crooks.
First you gotta believe they just happen to be in the neighborhood.
And second, we have to believe these two guys see Marcie, and they're willing to come back.
I mean, is there nothing so stupid that some woman won't fall for it? I fell for you, sweetie.
How could you marry such a chauvinistic, sexist man? A dare.
Look, I'm not sexist.
I'm just saying women don't know nothing.
Asphalt and finances are male-oriented fields.
Since Steve is as close to a male as you have, he should be in on the decision.
I'll have you know I have a degree in economics and work as a loan officer in a bank.
So if anything, I am more qualified to make financial decisions than you are.
As good as you bankers may be at saying, "We're sorry, Farmer Brown, we're foreclosing.
Go sell pencils," in this house, I'm the boss, and I make the financial decisions.
And what a shrewd financial decider he is too.
Come on, honey.
Tell her about the time you shrewdly decided not to buy into that property that some sucker built the Sears Tower on.
Don't forget, Peg.
The money we saved there allowed us to buy that 2/3 acre on lake Chicamacomico.
It may not look like much now, but when they figure out how to keep plants and animals alive there, that's gonna be quite a little paradise.
I'll bet.
But Al, I know a good thing when I see it too.
And even without you, the deal is still a good one, and I'm going to do it.
Well, you are woman.
Go out and roar.
Mmm.
I'm full.
Peg, as usual, every day's Thanksgiving.
I'm going to work.
Marce, I'll see you tonight.
What for? Well, after these guys rip you off, you'll be back to tell me I was right.
Because I will be.
You're that sure of yourself? Marcie, I'd bet my retirement property on it if the Army didn't have it padlocked.
Peggy, I cannot for the life of me understand how you live with that man.
Well, in Al's defense, what with overtime, television, and the bathroom, I really don't see him very much.
See you later.
Mom, big news down the block.
The cops just arrested these two guys trying to pull the old asphalt scam.
They what? Yeah, you know the one where they offer to redo your driveway real cheap, but they just use oil, so when it rains, it all washes away.
You have to be a real feeb to fall for that one.
Who are you calling? Al's mother.
I told him I'd invite her for the summer the next time he was right about anything.
Well, how do you think he'll take it? Take what? Hello? My having to tell Al he was right.
You're not seriously going to do that are you? Hello? Well, I have to.
He's bound to find out if he hasn't already.
Marcie, let me tell you something.
Peggy, is that you-? In the 16 years that I've been married to Al, I've learned there are certain things never to ask for.
Never approach him for sex during Wide World of Sports.
Oh, unless women's gymnastics are on, then you got a shot.
Never approach him for sex in the morning.
He thinks that is just disgusting.
And never ever tell him he's right.
Why? Because he's a man, Marcie.
And the only thing uglier than a man who thinks he's right is Al.
Believe me, I know this from experience.
Let me tell you a story.
A few years after we were married I told Al that I could hold up a fender so he could fix the flat tire.
He said, "No, let a man do it.
" I said I could.
So to make a long story short, a man had to set his leg that night.
But, to this day, whenever I ask Al to do something for me, that he doesn't want to do, he lifts up that leg and says he can't and that it's my fault.
The worst part about it is, he's right.
Marcie, don't let him lift his leg on you.
Guess, I'll see you tonight, Marce.
What for? To tell me I was right.
You're not seriously going to do that, are you? Tell me I was right.
I was right.
Marcie, I'm back! Steve? I thought you weren't due back till tomorrow night.
I missed you.
I'm sorry I didn't call.
So you want to fool around? Well, sure.
I'm so glad to hear that.
I haven't slept in 18 hours.
Oh, Steve's not back yet.
You have those empty bed blues, huh? Well, yes and no.
Peggy, do you ever dream? Nah.
Why dream, when I have all this? No, I mean do you ever have dreams? Nightmares? I had a real doozy last night.
What about? Al.
Al? My Al? Yeah.
See, I was asleep- Did he have feet? Beg pardon? It's funny.
In my dreams, Al never has any feet.
Oh, well.
Go on.
In my dream, Steve came in and asked me if I wanted to fool around.
And when I said yes, he turned and it was Al.
My Al? Well, then what happened? Nothing.
Yep, sounds like my Al.
I hope you're not upset, Peggy.
About a dream? Don't be silly.
Plus, if you dreamed that Al was in your bedroom, I should be apologizing to you.
Thanks, Peggy.
Oh, but could you do me a favor? Please don't tell Al about this.
Oh, don't worry.
But could you do something for me? If you ever dream about Al again, could you check and see if he has any feet? That really bothers me.
Sure thing.
Hi, Marce.
Hi, Peg.
Bye, Peggy Al.
What's with her? She had a dream she slept with you last night.
Oh, yeah? She's a lucky gal.
Marcie, I'm home.
Steve? Yeah.
Sorry I'm late, honey.
The pro-penny people pelted us with nickels.
Did I wake you? Steve, it is you.
Of course it's me.
Give me a hug.
Did you miss me? Mm-hmm.
Don't worry.
Daddy's home.
And Daddy's going to make it all better.
Marcie, I'm home.
Hon, you wouldn't believe the traffic over O'Hare tonight.
I swear Someday that's where they're going to find Amelia Earhart.
But The eagle has landed.
You want to fool around? Pizza's here.
Kelly, you know that's not the way to hold a pizza.
Mom, have you ever tried to carry one of these things sitting on the back of a Harley going 60 while trying to hold onto a fat guy who's wearing nothing but chains and black leather.
Yes, I have, and that is not the way to do it.
Mom, are we gonna do anything different this summer? Well, Daddy got seats for the ballgames again.
Oh, puke.
I thought you liked the Cubs.
I do, I just hate watching them from the roof of that apartment building where Dad always gets his seats.
Well, honey, maybe someday they'll forget about that fan interference call that kept the Cubs out of the World Series and let Daddy back into the stadium.
I hope so, because it looks so stupid with just us and the Polaskis doing the wave.
Marcie, you're a wreck.
Oh, I see.
Steve got back, and you two were at it all night, huh? No.
I had that dream again With Al.
See, this is the part where you're supposed to make a joke about Al being quick in the sack so I can laugh and see that you're not really mad or anything.
Marcie, that's two nights in a row.
Al hasn't been quick in the sack with me for two nights in a row in years.
Hey, you think I'm enjoying this? I was throwing up all night.
Well, so did I at first, but it passes.
Whatever happened to "It's only a dream.
Don't worry about it?" Peggy, can't you see what hell my life's becoming? I haven't slept in 48 hours.
Steve's mad at me because every time he brings up sex, I get sick.
And now you're yelling at me.
And why not? You're the one dreaming around with my husband.
Hey, Peg.
Ha! Hey, Marce.
I tell you, what a day.
All day long, it's pick up the shoes.
Put down the shoes.
Pick up the shoes.
Tomorrow ought to be a good day for you.
Tomorrow I wash the car in my t-shirt.
I can't believe you told him.
I can't believe you dream about him.
I can't believe everybody doesn't.
I'm mortified.
Well, get happy.
Well, Peg, it looks like another little filly in the old Bundy stable.
Get me a beer, will ya? Al, what are you doing in Marcie's dream? Ruining her for all other men.
You are doing something to cause those dreams.
Now I don't know what it is, but I want you to cut it out.
I'll cut it out, Peg, just tell me what to do.
What should I do, stop wearing t-shirts? Stop oozing sex from every pore? That isn't sex, Al.
What should I do, Peg? Well, you could come upstairs and be my dreamlover for a while.
Peg, not tonight.
This leg has been acting up.
Ever since that night with the car Fine, fine.
Then let's discuss who else's dreams you've been gallivanting around in.
Perhaps Mrs.
Pritchard across the street.
I've seen how she looks at you over her walker.
If you think * If you want my body * * And you think I'm sexy * * Come on, sugar Let me know * * If you really Need me * * Just reach out And touch me ** Steve, please.
I'm trying to read.
You don't have to stop.
Just get me a hammer and I'll just nail that sucker to the ceiling.
Steve! I have a question.
Do you think it's possible to dream that you're interpreting a dream or must you be awake to do this? And what are dreams anyway? Could we just be the dream of some greater sleeping being? And if so, are we then in fact real? I want sex, Marcie.
I think I'm getting nauseous.
All right.
That's it.
Look, I've asked more than a couple of women to go to bed with me in my time.
While I admit some of their responses may have been somewhat cruel, not very many jumped up and stuck their heads in the toilet.
Now something strange is going on here, and I demand to know what it is.
Don't toy with me, Marcie.
I'm horny, and I've been to Buffalo.
Well okay, I'll tell you, but you have to promise not to get angry.
Fine.
Well, it's like this Al?! And where are you when I dream, huh? Where were you when I dreamt I was drowning? How could I swim? You said I have no feet.
If you loved me, you would have paddled.
Ah.
Who is it? Steven Bartholomew Rhoades.
Bartholomew? Al, I'm horny.
What are you going to do about it? Get in there.
Don't go yelling things like that.
I've got kids up there Or out there Somewhere.
I don't know.
Did she tell you, Steve? Yes, Peggy.
He's an animal.
I don't know what happened, I go out of town for one day, I come back, my wife's throwing up and dreaming she's sleeping with your husband.
I guess that's why they call it the blues.
I'm getting out of here.
You two can go on blaming me for the dreams of an insane woman.
I'm going to a hotel.
Better make it the Y.
I don't want any women to see me.
Well, look who's here.
The dream weaver.
Why can't you have normal dreams like me? You know, where you're Maharajah Bundy and women with four breasts feed you ding dongs? Is Steve in there? No.
There are no other men in my dream.
Just Phil Donahue, and we feed him to the lizard people.
No, I meant is Steve in your house? Oh, yeah.
He and Peg want me dead.
You just want me.
Sit down, Al.
You're not going to be looking at my butt or anything, right? I think I can guarantee that.
Sit down, Al.
All right.
What is it? I know now why I was having those dreams.
Remember the driveway repavers you said were gonna rip me off? They were, Al, but I never told you.
And the guilt I had manifested itself in my dreams.
I thought that- That I desired you? No, Al.
I was being punished, much as sex with you must actually be like.
So now, in order to rid myself of the guilt and those horrible, horrible dreams, I've come to say you were right.
You hear that, Al? You were right, and I was wrong.
You're the man, and I'm the woman.
And in this case, the man was right.
The man knew better than the woman.
The woman should have listened to the man.
Satisfied, Al? Is that what you want to hear? Wait a second, hold on a second.
You didn't desire me? You didn't even have feet.
Marcie, I thought I heard you out here.
What's going on? Nothing.
Just purging myself, that's all.
Oh, honey, not again.
Not that.
Everything's fine now.
Let's go home.
You mean home as in Last one up has to read the ceiling.
I'm going to have sex, Al.
What's everybody talking about? I got feet.
Al, Steve and I were talking about you being in Marcie's dream, and I was right about it being stupid to blame me.
You're not gonna lord this over me, are you? Sure, I am, Peg.
Well, I'm going up to bed now.
Good.
Why don't you come on up and show me what dreams are really made of? I'll be up in a little bit, Peg.
Well, at least it's all over.
Al! Al, you coming up? I said I'd be up in a second, Peg.
I said I'd be right up.
Well, don't wait too long tiger.
Aah!