Frasier s01e13 Episode Script

Though washing one's hands 20 to 30 times a day IS obsessive-compulsive, please bear in mind that your husband is a coroner.
Thank you for your call.
Roz, whom do we have next? Ethan is having a problem at school.
- Hello, Ethan.
I'm listening.
- 'Hi, Dr Crane.
' - How old are you? - 'I'm 13.
'I'm having problems with the other kids.
They're always beating me up.
' Why do you think that's so? 'Because I'm smart.
I have a 160 IQ.
'I'm in the astronomy club and I hate sports.
' Well, the other children are just acting out of jealousy and immaturity.
I know it doesn't help much now but the day will come when you will have the last laugh.
'That's it? ' Yes.
'I find that advice patronising, simplistic and uninspired.
'The real surprise here is they pay you to dole out this balloon juice.
' - Ethan, where are you calling from? - 'Home.
' If any of Ethan's classmates are listening you know where he is, and he can't stay there forever.
Thank you for your call.
That's about it for today.
This is Frasier Crane KACL talk radio, 780AM.
- That was a pretty good show, eh? - Sure, whatever you say.
- Got another one of your hot dates? - If you must know, yes.
- Pick you up outside in five minutes? - Great.
Thanks, Noel.
Noel? Noel Shemsky from Sales? That's who your date is with? We're just having a drink.
Noel, the Mole? I know he's not great-looking, I know he drives a '73 Dodge Polaris, but he's always struck me as a really interesting guy.
The world's full of superficial guys.
He's got a good heart, he's smart, he's substantial, and considering my track record lately, I'd expect your support.
Does Noel still have that autographed picture of Captain Kirk in his cubicle? Why do I tell you anything? Knock, knock! Can I be of any assistance? Oh, no thank you.
I have everything under control.
Mind if I linger? I've always been sort of a kitchen person.
Suit yourself.
I like the company.
So how is Dad's therapy going? We can see more mobility in his hip and his flexibility is improving, but it's a chore to get him to do his exercises.
But if I bribe him with sweets Oh, my goodness! Oh, Dr Crane! Dr Crane, can you get up? No, I'll stay here for a few minutes.
Niles, what are you doing? - He conked his head on the hood.
- You are shameless! I have a sore head and a crackerjack lawyer, so don't crowd me.
- Here, put this on it.
- You've been wonderful in this crisis.
Oh, come on, Camille.
I need to talk to you.
I'm having a young lady over on Friday.
- Could you take Dad out? - I wish you'd said Saturday.
You have plans Friday? - No, I have plans Saturday.
Please.
Oh, all right.
So, does this mean you're hoping to get lucky? Please, nobody refers to having sex as "getting lucky" any more.
I do.
- Hello, boys.
- (Both) Hi, Dad.
Would you like to join Maris and me Friday night? We're dying to try the new rib joint on Bellevue Way.
If the onion rings aren't as big as your head, you get them for free.
Thanks, but I thought I'd just spend a quiet evening at home.
Oh, well Why don't you come to our house? We'll make dinner and we'll even rent an Angie Dickinson film.
What's going on? Frasier wants me out of here because he's got a date? I'm sorry, he sees things that others don't.
I should have asked you myself.
I'll clear out, but remember, one hand washes the other around here.
- What does that mean? - You can clear out for me Thursday.
I got a date with Elaine in 1412.
How long has this been going on? She's had me over for coffee.
I'd like to have her over for dinner.
Niles, wipe that stupid smirk off your face.
- What do you say? - Terrific.
If there's a lull in the conversation we've got board games, playing cards.
Does she play Canasta? And PBS has a documentary on the swing bands of the '30s and '40s.
Thanks, boys.
We'll have creamed corn, rub liniment into each other's joints and fall asleep drooling on the couch.
(Frasier) Morning, Daphne.
Morning.
I want to thank you again for the show last night.
I've never been to experimental theatre before.
What did it mean when the naked man came in carrying the suitcase? Well, I think it meant that he packed too much.
I'm sure your father was glad to have us out.
What is that heavenly aroma? Traditional English breakfast.
We have eggs and bangers, or sausages, and a batch of Grammy Moon's famous sticky buns.
Oh, my, that's it! Grammy used to add a pint of rum to the recipe and nobody liked these more than Grammy.
I'd go to her house and find her out in the garden in a wedding dress face down in the birdbath.
- Morning! - Morning, Dad.
So how was your date last night? It feels strange, a son asking his father how his date was last night when he could ask the date herself.
Elaine, this is Daphne, my son Frasier.
This is Elaine Morris.
- Yes, hello.
- It's a pleasure to meet you.
I know Dad's wanted to have you for a long time.
I mean for dinner.
Well, I certainly enjoyed it.
But I should be going.
No, you should at least stay for breakfast.
I could stay for coffee.
(Frasier) Splendid, splendid.
What did you two kids do last night? Did you play some games? I mean, board games.
Not that you were bored or excited.
Well Not that I'd know anything or should, but Warm buns, Elaine.
No, not yours.
I mean, ours, to eat.
Here, I'll have one.
Mmm Warm.
- Let's go sit at the table.
- OK.
- What the hell is wrong with you? - I don't know! Frasier, I love your show.
My friends and I listen to it almost every day.
That's always lovely to hear.
(Awkward silence) - Elaine's a buyer at Bon Marché.
- I do a great deal of shopping there.
I bought the comforter on Dad's bed.
I suppose you noticed that.
Well I don't know if you had the lights on or I don't know how you like it.
I mean, well, how you light it.
Well, how you like to light it.
Oh, banger, Dad? I really should be going.
I've got to get ready for work.
It was nice meeting you, Daphne, and, uh, Frasier.
- Thanks for a lovely evening, Martin.
- I'll call you later.
You couldn't have served bacon? Me? The way you were carrying on we can be thankful I didn't make toad in the hole.
You handled that smoothly, Dr Crane.
I'm sorry, Dad.
It just caught me off guard.
Oh, that's OK, I should have warned you, but But I really didn't think it was going to happen.
Pretty glad it did.
- So you like Elaine? - I like Elaine.
- So, Dad? - Yeah, yeah.
You're back on the beat! All right! - Lock up your daughters! - Yeah, OK.
- Oh, come on, you old - Frasier, don't push it! We have Marianne on line 4, she's concerned about her daughter.
Hello, Marianne.
I'm listening.
'Kids, you can't live with them, 'you can't shove them back in the womb.
' Well, as we try to forget the image that summons up how can I help you? 'My 22-year-old arrived home for a visit with her boyfriend.
'I insisted they sleep in separate bedrooms.
'She got furious.
She's been upset with me all week.
Am I out of line here? ' - In your house you make up the rules.
- 'Thank you.
' But isn't there something else here? Perhaps you find it hard to think of your daughter as an adult.
We all freeze people in roles with which we are most comfortable, especially when it comes to that old bugaboo, sex.
Take me as an example.
My 63-year-old father moved in with me and this morning, over coffee, I discovered he had spent the night with a delightful creature named Elaine.
It completely unnerved me as I had never thought of my father as a man with normal sexual urges.
To me, he was always just "Dad".
Well, that's absurd.
He is a witty, virile, charming man, possessed with the hereditary Crane good looks.
What I'm driving at is that sexuality is a healthy part of adulthood at any age.
It's time we embraced that, right? 'Sorry, I've got to go.
I'm hearing noises from the guest room.
' As Marianne rushes to the guest room with a bucket of ice water, we will pause for these messages.
- That was a good show.
- Thank you.
- Hi, Dr Crane.
Hi, Roz.
- Hi, Noel.
- I had a great time last night.
- Me, too.
I made you this spice rack.
I specially treated the back for easy wall adhesion.
That was very thoughtful of you, Noel.
Well, um I got to run.
I'll call you later.
Live long and prosper.
Oh, look, there's a place for cumin.
Most people overlook that.
Just kill me.
Why would he say it on the radio? When you get angry, your ears turn red.
See, there they go.
Good evening everyone.
I'll be going to me room right now.
Hello, Eddie.
- I seem to have cleared the room.
- I want to talk to you, mister.
And take me out behind the woodshed? Why were you talking about my personal life on your programme? - You mean about you and Elaine? - Damn right! I was so embarrassed! It was flattering.
Yeah, telling Seattle about me shacking up with a neighbour.
I thought you'd get a kick out of it.
Knock it off.
Elaine won't even talk to me any more.
What for? Simply because of a harmless remark? People of our generation think that sex is a private thing.
That's a healthy way of looking at it.
Sex is something between you and the person you're doing it to! Don't you think she's overreacting a little? She spends the night.
Next, it's being broadcast all over Seattle.
I mean, her friends heard it and called her.
She won't go out or answer the phone.
- I'm sorry.
- Your sympathy touches me (!) I caused the problem, so I'll take care of it.
I'll be in my room holding my breath.
I said I'd take care of it.
(Man drones on) 'I hate my voice.
'I know no one likes the sound of their own voice, especially on tape, 'it doesn't sound as good as in their own head.
'But I hate my voice in my head, too.
'You can't get away from your own voice.
'I tried not listening to myself when I talk, 'but then I say things that don't make a lot of sense.
'I hate my voice so much, 'I had to call a neighbour in to do the message on my answering machine.
'I don't like his voice much either but it's better than mine.
'Not that I get a lot of calls, anyway.
Go figure.
'Any advice, Dr Crane? ' Just go on with what you're doing and everything should turn out all right.
Thank you for your call.
Oh, I'd like to end today's show on something of a personal note.
I'm talking to one person in my audience.
Elaine.
You wouldn't answer my phone calls, so I hope you're listening.
I want to apologise for what I said on the radio.
I took something private and made it public.
I will never do that again, well, except for this time.
Then I promise I'll never do it again.
The saddest thing is, Elaine, Dad is paying for my mistake.
(# "Moon River" plays) Elaine, Martin cares for you and he misses you very much.
More than anything, he'd like to be back together with you.
And if you feel the same, I hope you'll find it in your heart to come to my place tonight at 8:00 for dinner a very romantic dinner.
Thanks, Elaine.
This is KACL-780AM, talk radio, and I'm Frasier Crane The lo-ove doctor.
(Frasier) # Moon river # The champagne is chilled, a platter of hors d'oeuvres - The roast looks beautiful.
- I hope this works.
I've been sending Elaine psychic messages.
You can transmit? I thought you were just a receiver.
I'm giving it a try.
You know: "Elaine in 1410, come to dinner, come to dinner.
" That's very charming, but Elaine is in 1412.
I'd better set an extra place at the table, then.
- It's 8:00 and I'm still a pumpkin.
- It is two minutes to 8:00.
Relax.
She probably didn't hear your show.
- Does this tie go with the jacket? - You look smashing.
Who am I kidding? She won't show up.
(Doorbell) Let's skip the first course, which is crow, and start with the hors d'oeuvres.
Just answer the door.
Is this the Crane residence? - Yes, it is.
- We've been here for 15 minutes.
- Did Elaine show up or not? - Who are you? We heard your show, so romantic! We all have our fingers crossed.
- That's kind.
- I'm Marjorie from 11, this is Norman, these other people I don't know.
Nice to see you all.
Tony, shouldn't you be watching the door? We're all locked in.
I must find out how this ends, Doc.
- What's going on out here? - Oh, is this Martin? (Crowd) Oh! People, don't you have lives of your own? Please, scoot! It's a private situation.
(Elevator bell) - That's her! - Oh, my God! - Please, come out.
- No! Dad, you come in here.
OK, back off! Just give us some time! Please! I should never have come up.
Nothing's changed.
- Let me explain.
- You've done enough.
- Frasier, over there.
- Dad - Turn around.
- Well, I Ah! I'm sorry about what happened.
You've got every right to be mad.
What we had was pretty good.
And thanks to radio boy here, most of Seattle agrees with me.
I'd hate us to lose it because of one stupid thing.
Come on, Elaine.
I had a great time on our date.
Don't you feel the same way? You may not remember but I have warm toes.
It's your choice, but I sure wish you'd come and have dinner with me.
(Bell) Who said you could turn around? Look, it's coming back up! (Crowd) Oh! All right, you've had your fun.
Show is over.
Go back to your homes.
Please folks.
Honour what the man says.
Thank you so much for your concern.
Let's expedite this departure, if you would.
Thank you so much.
Goodbye.
- We should give them their privacy.
- Yes, I suppose you're right.
It's ironic: My 63-year-old father is about to embark on a night of romance, while the two of us, a man and woman, both attractive and eligible, in the prime of our lives, with nothing to do on a Saturday night.
The answer to our problems might be right under our noses.
Yes, Daphne, I think it is.
All right, you go claim the washing machines.
I'll go get the laundry.
# Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-calling # Tossed salads and scrambled eggs # Mercy! # And maybe I seem a bit confused # Yeah, maybe, but I got you pegged! # But I don't know what to do with those # Tossed salads and scrambled eggs # They're calling again # Scrambled eggs all over my face What is a boy to do? # Thank you!