Mike & Molly s01e12 Episode Script

Here you are, gentlemen.
A hot breakfast for two of Chicago's finest.
In the spirit of Christmas, I have provided you with a complimentary sausage link.
If you need anything else, merely wave your hand and I will appear like a magic genie.
Boy, he becomes a total kiss-ass at gift time, doesn't he? Mm-hm.
Yeah, the day before his birthday, he gave me free bacon.
Finish your Christmas shopping yet? Almost.
I just bought Grandma a five-branch wig tree.
She puts all her coifs on that it's gonna look like a Jackson family reunion.
All that's left to do is swing by the car wash, pick up stocking stuffers.
Oh, so I guess I'm getting another naked lady car freshener.
No, I'm not buying any more of those.
Thing didn't smell like a naked lady.
Don't worry, I got you something you're gonna like.
That's what you said about the singing fish.
- Why'd you take it out of the bathroom? - It was motion-activated.
Every time I stood up to wipe, I heard "Don't Worry, Be Happy.
" That's good advice in any room of the house.
- What'd you get Molly? - I'm still circling a couple things.
Trying to narrow it down, find the perfect gift.
- Got nothing, do you? - Not a damn thing.
And I have absolutely no idea what the woman likes.
Well, apparently, she likes big dumb guys.
It would be stupid to get her another one of those, wouldn't it? Hey, how about a gift card? Hmm.
You know what a gift card says? "Here, you do it.
" Barely forgivable for your best friend, let alone a woman.
Does that mean you didn't like the Macy's gift card I gave you? It was for $15.
I got a key chain.
After I added $30 of my own money.
Okay, so no gift card.
This is how I learn.
I might be able to scrape together enough to buy Molly a piece of jewelry.
Oh, no, that sets the bar too high.
You get her jewelry, there's no going back to smoked salmon or bath beads.
But if I start too small, it's gonna look like I don't care.
Get a pair of shoes.
- Really? - Yeah, women love shoes.
- It's true, they do.
- Mm.
Molly's got those beautiful feet.
Just nice high arches and sweet little toes that always look impeccable.
What are you doing looking at my girlfriend's feet? Hey, I appreciate nice-looking feet on a woman, and hers are outstanding.
She could be a flip-flop model.
Know what? I'm taking your complimentary sausage link, and I think you know why.
Fine.
If you don't want my help, good luck.
- I don't know her size.
- Six and a half.
Would you like to spice up your coffee with a fresh cinnamon stick? - Thank you, Samuel.
- That's very nice of you.
I wish I could do more, but as you know, I am a humble man of meager means.
- Here you go.
- Merry Christmas.
Oh, what an unexpected surprise.
- Thank you so much.
- Hey, Samuel, we're out of cream here.
Well, we all have our little problems, don't we, big guy? My God, it's like the Shoe Warehouse in here.
Six and a half.
Son of a bitch was right.
Mike, you up here? What are you doing? Oh, I must've dozed off.
Are you feeling okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was just, uh, resting my eyes.
Tough day on the mean streets of Chicago.
You wanna come downstairs? We're trimming the tree.
Great, I can string the popcorn.
Assuming you have an ultrasonic popcorn popper with an automatic butter dispenser.
As a matter of fact, we do.
Good.
Good.
You know what would be fun? To put on some Christmas music.
- Do you have an iPod? - Yes, I do.
Why don't I go get it? Smooth.
Real smooth.
"Do you have an ultrasonic popcorn popper with an automatic butter dispenser?" Well, it's official.
I'm dating Clueless Joe Jackson.
Yeah, he clearly hasn't had a lot of girlfriends.
Yesterday, he asked me if you needed jumper cables or if you'd ever shown any interest in golf.
I love that he's trying to find the perfect gift, but he's running out of time.
So I'm guessing I'll be getting earmuffs and a fudge log.
Which I'll love.
What'd you get him? Hmm, this really cool leather bomber jacket.
Has he been hinting for it? Not exactly, but his favorite movies are Top Gun and memphis Belle.
And every time we drive somewhere, he pretends I'm his copilot.
- So it was a reasonable guess.
- Roger that.
Now, have you given him any hints about what you want? You just gonna feign enthusiasm when he gives you a BeDazzler? No.
I've left a couple open catalogs lying around on the nightstands.
Well, you might wanna leave those catalogs in the refrigerator or next to the crapper.
Otherwise, you're gonna be losing valuable closet space for a set of golf clubs.
Hey, I'm not gonna put a Post-it on his forehead.
I think it's important for him to figure out the kind of gift I might like.
And not just some stupid trip on the same cruise ship that his wife and kids are on.
That's messed up, right? - Uh, yeah.
- Absolutely.
I mean, I still went.
Ended up spending the whole time getting high in my cabin.
Boy, I sure do like weed.
Yeah, God bless her, she's always been easy to shop for.
I don't understand.
Why not get her the ThighMaster? And how about if she gets you the Ab Roller? Okay.
Point taken.
But what was the problem with the Hickory Farms cheese and salami bouquet? You don't deserve a girlfriend.
Cool.
Bomber jacket.
- Get away from that.
We're here for Molly.
- Secret pocket.
I could put stuff in there.
It's gonna be cheaper after Christmas.
Get over here and check some lingerie.
Nobody likes getting underwear for Christmas.
It's like a book or socks.
Or a 15-dollar gift card.
But we're not talking about regular underwear.
We're talking satin and lace to rub on your face.
But isn't lingerie more of a gift for me than for her? Oh, like she was ever gonna see any of that cheese and salami.
Now, check this out.
Nothing beats the basic Black Merry Widow that buttons at the crotch for easy access.
- For going to the bathroom, right? - You really don't deserve a girlfriend.
Now, picture her in this.
Maybe add a pair of high-heeled, open-toed shoes to wear with it.
Mm, mm, mm.
See, now, this image here, this will haunt me.
There you are.
I knew I'd find you sniffing around the ladies' underwear.
Grandma, I'm still helping Mike look for a present for Molly.
Michael, you're not taking gift advice from Panty Claus, are you? Last good gift he gave a woman was leaving.
I know, Nana, but I'm desperate.
It's real simple, sweetie.
Just get her something nice that she wouldn't buy for herself.
How about a gift basket with 10 different-colored nail polishes.
Turn those sweet little toes of hers into a rainbow.
Hush up, Buster Brown.
Just listen to her when she talks.
You'll be surprised how many little clues she'll give you.
Oh, my, look at these.
They look comfortable.
And so soft too.
Did the knucklehead get the message? I think so, Nana.
Watch your backs and cover your cracks.
I'm at eye level here.
- So you gonna buy her the slippers? - Yeah.
Looks like you're getting a wig tree.
So this one's for Victoria? Yeah.
Don't ask me what's in it and don't bring any police dogs into the house.
So that's it? You finished all your shopping today? Yep.
Thank God.
It's a madhouse out there.
At one point, I just got fed up and ducked into this little coffee shop over on Halsted.
Oh, I know that one.
It's next to the pet store with the birds in the window.
Maybe.
I don't know.
But I do know that the coffee at that place is terrific because they use a French press, which I also think they sell.
Cool.
Have you ever been in that pet store? They got cockatoos.
I think they're cockatoos.
The ones with the feathered Mohawk, right? I'm not sure.
I'm not really a bird expert.
Guess I could go look it up on my laptop.
Ah, wait.
I left it in my car because the strap on my bag broke.
Yeah.
Same thing happened to my gym bag.
Little duct tape, good as new.
I don't know.
I've had it a long time.
- It's pretty beat up.
- Well, nothing lasts forever.
Although I've heard those exotic birds can live up to 80 years.
- Mike, please don't buy me a bird.
- I don't know what the hell to get you.
You're a closed book, lady.
No, I'm not.
I'm an open catalog laying on the nightstand.
I don't know what that means.
I'm lost.
I was in the mall for six hours today.
The only thing I bought was a Diet Sprite, a lemon bar and a really cool bomber jacket for myself.
Bomber jacket? It's Christmas Eve and here I am with all the other last-minute losers.
I'm not like you people.
Calm down.
So what if you slipped up this year? Oh, I slipped up? Who let him walk out of here with a bomber jacket? What was I gonna do? I was helping Grandma get her Rascal down the escalator.
He wandered off and came back eating a lemon bar and wearing a bomber jacket.
It's like going to the mall with a 300-pound toddler.
I am so screwed, Carl.
I We are exchanging gifts at his mom's house tonight.
We got time before the stores close.
Let's not complicate the situation.
Mike is a simple man with simple tastes.
- Okay, what about a nice cologne? - No, smells are lost on him.
He gets into the squad car with dog crap on his shoes, doesn't even faze him.
One time, he thought we were passing a bakery.
All right, what about cuff links? Uh, sure.
How about a kimono and ballet shoes? I'm under a lot of pressure right now.
I could do without the sarcasm.
Ooh, cashmere scarves.
Ah, yes.
What you get the man with no neck.
Come on, you work with him all day long.
He must've told you something that he wants.
Uh, well, let's see.
Uh, girlfriend, got one.
Bomber jacket, check.
One of those helmets that holds two cans of beer.
- Well, I'm not getting him that.
- Good, because I already did.
- Perfect.
The man's got everything.
- Well, you know, he likes video games.
Video games? Go.
Move, move, move! Move the baby! Move that baby! Come on, toy store, let's go! This is not a drill! I hate Christmas.
What happened? Did your reindeer finally quit? Been in every store on Michigan Avenue trying to find the gift for Molly and I can't do it.
Well, in my village, we have an old proverb: When in doubt, say it with cattle.
I can't give her a cow.
She doesn't even want a bird.
I keep looking for something that says, "You're the greatest thing.
" The closest thing I've found is an embroidered sweatshirt that says: "You're the greatest thing that ever happened to me.
" I cannot believe the pressure you Americans put on yourself at the holidays.
And why? You live in nice homes, have a car to drive and clearly enough food to eat.
You know, I let the reindeer comment slide, but now you're just poking the bear.
What I am trying to say is that this is a time to be with family and to share joy with one another.
Not schlepping from store to store trying to find some useless trinket to express what is in your heart.
- "Schlepping"? It's Christmas Eve.
This place is like Jew central.
My point is, there is nothing in the world more precious than the love that one human being gives to another.
That is the one gift in life you cannot put a price on.
You're right.
My problem is I've been putting a price on this.
Thank you, Samuel.
You're a very wise man.
Ah, enough schmoozing already, boychick.
Get your tuchus out of here and go give your bubeleh a nice Christmas smooch.
All right, get ready to embark on an exciting new dimension in home entertainment.
- Oh, Vince, this is too much.
- Hey, it's Christmas.
Besides, I'm taking it out in trade.
I brought my mistletoe belt buckle.
You are a devil.
Wait till you see porn on this thing.
The clarity is unbelievable.
Provides a whole 'nother level of filth.
God bless the Japanese.
All right, see you guys later.
Whoa, what the hell? Turn that off.
Where you going, hon? Mike's mom's house.
We're exchanging gifts.
Aw, I hope he likes the jacket.
He already does.
Hey, who wants a gingerbread man fresh out of the oven? Ooh, yummy.
FYI, don't eat these if you're driving or operating any heavy machinery.
However, if you're hitchhiking to a reggae concert, I recommend two.
Come on, Jim, we don't have all night.
Open Molly's gift.
- Why don't I open it? - He prefers to do it himself.
Jim, quit lollygagging.
You're embarrassing me.
Mom, why don't I just get it started for him? Oh, look, Jim, a rubber bone.
Merry Christmas.
Oh, joy, and it squeaks too.
That ought to drive me up a wall.
Well, I was gonna get him a sweater, but I wasn't sure of his size.
I'm glad you didn't.
I think dressing dogs up like people is weird, and vice versa.
You gonna open your present, Mikey? - Okay.
- Heh.
Ooh.
Socks and underwear? A Christmas tradition.
I figure your girlfriend can buy you bow ties and top hats.
- Bow ties and top hats? - Let it go.
I got you the kind that are loose in the crotch to prevent chafing.
When he was a boy, I had to butter his thighs.
Merry Christmas, Mom.
It's a FryDaddy.
Mike, don't spoil the surprise.
That's all right, I hate surprises.
Yours is mittens.
If you don't like them, the receipt's in the box.
I'm sure I'll love them.
- I wonder what color they are.
- Red.
Hold on.
I believe I have a little something in my secret pocket.
Here, open mine.
Okay.
Heh.
Did you get me a pen and pencil set? Holy crap.
Are these real diamonds? Yep, and delicately clustered in a beautiful setting of white gold.
- Oh, my God, you can't afford this.
- Not a problem.
I put it on a credit card and I can pay it off in 110 easy payments.
That's like nine years.
Really? Sales guy really didn't spell it out in years.
- Mike, I can't accept this.
- Why not? I wanted to get you something special.
- Absolutely not.
This is way too expensive.
- I don't care.
I want you to have it.
- I don't want it.
- You do.
- No, I don't.
- I love you.
You can't put a price on love.
Hold on a second.
You love me? Yeah.
Is that okay? - I love you too.
- Really? More than anything.
You're still not giving me a diamond bracelet.
- Why not? - Because I don't wanna spend our lives paying off my first Christmas present.
If you're really uncomfortable, I'll trade you for the FryDaddy.
Hang on, Ma.
So you think we're gonna be together for the rest of our lives? - Just a figure of speech.
- No, it's not.
I heard you say it.
This was really sweet of you, but you saying "I love you" was the only Christmas present I really want.
- Really? - Really.
Well, isn't this a magical Christmas? You get an expensive piece of jewelry and I get a deep-fat fryer.
God bless us, everyone.
Sayonara, Tojo.
I'm so glad you like your Xbox.
Oh, it's the best gift ever.
You sure you don't wanna rethink the bracelet? No.
The day after Christmas, we're taking it back.
But until then, I'm not taking it off.
It's probably for the best.
At least I'll make rent this month.
Hey, who scarfed down all my gingerbread men? Not me.
Sweet dreams, Maverick.