Roseanne s01e12 Episode Script

tv ANNOUNCER: tHE ARENA'S FILLED TO CAPACITY TONIGHT dad, who's this? tHE GAME OF THE YEAR.
the real handsome guy there? that's me.
no, really.
afraid so, pal.
that was taken the day your mom and me got married.
you look young.
well, we got married when we were about your age.
dad, you said the baseball game was on.
it is, this is the pre-game show.
my god, you got the pre-game show, the post-game show, the halftime show, and highlights at 11.
you don't even need the game.
man cannot live by highlights alone.
becky! baby, will you go up there and tell her to turn that down? what's the matter, your leg's busted? actually, it's just a hairline fracture.
i'll be sitting for most of the game.
becky! rock and roll! that does it.
conner's up.
he's moving across the sideline, he breaks into a run.
and he loses the ball to lightning fast roseanne that comes out of nowhere.
i'm dead.
dan, she's dead.
well, the guest always stays for a hot meal i always say, and i don't know why.
but anyway, your dinner's in the oven.
thanks.
boy, this job is grueling.
hey, you're the one that wanted to strike it rich in the newspaper game.
becky!god.
i got it! what is it? would you please turn that down.
- i'm trying to watch a game.
- i'm trying to learn biology.
well, all you need to know about biology is that the head bone's connected to the neck bone, and the neck bone's gonna be broken unless you get up there and turn that down.
who was it? oh, it was mrs.
clyde.
she claims she never got her newspaper.
that's the second time she's claimed that this week, darlene.
- you better get over there.
- i can't.
i'm all out.
well, here.
take this one of me and dad's.
i ain't done with that yet.
well, your daughter's in career crisis here.
hop to it.
i need some time off.
oh-ho-ho, you need some time off.
i need a vacation.
you need a vacation.
i haven't had one day off since the day i married you.
- sure you have.
- oh, i have not.
- what about our honeymoon? - what honeymoon? eighteen hours on your cousin's houseboat does not a honeymoon make.
i happen to recall that that was a veritable lovefest.
oh, come on, we never had a real honeymoon, and you know it.
it's the one missing piece in an otherwise picture perfect romance.
roseanne, are you saying that you want a honeymoon? no, i'm saying i wanna be tarred and feathered.
come on, babe.
we got two jobs and three kids.
we ain't got the time.
well, we could make time.
i bet each of us could get a week off next month.
you're really serious about this, ain't you? no, i just brought it up to complicate your life.
all right nothing complicated about that.
- we'll go on a honeymoon.
- where are we gonna go? well, i'll call my cousin and see if his houseboat's free.
i wanna go someplace romantic.
are you saying i can't pick something romantic? yeah.
you are not romantic at all.
i am a hopeless romantic.
well, you're hopeless.
i am the king of romance.
that's because you learned it from the queen.
- oh, yeah? - yeah.
are you saying that you're more romantic than i am? i most "soitenly" am.
all right, your royal highness, i'll tell you what.
you pick a honeymoon spot, i'll pick a honeymoon spot, then we'll see which one's the most romantic.
you're on, beef boy.
hey, rosie, what if we both wind up picking the same thing? it'll mean we're actually meant for each other.
no, it won't mean that.
you know what would be my idea of a perfect honeymoon? mel gibson and a stick of butter.
i'm serious.
no, it'd be an entire month on a greek island in a quaint little house up in the mountains but not too far away from the beach.
ah, that sounds real good.
the only thing that's missing is your husband.
that's why it's the perfect honeymoon.
oh, i get it.
hey, darlene, you're late.
i know.
i got hung up at school.
two people already's been calling looking for their newspapers.
damn.
well, there's no need to cuss, for hell's sake.
bring it out.
i'll help you fold them up.
thanks.
here.
i'll fold the rest.
all right.
sis, make yourself useful, huh? so, you gonna watch our kids when me and dan goes on our honeymoon? sure, but you're not gonna go anywhere.
so now you're reading the future, right? now you got e.
s.
p.
every time you and dan plan a trip, something happens.
and you know why that is? oh, enlighten me, swami nanda.
because you don't really wanna go, because you think that nobody can survive without you.
well, they can't.
because you think you're the center of the universe.
well, things do revolve around me.
- hi, aunt jackie.
- hi, kiddo.
- hey, how was school? - all right, except for biology.
mr.
hodges is making us dissect a frog in lab.
- i remember when we had to do that.
- yeah, me, too.
i'm in class with this big guy.
he's on the football team.
i cut into my frog, he goes down like a ton of bricks.
you know, cold faint, cuts up his chin.
really? ask your dad to show you his scar.
well, you guys may have done it, but i think it's morally wrong to hack up poor, defenseless animals.
the frog's already dead by the time you're hacking on it, ain't it? but if i didn't have to dissect it, they wouldn't have to kill it.
if you don't wanna do it, don't do it.
but then i'll flunk lab and bring my "a" average down to a "c.
" becky, if you feel strongly about something, you shouldn't do it.
you won't get mad if i get a "c"? the only time i'd ever get mad at you is if you're doing something that you know is not right.
thanks.
i got it.
if that's one of my customers, tell 'em i'm already gone.
hello.
oh, hi, mrs.
clyde.
she'll probably gonna call my boss and complain.
your paper should be there any minute.
okay, bye.
darlene, you better move.
she sounded angry.
i'm moving, i'm moving.
becky, go wash up for dinner now.
- oh, what are we having? - frog legs.
you're so demented.
- hey, baby, i'm home.
- hey, me, too.
- hey, jackie.
- hey.
- you gonna stay for dinner? - are you serious? - we'd love to have you.
- what's the matter with him? can't a guy have a good day once in a while? well, not that good.
what are you smiling at, hot stuff? well- wait a minute.
what's this in my pocket? it could be.
it might be.
it is.
holy cow.
it's a honeymoon.
why, yes, it's paradise.
another guy who thinks he's got paradise in his jeans.
yeah, paradise lost.
ahh.
cackle, cackle, hens.
baby, this place is perfect for us.
it's romantic, it's secluded, and it's 400 miles from anybody who's ever seen us in our bathrobes.
oh! look at this.
the lamont cabins, boulder lake, rhinelander, wisconsin.
you're gonna take her camping? dAN: camping? we're talking luxury here.
these cabins got everything.
electricity, hot water, full kitchen.
well, full kitchen.
gee, sis, that's just the getaway you've been looking for.
we'll be dining at the lodge.
well, maybe if we're lucky, we can get a table under the antlers.
for your information, i talked to a guy down at the lumber yard who went to this place.
said he had the time of his life.
did he say what kind of time his wife had? he ain't married - went there with a bunch of buddies of his.
geez, now, i don't have the intense lumberyard connections that you got, but i did manage to put together a honeymoon in, uh, the grand duchess hotel in sarasota, florida.
"grand duchess resort hotel, sarasota, florida.
" a-tha.
it's the perfect honeymoon spot.
it's warm and it's sunny.
and not romantic.
what are you talking about? walking hand in hand on a beach.
that ain't romantic? yeah, dodging seagulls and 10,000 sunburned tourists.
honestly, jackie, i ask you.
is that romantic? well, coffee shop's open until 9:00.
ooh! well, now, whose side are you on? i'm on your side.
and i'm on your side.
just- just pick.
go anywhere.
well, i'm not going there.
there's not nothing for me to do in a place like that.
what are you, nuts? there's plenty of stuff for you to do there.
there's stuff for you to do.
there's hunting, fishing, tracking moose.
what am i supposed to do, forage for nuts and berries? can i make a suggestion? bOTH: no.
honey, i'm just not gonna feel comfortable at someplace with palm trees and marble floors.
well, do you think i'm gonna have fun at someplace famous for lightning bugs? there's only one way to settle it - separate honeymoons.
- no.
- hmm.
all right, i'll settle it.
call it in the air.
heads or tails.
florida.
hey, get your grubby paw out of that cereal box, would ya? i'm looking for the toy.
well, i already took it out of there, see.
if you're real nice, maybe i'll let you play with it.
- i'll be nice.
- liar, liar, pants on fire.
you know, dan, it's not too late for you to change your mind and come with me to the remarkable sunshine state.
but, honey, there won't be no sunshine in florida.
i won't be there.
oh, i guess then i'll just be sitting in my deluxe suite, crying out my eyes 'cause i can't share a concrete shower with four other cabins.
i bet that's them old cabins right now wondering what color bug light you want.
dARLENE: i got it! - hey, are you all right? - sure.
why? well, you just walked by a ringing phone.
mom, please, i have a lot of things on my mind.
hodges is gonna make me rip the guts out of some frog.
yum.
more cereal, anyone? yes, please.
i don't see how any of you can eat.
pass the milk.
there you go.
i still don't know what i'm gonna do, mom.
you're gonna do whatever you feel is right, okay? - you keep the faith.
- yeah.
darlene, who was that? oh, it was mr.
attleroy, my boss at the newspaper.
- and what did he want? - he wants to see me after school.
i guess he didn't get his paper yet either.
ah! well, mom, i did it.
i told hodges i wouldn't cut up that frog.
well, i bet that frog is pretty glad to hear that.
yeah, but hodges wasn't.
thanks to him, i got a "c" on my record.
you ought to be proud of that "c," becky.
i am.
you put yourself on the line for that.
it's not fair.
i'm the best student in the class, and everyone else is gonna get a better grade than me.
than i.
well, nobody's gonna do better than you in english.
you know, when i told hodges i wouldn't do it, all the kids cheered.
but then two seconds later, they started cutting up their frogs.
what a bunch of hypocrites.
well, becky, you are the best student in that class, and it's just too bad they don't give out grades for standing up for what you believe in.
i still don't believe i got a "c.
" becky, if you wanted an "a," you would've cut up that frog.
but instead you did the right thing.
the hip thing, the now thing, the happening thing, the '90S thing.
then how come i feel so lousy? i think it's 'cause your body's starting to reject the "c.
" where be the white whale? arrgh! arrgh! arrgh.
d.
j.
, let me know if they run.
i'm gonna go upstairs and study.
i can't afford to screw anything else up this semester.
hey, stick 'em up.
don't try nothin' funny, partner.
just hand me over that money.
how much is this? i don't know, but it looks like a lot.
- what you gonna do with it? - i don't know.
buy me something nice.
what would you like? a honeymoon in sarasota, florida.
what's a honeymoon? i don't know, i never had one.
oh, darlene, mrs.
clyde just called.
she said she's looked in all her puddles, and she still can't find her newspaper.
well, that's not my problem anymore.
and why is that? mr.
attleroy gave me the ax.
well, darlene, now that you've got some free time, could i get a minute with you? can i at least get a snack before you chop my head off? no.
sit.
all right, start talking.
well, it's a long, boring story.
that's a good beginning.
keep going.
well, i figured a paper route was an easy way to make some money.
darlene, there's no easy way to make money.
if there was, your mother would've found it by now.
let's face it, darlene.
you quit on that job a long time before attleroy fired you.
- maybe i did.
- you did.
all right, but i'm 11 years old.
i figured why not enjoy myself.
i can live on my allowance for a few more years.
i guess you ain't heard about the lay-off then, huh? me and your daddy can only afford to support two kids now.
well, who's gonna tell d.
j.
? - hey, you're gonna be proud of becky.
- why's that? because she took a "c" in biology, rather than commit animal genocide.
good for her.
hey, i got four "c"S and nobody congratulated me.
"c"S come easy for you, honey.
becky really had to work for her "c.
" well, the first one was the hardest for me, too.
you know, dan, i really adore your kids.
yeah? i'd say we're three for three.
you know, i think our first real try was on my cousin's houseboat.
the only thing i was really trying to conceive on that houseboat was an escape route.
you guys busy? no, we were just sitting around waiting for you to show up.
you know, every time you arrive, it's the highlight of dan's day.
well, it is today, 'cause i've been spending a lot of time since yesterday thinking about your guy's honeymoon.
you ain't going with us.
on the contrary.
you guys have been arguing about it for 15 years.
you're gonna spend the next 15 years arguing about it.
so i've decided that since you guys weren't gonna take one, i was gonna give you one.
what are you talking about? i booked a suite for the weekend at wizard world.
oh, boy.
wizard world.
home of the wacky, wiggling worm water ride.
boy, i bet you never thought we would be spending the weekend there, huh? - not weally.
- jACKIE: oh, forget it.
you guys aren't going.
becky!darlene! - d.
j.
!front and center! - what are you up to? i'm running away for the weekend, and i'm taking your kids with me.
you guys get to stay in the house and have your honeymoon.
- you mean? - ooh, i have to be alone with you? - ooh! - a girl, ooh! and you better make the most of it, too, because this is the last anniversary present you're getting for the next ten years.
oh, that's so sweet.
thank you, sis.
you guys, pack your bags 'cause we're going to wizard world.
- all right! - wizard world? for the whole weekend.
- are mom and dad coming? - no.
rosie, what are you doing? don't you worry about it.
you ready to start? i guess so.
this is weird.
i keep waiting for a kid to come tearing through here.
well, dan, now, we don't have any kids 'cause we're on our honeymoon.
what are you doing? sit.
okay, our honeymoon has officially started.
it has? yeah, how do you like our honeymoon suite? i like it.
it has a nice, homey lived-in feel to it.
are you ready for romance? are you? i was born ready.
- nice touch.
- i didn't even get to the touching yet.
now, would you like candlelight or candlelight? how about candlelight? okay, now, which one do you want? a rippling stream or a waterfall effect? surprise me.
all right.
there's one rippling stream.
that's nice.
- a waterfall might be nicer.
- you got it.
watch out for the mist.
so this is the honeymoon i've always wanted.
niagara falls!