Modern Family s01e13 Episode Script
Fifteen Percent
Can people change? Well, that's a- That is a tough one, but I would say yes.
People can change.
That's what I believe anyway, and I will till the day I die.
You do realize you're proving the exact opposite of your point? See? She's changed.
She used to be very supportive of me.
[Beep.]
[Claire.]
Come on.
[Beeps.]
- [TV, Loud.]
- Aah! Phil! - Ow! Ow! Why is it so loud? - My ears are bleeding! Why is it so loud? I don't know! Make it stop! I just installed a sweet home theater system in the family room.
The, um- The trouble is Claire struggles with technology of any kind.
I mean, remotes, cell phones, computers.
Haley, have you seen my blue- [Exhales.]
[On Monitor.]
Hey, Mrs.
Dunphy.
Oh, hey, Dylan.
You know I can see you, right? No, I did not know that.
Haley's just in the bathroom.
She'll be back in just a minute.
Thank you.
Where were you pointing it? At the TV.
[Laughs.]
This- Honey- Uh, no.
I'm sorry.
It's-It's a home theater.
What, so I can't point it at the TV when I want to watch the TV? No.
You point it at the receiver.
What's a receiver? Okay, imagine our home theater system is a human body.
So then the receiver is the brain.
Mm-hmm.
The TV is the face.
I know what part you are.
[Jay.]
So he says to his wife, "You don't love me anymore?" His heart- boom! Quadruple bypass.
[Others Laughing.]
Blown a valve.
Hey! Look who it is.
- Hey.
There he is.
- What a coinkydink.
I was just getting some flowers for Gloria for babysitting Lily.
You want me to take 'em to her? I would, but I have the most hilarious card for her at home.
It's- It's a hunky Antonio Banderas type in silk boxers.
And on the inside, it says, "Thank you for last noche, but I can't find my pantalones.
" [Laughing.]
I'm not doing it justice, really.
Hi.
I'm Cameron.
Oh, geez.
I'm sorry.
Guys, this is Cameron.
- He's a friend of my son's.
- [Man.]
Hey.
This is, uh, Scotty, Dale, Hugo and Shorty.
It's nice to meet you guys.
You guys look like a scene out of Jersey Boys.
[Chuckles.]
- áAy! So handsome! - Thank you.
Manny, are you wearing aftershave? Yes, for my date.
This will be the first time she will ever smell me.
Her name is Whitney.
I met her in an online book club.
We both like vampire fiction and the romance of eternal life.
I think it's adorable that Manny has a date.
He even picked out the lunch menu- grilled-cheese sandwich and tomato soup.
Tomato soup because, you know, the tomato soup is like the blood.
And the vampires like to eat the blood.
[Chuckles.]
And then he wants me to take them out for ice cream, well, because Manny likes ice cream.
- [Doorbell Rings.]
- Oh, that must be her.
If this goes well, you don't need to stick around.
Vamos.
Hi.
I'm Whitney.
I'm here for Manny.
[Man.]
Hey, hey Hey, hey Hey, hey Hey, hey Hey [Beeps.]
See how that works? Sorry, sweetie.
Sorry, Daddy.
No, it's all right.
We were just- Me and Lily were just using the time to figure out how to use the car's voice-command thingy.
Oh.
Here.
Check it out.
Watch.
[Beeps.]
CD player.
Next track.
[Female Voice.]
Say a command.
No.
[Beeps.]
[Sighs.]
CD player.
Next track.
Air conditioner on.
[Air Blowing.]
Damn it.
You're worse than your sister with this kind of stuff.
It's a good thing Lily doesn't have an ejector seat.
Oh, guess what.
I ran into your dad and some of his friends.
Oh, really? Yeah.
And get this.
He, uh- He referred to me as "a friend of my son.
" Seriously? Yeah.
That's a little disrespectful to you.
I wasn't offended by it.
Well- [Exhales.]
I am.
I mean, would he refer to Phil as "a friend of Claire's"? No.
I've heard him call Phil a lot worse.
Just let it pass.
I should have never said anything.
I'm not letting it pass.
He needs to know that's not okay.
And if he doesn't like it, he knows where he can go.
Enter destination.
Hell! Mexican food.
Shut up! I came out of the closet in my mid-20s.
I had to actually come out to my dad three times before he finally acknowledged it.
I'm not sure if maybe he was hoping he heard it wrong, like I had said, "Dad, I'm gray.
" [Clicks Tongue.]
And my parents, they always just knew.
My mother says labor with me took 36 hours because I came out of the womb like this- "Hello!" [Jay.]
I gotta lay off these cannolis.
Hey, Dad.
Mitchell.
Hey, you guys know my son, Mitch.
Hey, Mitch, how they hangin'? Hey, Mitch.
Hey, hey, hey.
That's a great coat.
Where'd you get that? I don't know.
It was a gift.
Really? What is it- suede, microsuede? Um- Some kind of lambskin? It's very soft, you know.
Thank you.
Huh.
- Uh, can I talk to you for a second? - Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Thanks.
Good seeing you.
Be right back.
What's the matter? Um, "a friend of my son"? That's how you introduce Cam? That's why you came here? Dad, it's just more than a little insulting.
Cam and I have been together for five years.
We- We have a daughter.
Look at these guys.
They look like they came out of the 1800s.
You see Hugo over there? After lunch, he ordered a Sanka.
No, they're not the ones that are uncomfortable with this.
You are.
You've never been completely accepting of me.
And now that I have a family, it's getting a little old.
These guys don't understand the gay thing.
Why create an awkward situation? That's all I'm saying.
That's weird, because your friend Shorty there- gay as they come.
You gotta be kiddin'.
Mm-mmm.
No.
My gaydar is never wrong, and it is pinging like we're at a bathhouse.
What are you talking about- gay? The guy used to be married.
Okay, that makes- So did Elton John, Merv Griffin, Cole Porter.
You know what? Listen.
You couldn't be more wrong about this.
No, Dad.
You could not be more wrong- about a lot of things.
- Good seeing you guys.
- [Hugo.]
You take care, man.
That's a great coat.
[Dale.]
Yeah, later.
Ping! [Line Ringing.]
[Remote Beeps.]
Phil Dunphy.
Hey, it's me.
Hey.
Listen, I've got a bunch of moms over here who wanna watch the talent show DVD, and I can't get the sound to work.
Is there a picture? Yes.
Be honest.
Did you do that thing where you get frustrated and you start pressing all the buttons? No.
I have a theory that Phil installs overly complicated things in the house just so he has an excuse to talk to me like a child.
Last month, it was the thermostat.
The snowflake button makes it cold, cold, cold "Set temperature" makes it hold, hold, hold The little flame makes it hot- [Crying.]
This is so humiliating.
I am sorry.
It's okay.
He just seemed so mature online.
How could I be so stupid? [Manny.]
You're not stupid.
"Stupid" is not following your heart and taking a chance on love.
I mean, what kind of 11 -year-old talks like that? [Crying.]
Manny's an old soul.
Here.
Use my handkerchief.
You see what I mean? I'll just be alone for the rest of my life.
And that's okay.
No, don't say that.
In my country, there's a saying that means "Love is just around the corner.
" I come from a neighborhood with a lot of prostitutes.
Maybe for you.
I mean, men must throw themselves at you every day.
They'II do the same for you if you just- Just what? Put out? No.
Just- Like, the lipstick, the hair, push-up bra.
You know.
[Sniffles.]
What's it matter? I'm never gonna be as pretty as you.
Ay, believe me, this takes a lot of work.
You just need to find your inner beauty.
It's hiding beneath a mask of insecurity.
Okay, he's starting to freak me out.
Manny, go play.
Mitchell, how do these look to you? Like they're dying.
I know.
Right? I said something to the florist.
He said, "Don't worry about it.
They're gonna come back.
" They're not coming back.
They've crossed to the other side.
You are a funny man.
Why? You're completely bothered by the flowers.
But when my father introduces you as "a friend of my son," doesn't faze you in the least.
Because the florist played me for a fool.
Your dad didn't mean any harm.
He's just being who he is.
When I was back East in law school, my dad used to call me every Saturday at 6:00 p.
m.
, before people would go out, just to, you know, check in, catch up.
And then, I think, the Christmas of my second year, I finally got up the courage to tell him.
After that, I-I pretty much just talked to my mom.
[Quietly.]
Don't cry.
I'm not crying.
I'm home! [Gloria.]
We're here.
[Door Closes.]
This is Whitney.
We're giving her a makeover.
Hi.
You have such a nice family and a really beautiful house.
- Thanks.
You two know each other how? - She's my date.
Of course she is.
I'll be in here.
[Whispers.]
I'll be right back.
I'm sorry this didn't turn out like you wanted.
That's okay.
Probably didn't turn out how you wanted it either.
I'll tell you what.
If neither of us is with anybody in 10 years, how about you and me give it a shot? That's disturbing.
But maybe.
How was your lunch with the boys? Good.
Ran into Mitchell and Cam.
Ay, nice.
You're not gonna believe this.
Mitchell says Shorty's gay.
Shorty? Yeah, I believe it.
Oh, come on! Well, he's a great dresser, a great dancer.
That doesn't prove anything.
He's the only one of your friends that never hits on me.
My friends hit on you? Yes, all the time, but don't worry.
They're a bunch of harmless old men.
They're my age.
I'm sure it's very hard on Shorty to keep a secret like that.
Jay, I think you should talk to him.
What? You're the only one with a gay son.
I'm sure he'll appreciate opening up to you.
We're guys.
We don't open up.
We talk about sports and cars, getting up in the middle of the night to pee.
I'm sure you made it very easy for Mitch to come out of the closet.
Yeah.
Okay.
I'm gonna finish my makeover.
Because I care about people.
Because I want to help them change their lives.
Jay, I'm hinting that you should call your friend, okay? Yes.
I'm getting that.
Okay, okay.
Hey, hey! Daddy in the hizzouse! [Crunches.]
Why would you do that to a brand-new, very expensive remote? Because I lost my temper, and it didn't work.
Therefore, it's useless.
Well, honey, when it comes to anything electronic, you're not exactly the best student.
I am very smart.
I had a 4.
0 in college.
How about you? I was almost that despite my substantial time commitment to cheerleading.
I thought we agreed not to bring up the cheerleading.
Cheerleading in my college was cool.
The football players were so jealous, they wouldn't even let me and my buddies- Trevor, Scotty and Ling- go to their parties.
Seriously, Claire, you owe me an apology for breaking that.
Okay.
Phil, I apologize for breaking the world's worst remote that you bought stupidly.
Excuse me, but the experts at CNET.
com rated it the best remote.
They gave it three and a half mice.
Wow.
I have an idea.
Let's invite the gang from CNET over and your old buddies from cheerleading, and we can have a nerd party.
Ling is not a nerd.
He built his own helicopter.
And if he was alive today- Sweet pea, let's not talk about Ling.
It upsets you too much.
You know what I'm gonna do? Hmm? I'm gonna buy a new remote- the same remote.
And just to prove how wrong you are, I'm gonna teach our dumbest kid how to use it in 20 minutes or less.
Who's our dumbest kid? Luke.
Luke? No, Luke understands electronics.
Haley.
No.
Yeah, Haley.
Teach Haley to use the remote, and then I'll apologize.
Haley? Mm-hmm.
Come on! Hey, Shorty, it's me.
I was thinking of heading over to the driving range and hitting a few balls.
You want to join me? That's great, Jay.
What should I wear? I don't know.
Wear- Wear whatever you want.
Oh, my God! Oh, God! What? The flowers.
They look so much better! This is a disaster.
You do know what "disaster" means, right? You don't understand.
I demanded that they come exchange them.
I got all medieval on the florist.
- [Beeping, Whirring.]
- Cam, I heard you on the phone.
You said you were displeased, but that's hardly going medieval.
Excuse me.
I said "very displeased.
" And I used my cowboy voice, so- - What are you doing? - I'm microwaving them so they look bad again.
Well, that seems a little crazy, doesn't it? [Doorbell Rings.]
Oh, no! That's the florist.
Relax.
Just take them out.
I'll get the door.
He'll never know the difference.
[Flowers Crackling.]
Hi.
[Chuckles.]
Florist.
- Yes.
Come on in.
He's over there with the flowers.
- Hello.
I don't know what happened.
They just, uh, somehow lost their vigor.
- They were like this when we came home.
- Cam.
Cam.
[Screaming.]
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh! Oh! Oh, my God! God, God! [Faucet Running.]
Look at that.
Two things flaming at once.
Damn it! You know what the problem is.
What? You're not moving your hips.
They're frozen.
Hips? Yeah, your hips.
They're frozen.
Here, let me show you.
No, it's okay.
All right, Shorty.
No, no.
Don't fight me.
Just bring the club back.
Go ahead.
All right? Now turn those hips.
That's it.
You just gotta relax.
You gotta open up the stance a little bit.
Spread 'em.
Spread 'em.
That's it.
If you don't relax, you're never gonna get that shaft where it belongs.
Hey, you know what? How about a coffee? Let's get a coffee.
Sure.
Now press the button labeled "Activities.
" Where is that? It's just to the right.
To the right.
And now choose "Watch DVD.
" What? Honey, you gotta focus.
We've only got 20 minutes.
Pretend- Pretend the mall's closing.
Dad, this is stupid.
I watch TV on my computer.
Why do I have to learn this? Because your mom doesn't think you can.
Nobody can.
Haley, listen to me.
Listen to me.
I know this seems impossible.
But this is for all those times that Mom told you she was right and you knew she was wrong.
I'll do it.
That's my girl.
You know, that guy's got a beautiful stroke.
Look at his pants- no pleats.
I like pants like that.
You think I can get away with something like that? Sure.
Why not? Listen, Shorty, uh, we know each other a long time, right? What, 30 years? Yeah.
And, um, I sense that you got a secret that's maybe causing you a lot of anguish.
You heard something, right? Well, I had the same situation with my son, Mitchell.
Really? Yeah, and I didn't handle it too well either.
And, uh, I just want you to know that you can open up to me, that I'm gonna do all I can to help you.
[Exhales.]
Well, I mean I- I never said this out loud before to anyone.
But I guess, if I did, it would be you.
[Chuckling.]
It's just that, Jay, you see, I'm, uh- I'm- Go ahead.
Yeah.
Go ahead.
I'm in debt.
Huh? I owe a bookie 20 G's, and he's a serious guy.
And you offering to give me the dough- This is beautiful.
Wait a minute.
You're not gay? Gay? What are you talkin' about- gay? I'm not gay.
Where'd you get gay? Come on.
I mean, you're always talking about clothes and everything, right? My father was a tailor.
I like clothes.
So what? Are you calling my father gay? No! My father landed on Normandy to save your ass.
You know, if you weren't lending me 20 G's, I'd knock you out right now.
Take a check? Cash would be better.
Haley.
You ready? Let's do this.
Turn on the TV.
[Announcer.]
Angela says, after he colored her hair- Nice.
It turned gray and then green.
Mute it.
[Remote Beeps.]
[Sound Off.]
Un-mute it.
[Beeps.]
Sixty-five dollars.
- Put on a DVD.
- Hairdresser Frederick Longmire denies he's responsible.
- Skip forward.
- Wait.
Um.
[Remote Beeps.]
- [Man On P.
A.
, Indistinct.]
- Okay.
Back to TV.
- [Beeps.]
better than that.
Face! Don't get all cocky, Phil.
Let's see what happens to little Haley when I do this.
Ho, ho, ho.
Ho! Face.
Dad, wh- What do I do? Don't panic.
We went through this.
Just- Just think.
Give up.
Give up.
Admit defeat.
[Calmly.]
Haley.
Okay.
Uh, let's see.
You put the remote on to TV mode and then press "Input" till you get HDMI 1 and- - [Crowd Cheering.]
- [Haley Laughing, Whooping.]
- I did it! - She did it! [Both Laughing.]
Fine.
You proved your point.
Everybody in this house is smarter than me.
No, honey, you're missing the point.
I taught Haley how to use the remote in 20 minutes.
So think how fast you can learn it.
What's that supposed to mean? See what I'm saying? [Pounding.]
[Jay.]
Mitchell, it's me! Hey, Dad.
Hi.
I'm here to let you know your gaydar is broken.
Shorty is not gay.
No.
I, uh- I knew that.
I made that up to mess with you for dissing Cam.
What? That cost me - What do you mean? - I reached out to him to let him know it's okay to be gay.
You did? Yeah.
Right after one of the stranger golf lessons of my life.
Turns out what he is is a lousy gambler, and now I'm the one on the hook for it.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Then why are you smiling? I'm- I'm proud of you, Dad.
And you're growing.
Just-Just stop it.
Please.
Don't you see how hard this is for me? See, I used to be just like one of those guys.
Now look at me.
I got a house looks like Little Colombia.
I got a gay son and a Chinese granddaughter.
- Vietnamese.
- Only you would know the difference.
Don't worry, Dad.
Not growing too much.
[Whitney.]
I'm a little nervous.
Don't be.
I'm sure you look beautiful.
[Gloria Gasps.]
[Manny.]
Whoa! What do you think? Look at you! [Laughing.]
Really? [Doorbell Rings.]
You're gonna be fighting men off with a stick.
I don't know about that.
Cameron! Hi.
Sorry for the pop over, but I just wanted to bring you these to thank you for babysitting Lily again last night.
Oh! [Both Kiss Loudly.]
áGracias! You didn't need to do that.
You know I love Lily.
I know.
Come in.
Say hello.
Hey, Cam.
Hi, Manny.
Manny, how are you? Cameron, this is my new friend, Whitney.
Whitney, this is Cameron.
Hello.
It's nice to meet you.
That is a spectacular dress.
This old thing? [Chuckles.]
What about her hair? Oh, my gosh.
It's like Barbra Streisand in The Way We Were.
One of my favorites.
Me too.
Okay, who is reading The Forevers? I am.
I am so obsessed with this whole vampire thing right now.
Me too.
I just met the sweetest guy named Cameron.
I think he might be the one.
[Mitchell.]
Can people change? I don't know.
People are who they are- give or take, yeah, 15%.
That's how much people can change if they really want to.
Well, I'll see you when I see you.
Yeah, thanks for- [Whispering.]
Haley, sweetie, wake up.
What? I need you to teach me to use the TV.
Now? Why can't Dad teach you? Because we're married.
Whether it's for themselves or for the people they love- That way.
Yeah.
And then press- Mmm! I got it.
Yeah.
Yeah, 15%.
[Remote Beeps.]
[Both Cheering.]
But you know what? I did it! Sometimes that's just enough.
I did it! All right, I'll see you guys next week, huh? [All Chattering.]
Jay.
Jay.
Listen, I wanna thank you for, you know, helping me out with that jam.
It was nothin'.
No, no, no.
And I got you a little present.
You didn't have to do that.
No, I did.
Two tickets to see the great Michael Bublé.
The guy sings like an angel.
He's gonna be outside at one of the amphitheaters.
Gloria's gonna love it.
No.
I'm talkin' about you and me.
Oh, you and me.
Yeah.
Well, that's a little- I thought maybe we could have a little picnic since it's outside.
You know? I'll get some nice bottle of wine, a little cheese.
Lay on a nice blanket.
All right? Yeah, fine.
Yo, hey.
I like your hair.
Who does your hair? Huh? Yo, handsome.
Who does your hair?
People can change.
That's what I believe anyway, and I will till the day I die.
You do realize you're proving the exact opposite of your point? See? She's changed.
She used to be very supportive of me.
[Beep.]
[Claire.]
Come on.
[Beeps.]
- [TV, Loud.]
- Aah! Phil! - Ow! Ow! Why is it so loud? - My ears are bleeding! Why is it so loud? I don't know! Make it stop! I just installed a sweet home theater system in the family room.
The, um- The trouble is Claire struggles with technology of any kind.
I mean, remotes, cell phones, computers.
Haley, have you seen my blue- [Exhales.]
[On Monitor.]
Hey, Mrs.
Dunphy.
Oh, hey, Dylan.
You know I can see you, right? No, I did not know that.
Haley's just in the bathroom.
She'll be back in just a minute.
Thank you.
Where were you pointing it? At the TV.
[Laughs.]
This- Honey- Uh, no.
I'm sorry.
It's-It's a home theater.
What, so I can't point it at the TV when I want to watch the TV? No.
You point it at the receiver.
What's a receiver? Okay, imagine our home theater system is a human body.
So then the receiver is the brain.
Mm-hmm.
The TV is the face.
I know what part you are.
[Jay.]
So he says to his wife, "You don't love me anymore?" His heart- boom! Quadruple bypass.
[Others Laughing.]
Blown a valve.
Hey! Look who it is.
- Hey.
There he is.
- What a coinkydink.
I was just getting some flowers for Gloria for babysitting Lily.
You want me to take 'em to her? I would, but I have the most hilarious card for her at home.
It's- It's a hunky Antonio Banderas type in silk boxers.
And on the inside, it says, "Thank you for last noche, but I can't find my pantalones.
" [Laughing.]
I'm not doing it justice, really.
Hi.
I'm Cameron.
Oh, geez.
I'm sorry.
Guys, this is Cameron.
- He's a friend of my son's.
- [Man.]
Hey.
This is, uh, Scotty, Dale, Hugo and Shorty.
It's nice to meet you guys.
You guys look like a scene out of Jersey Boys.
[Chuckles.]
- áAy! So handsome! - Thank you.
Manny, are you wearing aftershave? Yes, for my date.
This will be the first time she will ever smell me.
Her name is Whitney.
I met her in an online book club.
We both like vampire fiction and the romance of eternal life.
I think it's adorable that Manny has a date.
He even picked out the lunch menu- grilled-cheese sandwich and tomato soup.
Tomato soup because, you know, the tomato soup is like the blood.
And the vampires like to eat the blood.
[Chuckles.]
And then he wants me to take them out for ice cream, well, because Manny likes ice cream.
- [Doorbell Rings.]
- Oh, that must be her.
If this goes well, you don't need to stick around.
Vamos.
Hi.
I'm Whitney.
I'm here for Manny.
[Man.]
Hey, hey Hey, hey Hey, hey Hey, hey Hey [Beeps.]
See how that works? Sorry, sweetie.
Sorry, Daddy.
No, it's all right.
We were just- Me and Lily were just using the time to figure out how to use the car's voice-command thingy.
Oh.
Here.
Check it out.
Watch.
[Beeps.]
CD player.
Next track.
[Female Voice.]
Say a command.
No.
[Beeps.]
[Sighs.]
CD player.
Next track.
Air conditioner on.
[Air Blowing.]
Damn it.
You're worse than your sister with this kind of stuff.
It's a good thing Lily doesn't have an ejector seat.
Oh, guess what.
I ran into your dad and some of his friends.
Oh, really? Yeah.
And get this.
He, uh- He referred to me as "a friend of my son.
" Seriously? Yeah.
That's a little disrespectful to you.
I wasn't offended by it.
Well- [Exhales.]
I am.
I mean, would he refer to Phil as "a friend of Claire's"? No.
I've heard him call Phil a lot worse.
Just let it pass.
I should have never said anything.
I'm not letting it pass.
He needs to know that's not okay.
And if he doesn't like it, he knows where he can go.
Enter destination.
Hell! Mexican food.
Shut up! I came out of the closet in my mid-20s.
I had to actually come out to my dad three times before he finally acknowledged it.
I'm not sure if maybe he was hoping he heard it wrong, like I had said, "Dad, I'm gray.
" [Clicks Tongue.]
And my parents, they always just knew.
My mother says labor with me took 36 hours because I came out of the womb like this- "Hello!" [Jay.]
I gotta lay off these cannolis.
Hey, Dad.
Mitchell.
Hey, you guys know my son, Mitch.
Hey, Mitch, how they hangin'? Hey, Mitch.
Hey, hey, hey.
That's a great coat.
Where'd you get that? I don't know.
It was a gift.
Really? What is it- suede, microsuede? Um- Some kind of lambskin? It's very soft, you know.
Thank you.
Huh.
- Uh, can I talk to you for a second? - Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Thanks.
Good seeing you.
Be right back.
What's the matter? Um, "a friend of my son"? That's how you introduce Cam? That's why you came here? Dad, it's just more than a little insulting.
Cam and I have been together for five years.
We- We have a daughter.
Look at these guys.
They look like they came out of the 1800s.
You see Hugo over there? After lunch, he ordered a Sanka.
No, they're not the ones that are uncomfortable with this.
You are.
You've never been completely accepting of me.
And now that I have a family, it's getting a little old.
These guys don't understand the gay thing.
Why create an awkward situation? That's all I'm saying.
That's weird, because your friend Shorty there- gay as they come.
You gotta be kiddin'.
Mm-mmm.
No.
My gaydar is never wrong, and it is pinging like we're at a bathhouse.
What are you talking about- gay? The guy used to be married.
Okay, that makes- So did Elton John, Merv Griffin, Cole Porter.
You know what? Listen.
You couldn't be more wrong about this.
No, Dad.
You could not be more wrong- about a lot of things.
- Good seeing you guys.
- [Hugo.]
You take care, man.
That's a great coat.
[Dale.]
Yeah, later.
Ping! [Line Ringing.]
[Remote Beeps.]
Phil Dunphy.
Hey, it's me.
Hey.
Listen, I've got a bunch of moms over here who wanna watch the talent show DVD, and I can't get the sound to work.
Is there a picture? Yes.
Be honest.
Did you do that thing where you get frustrated and you start pressing all the buttons? No.
I have a theory that Phil installs overly complicated things in the house just so he has an excuse to talk to me like a child.
Last month, it was the thermostat.
The snowflake button makes it cold, cold, cold "Set temperature" makes it hold, hold, hold The little flame makes it hot- [Crying.]
This is so humiliating.
I am sorry.
It's okay.
He just seemed so mature online.
How could I be so stupid? [Manny.]
You're not stupid.
"Stupid" is not following your heart and taking a chance on love.
I mean, what kind of 11 -year-old talks like that? [Crying.]
Manny's an old soul.
Here.
Use my handkerchief.
You see what I mean? I'll just be alone for the rest of my life.
And that's okay.
No, don't say that.
In my country, there's a saying that means "Love is just around the corner.
" I come from a neighborhood with a lot of prostitutes.
Maybe for you.
I mean, men must throw themselves at you every day.
They'II do the same for you if you just- Just what? Put out? No.
Just- Like, the lipstick, the hair, push-up bra.
You know.
[Sniffles.]
What's it matter? I'm never gonna be as pretty as you.
Ay, believe me, this takes a lot of work.
You just need to find your inner beauty.
It's hiding beneath a mask of insecurity.
Okay, he's starting to freak me out.
Manny, go play.
Mitchell, how do these look to you? Like they're dying.
I know.
Right? I said something to the florist.
He said, "Don't worry about it.
They're gonna come back.
" They're not coming back.
They've crossed to the other side.
You are a funny man.
Why? You're completely bothered by the flowers.
But when my father introduces you as "a friend of my son," doesn't faze you in the least.
Because the florist played me for a fool.
Your dad didn't mean any harm.
He's just being who he is.
When I was back East in law school, my dad used to call me every Saturday at 6:00 p.
m.
, before people would go out, just to, you know, check in, catch up.
And then, I think, the Christmas of my second year, I finally got up the courage to tell him.
After that, I-I pretty much just talked to my mom.
[Quietly.]
Don't cry.
I'm not crying.
I'm home! [Gloria.]
We're here.
[Door Closes.]
This is Whitney.
We're giving her a makeover.
Hi.
You have such a nice family and a really beautiful house.
- Thanks.
You two know each other how? - She's my date.
Of course she is.
I'll be in here.
[Whispers.]
I'll be right back.
I'm sorry this didn't turn out like you wanted.
That's okay.
Probably didn't turn out how you wanted it either.
I'll tell you what.
If neither of us is with anybody in 10 years, how about you and me give it a shot? That's disturbing.
But maybe.
How was your lunch with the boys? Good.
Ran into Mitchell and Cam.
Ay, nice.
You're not gonna believe this.
Mitchell says Shorty's gay.
Shorty? Yeah, I believe it.
Oh, come on! Well, he's a great dresser, a great dancer.
That doesn't prove anything.
He's the only one of your friends that never hits on me.
My friends hit on you? Yes, all the time, but don't worry.
They're a bunch of harmless old men.
They're my age.
I'm sure it's very hard on Shorty to keep a secret like that.
Jay, I think you should talk to him.
What? You're the only one with a gay son.
I'm sure he'll appreciate opening up to you.
We're guys.
We don't open up.
We talk about sports and cars, getting up in the middle of the night to pee.
I'm sure you made it very easy for Mitch to come out of the closet.
Yeah.
Okay.
I'm gonna finish my makeover.
Because I care about people.
Because I want to help them change their lives.
Jay, I'm hinting that you should call your friend, okay? Yes.
I'm getting that.
Okay, okay.
Hey, hey! Daddy in the hizzouse! [Crunches.]
Why would you do that to a brand-new, very expensive remote? Because I lost my temper, and it didn't work.
Therefore, it's useless.
Well, honey, when it comes to anything electronic, you're not exactly the best student.
I am very smart.
I had a 4.
0 in college.
How about you? I was almost that despite my substantial time commitment to cheerleading.
I thought we agreed not to bring up the cheerleading.
Cheerleading in my college was cool.
The football players were so jealous, they wouldn't even let me and my buddies- Trevor, Scotty and Ling- go to their parties.
Seriously, Claire, you owe me an apology for breaking that.
Okay.
Phil, I apologize for breaking the world's worst remote that you bought stupidly.
Excuse me, but the experts at CNET.
com rated it the best remote.
They gave it three and a half mice.
Wow.
I have an idea.
Let's invite the gang from CNET over and your old buddies from cheerleading, and we can have a nerd party.
Ling is not a nerd.
He built his own helicopter.
And if he was alive today- Sweet pea, let's not talk about Ling.
It upsets you too much.
You know what I'm gonna do? Hmm? I'm gonna buy a new remote- the same remote.
And just to prove how wrong you are, I'm gonna teach our dumbest kid how to use it in 20 minutes or less.
Who's our dumbest kid? Luke.
Luke? No, Luke understands electronics.
Haley.
No.
Yeah, Haley.
Teach Haley to use the remote, and then I'll apologize.
Haley? Mm-hmm.
Come on! Hey, Shorty, it's me.
I was thinking of heading over to the driving range and hitting a few balls.
You want to join me? That's great, Jay.
What should I wear? I don't know.
Wear- Wear whatever you want.
Oh, my God! Oh, God! What? The flowers.
They look so much better! This is a disaster.
You do know what "disaster" means, right? You don't understand.
I demanded that they come exchange them.
I got all medieval on the florist.
- [Beeping, Whirring.]
- Cam, I heard you on the phone.
You said you were displeased, but that's hardly going medieval.
Excuse me.
I said "very displeased.
" And I used my cowboy voice, so- - What are you doing? - I'm microwaving them so they look bad again.
Well, that seems a little crazy, doesn't it? [Doorbell Rings.]
Oh, no! That's the florist.
Relax.
Just take them out.
I'll get the door.
He'll never know the difference.
[Flowers Crackling.]
Hi.
[Chuckles.]
Florist.
- Yes.
Come on in.
He's over there with the flowers.
- Hello.
I don't know what happened.
They just, uh, somehow lost their vigor.
- They were like this when we came home.
- Cam.
Cam.
[Screaming.]
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh! Oh! Oh, my God! God, God! [Faucet Running.]
Look at that.
Two things flaming at once.
Damn it! You know what the problem is.
What? You're not moving your hips.
They're frozen.
Hips? Yeah, your hips.
They're frozen.
Here, let me show you.
No, it's okay.
All right, Shorty.
No, no.
Don't fight me.
Just bring the club back.
Go ahead.
All right? Now turn those hips.
That's it.
You just gotta relax.
You gotta open up the stance a little bit.
Spread 'em.
Spread 'em.
That's it.
If you don't relax, you're never gonna get that shaft where it belongs.
Hey, you know what? How about a coffee? Let's get a coffee.
Sure.
Now press the button labeled "Activities.
" Where is that? It's just to the right.
To the right.
And now choose "Watch DVD.
" What? Honey, you gotta focus.
We've only got 20 minutes.
Pretend- Pretend the mall's closing.
Dad, this is stupid.
I watch TV on my computer.
Why do I have to learn this? Because your mom doesn't think you can.
Nobody can.
Haley, listen to me.
Listen to me.
I know this seems impossible.
But this is for all those times that Mom told you she was right and you knew she was wrong.
I'll do it.
That's my girl.
You know, that guy's got a beautiful stroke.
Look at his pants- no pleats.
I like pants like that.
You think I can get away with something like that? Sure.
Why not? Listen, Shorty, uh, we know each other a long time, right? What, 30 years? Yeah.
And, um, I sense that you got a secret that's maybe causing you a lot of anguish.
You heard something, right? Well, I had the same situation with my son, Mitchell.
Really? Yeah, and I didn't handle it too well either.
And, uh, I just want you to know that you can open up to me, that I'm gonna do all I can to help you.
[Exhales.]
Well, I mean I- I never said this out loud before to anyone.
But I guess, if I did, it would be you.
[Chuckling.]
It's just that, Jay, you see, I'm, uh- I'm- Go ahead.
Yeah.
Go ahead.
I'm in debt.
Huh? I owe a bookie 20 G's, and he's a serious guy.
And you offering to give me the dough- This is beautiful.
Wait a minute.
You're not gay? Gay? What are you talkin' about- gay? I'm not gay.
Where'd you get gay? Come on.
I mean, you're always talking about clothes and everything, right? My father was a tailor.
I like clothes.
So what? Are you calling my father gay? No! My father landed on Normandy to save your ass.
You know, if you weren't lending me 20 G's, I'd knock you out right now.
Take a check? Cash would be better.
Haley.
You ready? Let's do this.
Turn on the TV.
[Announcer.]
Angela says, after he colored her hair- Nice.
It turned gray and then green.
Mute it.
[Remote Beeps.]
[Sound Off.]
Un-mute it.
[Beeps.]
Sixty-five dollars.
- Put on a DVD.
- Hairdresser Frederick Longmire denies he's responsible.
- Skip forward.
- Wait.
Um.
[Remote Beeps.]
- [Man On P.
A.
, Indistinct.]
- Okay.
Back to TV.
- [Beeps.]
better than that.
Face! Don't get all cocky, Phil.
Let's see what happens to little Haley when I do this.
Ho, ho, ho.
Ho! Face.
Dad, wh- What do I do? Don't panic.
We went through this.
Just- Just think.
Give up.
Give up.
Admit defeat.
[Calmly.]
Haley.
Okay.
Uh, let's see.
You put the remote on to TV mode and then press "Input" till you get HDMI 1 and- - [Crowd Cheering.]
- [Haley Laughing, Whooping.]
- I did it! - She did it! [Both Laughing.]
Fine.
You proved your point.
Everybody in this house is smarter than me.
No, honey, you're missing the point.
I taught Haley how to use the remote in 20 minutes.
So think how fast you can learn it.
What's that supposed to mean? See what I'm saying? [Pounding.]
[Jay.]
Mitchell, it's me! Hey, Dad.
Hi.
I'm here to let you know your gaydar is broken.
Shorty is not gay.
No.
I, uh- I knew that.
I made that up to mess with you for dissing Cam.
What? That cost me - What do you mean? - I reached out to him to let him know it's okay to be gay.
You did? Yeah.
Right after one of the stranger golf lessons of my life.
Turns out what he is is a lousy gambler, and now I'm the one on the hook for it.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Then why are you smiling? I'm- I'm proud of you, Dad.
And you're growing.
Just-Just stop it.
Please.
Don't you see how hard this is for me? See, I used to be just like one of those guys.
Now look at me.
I got a house looks like Little Colombia.
I got a gay son and a Chinese granddaughter.
- Vietnamese.
- Only you would know the difference.
Don't worry, Dad.
Not growing too much.
[Whitney.]
I'm a little nervous.
Don't be.
I'm sure you look beautiful.
[Gloria Gasps.]
[Manny.]
Whoa! What do you think? Look at you! [Laughing.]
Really? [Doorbell Rings.]
You're gonna be fighting men off with a stick.
I don't know about that.
Cameron! Hi.
Sorry for the pop over, but I just wanted to bring you these to thank you for babysitting Lily again last night.
Oh! [Both Kiss Loudly.]
áGracias! You didn't need to do that.
You know I love Lily.
I know.
Come in.
Say hello.
Hey, Cam.
Hi, Manny.
Manny, how are you? Cameron, this is my new friend, Whitney.
Whitney, this is Cameron.
Hello.
It's nice to meet you.
That is a spectacular dress.
This old thing? [Chuckles.]
What about her hair? Oh, my gosh.
It's like Barbra Streisand in The Way We Were.
One of my favorites.
Me too.
Okay, who is reading The Forevers? I am.
I am so obsessed with this whole vampire thing right now.
Me too.
I just met the sweetest guy named Cameron.
I think he might be the one.
[Mitchell.]
Can people change? I don't know.
People are who they are- give or take, yeah, 15%.
That's how much people can change if they really want to.
Well, I'll see you when I see you.
Yeah, thanks for- [Whispering.]
Haley, sweetie, wake up.
What? I need you to teach me to use the TV.
Now? Why can't Dad teach you? Because we're married.
Whether it's for themselves or for the people they love- That way.
Yeah.
And then press- Mmm! I got it.
Yeah.
Yeah, 15%.
[Remote Beeps.]
[Both Cheering.]
But you know what? I did it! Sometimes that's just enough.
I did it! All right, I'll see you guys next week, huh? [All Chattering.]
Jay.
Jay.
Listen, I wanna thank you for, you know, helping me out with that jam.
It was nothin'.
No, no, no.
And I got you a little present.
You didn't have to do that.
No, I did.
Two tickets to see the great Michael Bublé.
The guy sings like an angel.
He's gonna be outside at one of the amphitheaters.
Gloria's gonna love it.
No.
I'm talkin' about you and me.
Oh, you and me.
Yeah.
Well, that's a little- I thought maybe we could have a little picnic since it's outside.
You know? I'll get some nice bottle of wine, a little cheese.
Lay on a nice blanket.
All right? Yeah, fine.
Yo, hey.
I like your hair.
Who does your hair? Huh? Yo, handsome.
Who does your hair?