Big Bang Theory s01e14 Episode Script

This sandwich is an unmitigated disaster.
I asked for turkey and roast beef with lettuce and swiss on whole wheat.
What did they give you? Turkey and roast beef with swiss and lettuce on whole wheat.
It's the right ingredients but in the wrong order.
In a proper sandwich the cheese is adjacent to the bread to create a moisture barrier against the lettuce.
They might as well drag this thing into a car wash.
I don't believe it.
I know, it's basic culinary science.
Some guy is actioning up a miniature time machine prop from the original film and nobody's bidding on it.
A time machine from the movie "The time machine"? No, a time machine from "Sophie's choice".
Boy, Sophie could have used a time machine in that movie Did you see it? It's rough.
Oh that's cool.
It's only 800 dollars? Yes, and that's my bid.
You bid 800 dollars? Yes, it was a spur-of-the-moment thing I figured it would go for thousands and I just wanted to be a part of it.
There's only 30 seconds left in the auction.
Do you have 800 dollars? Not to blow on a miniature time machine.
Oh don't worry, the way this thing works is people waiting till the last seconds to bid and then they swoop in and get it.
It's called sniping.
Come on snipers.
Ten, nine, eight Where are your snipers? - Five - Snipe! - Four - Snipe! - Three - Snipe! - Two - Snipe! One Congratulations! You are a proud owner of a miniature time machine.
You lucky duck.
I wonder why no one else bid This is a classic piece of sci-fi movie memorabilia.
I know! I still can't afford it.
Why don't we share it? Well each put 200 bucks and we'll take turns having it in our house.
A time shared time machine.
I'm in.
Sheldon? Need you ask? But I still don't understand why no one else bid.
I understand why no one else bid.
Our whole universe was in a hot,dense state then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started wait! The Earth began to cool The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools We built the wall We built the pyramids Math, Science, History Unraveling the mystery That all started With a Big Bang! Bang! The Big Bang Theory S01 E14 The Nerdmabelia Scattering The Big Bang Theory S01 E14 The Nerdmabelia Scattering Did the listing actually said "miniature"? I just assumed.
Who sells a full size time machine for 800 dollars? In a Venn diagram that would be an individual located within the intersection of the sets: "No longer want my time machine" and "Need 800 dollars".
It's actually a tremendous bargain.
Even with shipping it works out to less than four dollars a pound.
Cocktails shrimp at 12.
50.
How are we gonna get it upstairs? If we take the dish off it might fit in the elevator.
Yes but the elevator has been broken for two years.
I've been meaning to ask you Do you think we should make a call about that? Not necessarily.
I have a masters in engineering.
I remotely repair satellites on a regular basis.
I troubleshoot space shuttle payloads.
When the Mars Rover started pulling to the left, I performed a front end alignment from No, that baby's broken.
Come on guys, push! If I push any harder I'm gonna give birth to my colon.
I can't feel my fingers! Hurry up! It's the same amount of work no matter how fast you go.
Basic physics.
- Sheldon? - Yeah? If my fingers ever work again I've got a job for the middle one.
Oh hey guys.
Hi Penny.
Take a break guys.
What are you doing? We're just, you know, moving something upstairs.
What is it? Just, you know, a time machine.
Yeah, ok, neat, but I really gotta get to work, so - Just give us a few minutes.
- I don't have a few minutes.
I'm running really late.
I have a sample solution.
Go up to the roof, hop over the next building There's a small gap - don't look down if you suffer the vertigo - and use their stairway.
You're joking, right? I never joke when it comes to vertigo.
Damn Ok, I'll just take the roof.
Hey, if you wait for us to set up the time machine I can drop you off to work yesterday.
Time travel jokes.
Nevermind.
For what it's worth, I thought it was humorous.
Let's just do this.
Guys, ready to push? In a minute.
Howard stepped outside to throw up.
I don't know what you're worried about.
I think it really works in the room.
Yeah.
It is by far the coolest thing I've ever owned.
The exact time machine that carried actor Rod Taylor from victorian England into the post-apocaliptic future where society had splintered into two factions: The subterranean Morlocks, who survived by feasting on the flesh of the gentle surface-dwelling Eloi.
Talk about you chick magnet.
Oh, yeah.
The guy who lives next to me is always like "I have a Jacuzzi on my balcony" "I have a Jacuzzi on my balcony" Wait until I tell him "I've got a time machine on my balcony" Stuff that in your Speedoes, Jacuzzi Bob.
" Gentlemen, I know we said we'd take turns but I think you'll agree that practicality dictates it remain here.
You can't just keep it here What if I meet a girl and say "Do you wanna come up and see my time machine? It's at my friend's house" How lame is that? - He's got a point.
- All right.
I think we're going to need some ground rules, in addiction to the expected "No shoes in the time machine" and "No eating in the time machine" I propose that we add "Pants must be worn at all times in the time machine" Second it.
I was gonna put down a towel.
I still want it on my balcony.
I say we move it on a bimonthly basis.
- Yeah, that sounds fair - Hold on.
"bimonthly" is an ambiguous term.
Do you mean moving it every other month or twice a month? - Twice a month.
- Then no.
Ok, every other month.
No.
Sheldon, you can't be selfish.
We all paid for it so it belongs to all of us.
Now get out of the way so I can sit on my time machine.
Ok.
I'm setting the dials for 10th March 1876.
Good choice, Alexander Graham Bell invents the telephone and calls out for Dr.
Watson.
Wait a minute, I want to see that too.
So when it's your turn you can.
But if you all go back to the same point and time Bell's lab is going to get very crowded.
He'll know something's up.
Also, since the time machine doesn't move in space you'll end up in 1876 Pasadena.
And even if you can make it to Boston, what are you gonna do? Knock on the door and say to Mrs Bell Hey, Mrs Bell, I'm a big fan of your husband Can I come in and watch him inventing the telephone? Mrs Bell was deaf She's not even going to hear you knock.
I have a solution.
First, go into the future and obtain a cloaking device.
How far into the future? If I remember correctly Captain Kirk would steal a cloaking device from the Romulans on Star Date 5027.
3 Which would be 10th January 2328 by pre-federation reckoning.
Ok, I'm setting the dials for 10th January 2328.
Here we go into the future.
That was fun.
My turn! Ok, first of all what you call a gap was nearly three feet wide - I slipped and skinned my knee.
- Are you ok? Second of all, the door to the stairway of the other building was locked.
so I had to go down the fire escape which ends on the third floor forcing me to crawl to the window of a lovely Armenian family who insisted I'd stay for lunch.
That doesn't sound too bad.
It was eight courses of lamb.
And they tried to fix me up with their son.
- Sorry.
- Not done.
By the time I finally got to work they'd given my shift away.
Yeah, that's right I've lost an entire day's pay thanks to this.
- this - time machine The lights flash, the dish spins, do you wanna try it? No!! I don't wanna try it My God, you are grown men.
How can you waste your lives with these stupid toys, and costumes and comic books and and now that! - That - Again, time machine.
Oh please, it's not time machine If anything it looks like something Elton John would drive through the Everglades.
It only moves in time.
It would be worse than useless in a swamp.
Pathethic! all of you! Completely pathethic My turn Leonard, it's 2:00 in the morning So? So it's my turn.
Why did you set it for the day before yesterday? Because I wanna go back and keep myself from getting a time machine.
You can't.
If you would prevent yourself from buying it in the past you wouldn't have it available in the present to travel back and stop yourself from buying it.
Ergo, you'd still have it.
This is a classic working time-travel mistake.
Can I go back and prevent you from explaining that to me? Same paradox If you were to travel back in time and, say, knock me unconscious you would not then have the conversation that irritated you motivating you to knock me unconscious.
What if I knock you unconscious right now? It won't change the past.
But it'd make the present so much nicer.
Are you upset about something? What was your first clue? Well, that was a number of things.
First, the late hour.
Then your demeanor seems very low energy - Plus your irritability - Yes, I'm upset! I don't usually pick up on those things.
Good for me.
Yes, good for you.
Oh, wait.
Did you wanna talk about what's bothering you? I don't know, maybe.
Wow, I'm on fire tonight.
Here's the thing.
Girls like Penny never end up with guys who own time machines.
I disagree.
Your inability to successfully woo Penny long predates your acquisition of the time machine.
That failure clearly stands on itself.
Thanks for pointing it out.
In addiction, your premise is flaw.
In the original film Rod Taylor got Yvette Mimieux in that very time machine.
in "Back to the future" Marty McFly got the opportunity to hook up with his extremely attractive young mother.
Those are movies.
Of course they are movies.
Were you expecting me to come up with an example involving a real-life time machine? It's absurd.
Come on, guys, push! If I push any harder I'm gonna give birth to my colon.
Hi guys.
Hi Penny.
Take a break guys! What are you doing? Oh, you know just moving a time machine.
Yeah, ok, neat, but I really gotta get to work, so No problem Hang on.
But, what about your time machine? Something more important than the toys I'm scared Don't worry baby.
I've got you.
It's still my turn.
What are you doing? I'm packing up all my collectibles and taking them down at the comic books store to sell.
Was that really necessary? If you need money you can always sell blood.
and semen.
Not about money We brought food! Lox and bagels, the breakfast for time travellers.
Terrific Does anyone want to buy my share of the time machine? Why? I don't want it anymore.
Why? justpersonal reason My spidy sense tells me this has something to do with Penny.
Look, - Do you want to buy me out or not? - I'll give you make me half owner and we'll put it on my balcony.
Screw his balcony I'll give you 120 and we'll put it in my garage.
I paid 200 dollars for my share.
Dude, everybody knows a time machine loses half his value the minute you drive him off the lot.
I go for 200 and that time machine stands right where it is.
original 1979 Mattel Millennium Falcon with real light speed sound effects.
No, no more toys or action figures or props or replicas or costumes or robots or Darth Vader's voice changers.
I'm getting rid of all of it You can't do that.
Look at what you've created here.
It's like "Nerdvana".
More importantly, you have a Darth Vader's voice changer? Not for long.
Oh, I call dibs on the Golden Age Flash.
Hang on, I need that to complete my Justice Society of America collection.
Too bad, I called dibs.
- You can't just call dibs.
- I can and I did Look at "dibs" on the Wikipedia.
Dibs doesn't apply in a bidding war.
It's not a bidding war.
I'm selling it all to Larry down at the comic books store.
Why Larry? Did Larry call dibs? Would you forget dibs? He offered me a fair price for the whole collection.
What's the number? I'll match it.
I'll match it plus 1000 rupies - What's the exchange rate? - None of your business.
Take it or leave it.
Mom, my Bar Mitzvah bond how much have I got? Thanks.
I can go 2.
600 dollars and two trees in Israel.
Forget it.
If I sell it to one of you the other two are gonna be really mad at me.
Who cares? As long as you pick me! Okay Leonard, put down that box.
- Let's talk.
- Sorry Raj.
My mind is made up No I can't let you do this Sheldon, get out of my way None shall pass Okay I did not want to do this but I have here the rare, mint condition, production error Star Trek: The Next Generation Geordi La Forge without his visor in the original packaging.
If you do not get out of my way I will open it.
Okay man, be cool We're all friends here What the hell is going on? You Hypocrit! What? Little miss "Grown-ups- don't-play-with-toys".
If I went into that apartment right now would I not find beany babies? are you not an accumulator of Care Bears and My Little Ponies? And who is that japanese feline I see frawn looking at your shorts? Hello, hello Kitty! Okay.
Okay,look this is about yesterday, Leonard.
I'm really sorry about what i said - I was jus upset - No, i needed to hear it No, you didn't Look you're great guy it's the things you love that make who you are I guess that makes me "Large breasts" Still I think it's time for me to get rid of this stuff and, you know move on with my life.
Really? Oh Wow, good for you Thanks Hey, do you want I don't know, later Excuse me.
.
Hi Penny Hi Mike You're ready to go? yeah, i just have to change I give you a hand Stop it! Bye guys My turn on the time machine! It worked It really worked They said i was mad, but it worked! Oh no! Not Morlocks! Not flash-eating Morlocks! Help! Sheldon, you okay? We have to get rid of the time machine.
It's too little big for the living room, isn't it? yeah, that's the problem.
It's too big.
I'm glad you agreed I hired some guys to help us move it.
Come on in fellas Oh no, Morlocks! Eat him, eat Him.
Leonard!