The King of Queens s01e12 Episode Script

Could you have picked seats any further back? It looked like it was filling up.
I panicked.
Louis! Yo, Louis! Get over here! And you couldn't spot trouble with this one over here, right? Look, if I can watch a movie about three divorced women who drive across Canada, you can deal with the seats.
- Fine.
Can I have my glasses, please? - Yeah.
Hey, yo, Louis! Yeah, Mimi said she'll see you after the movie! After the movie! Yeah, Mimi! You know what? What? Shut your Milk Dud-hole.
You're so good with children.
Are you okay? I just got a kernel stuck in that little, like, punching-bag thing.
There it goes.
Hey, hon, can I Can I get a sip of soda? Yeah.
Cute.
Oh, look, there's Spence.
Spence, hi.
- Oh.
Hey, guys.
- Hey, buddy.
How's it going? Good.
Are you here by yourself, hon? By myself on a Friday night? No, no.
I'm here with some work people.
Oh, there they- There they are.
I- Okay, I'm coming! Those crazy knuckleheads.
I'll see you later.
He's not really with anyone, is he? Not a soul.
Oh, wait a minute, he's sitting with some people over there.
Doesn't know them.
Oh, they're moving away Oh, I can't look, it's so sad.
Oh, gosh.
You know what, you know what'll make us feel better, though? Couple hot pretzels.
I'll save your seat.
Poor Spence.
He must be so lonely.
Mr.
Haskell's office.
Can you call back later? This isn't really a good time for me.
- Jen? - Huh? You seeing anyone? Seeing anyone? I'm not really sure.
You're not sure? You wanna give me a hint? Well, there's that guy Craig I went out with a few times.
Right, Craig.
What's up with that? I don't know.
Now when I call him, he always calls me back at home when he knows I'm at work.
That's a bad sign, isn't it? Well, considering he works here Yeah.
Well, then, guess I'm not seeing anybody.
You know what? I know a really nice guy.
And he's single.
You wanna meet him? Sure.
Who is he? Well, he's a friend of my husband's.
His name is Spence.
"Spence.
" I like that name.
Sounds tall and rugged.
Does, doesn't it? Bad idea.
- Why? - It just is.
Doug, the man watched an entire movie with a bunch of Nigerian exchange students.
You don't think he needs a date? No.
He's got a very nice routine.
Work, dinner with his mom, Babylon 5, then sleep.
Why screw around with it? Because he's miserable.
But he's happy being miserable.
You know what, Doug? I think you like Spence being miserable because it makes you feel better about your own life.
Honey, I'm not sure, but I think you just insulted yourself.
Look, this girl Jenny is perfect for him.
She's funny, she's offbeat, she uses an inhaler.
Look, just treat Spence's life like a mugging on the subway.
Don't get involved.
It doesn't have to be a real fix-up.
I mean, we can invite them over for a barbecue, just real casual.
Can you give me an inch here to spit, please? You know what, I saw this thing on the Science Channel on how primates can become damaged if they don't get enough companionship.
Science.
Ooh, la-di-da.
Anyway, these researchers, they kept a male monkey alone for so long that when they finally stuck a female in with him he threw faeces at her and he humped a eucalyptus tree.
That turns you on? A little bit, yeah.
And we're having them over.
Hey, Jenny.
You like your barbecue, do you? Sure.
- Wanna know my secret? - Sure.
First, I put the meat on the grill, then I cover it with barbecue sauce, then I cook it until it's about halfway done, flip it over, and cook it some more.
Is he okay? Well, he's- He's happy.
Okay, I'm back.
- I got soda and Spence.
- Hi.
Did you pick up my secret ingredient? Yes, Arthur, here's your salt.
lodised.
Well, I hope everyone saves room for dessert.
I was listening to Beck last night, I got crazy, and I put chocolate chips in my macaroons.
Spence, I want you to meet Jenny.
Jenny, this is Spence.
- Hi, Spence.
- Pleased to meet you.
So, who else is coming to this little soirée? Who else? Well, the Flankmans, they They cancelled.
And the Shmankmans, they They had a thing, so Actually, I guess this is it.
Oh, I see.
Jenny, I'm flipping.
I think you're gonna wanna see this.
- Excuse me.
- Okay.
This is a fix-up, isn't it? - Her fault.
I was against it.
- Oh, nice support.
Thank you.
- I have to leave.
- No.
Spence, Spence.
Stop it.
Would you relax? Now listen, she is a very nice girl.
- Okay, so far so good.
- Shut up.
Here are the burgers.
Those look beautiful.
Why don't we all just have a seat.
Talk for a little while.
Sit down, Spence.
Now we're sitting.
- Sitting's the best.
- Yeah.
Jenny, did I tell you that Spence sells tokens on the subway? That's the way to impress her.
The subway.
That must be interesting.
Oh, yeah, well, the other day, this guy fell on the tracks and the third rail fried him and then the F train came along and sliced him clean in half.
That's no way to start your day, huh? No, it is not.
- This is fun.
- Good times.
So you like those peanuts, huh? Oh, God, I'm eating peanuts.
Why are there peanuts? - Why are there peanuts? - I don't know! Why not? - He's allergic.
- I got nervous, I started popping them.
- What should we do? - Well, there may be convulsions.
The doctor said if this ever happened to induce vomiting.
Did he mention who should? I tried to tell you, I said, "Don't do it.
" But no, "I wanna fix Spence up.
A date would be good for Spence.
" Are you happy? He's fine.
Carrie, the man bit clean through my wallet.
For God sakes, you almost killed him.
Would you stop it? He's nowhere near dying.
In Doug's defence, I did see my grandmother.
Spence, I'm really sorry.
I just thought you two would really like each other.
It was a nice thought but I'm probably better off spending my life alone.
That's what I told her.
Hi.
I probably should get going.
Oh, really? So soon? Yeah, I Yeah.
Stick around for my encore.
I'm gonna swell up to twice my size.
- Are you feeling any better? - Yeah, a little better.
I must look great.
Actually, you're kind of cute when you're not convulsing.
That's almost half the time.
- Should I? - Oh, yeah, sure, go ahead.
How's that? Well, you're getting ice water in my eye.
- Sorry.
- I didn't say I hated it.
Isn't that cute? Yeah, it's great, Cupid.
Now let's go hose his lunch off the fence.
What ever happened to UHF? What? Remember all those weird stations with bad reception? You had to tune them in like you were cracking a safe? Where'd they all go? They went to a big farm where I'm sure they're very, very happy.
I hope so.
Guess who I saw at the mall today holding hands.
- Who? - Oh, just a little certain couple I put together.
I think you know their names.
Lyle and Eric? Spence and Jenny.
And they looked so cute together.
- That's good.
- Oh, that's the best you can do? Come on, give it up, pal.
Say, "You were right.
" - You were right.
- No, say it like you mean it.
You were right.
Okay, now say it like a young French whore.
Come on! You were right.
Okay, gun to your head, you got to choose one.
Would you rather have toothpicks shoved under your fingernails or take the subway, at rush hour, naked? I'm gonna go with the toothpicks, just for everyone else's sake.
All right, give me one.
Okay, would you rather have your big toe amputated or make out with Larry King for fifteen minutes? We lying down or standing up? You're leaning against a car.
- That's right down the line.
- Yeah.
You think that one over.
Hello, peasants.
- Hey, Moose, who's this guy? - Where you been, you little freak? Look, I know, I've been neglectful.
I keep telling my girlfriend that I should drop by here more often.
But as my girlfriend likes to say, "Who has time?" That's my girlfriend for you.
You get anything off her yet? - That's the first thing you ask? - That's all I wanna know.
I'm not gonna tell you.
I have too much respect for her, and me.
That's a "no.
" Come on, it's only been a month.
A month? And you haven't been having sex? What the hell you been doing for a month? We've been getting to know each other as human beings.
Whatever.
Do you believe this guy? - A month, huh? - Yes a month! A month is not that long not to have had sex.
Yeah, but if you add in the other 31 years, I'd think you'd be a little antsy.
Even so, I just wanna wait.
I don't wanna do it till the time is right.
Oh, jeez.
Give me her number.
I'll do it for you.
- Shut up! - Look, Richie, let me handle this.
Look, Spence, man, waiting is fine, you know? And you've done a great job with the waiting part.
But I think maybe now it's time to take little Spency out of the hangar, wax him up, and let him fly.
I don't know.
I don't know, I don't know.
Come on, look, I know it's scary.
I was scared my first time.
Richie, you were scared your first time, right? Yeah.
It was recess, we only had, like, ten minutes.
Come on, Spency.
I'm only telling you this because, you know, you're my friend, man, I love you.
I'm just saying, if you wait too long, this opportunity could go bye-bye.
Then it could be, hey, another 31 years before this opportunity comes again.
It's pretty tough losing your virginity when you're 62.
All right, there's another problem, though.
She has two roommates, I live with my mom.
We don't have a place.
Welcome to the erogenous garagenous.
So this is nice, huh? Not really.
Why are we here? This is just a place I like to come to.
Get away from all the hustle and bustle, all the people, and cars Except that one.
Shouldn't we get going? The movie starts at eight- Spence, are you okay? I think that you'll find I'm better than okay.
Man That has got tetanus written all over it.
Spence, what is this about? I mean, why are we even here? To, you know, have sex.
Now? Well I, I don't wanna be the 62-year-old guy.
My plane isn't out of the thing.
You have to wax me, the whole flying I don't really know what you're talking about, but I should go.
I'll call you.
Oh, that is so sweet.
In your face! Right back at you, Doug! - Doug, you having a good time? - Yes, Arthur.
It's amazing what 10 bucks at a garage sale buys you.
It's incredible.
We're on the couch, yet we're playing tennis.
One giant leap for mankind.
Hey, it wouldn't upset me if you come back with some Cheez Doodles.
It wouldn't upset me if you moved to Leisure World.
Coming up.
- Hey, honey.
- Hey, babe.
- How was work? - It was good.
Listen, have you talked to Spence today? No.
Why? Jenny's really freaked out.
Apparently, last night he took her into our garage for some reason, turned off all the lights and lunged at her like a horny 13-year-old.
Really? Yeah, and then he started flipping out, apologising, and then he left, like, 40 psycho messages on her machine.
I mean, she's afraid to call him back.
Doug, why did he take her into our garage? You know anything about this? No.
Oh, wait, did you, did you say "garage"? You said "garage.
" Oh, you know, you know what? I might have said, yeah, he could use it.
That's what he wanted it for? Not your best lie, honey.
Look, I was just trying to help him.
He needed a place to have sex so you suggested our garage? Well, first I suggested the sex, garage came later.
Oh, I see.
So Spence was going along fine, having a nice relationship.
And then you said, "Spence, romance tip for you: Why don't you try to hump her next to our lawnmower?" Sure, you can make anything sound stupid.
Wait a second, I'm not taking the fall for this, okay? - This is all your fault.
- My fault? Yeah, your fault.
It was your idea to fix them up in the first place.
I said, "Don't do it.
It's just gonna get screwed up.
" Yeah, but you're the thing that screwed it up.
Yeah, but my screwing up is something you should've anticipated.
Apology accepted.
All right, it's all a big joke, Doug.
All I know is, Spence had a good thing going and you screwed it up for him.
Hey, Spence.
Can I talk to you for a minute? Sorry, City Transit policy prohibits me from engaging in conversations of a personal nature while on duty.
So you won't talk to me? Not unless you're buying a token.
Fine.
How many please? One.
- Okay, now will you talk to me? - Sorry, our business is concluded.
You know what? Here, give me ten, one every 15 seconds.
Are you sure you wouldn't prefer our more convenient ten-pack? I'm sure.
- Look, I called Jenny.
- Oh, you called her? Who told you to do that? I told her the whole thing was my fault, and she said she'd talk to you.
- She's just taking pity on me.
- That's not true.
You gotta call her, for me, all right? This whole thing is my fault.
No, it's not your fault.
If you hadn't pushed me, I would've made my own pathetic move a year from now and screwed it up myself.
A year? Wow, I really did push you.
When Carrie suggested fixing you guys up, I admit, I was against it.
But I was wrong, and I told her like a French whore! I'm just gonna be another minute.
You guys got a good thing going.
You do.
It was a fluke.
I mean, why would any woman like me? Why? A lot of reasons.
You're smart, you got a great weird sense of humour, and P.
S.
you're attractive.
Yeah, right.
You are.
Well, like how? Be specific.
You have nice eyes.
And? Full, pouting lips.
And? You're killing me here.
- I'll call her.
- Thank you.
Oh, and Spence You do have a great ass.
Oh, look how cute they are.
Oh, look, he's gonna put his arm around her.
Oh, no, he was just yawning.
Gotta admit, he does move slow.
Why did you get Jiggly Worms? I wanted Gummi Bears.
They were out of Gummi Bears.
It's all the same crap anyway.
No, it's not, okay? I like to bite the heads off.
I can't do that with the worms.
I mean, where's the head and where's the ass? That's what I'm wondering.
Hey, Tony, come sit over here! These seats are bet-! I'll come over there.