How I Met Your Mother s01e13 Episode Script

OLDER TED: Kids, in life there are a lot of big romantic moments, and they make life worth living.
But here's the problem.
Moments pass.
And lurking just around the corner from those moments is a cruel, unshaven bastard named reality.
And so, back in 2006, on the night of Claudia and Stuart's wedding, reality was the enemy.
Wow, the Peace Corps? Yeah, I ship out tomorrow.
Two years.
You know, some people say the Peace Corps is the most noble thing a person can do.
To those people I say, 'Is it?' And usually, they say, 'Yes, it is.
' But, Barney, they are so right.
Wish there was something I could do.
Oh, Tanya, I'm so glad you said that.
This wasn't how I'd thought the night would turn out.
This was finally supposed to be my big moment with Robin, but then reality came along.
Robin got called up last minute to anchor the 11:00 news.
It was her big break.
And I went to the wedding stag.
Then, when I least expected it Hey, where the hell did you disappear to last night? I had the most amazing night ever.
Tell me about it.
That cake! Best cake I ever had.
Seriously.
My stomach was like, 'Hey, bro, I don't know what you're eating, 'cause I don't have any eyes, 'but it's basically awesome.
So keep sending it down gullet alley.
' Yeah, I know.
My stomach was like, 'Girlfriend, we don't always get along, but that cake' TED: Lily? Oh, right.
Most amazing night ever, and go.
You know, I should tell you, I have a rule.
I never hook up at weddings.
I'm guessing you haven't always had this rule.
Well, here's the thing.
Those big, romantic moments, they're great when they happen, but they're not real.
Exactly.
Exactly.
Like just now, when I saw you doing the Chicken Dance out there, I'm not gonna lie to you, big time thunderbolt.
You should see me tap dance.
You'd be down on bended knee.
Sadly, not out of character.
But, I know now, it's just a mirage.
- Wedding goggles.
- Exactly.
And that, in a nutshell, is why I'm not putting the moves on you.
- This isn't the moves? - What, you You think this is the moves? Believe me, you'd know the moves.
People 10 tables away would know the moves.
- That's too bad.
- Tell me about it.
You know, I think I have a solution.
Interested.
And to preface this, we're not gonna sleep together tonight.
Less interested.
- Go ahead.
- Okay.
So the thing that always screws it up is the next day.
Right? So, why don't we just cut that part out? - What are you saying? - I'm saying, I'm here, you're here.
This is a big, romantic wedding.
Why don't we just dance and have a great time? And then when it's over, never see each other again.
- Unless - No, no unless.
No emails, no phone numbers, not even names.
Tonight, we will make a memory that will never be tarnished.
And then, when we're old and gray, we'll look back on this night, and it'll be perfect.
Wow.
- Okay, I'm in.
- Okay.
I guess What, we'll need fake names? You can call me Buttercup.
Pleased to meet you, Buttercup.
I'm Lando Calrissian.
Wow, this is kind of exciting.
Our names will forever be shrouded in Ted, Ted, Ted, look.
I got a bridesmaid.
Ted, look.
Look, Ted.
The second hottest bridesmaid! Ted, look.
See you, Ted.
So, I'm Ted.
Victoria.
- But no last names.
- No last names.
What is wrong with you? Yeah, dude, that is just like a weenie ass idea.
No, it was awesome.
I had a great night.
I'm never going to see her again.
And there's no way to ruin it.
Ted, how do I explain this to you? Last night I ate the best cake of my life.
Now you think I'm gonna let that cake out of my life? Hell, no.
I'm gonna find out what bakery made that cake, and damn it, I'm gonna get some more cake.
That cake really got to you, huh? It haunts me.
So, what happened next? Okay, ground rules have been established.
Now, let's see some of these moves I've heard so much about.
Wait, wait, wait.
Let's do all the single ladies in this joint a big favor and steal the bouquet.
Yes, but we'll need a diversion.
Kiss! ALL: Kiss! Kiss! (ALL CHEERING) Kiss, come on.
Kiss! Kiss! Go, go, go.
So, that's what happened to the bouquet.
You know, good for Victoria.
It's such an evil tradition.
- You're not gonna do it at your wedding? - Oh, yeah! I'm gonna take that flower grenade and chuck it into the crowd and scream, 'Crawl for it, bitches!' It's just what girls do.
So, where'd you guys go? (TED PLAYING THE ENTERTAINER ON THE PIANO) - Very nice.
- Yeah? Okay, I don't really know how to tap dance.
I couldn't tell.
Oh, it's too bad you're not gonna get some tonight! Oh, if I wanted some, I could get some.
No, you couldn't.
You're a dude.
- I could get some.
- You could totally get some.
We're not gonna kiss tonight.
(BANGS PIANO KEYS) I mean, if we kiss, all of this becomes real.
You might use too much tongue, I might not use enough.
And then suddenly, poof, spell's broken.
I will use exactly the right amount of tongue.
Okay, how about this? The best part of any first kiss is the lead up to it.
The moment right before the lips touch.
It's like a big drum roll.
So, how about tonight we just stick with the drum roll.
- Okay.
- But we can't kiss.
Okay.
A drum roll? That's it? So, what? You just You said good night, came home, and performed a drum solo? Oh, Ted, you're such a doof! I mean, this girl sounds amazing.
She was completely amazing.
She was amazing and funny and we connected on every level, and I'm never gonna see her again.
Damn it, I have to see her again.
- Yes! - Yes! So let's get to work, man.
What else do you know about her? Nothing, her name's Victoria.
That's all I got.
Wait, Claudia.
Claudia would know.
Well, Claudia's on her honeymoon.
She'll be back in two weeks.
- Call her then.
- Yes, two weeks.
Good idea.
- I'm calling her now.
- No, Ted.
- You don't mess with a honeymoon.
- Yeah, come on, dude.
Ask her about the cake.
(CELL PHONE RINGING) - Ted? - Hey, Claudia! Great wedding, beautiful toast, touching stuff.
How's the honeymoon? Listen, I'm calling because last night I met this girl, and I was wondering if you had Oh, you have got to be freaking kidding me! Here we go.
Twenty-four hours ago, you were begging, begging me to bring some other girl to my wedding and now, what, you're over her? I've moved on.
What was her name? Is it my fat cousin Lindsey? Don't be embarrassed.
She has pretty eyes.
No.
Her name was Victoria.
I don't know her last name.
Well, lucky for you.
I know that guest list backwards and forwards.
Thank God! Unlucky for you, there was no Victoria at my wedding.
Goodbye, Ted.
There was no Victoria at the wedding.
Maybe she used a second fake name.
Oh, she's good.
She's very good.
Maybe she was a ghost.
That's why she didn't want to kiss you.
Because you'd just pass right through her and feel really cold for a second.
Oh, my God, I just had a great idea for a screenplay.
Marshall, she was not a ghost.
I know that she wasn't a ghost.
She picked up a bouquet proving she had corporeal form.
Wait! She was sitting across from a couple of bridesmaids.
She must have been at their table.
Maybe they know who she was.
Great! So, how do we get in touch with the bridesmaids? This better be good.
I'm about to enter Nirvana.
By the way, I should get you Nirvana's phone number.
She gives a great massage.
Say what? Barney! I know the house rules.
(SPEAKING SPANISH) Listen, Barney.
I saw you taIking to that bridesmaid last night.
- Did you happen to get her phone number? - You know I did.
Great! I'm gonna need you to call her for me.
You know I won't.
Why not? Because, we just hooked up last night.
I can't call the girl the next day.
I have to wait at least, like, forever.
Oh, snap! Never gonna call her.
Besides, she thinks I'm on my way to India.
Oh, come on, Barney.
It's for a good cause.
Ted going all castrati over yet another girl is exactly not a good cause.
Sorry, buddy, I wish I could help you.
My hands are tied.
Oh, no, wait, that was last night.
(MIMICS WHIP CRACKING) Okay, Barney, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
You make this call and I will go with you to Foxy Boxing.
- Really? - Yeah.
But, you always said the Foxy Boxing girls were neither foxy, - nor good at boxing.
- I'm ready to be proven wrong.
- Tonight? - Tonight! Dial.
Yeah, Tanya.
Turns out I don't leave for the Peace Corps until tomorrow.
Yeah, I know.
It sucks.
Just one fewer day I get to help people.
Anyway, this girl, any idea who she was? Hold on.
What kind of shoes was she No, Tanya, he's a dude.
He's not gonna know what kind of shoes she was wearing.
Actually Oh, come on! Hey! So, what do you want to do next? Don't think! First thing that comes into your mind.
Hold this.
And this.
There she goes.
Apparently, she was wearing brown shoes with little snowflakes on them.
Yeah, they do sound cute.
Any idea who Okay.
Well, thanks anyway.
Yeah, you take care.
What's Tonight? Well, I'm shipping out pretty early.
So, I won't be able to stay over, but, yeah, sure, I'd love to.
Okay.
I'll taIk to you later.
Sorry, Ted, I won't be able to make Foxy Boxing tonight.
I understand.
Okay.
Let's not lose hope.
We'll call the hotel.
Maybe she was staying there.
We'll have them check the registry for anyone named Victoria.
- Or maybe she goes by Vicky or Tori - Or Ictor.
She probably doesn't go by Ictor.
No, you know what? This is fate.
I am never supposed to see this girl again.
That was the whole point of the night.
I've just been saved from myself.
- Let's drink many beers.
- Agreed.
And I thought that was the end of it.
But then (KNOCKING ON DOOR) - Hey, there's the anchor lady.
- Hello.
- How was it? - Oh, I don't know.
Why don't you ask the new substitute weekend anchor? Robin? Thanks, Robin.
It was awesome.
- Back to you, Robin.
- Congrats! - Thanks.
- That's so cool.
Yeah, I felt really bad bailing on Ted though.
Oh, don't even worry about it.
In fact And then Lily told her the whole story, right down to the brown shoes with the little snowflakes on them.
And by the end of it What? I know who she is.
You know who she is? But you weren't even at the wedding.
Actually I kind of was.
What? Well, after the newscast I was so excited, I decided to surprise Ted by going to the reception.
Oh, damn it.
Oh, stop it.
What the hell? VICTORIA: Hello? You okay in there? Yeah, I'm fine! Just allergies or something.
I'm fine.
Listen, do you wanna come and cry out here? I've been told I'm an excellent hugger.
Oh, thanks.
But I don't actually cry in front of people or cry at all for that matter.
Man, it's gross.
Does everyone snot up this much when they cry? Hey, you're speaking to a fellow snotter.
So, why you crying? Because you have feelings for Ted.
I don't know.
Maybe? Okay, what is wrong with the two of you? Seriously! He likes you, and you like him, and just be together! Jeez, Louise, happiness is not that difficult.
Oh, look, okay.
Yes, I cried in the bathroom and that was weird.
But that doesn't mean I'm in love with the guy.
The fact is, I don't know how I feel.
Yes, you do.
Seeing him with someone else and crying about it? Guess what? That's how you feel! That is nothing but how you feel.
Okay, fine, I have feelings for him.
Happy? Kind of, yeah.
But it doesn't change anything.
I still don't wanna get married, and he's still Ted.
What I should do is just tell him who Victoria is, so he can be happy.
Or you could tell him that you're into him and then you could both be happy.
I'm gonna go find him.
Well, wait.
Which one are you gonna tell him? I have no idea.
And here's the most amazing part.
Because I told her I had converted all my money to India dollars, she gave me $50 to take a cab to the airport.
That's right.
I just got paid for sex.
I really should give this money to the Peace Corps.
They've done so much for me lately.
- Hi, guys.
- Hey.
Ted, can I taIk to you outside for a second? Sure, what's up? (CELL PHONE RINGING) I have to tell you something.
Oh, just get it.
- Hello? - Ted? It's Stuart.
My lovely bride would like to say something to you.
Ted.
I'm sorry I hung up on you earlier.
My new husband and vodka cranberry, which cost $10.
50 at the freaking airport bar - When is this plane going to board? - Sweet pea.
(CLEARING THROAT) have helped me realize that sometimes I can act like a crazy person.
And I don't want my new husband to think I'm a crazy person.
It's fine, Claudia, don't worry about it.
Marshall wanted to know where you guys got that cake.
Cake? Why don't you take this? Sounds like you could use it.
Thanks.
You're very sweet.
So, are you a friend of the bride or groom? We got it at this little bakery downtown.
Actually, neither.
It's called the Buttercup Bakery.
Pleased to meet you, Buttercup.
I made the cake.
She made the cake.
Buttercup Bakery! She wasn't on the guest list, because she wasn't a guest.
She made the cake! She made that cake.
Ted, this is the girl.
You gotta marry her.
Today.
She has to move in with us.
- I'm going down to that bakery.
- No, no, don't do it.
Baby, what are you taIking about? Yeah, all day long you've been busting my apple bag about finding this girl.
Well, I just think that maybe she's not that into you.
And that's why she didn't give you her number.
Robin, care to chime in with anything? Yes.
Ted, go get her.
Going.
Getting! Ted.
Oh, my gosh, I love this moment.
You know why? 'Cause I'm gonna say it.
And this time, you're actually gonna say yes.
You ready? You ready to say yes? Ted, suit up! Yes! - No.
- Oh, come on! - Guess we were gone a while.
- Oh, that's too bad.
I was looking forward to one last dance.
(MUSIC PLAYING ON CD PLAYER) Why, yes, I am.
Sorry, I could tell what you were just thinking.
Wow, what was I just thinking? Damn, he's looking mighty fine in that tux.
- You got me.
You are good.
- Yeah.
You know, I don't look like this every day.
On a real weekend, the real Ted wears a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt with bleach stains on it.
The real Ted sounds real sexy.
It's too bad I'll never get to see it.
Buttercup Bakery.
This is it.
Good luck, dude.
Grab me a cupcake.
Ted? You still with us? Tell me your last name.
You know, there's one little flaw in our plan.
What's that? I'm gonna go home tonight with a lot of great memories, and one really sucky memory.
The memory of you waIking out that door.
Hey, Ted.
Yeah? Close your eyes and count to five.
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
TED: Until our dying days, we'll remember everything about that night as perfect.
Maybe we both need that.
I mean, so many things go wrong in life, but this is the one thing that never will.
It will always, always be pure, unadulterated, awesome.
If I waIk in there, I'm robbing both of us of what could be The meter's running, dude.
Crap or get off the pot.
Yeah, yeah, I'm going.
Oh, thank God!