Home Improvement s01e13 Episode Script

Hi, everybody, and welcome once again to Tool Time.
I'm Tim Taylor.
- Of course, you all know AI.
- Borland.
AI, why would they need to know your last name? - You always tell them your last name.
- AI, if they don't know who I am, - they won't know who you are.
Right, AI? - Borland.
Well, we're gonna be hanging some drywall today, Al Borland.
That's right, Tim Taylor.
Since we're hanging it, maybe we'll need a noose.
I don't think so, Tim.
I'll be hanging the wallboard today with my trusty Binford Crown hammer.
It's one of the best you can buy.
When you're hanging wallboard, always make your nail flush.
That gives you the perfect dimple.
- Suppose they call it a dimple because - No, I don't, Tim.
Hanging drywall is actually pretty easy.
Easy procedure if you follow instructions.
Matter of fact, if you follow the proper instructions, it takes hardly any time at all.
- AI, I didn't say to go yet.
- Well, I was - I was just trying to speed things up.
- This isn't a race, AI.
I know that, Tim.
Because if it was, I think you know what would happen.
Yes, I do, Tim.
Well sounds like a challenge from Mr.
AI Borland.
You don't really wanna compete with me, do ya? Well, Tim, when it comes to you and me, there is no competition.
Maybe the audience would like see a little wallboard race between Al and l.
What do you think, folks? Let's see who can nail the bad boy top to bottom first.
Ready? Ready.
- Set? - Set.
Go.
Well, I guess it's pretty easy to see who won that, AI.
We have to tape our stuff Yes, it is, Tim.
Randy get this off of me right now.
Dad, no man has ever escaped Randy's handcuffs of death.
- Let's spray Dad with Silly String.
- No, don't spray Dad.
Cap those things.
Take these off right now.
Fun is fun.
Come on.
- What are the magic words? - "No allowance.
" - Hey, Dad, I heard a great joke today.
- What was it? OK.
What did the moron have for breakfast? I don't know.
This morning you had scrambled eggs and toast.
OK, it's family night.
What have we decided to do? - We want to play video games.
- Yeah! No.
I think that we should just stay home and play charades.
Wait, wait, wait.
Bowling - how about bowling? - Haven't done that in a while.
- No They got a video arcade right there at the bowling alley.
- Yeah, bowling! - Go get your coats.
Come on! It'll be fun, honey.
- I got a great joke for you.
- What? What did the moron have for breakfast? Today you had cereal and an English muffin.
You're all wrong.
I had rye toast.
Ha-ha-ha! (Shotgun! ' He)', no way! Hey, I ride shotgun! So, since we are bowling tonight, promise me you won't behave like an obnoxious jerk.
What kind of jerk would you like me to be? You know what I mean.
You're obsessed with winning.
You're the most competitive person I know.
And when you do win, you always do that obnoxious victory dance.
"Na, na, na, na, I won, I won, I won.
" Oh, you frighten me sometimes, honey.
You're just doing that because you always lose.
Always lose? We only play once a year.
And you always lose.
You can't help you're a lousy bowler.
You're a woman.
Nothing gets by you, huh, Tim? The point I'm trying to make is, it's not fair for women to compete with men.
Heck, men - we're stronger, we throw the ball harder.
Uh we're stronger, so we throw the ball harder.
Well put, Tim.
Now, you're not gonna behave like a jerk tonight because we're not going to compete.
We're not gonna keep score.
- How do we know who wins? - We don't care about winning.
We only care about having fun.
All right, we'll have fun.
You'll have fun.
We won't keep score.
We won't compete.
- All right.
- Race you to the car.
- No.
- Come on, come on.
In three.
One - This is stupid.
I'm not doing it.
- One, two Besides, your shoelace is untied.
Three! Ha-ha-ha-ha! OK, this is all you're gonna get.
Don't come begging for more quarters.
Thanks, Mom.
Tim, what is this? I thought you said we weren't gonna keep score.
I'm putting our names down so we'll know whose turn it is.
There's only two of us playing.
After my turn, whose turn is it? I don't know.
Let me check the sheet.
Well, look at that.
It's my turn.
Just shut up and bowl.
OK.
Mark, you're gonna be seeing raw power in motion.
Raw power in the form of precision, fluid movements with a bowling pin-type radar that will destroy everything in its path.
Gutter ball.
I had a little muscle cramp or something.
You always got to warm up before you bowl that first one.
Well, now, I show no mercy at all.
See that one pin still shaking over there? You know why that's shakin'? 'Cause that pin knows what's coming.
That pin's going, "Please, please, master bowler, don't hit me!" You're dead, pin.
You're dead! You and your nine scrawny friends, too.
Yes Yay, Daddy! You did it! You knocked down that one pin! Yeah, and you left his nine scrawny friends.
Jill, would you walk down in the alley and dress up like a bowling pin for me? Well, that is the one place I wouldn't get hit by a bowling ball.
Look at this guy.
He has 120,000 points.
Randy, what's your best? A million five, but tonight I'm gonna beat it, and it's gonna say my initials, "R.
T.
," right on the top of the screen.
Hey! Hey! - What? - That's my machine.
Oh, yeah? Is your name Zaxxon? I just put a quarter in it.
You can play the next game.
What if I want to play this one? Well, well, well, looks like I got a free game.
- Hey, that's my quarter.
- Duh, really? Hey, duh, you better let my brother play the game.
Oh, you really got me worried.
It always scares me when I can see the top of somebody's head.
- Brad, come on.
- We don't have to take this.
- Yes, we do.
- Oh, my God.
Hey, duh.
If it wasn't for my brother, you'd be dead meat.
I hope the ball gets to the pins before the lanes close, hon.
Please, please.
Yes, yes! You knocked them all down! Yes, honey.
That's called a strike.
You didn't knock them down.
They dropped dead from boredom.
Hey, it doesn't matter how they get down, as long as they get down.
Wait a minute.
What's this, "We're not gonna compete.
We're just here for fun"? What's this all about? Well, I'm not keeping score here.
I'm just writing down that I got a strike.
If you like, I can write down that you got a "one.
" The only reason you got a strike is 'cause we're not competing.
Oh.
So, if we were competing, then you'd be throwing the strikes and I'd be throwing the gutter balls? Yes, because women collapse under pressure.
Oh, really? Well, that last ball was a practice ball.
This one counts.
We're keeping score.
- I thought you didn't want to keep score.
- Oh! Is the great, big, bad bowling man afraid his itty-bitty wife is gonna beat him? Is the itty-bitty wife afraid the great, big bowling man is gonna leave her in the parking lot? OK, we're having some fun now.
- Ah-choo! - Gesundheit.
Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please Yes! Two strikes in a row! Yes! Ha! I sucked you in now.
It's time for the real bowling to start now.
Go, Daddy! Hit another pin! Hey, Timmy! Hey, hey! Oh! Hey, sorry, pal.
Didn't mean to throw you.
- Hey, Rock! Hey, Dwayne, Pete.
- How you doin'? You remember these guys from the cooking show on Tool Time? - This is my wife, Jill.
- Pleased to meet you.
- My youngest boy, Mark, and my ball.
- Hey, hey, Roger! We're gonna be bowling next to a superstar.
You recognize that guy? Yeah, sure do.
How you doing? It's Tim "the Tool Man" Taylor.
He works with AI.
You know, I love AI.
Oh, Al's great! - Hey, we all love AI.
- Yeah.
Hey, we're gonna be practicing right here next to ya.
We got a league game tonight! Boy, Pete, it sure is gonna be intimidating bowling next to a celebrity like Tim Taylor.
- Oh, You got that right.
- Hey, Tim, I bet you got a real high average, huh? I don't like to brag, you know, but I've knocked a few pins down in my day.
I know of one tonight.
Come on, guys, we got a game soon.
Let's get ready.
Yeah, you folks go right ahead.
Just pretend we're not even here.
- Good to see you, guys.
- Yeah, you, too, Timmy.
- Guys! - Sorry.
Hey, you knocked down all their pins! - Come on guys, that's a joke! - Oh, that's a great joke! Hey! Hey, anybody can knock down the pins in their own lane.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, man, awesome! You're gonna beat the record.
Shh.
You're breaking my concentration.
- He's gonna break whose record? - The guy in first place, C.
P.
- Hey, hey, those are my initials.
- Bummer.
- I don't have to play.
- No, play.
He's gonna beat your record.
- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
- No, I'm not.
- No, he's not! You see, this machine breaks down all the time.
See? Broken.
You didn't have to pull the plug.
So I did.
What are you gonna do about it? - Hey, don't shove my brother.
- What, you mean like this? Look, you win, 'cause you're bigger you're stronger I just wanna say one thing.
What? - Ow! - Come on, come on.
Let him go! No.
First say that I'm the king of Zaxxon.
Don't do anything he says, Randy! - If I say it, will you let him go? - Maybe.
OK, you're the king of Zaxxon.
Now, let him go.
No.
First, I want you to tell me that I'm the best-looking guy in the bowling alley.
Oh, gag me! Ow! OK, you're the best-looking guy here.
Hey, thanks for the compliment.
And don't touch my machine again.
- That guy was a dipwad.
- No kidding, but why'd you give in? I was just getting ready to make my move.
Yeah, to the hospital.
How could you say he was the king of Zaxxon? You're ten times better than him.
Forget about that.
We've got to get even with this guy.
- I could jump him from behind.
- And he'll wedge you into the floor.
You got a better idea? - Yeah, I do.
Come on, follow me.
- OK.
Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please Yeah! Hey, Mrs.
Taylor, four strikes in a row! Ooh! Uh, I don't mean to criticize you there, Timmy, but you didn't carry over her last strike.
See, that would make that a 134, not a 124.
Good eye, Rock.
- Mark, Mark, come on.
- Hey, hey, hey, where are you going? - Um, Mark's coming with us.
- Yeah.
- Well, OK, but you keep an eye on him.
- Yeah.
Tim, you're really taking this well.
I mean, if my wife were beating the pants off me, I'd be looking for a place to hide.
Actually, Rock, I'm trying to go easy on my wife.
She's had a bad week.
Her mom was convicted of grand theft auto.
Hmm.
You're a good man, Tim.
Excuse me, ma'am, but you are an extraordinary bowler.
Oh, well, thank you, but I don't think I'm very extraordinary.
It's just that, um, my approach to the game is somewhat different than Tim's.
And better.
Uh, me and Pete, we was wondering, what is your secret? No, it sounds too stupid.
- Oh, come on, honey, tell them.
- Yeah.
Well, OK, I will.
I know it sounds silly, but when I approach the line, I always do this: “Ashes, ashes, "we all fall down.
" That's it? I know it sound ridiculous, but it relaxes me.
You should try it.
See, just start on your left foot, then go, “Ashes, ashes, "we all fall down.
" And then, after I release the ball, I always do this: Please, please, please, please, please.
Please, please, please, please, please, please - Pete! - Yeah? You're embarrassing yourself.
I am not, and you're always criticizing.
This is neither the time nor the place.
Fine.
Mrs.
Taylor, I'm terribly sorry to hear about your mother.
- What about my mother? - Rock, ix-nay on-thay eft-thay car-thay, please-ay.
Enough said, Timmy.
What are you talking about? - Rock and I were having a little fun.
- Oh, yeah? Yeah? You want to have a little fun? Why don't we make a bet? A bet? How about in the form of public humiliation? We let people watch you bowl? No.
I was thinking maybe the loser has to kiss the winner's - What? - Bowling shoes.
Ah - Right here, in front of everybody.
- Oh, yeah! All right, you're on.
- He's coming, he's coming.
- OK.
Mark, hide over there.
- Brad, you know what to do.
- I'm ready.
Hey, I thought I told you boys not to touch my machine.
I've got news.
My brother's gonna get high score.
I don't think so.
Get out of my way, maggot.
- Now! - What do you think you're Get these cuff off me! I'll break both of your faces.
You just come here.
Come here.
I don't think so.
Mark, ammo! You guys are dead meat.
Dead Hey! Hey! - Hey, stop it! - Brad, I think you missed a spot.
Strike! Great comeback! Now you're only down by nine pins.
This is the last frame.
Just do it, all right? Don't wanna make you nervous, Tim, but this is the clutch shot.
Kiss 'em all and you win, buddy.
Yes yes So, wait.
What are you saying? You're saying, that, like unless he gets down every single pin which is very hard to do under all this pressure - I win? I think that's exactly what he's saying, Jill.
"Ashes, ashes, all fall down.
" Hey! Ten pins down, all fall down.
Ten pins down, I get the crown.
I win, I win, I win, I win, I win, I win! I win, I win, I win, I win, I win! Now, wait a minute, Tim.
I may be wrong, but doesn't that buzzer mean that's some kind of foul? That means the game's over or something.
No, that's a foul.
- That's only in tournament play.
- Your strike doesn't count.
- You mean I won? - No, it doesn't mean you won.
- It does.
She took you fair and square.
- Come on, guys, let's bowl.
I believed in you, Tim Taylor.
This is indeed a dark day.
- I think AI could've taken her.
- Absolutely.
I didn't beat you by that much.
- Are you upset, Tim? - No.
I had a lot of fun, Jill.
Well, that's good.
That's good, 'cause there's one thing that you could do - that would really make me really happy.
- What? Well, you could take this old score sheet and you could just have it laminated! I won, I won, I won.
Na-na, na-na, na-na I beat you, I beat you, I beat you! You don't have to kiss 'em.
You can just nuzzle them next to your cheek and whisper, "You're the best, Jill.
You're the best.
" You're the best, Jill.
You're the best.
This is the most perfect night of my life.
Nothing could ruin it.
Excuse me, excuse me.
Are these your boys? - What did they do? - They handcuffed a kid to a video game and they covered him with Silly String.
- Oh, those aren't my boys.
- I've never seen them before in my life.
MOM! Mom, you don't understand.
He had Brad in a headlock.
- Yeah, he was messing up my hair.
- I don't care.
You should've come to us first.
Dad, you always said we should stand up for ourselves.
That's a good idea normally, but this time, you got a big problem.
That guy is free now, pretty angry, and still a lot bigger than you guys.
He's gonna destroy you guys.
This will be great! This is a darn good way of getting back at people that humiliate you in public.
- Don't even think about it, Tim.
- Ohh, nice draw.
- You thought I was gonna spray you.
- Yes, I did.
Now, put it down.
- You put that down first.
- OK, we'll put it down together.
- On the count of three.
- Your shoe's untied.
I know.
Aah!