Roseanne s01e13 Episode Script

crystal, i'm really sorry.
i don't want to talk about it.
i didn't know it was gonna upset- - what's going on? - i gave her a ride to work.
it must have been a hell of a ride.
what'd you do, steer with your feet? no, i drove over the monument street bridge.
jackie, you didn't! - oh, good goin', sis.
- what was i supposed to do? if we'd gone the other way, then we would've been late for work.
how could you even do that? you know she freaks out if anybody even mentions the bridge.
crystal got some kind of hang-up with bridges? just the monument street bridge.
yeah, it's killer during rush hour.
that's not funny, booker.
i'm not trying to be funny.
that's right, he doesn't know the story.
he hasn't been here that long.
- what story? - you tell him, sis.
okay, come here.
but you guys have gotta be good.
i will, i will, i will.
okay, crystal's first husband sonny was working construction on the monument street bridge.
and he was pouring cement one day, and he slipped.
he fell into one of the piling molds.
so you mean that he fell off the bridge? well, kinda.
he sort of fell in the bridge.
get out of here.
are you telling me this guy is still buried in the bridge? for the past 12 years, and it's a very sad story.
jackie, i'm sorry, i guess i overreacted.
- are you okay, crystal? - i'm fine.
- jackie, i apologize.
- no, it's all my fault.
no, it's my fault.
crystal, i drove over it as fast as i could.
it's okay, it's all out of my system.
what's the story about your old man being, you know, part of the monument street bridge? i'll get it.
- hello?cindy? - hey, hey, hey, hey! you're stretching all the natural beauty out of the phone cord.
dAN: babe? what time is crystal bringing lonnie over? any second.
hey, if she starts talking about sonny at all, hurry up and change the subject.
why is she thinking about him again? because today, jackie drove her over the you-know-what.
the bridge? you gotta be kidding me.
when is she gonna get over him? she probably never will, dan.
i mean, he was like the only guy that ever made her happy.
hell, sonny made a lot of girls happy.
he did what? all i'm saying is that old sonny wasn't exactly husband of the year.
so, uh what are you saying to me, dan? you're telling me that the only guy crystal ever loved was, like, running around on her? i cannot tell a lie.
that scumbucket.
why didn't you ever tell me he done that? because men don't talk about stuff like that.
yeah, they do, just to other men.
knock it off, you little twerp! mom, darlene's still on the telephone.
hey, don't come in here ratting on people now.
dan, he's ratting on people.
cheese eater.
cindy, we gotta get a pack of cigarettes.
hey, get off now.
give that phone a rest.
hold on.
what are you picking on me for? 'cause i can't find becky.
i gotta go.
yeah.
okay, bye.
are you finished with that yet? oh, jeez, you kids.
mom, i'm going over to cindy's house.
and yes, i'll be back in time for dinner.
oh, goody, that brainwashing's kicking right in.
- yoo-hoo, it's me.
- hi, come on in, crystal.
- hey, darlene.
- darlene.
hey, crystal.
hey, lon.
bOTH: hi, dan.
his scout troop gave him everything he needs.
oh, this'll be a snap.
you happen to be working with the a-number one super birdhouse builder of all time.
the legend continues.
why don't you and deej go in the garage and get set up.
i'll get us some sodies, and be out in a minute.
lONNIE: okay.
lonnie, honey, be sure to keep your jacket on.
d.
j.
, honey, be sure not to go near the chainsaw.
well, crystal, why don't you and lonnie stay for dinner.
oh, no, i couldn't impose.
come on, you're not imposing, you're gonna cook.
all right.
okay, bye.
- hi, crystal.
- hi, sugar.
i'll get that.
crystal, give me a hand with these vegetables.
okay, let me wash up.
don't you think lonnie gets to looking more and more like his daddy every day? uh, why don't you dice up them carrots, crystal.
how do you want 'em? sliced, diced, curled or julienned? uh, cut 'em up in little pieces, would you? ever since jackie gave me a ride to work this morning, i just can't get my mind off sonny.
you really ought to start driving yourself to work.
cRYSTAL: sonny was really one in a million.
yeah.
yeah, he was a pretty good guy.
he was the best.
i keep wondering how different my life would have turned out if he hadn't have died.
i could have been happy for the rest of my life.
excuse me.
come here.
what's that for? i was just thinking about how different my life would have turned out if you'd have lived.
i feel better now.
i wish there was something we could do for crystal.
i know.
she puts herself in this every six months.
she's still in love with the guy and there's nothing we can do about it.
leave it to me.
i'll fix her up.
you know what they say: the best thing for an old love is a new love.
that's beautiful, dan.
after you read that, did you eat the cookie? ahh.
what do you think you're doing? what does it look like, einstein? you're gonna die, you know that? from one cigarette? yeah, mom and dad are gonna kill you.
they're not gonna find out.
they went to the budget sale.
they'll be gone for days.
don't you even care about the fact that your lungs are gonna turn brown and shrivel up? not really.
oh, my god! mom and dad are here! you're dead.
the smell.
how are you gonna cover up the smell? that's spray starch, you ditz! here, use bug spray.
that's enough.
it stinks in here.
- what is that smell? - dARLENE: bug spray.
darlene and i just killed a huge spider.
what'd you do, drown it? we had to use a whole can.
it was humongous.
well, thank god we're safe.
now all we have to worry about is irreversible chromosome damage.
there's still bags out there.
will you two exterminators go get 'em, please? dARLENE: we'd love to.
was i right, or was i right? is this a trick question? admit it, that was one great sale.
do you think is gonna be enough there? babe twelve for 12 dollars.
you're never gonna see prices like these again.
yeah, and as soon as my back's turned you're filling up my cart with all these tube socks.
well, i didn't see you holding back on the cold cream.
- hey, i need that.
- eight jars? say, give it to me.
i use it to cook, see? what's in this, lead? oh, i got you kids new leg irons.
- hey, dan, look.
- bECKY: hi, crystal.
i found a flag for the birdhouse.
no red-blooded american birdhouse should be without one.
i'm gonna go out and start sanding the roof, okay? oh, use that number three sandpaper, okay? - okay.
- i gotta get going.
my saturday's just jam-packed.
whoa.
you're in a good mood.
yes, i am.
i decided to treat myself to a manicure and a wash and set.
wouldn't perchance have to do with the certain new fella i fixed you up with, would it? oh, dan, now stop your gloating so i can hear what happened.
what happened? it was a lovely evening.
he took me to a nice restaurant.
a little italian place with the best pasta i ever had.
oh, now skip the noodles.
let's get to the tomatoes here.
well, the same thing happened that always happens.
i spent the entire evening comparing him to sonny.
and i said to myself, "i can't do this anymore.
" see, roseanne, and you said a match wouldn't make any difference.
oh, but it did make a difference.
i decided not to go out with men at all anymore.
well, crystal, don't you think that's a little bit nuts? no, what's nuts is bouncing from one bad relationship to another.
i don't need any man in my life.
the only thing that makes me happy are the memories of sonny.
this is all the man i need.
crystal, you're wearing your wedding ring.
yes, i am.
and there's a practical side to this.
this'll keep men at bay, and keep sonny close to my heart.
now, if you excuse me, i'm gonna go get my 'do done.
bye-bye.
my god, the man's been in a bridge for 12 years and she's wearing his ring.
yeah, i think she's gone off the deep end.
we gotta tell her the truth about sonny.
yeah, i guess she really oughta know.
you know, you men are all alike.
either you're out running around or you're buried in your work.
jackie, we got any more boxes? no, we're all out of 'em.
crystal, you better slow down.
you're making me and her look bad.
i'll go get some.
day's almost over.
i thought you would talk to her about sonny.
- i'm going to.
- when? well, i just gotta think of what to say, you know? what's there to think about? you just tell her the truth.
yeah, i'm gonna go up to her, somebody that's in a great mood.
"uh, crystal, um did you know that your husband was a skirt junkie?" well, you don't have to be crude about it.
you just- you bring up the subject, and then you let crystal make that discovery herself.
yeah, like, "crystal, you know that husband of yours? the one that's in the bridge? how many women besides you do you think he boinked?" here we go.
uh, crystal? yes? i gotta talk to you.
what about? about sonny.
what about him? me and jackie were just saying that he was a great construction worker.
why, thank you, guys.
you're welcome.
dAN: hey, babe check this out.
- pretty neat, huh? - wow! oh, where's the jacuzzi? right there, next to the wet bar.
wow, you guys did a great job.
don't look at me.
big lon here did most of the work.
i just handed him the tools and you know what this needs, lonnie? what? you should paint this little tiny welcome mat right here by the door.
oh, yeah.
hey, dan, can i borrow some of your paint? - sure.
- thanks.
- i'll be back in a minute.
- yeah.
just try to keep d.
j.
out of it, okay? okay, i'll try.
bye.
that kid is aces.
he is so cool.
talk to crystal yet about sonny? um, not yet.
so you didn't do it yet, huh? dan, look.
whose are those? well, they're in darlene's jeans.
you figure it out.
well, let's go find miss darlene, tie her little tail in a knot, and ground her for six months.
no, no, no.
just follow my lead.
get some matches.
hey, darlene, come down here a minute.
what did i do now? nothing.
i just found these in your jeans.
i thought you might want 'em back.
you're gonna kill me, aren't you? no.
your father and i just want you to know you don't have to sneak around anymore.
yeah, honey.
this is your house too.
you're welcome to smoke.
yeah, right, and get my face bashed in.
no, we mean it.
why don't you go ahead and light one up right now.
go on, take one.
here let me light it for you.
is this gonna explode or something? no.
no, no.
it's gonna explode.
we wouldn't blow you up.
we'd never get you out of the furniture.
oh, look! she's such an adult, honey.
aren't you proud? proud doesn't say it.
so, how come you're letting me smoke? because we love you.
right, honey? that's right.
and dan, you know what the best part - of her smoking's gonna be? - what's that, dear? when her teeth start turning all yellow.
ooh, ooh! i can hardly wait.
oh, you know what i'm waiting for though? what's that, darlin'? emphysema.
ooh, how cool! ooh!well, we might have one problem with this though.
problem? yeah, that darn iron lung, getting it through the door there.
we'll keep her in the garage.
i know what you guys are trying to do.
- you're trying to scare me.
- pretty much.
you're going to keep ragging on me till i quit smoking.
pretty much.
okay.
mother, father, you're right.
i was a fool.
i'll never smoke again.
good, now get out of here before i crush your skull.
yoo-hoo, it's me.
- hey, crystal.
- rOSEANNE: hey.
hi.
is lonnie about ready to go? almost.
he's out finishing his birdhouse.
crystal, me and dan want to talk to you.
come and sit down here for a minute.
well, good, 'cause i want to talk to you too.
i was going through a box of sonny's clothes, and i found this photograph from that time we took that trip to merrimac caverns, remember? yeah, we stopped off outside of belleville and had a picnic.
and we bought those purple sno-cones.
oh, and we ate 'em in the car, and they made such a mess and we had to crystal, you okay? well ever since jackie drove me over the bridge, i've been thinking about how things with me and sonny weren't as perfect as everybody thought.
in fact, they weren't perfect at all.
hell, honey, that's not your fault.
cRYSTAL: but it is.
i never told anybody this, but i had an affair while i was married to sonny.
i feel so guilty.
i been carrying this around for years, and no matter what i do, i just can't seem to let it go.
well, crystal, you can't beat yourself up about it.
i cheated on him.
well, you gotta get over this guilt stuff, crystal.
and you gotta get over sonny.
you gotta go on with your life.
that's what i'd like to do.
well, then, that's what you gotta do.
cRYSTAL: well, i don't know if i can do this.
crystal, now you want to talk to him.
go ahead, talk to him.
you spent the last 12 years feeling guilty.
yeah, you want to spend the next 12 that way? no.
well, then talk to him, crystal, go on.
- which one's he in? - uh, i think it's this one.
well, maybe it's that one.
crystal, i don't think it makes any difference which one he's in.
just pick one and start talking.
i feel kind of stupid.
just talk to him, crystal.
tell him that.
tell him anything.
yeah, i'll get you started.
sonny it's me, dan.
uh, crystal- i can't do this.
he's your husband.
i think you oughta go on.
hi, honey.
everything's fine.
i'm still working at the plastics factory.
you should see lonnie.
he's eleven now.
he's got your dark hair and he's so handsome.
every time i look at him, i see you.
i miss you so much.
there's not a day goes by that i don't think about you.
sonny, there's something i gotta tell you.
i can't live with the guilt anymore.
while we were married, i had an affair.
it was only one time.
i don't know why i did it, but damn it, i was so angry at you for running around on me.
i knew about that waitress.
and them other women too.
it really hurt me because you're the only man i ever loved.
and i still do.
but i got my own life to live.
so, i gotta let you go now.
well i'm gonna get back in the truck, 'cause it's really cold out here.
bye, sonny.
i love you.
i caught my death of cold at that bridge.
oh, doggone it, and i didn't keep up on your life insurance premiums.
that's okay, dear, i left everything to you.
oh, boy, i'm all set then.
twelve furnace filters and 18 pairs of tube socks.
seventeen pairs.
i want to be buried in one.
you got it.
baby if i kick off, will you keep all my stuff? i am all your stuff.
you my best stuff.