Desperate Housewives s01e14 Episode Script
113 - Love Is in the Air (a.k.a. What I Did for Love)
Previously on Desperate Housewives: If it turns out that someone hurt her, I want them dead.
- Sometimes I'm running out of money.
In a couple of weeks, I will be screwed.
- In that case, you might want to think about looking for a job.
- the answers If you could just tell me what he told you, then I could fix the problem.
- I can't do that.
- to Life's biggest questions - I had the nightmare again.
- What do you think the significance of the name Angela is? - Actually, that's my real name.
- are buried - She hasn't even been dead a month, and it's like you totally forgot she ever existed.
- under even bigger lies.
- Zach was telling Julie about what happened to Dana.
He didn't mean to kill Dana.
Most mothers will tell you their children are a gift from god.
Most mothers would also tell you that the gifts their children give them are less than heavenly.
Lynette had suffered through art work made in kindergarten, spice racks made in summer camp, and jewelry made at the scout jamboree.
But this day, Lynette Scavo received a gift every mother dreams of.
One she wasnt embarrassed to display.
- Where did you guys get this pot? - We made it! Really? I love it.
This is the nicest present you boys had ever given me.
You know what? Ill put it out on the front porch so the whole neighborhood can enjoy it.
Lynette knew shed cherish the memory of that moment for the rest of her life.
The memory of that moment was ruined the very next day.
Mrs.
McCluskey, why are you taking my flower pot? Because its mine.
Your boys stole it off of my porch.
No, no, no.
My sons made that for me for Valentine's Day.
I bought this in Costa Rica on my last cruise.
You see? Still got the price tag on it.
Look.
What? Nothing more to say? Cat got your tongue? You listen to me.
Keep your brats off my property.
Yes, most mothers will tell you their children are a gift from God.
Most mothers will also tell you there are some days when you wish you could return them.
Episode 14 - Love is in the air It was the day before Valentine's Day and every man on Wisteria Lane was preparing for this most dangerous of holidays.
While some purchased romantic cards and some brought home candy and flowers and some made dinner reservations at fancy restaurants, others managed to forget about the day entirely.
Again.
This flurry of activity was lost on the women of Wisteria Lane.
They were busy learning a secret about their neighbors.
A secret that was positively heart-breaking.
- So Paul said that Zachary killed Dana? - Yeah.
Well, it mustve been some sort of accident.
I mean little boys dont just kill their baby sisters.
Well, whatever it was, that boy is seriously disturbed, and I've forbidden Julie from hanging out with him.
So this is it! This is the secret that Mary Alice was trying to protect.
Look at the guilt that she mustve lived with.
You know, I never thought Id say this, but I kind of feel sorry for Paul.
I wish I could.
I still feel like somethings not right.
- What do you mean? Well, weve all been in their house.
Have you ever seen a picture of another kid there? I mean, why keep Danas baby blanket and throw out all the photos? Thats a good point.
Weve never answered why Mary Alice referred to herself as Angela in that therapy session.
All I know is this: Mary Alice loved Zach more than anything in the world.
When you love a child that much Youre capable of doing all sorts of things.
Yeah.
Hello.
These were delivered to my house by mistake.
May I? Theyre for Mary Alice Young.
Oh my god.
I uh, had a standing order with the florist.
I forgot to cancel it.
Mary Alice was my wife.
She passed away a few months ago.
Im very sorry for your loss.
And Im sorry for yours.
- Pardon? Your sister.
Martha? Oh, yes.
Her.
Good lord, thats Angela.
What? Angela Forest! We worked together it Utah.
It must be 15 years ago.
Im afraid you're mistaken.
My wifes name is Mary Alice and shes never been to Utah.
Well, I could be mistaken.
As I said, it's been years.
No Mikki, youre wrong.
I wasnt acting like a diva.
I left the boat show because that coordinator was making passes at me.
Its not my fault.
Yao Lin? You missed a spot.
No, spare me the lecture and just book me another job quick.
Carlos and I are up to our asses in bills and we can't pay them.
Fine.
Bye.
What did you say? Nothing.
Are you gonna clean that spot? Which one? The one I told you to clean.
I'll get to it.
Clean it now.
Why? Because I said so.
Okay, but youve got to say please.
Fine.
Please.
Anything to get you back on your knees scrubbing where you belong.
You are not better than me.
Excuse me? The only reason you have anything in your life is because youre pretty.
One day youll be old, and when that happens youll be nothing.
You are so fired.
No kidding.
Ooh.
Valentine's Day card.
Its pretty.
And meticulously hand painted.
Whoever sent you that must really love you.
And be loaded with talent.
Its beautiful.
Thanks.
So are we still on for tomorrow night? Oh.
Not only are we on, I got reservations at La Petite Fleur.
Ooh.
That place is so pretentious.
Ive been dying to go there.
Boys! Get your little fannies inside.
Guys? Oh, poor Lynette.
She doesnt get a new nanny soon, shes gonna implode.
Hey guys.
Who you hiding from? Our mom.
She wants to spank us.
Why, did you do something bad? Well, if you hide out too long, shell get worried.
And then shell just get madder.
You know what I say? Go on home, take your lumps.
Decent chance youll have the rest of the day to play.
Come on, climb aboard.
All right! Pretty impressive.
Oh, I love kids.
Cant wait to have my own some day.
- We dont want to get spanked.
- Yeah, we promise well be good.
Too late, you stole.
And then you lied.
Even worse: You made me look bad in front of Mrs.
McCluskey, who you know is Mommy's sworn enemy.
Time to pick your poison.
How about a belt? Its a classic.
Well, we could go with the old hickory stick.
Its a cliché, but its pretty effective.
I know, well go with the spatula.
The holes give it less wind resistance.
Moves faster.
No! Guys! My hands are tied.
Thieves get spanked.
Just the way it works.
- Unless - Unless what? For a first time offense, if you swear, cross your heart, that you will never, never steal again, and you write Mrs.
McCluskey a letter of apology, - I will let it slide.
- OK, OK.
We swear! All right, start with "Dear Mrs.
McCluskey.
" Mommy, why are you smiling? - Do you know what psychological warfare means? - No.
Well, too bad for you.
OK, start with a big M, little c.
Good.
Rex and I are hosting a dinner party for 10 next week.
Were using our best china and serving duck.
- So, you and Rex are a couple again? - Yes.
You know thats one of the things I hated most about our separation: Not being able to throw dinner parties.
Theres just something so civilized and elegant about them, dont you think? I take it youve resolved your feelings about his infidelity? Lets just say that I put them in an imaginary box and dont plan on looking at them for a while.
Do you think thats the healthiest way to achieve a reconciliation? Well, it wont be easy at first.
Therell be a lot of forced smiles and perfunctory love making, but after a few decades whiz by Im sure Ill find a way to forgive him.
Well, as long as you have a plan.
I do want to forgive him Doctor Goldfine, but theres something hes still not telling me.
Really? I think it has something to do with why he had the affair.
- Have you confronted him? - Once.
And you shouldve seen the look in his eyes.
He was terrified that Id figure it out.
You know what it is, dont you? Bree, I can't discuss other patients.
I realize that.
This thing that hes hiding, is it bad? Oh, OK, um, maybe its better that I dont know.
Bree, how does this reconciliation have a chance if the two of you cant be honest about the innermost parts of your lives? Were, um, WASPs, Doctor Goldfine.
Not acknowledging the elephant in the room is what we do best.
Youd settle for that? A life filled with repression and denial? And the dinner parties.
Dont forget the dinner parties.
And uh, over there you got your Queens and, uh, your Quad Spring Series, and your Deluxe 1000s.
All the way to the Imperial Paradise.
Sweet racket huh? I swear sometimes I wake up in the morning and I cant believe Im the Siesta King.
Except for how I am.
Very impressive.
So, where does the photographer want me for the shoot? Uh, didnt your agent tell you? Theres no shoot.
Well, then what did you hire me for? Youve heard the expression "sex sales"? Thats where you come in.
Youre here to remind people that theres a lot of fun things they can do on a Siesta King mattress that dont involve sleep.
Get it? It is often said that good fences make good neighbors.
But as Lynette was about to discover, the fence might just need a little barbed wire if the neighbor is Mrs.
McCluskey.
Hey, what do you think you are doing? Get out of here.
Your little criminals snuck into my house and stole my wall clock.
What? It was a hand-painted purple and white wall clock.
My son made it.
- Are you sure you didnt misplace it? Youre getting up there in years, no offense, but you probably forget where you put things.
No offense, but you should be sterilized.
Look, my boys do not break into people's houses.
Sure, they may have stolen your flower pot, but you know they apologized for that.
They wrote a note.
Thats the coward's way out.
They shouldve come over and apologized in person.
You know what? This has been fun but now - You let those boys run wild! Toys all over the yard, theres bikes laying out in the street.
Its a disgrace.
- Get out of my house! Those boys wouldve been better off raised by wolves.
God knows they wouldve been cleaner.
Valentine's Day is tomorrow.
- I know.
I already bought your gifts.
Roses and English toffee? Mmm hmm.
Just like always.
Yes.
And I suppose well make love tomorrow night, too.
That is our little tradition.
Good.
Im looking forward to it.
Are you looking forward to it? What? Well, its just that I know that I dont please you sexually, so I was wondering if you really were looking forward to being with me.
Oh, for god's sake.
- Im sorry, Rex.
I thought I could pretend that this doesnt upset me anymore, but I can't.
Please dont do this.
- You had an affair.
You went to another woman for sex to give you something I couldnt.
At least have the decency to tell me what that something is.
- Bree, I cant.
Why not? Rex, please tell me.
Let me prove to you how much I love you.
I like to be dominated.
Huh? - Sexually.
Huh? - Never mind.
Rex, please, I want to understand.
Please, mistress, no! - Quiet, slave.
Yes, mistress, yes, yes.
- Turn your head.
Don't look at me.
But, mistress! - On your knees now.
Right now! Tighten your cuffs.
Tighten 'em.
- Yes, mistress.
Do it now.
- Yes.
Head down.
- Yes.
Ow! Yes! Ow! Yes! Place the nightstick in your mouth.
Tight! - Yes, mistress.
Yes! Well? What the hell did your mother do to you? What? Well, come on, this just reeks of unresolved childhood trauma.
This has nothing to do with my mother, Bree, this is a preference.
Its a perversion.
For god's sake, you promised to be supportive.
What do you want me to say? "My husband likes to wear metal clamps around his nipples, hooray!"? I want you to say youll try it.
Just once.
Try what? Hurting you? You actually want me to hurt you? - So I can feel pleasure, yes.
Fine.
So? Was it good for you too? Mike wants babies.
What? He wants to have kids, and he had that look that men get, that says "Im ready to procreate, point me to the nearest cervix.
" And I take it this is a problem? Oh, I cant have another baby.
I mean Im so grateful I had you, you know I dont regret a minute of that, but I found it to be completely overwhelming.
Sometimes I even wonder how I got through it.
You and me both.
So, have you told Mike how you feel? - Oh, I cant tell him.
This could be a deal breaker.
Julie, I really love him.
I dont want to lose him.
Maybe youre overreacting.
I bet hed rather have you then a baby.
What if he doesnt? Then thats something you need to know.
Susan shouldnt have been so worried.
Children were the last thing on Mikes mind.
He was too busy searching for answers in all the wrong places.
Please You got lucky.
Didnt hit anything major.
Noahs getting impatient.
- Well, you can tell Noah Im getting closer.
Thats her, isnt it? - Yeah.
Hard to believe a kid from such a good family could get so messed up.
I met somebody who recognized her photo.
I think she rented a room over on Pine Avenue.
I was checking out houses when Hey, Mike, its me.
Are you there? Pick up.
Hello? Okay, I know your home your lights are on.
Look, I really need to talk to you about something, uh.
You know what? Im just gonna stop by.
No, hey, hey Im here.
Ow! Are you okay? Yup.
Yeah, I just stubbed my toe.
Oh, um, so can I come over? I really need to talk to you about something.
Actually, I got a buddy over here right now.
Um, can it wait until dinner tomorrow? Its kind of important.
Um, yeah I guess it can wait.
So Ill see you at seven? - All right.
Im counting the minutes.
You should take it easy for the next few days.
I cant cancel.
The last thing I need is for her to get suspicious.
Maybe its my dementia, but I still havent found my purple wall clock.
Nobody in my family knows or cares where your stupid clock is.
Oh, and by the way, will you tell your little criminals to get their bikes out of the street? Oh, Ill get it.
- No, dont you dare.
Well move it when you say please.
Please.
OK, Lynette, let's not go crazy.
Even though it was Mrs.
McCluskey who had officially declared war, it was Lynette who decided to deliver the opening salvo.
Youre going to clean that up.
Think so? - Yes.
Yes, the war of Wisteria Lane would indeed prove to be messy for everyone involved.
Pardon me, pardon me.
We were wondering what the coil count was on this one.
PLEASE DO NOT TALK TO MODEL Oh.
Sorry.
What is this? People keep coming and talking to me asking me questions.
That is not my job.
Well.
You dont have to be rude.
I am not a mattress sales person.
Is there something wrong with being a mattress sales person? Is it beneath you or something? - Honestly, yes.
I am a model.
You know what, your agent warned me that you were a diva, and he was right.
You wont talk to the customers, you bitch about the coffee, and you wouldnt even chip in for Hazels birthday cake.
I just met the woman today.
That didnt stop you from havin' a piece.
Im sorry, but I dont want someone around my store that's not a team player.
Oh no, no, no, wait, wait.
- Youre fired, princess.
- No! I need to know if my policy covers it.
No, my car actually wasnt involved.
It was my neighbor's car.
But the egg was mine.
Uh huh.
Can I please speak to your supervisor? Honey? Would you come out here? What? Look what I found stashed in the boys' playhouse.
Please tell me thats not a purple wall clock.
Pack your bags.
Were moving.
VACATIONS 1980-82 - SCHOOL - WEDDING - VACATIONS 1983-86 - PETS - CAR ACCIDENT 92 - FAMILY - CHILDHOOD - FAMILY VOLUNTEER STAFF 1987 DOROTHY DRAKE REHABILITATION HOUSE Discouraged over losing her job, Gabrielle decided a makeover would be the perfect cure for her depression.
It was after finding a moisturizer she couldnt afford that it finally occurred to Gabrielle.
Perhaps it was her pride that needed a makeover.
Excuse me, Miss? You forgot to give me my receipt.
Oh, right.
Oh, here.
Here you go.
Thank you.
Come again.
Mrs.
Solis? Oh, god.
Hello.
Hello, Yao Lin.
How are you? Good.
Very good.
I wanted to call you.
I felt terrible about how we left things.
I need lipstick.
Okay but - Now.
You must be loving this, huh? Having me serve you must be a dream come true.
Cant complain.
Thats the difference between you and me, Yao Lin.
Our dreams.
Close your eyes, please.
Thank you.
You see I dreamed of pulling myself up from nothing, and I did.
I dreamed about the things I wanted and I got them all.
A high powered career, a handsome husband, an extravagant house.
So, this is just a blip in the radar for me.
Because now, I know what Im capable of and if I did it once, I can do it again.
Im never really down, Yao Lin, even when it looks like I am.
So, enjoy this moment, enjoy your dream, because for you it doesnt get any better then this.
There.
Dont you look beautiful.
Right this way.
Everything okay? Oh yeah, this dress is just riding up as it is.
If I walk any faster itll be happy Valentine's Day for everyone.
Especially me.
Thank you.
Excuse me, Miss? I am so sorry! Is everyone okay? Oh, oh.
Thank you.
Thank you! Oh, ma'am, your napkin.
- Dont even think about it.
Oh, thats so wonderful what you wrote, thank you.
Okay, Im not gonna be any kind of company until I get something off my chest.
Do you remember the other day when you said that you wanted to have kids? - Mm hmm.
Heres the thing, I dont think Im ready to have another baby.
I think we need to have a serious conversation.
Sure.
Im not going over there.
- Yes you are.
No.
I can deal with the humiliation of going around the neighborhood returning everything they stole, but please dont make me apologize to that woman.
This is what it means to be a good neighbor, finding ways of getting along instead of hurling an egg at them.
But why do I have to apologize? Why dont we just go: "Oh, now were even" and we'll start from scratch.
OK, if the "being a pleasant human being" argument doesnt fly with you, well try a "self preservation".
What if she wakes up in the middle of the night, the house is on fire - you dont want her to call 911? If our house catches fire, I guarantee you she's the one that started it.
My point is, the day will come when we need her help and I dont want her not to help us just because of some silly feud.
Fine, Ill do it.
Wow, thank you.
Whoever came up with the motto "Love thy neighbor" clearly lived nowhere near Karen McCluskey.
Yes, well, on Valentines Day the only motto that really matters is "Love thy husband".
Really? I recall no such motto.
I understand why you would want to have kids, but that chapter of my life is just closed.
I dont think I can go back there.
And so, given the way I feel and given the way I think you feel Oh god, youre not taking this well.
Oh I was afraid of this.
- Um.
What? I've got to go.
What? Im sorry.
I dont believe this.
Youre leaving without even trying to talk me into having your baby? I mean how do you know I wouldn't cave.
I always cave.
Mike?! Good night.
- Night.
So, how does this domination thing work? So theres nothing to be afraid of.
I mostly will be constructing simple scenarios and acting them out.
So, its like were in a little play.
Sort of.
And if things do get too rough well have a control word.
If one of us says it, the other backs off immediately.
Okay.
So whats our control word? Well, lately Ive been using Philadelphia.
Whats wrong? Well its just that my Aunt Fern lives in Philadelphia and I dont want to be thinking about her while Im spanking you with a leather strap.
Okay.
Fine.
You pick a control word.
Um, how about Boise? Boise? - Whats the matter with Boise? Were going to be doing psychological role playing here, Bree, and a funny word like Boise would ruin the mood.
We need something that sounds serious.
Hmm.
How about Palestine? Boise will be just fine.
So I guess we should, uh, get started.
What do you want me to do? Handcuff me to the bed.
Bree, you are not going to regret taking this journey with me.
This is going to infuse our marriage with more passion then you could imagine.
You just have to trust me.
I do.
Would you mind if I ran these through the dishwasher once? Sure.
You can wait here.
You can go in to see him as soon as the doctor's finished.
Oh, okay.
Thanks.
Can you believe that story? Please.
Theres no way that gun shot wound was self-inflicted.
Funny how he cant seem to remember who stitched him up.
Well, the police are on their way to talk to him.
Let them sort it out.
Sorry about ruining dinner.
Ah, please.
Im just glad youre okay.
So, you shot yourself? Pretty lame, huh? I was cleaning my automatic and I was too embarrassed to tell you.
Well, I could see why you would be.
I know it sounds crazy.
I just couldnt let myself ruin your Valentine's Day.
But I heard what you said at the restaurant about not wanting kids.
- We dont have to talk about that now.
Oh, Susan, I just want to be with you above everything else.
If that means not being a dad I may be stupid enough to shoot myself, but Im not stupid enough to walk away from you.
You know that, right? Yeah.
Im gonna go outside and let you rest for a while.
Thanks.
For being so understanding.
Mr.
Delfino, Im Officer Russell, this is Officer Walters.
We'd like to ask you a few questions.
What do you want? The boys have something theyd like to say to you.
I have some tea heating on the stove.
Perhaps you'd better come inside, boys.
What about you, Lynette? D'you have anything to say? No.
Ill just wait out here.
Suit yourself.
You boys want some peanut brittle? Go ahead.
Dont get any crumbs on my floor.
Move over.
Okay.
Go ahead, make with the apology.
Were sorry.
Thats it, huh? Didnt you know that stealing is wrong? How old are you anyway? Were 6.
And how old are you? - 5.
Well, your mother just pops 'em out, doesnt she? How old are you? How old do you think? Hurry up and eat your peanut brittle.
Who's that? Thats my little boy.
Where does he live? He died when he was 12.
How come? He got sick.
He was a little terror like you three.
You wouldve liked him.
Now, are you done with the peanut brittle? Let's go.
Now, I want to say something to you before you go.
What you did was wrong, but its nice that you wanted to get a present for your mom for Valentine's Day.
Nobody is ever gonna love you like your mother.
All right, lets go.
Get the hell out of my house.
In her heart, Lynette knew she would probably never love her neighbor, never realizing that love was the one thing she and her neighbor had in common.
Hey.
- Hey, Lynette.
Um - Whats wrong? My kids have been on kind of a thieving jag, stealing stuff from around the neighborhood.
Im so sorry.
I know, theyre being punished.
Probably for life.
But I needed you to see something.
They said they stole it from Mikes garage.
From inside his work bench.
Your Mike.
So? Read the engraving.
Is that blood? I dont know.
What does this mean? I dont know.
Its impossible to grasp just how powerful love is.
It can sustain us through trying times or motivate us to make extraordinary sacrifices.
It can force decent men to commit the darkest deeds or compel ordinary women to search for hidden truths.
And long after were gone, love remains burned into our memories.
We all search for love, but some of us, after we found it, wish we hadnt.
- Sometimes I'm running out of money.
In a couple of weeks, I will be screwed.
- In that case, you might want to think about looking for a job.
- the answers If you could just tell me what he told you, then I could fix the problem.
- I can't do that.
- to Life's biggest questions - I had the nightmare again.
- What do you think the significance of the name Angela is? - Actually, that's my real name.
- are buried - She hasn't even been dead a month, and it's like you totally forgot she ever existed.
- under even bigger lies.
- Zach was telling Julie about what happened to Dana.
He didn't mean to kill Dana.
Most mothers will tell you their children are a gift from god.
Most mothers would also tell you that the gifts their children give them are less than heavenly.
Lynette had suffered through art work made in kindergarten, spice racks made in summer camp, and jewelry made at the scout jamboree.
But this day, Lynette Scavo received a gift every mother dreams of.
One she wasnt embarrassed to display.
- Where did you guys get this pot? - We made it! Really? I love it.
This is the nicest present you boys had ever given me.
You know what? Ill put it out on the front porch so the whole neighborhood can enjoy it.
Lynette knew shed cherish the memory of that moment for the rest of her life.
The memory of that moment was ruined the very next day.
Mrs.
McCluskey, why are you taking my flower pot? Because its mine.
Your boys stole it off of my porch.
No, no, no.
My sons made that for me for Valentine's Day.
I bought this in Costa Rica on my last cruise.
You see? Still got the price tag on it.
Look.
What? Nothing more to say? Cat got your tongue? You listen to me.
Keep your brats off my property.
Yes, most mothers will tell you their children are a gift from God.
Most mothers will also tell you there are some days when you wish you could return them.
Episode 14 - Love is in the air It was the day before Valentine's Day and every man on Wisteria Lane was preparing for this most dangerous of holidays.
While some purchased romantic cards and some brought home candy and flowers and some made dinner reservations at fancy restaurants, others managed to forget about the day entirely.
Again.
This flurry of activity was lost on the women of Wisteria Lane.
They were busy learning a secret about their neighbors.
A secret that was positively heart-breaking.
- So Paul said that Zachary killed Dana? - Yeah.
Well, it mustve been some sort of accident.
I mean little boys dont just kill their baby sisters.
Well, whatever it was, that boy is seriously disturbed, and I've forbidden Julie from hanging out with him.
So this is it! This is the secret that Mary Alice was trying to protect.
Look at the guilt that she mustve lived with.
You know, I never thought Id say this, but I kind of feel sorry for Paul.
I wish I could.
I still feel like somethings not right.
- What do you mean? Well, weve all been in their house.
Have you ever seen a picture of another kid there? I mean, why keep Danas baby blanket and throw out all the photos? Thats a good point.
Weve never answered why Mary Alice referred to herself as Angela in that therapy session.
All I know is this: Mary Alice loved Zach more than anything in the world.
When you love a child that much Youre capable of doing all sorts of things.
Yeah.
Hello.
These were delivered to my house by mistake.
May I? Theyre for Mary Alice Young.
Oh my god.
I uh, had a standing order with the florist.
I forgot to cancel it.
Mary Alice was my wife.
She passed away a few months ago.
Im very sorry for your loss.
And Im sorry for yours.
- Pardon? Your sister.
Martha? Oh, yes.
Her.
Good lord, thats Angela.
What? Angela Forest! We worked together it Utah.
It must be 15 years ago.
Im afraid you're mistaken.
My wifes name is Mary Alice and shes never been to Utah.
Well, I could be mistaken.
As I said, it's been years.
No Mikki, youre wrong.
I wasnt acting like a diva.
I left the boat show because that coordinator was making passes at me.
Its not my fault.
Yao Lin? You missed a spot.
No, spare me the lecture and just book me another job quick.
Carlos and I are up to our asses in bills and we can't pay them.
Fine.
Bye.
What did you say? Nothing.
Are you gonna clean that spot? Which one? The one I told you to clean.
I'll get to it.
Clean it now.
Why? Because I said so.
Okay, but youve got to say please.
Fine.
Please.
Anything to get you back on your knees scrubbing where you belong.
You are not better than me.
Excuse me? The only reason you have anything in your life is because youre pretty.
One day youll be old, and when that happens youll be nothing.
You are so fired.
No kidding.
Ooh.
Valentine's Day card.
Its pretty.
And meticulously hand painted.
Whoever sent you that must really love you.
And be loaded with talent.
Its beautiful.
Thanks.
So are we still on for tomorrow night? Oh.
Not only are we on, I got reservations at La Petite Fleur.
Ooh.
That place is so pretentious.
Ive been dying to go there.
Boys! Get your little fannies inside.
Guys? Oh, poor Lynette.
She doesnt get a new nanny soon, shes gonna implode.
Hey guys.
Who you hiding from? Our mom.
She wants to spank us.
Why, did you do something bad? Well, if you hide out too long, shell get worried.
And then shell just get madder.
You know what I say? Go on home, take your lumps.
Decent chance youll have the rest of the day to play.
Come on, climb aboard.
All right! Pretty impressive.
Oh, I love kids.
Cant wait to have my own some day.
- We dont want to get spanked.
- Yeah, we promise well be good.
Too late, you stole.
And then you lied.
Even worse: You made me look bad in front of Mrs.
McCluskey, who you know is Mommy's sworn enemy.
Time to pick your poison.
How about a belt? Its a classic.
Well, we could go with the old hickory stick.
Its a cliché, but its pretty effective.
I know, well go with the spatula.
The holes give it less wind resistance.
Moves faster.
No! Guys! My hands are tied.
Thieves get spanked.
Just the way it works.
- Unless - Unless what? For a first time offense, if you swear, cross your heart, that you will never, never steal again, and you write Mrs.
McCluskey a letter of apology, - I will let it slide.
- OK, OK.
We swear! All right, start with "Dear Mrs.
McCluskey.
" Mommy, why are you smiling? - Do you know what psychological warfare means? - No.
Well, too bad for you.
OK, start with a big M, little c.
Good.
Rex and I are hosting a dinner party for 10 next week.
Were using our best china and serving duck.
- So, you and Rex are a couple again? - Yes.
You know thats one of the things I hated most about our separation: Not being able to throw dinner parties.
Theres just something so civilized and elegant about them, dont you think? I take it youve resolved your feelings about his infidelity? Lets just say that I put them in an imaginary box and dont plan on looking at them for a while.
Do you think thats the healthiest way to achieve a reconciliation? Well, it wont be easy at first.
Therell be a lot of forced smiles and perfunctory love making, but after a few decades whiz by Im sure Ill find a way to forgive him.
Well, as long as you have a plan.
I do want to forgive him Doctor Goldfine, but theres something hes still not telling me.
Really? I think it has something to do with why he had the affair.
- Have you confronted him? - Once.
And you shouldve seen the look in his eyes.
He was terrified that Id figure it out.
You know what it is, dont you? Bree, I can't discuss other patients.
I realize that.
This thing that hes hiding, is it bad? Oh, OK, um, maybe its better that I dont know.
Bree, how does this reconciliation have a chance if the two of you cant be honest about the innermost parts of your lives? Were, um, WASPs, Doctor Goldfine.
Not acknowledging the elephant in the room is what we do best.
Youd settle for that? A life filled with repression and denial? And the dinner parties.
Dont forget the dinner parties.
And uh, over there you got your Queens and, uh, your Quad Spring Series, and your Deluxe 1000s.
All the way to the Imperial Paradise.
Sweet racket huh? I swear sometimes I wake up in the morning and I cant believe Im the Siesta King.
Except for how I am.
Very impressive.
So, where does the photographer want me for the shoot? Uh, didnt your agent tell you? Theres no shoot.
Well, then what did you hire me for? Youve heard the expression "sex sales"? Thats where you come in.
Youre here to remind people that theres a lot of fun things they can do on a Siesta King mattress that dont involve sleep.
Get it? It is often said that good fences make good neighbors.
But as Lynette was about to discover, the fence might just need a little barbed wire if the neighbor is Mrs.
McCluskey.
Hey, what do you think you are doing? Get out of here.
Your little criminals snuck into my house and stole my wall clock.
What? It was a hand-painted purple and white wall clock.
My son made it.
- Are you sure you didnt misplace it? Youre getting up there in years, no offense, but you probably forget where you put things.
No offense, but you should be sterilized.
Look, my boys do not break into people's houses.
Sure, they may have stolen your flower pot, but you know they apologized for that.
They wrote a note.
Thats the coward's way out.
They shouldve come over and apologized in person.
You know what? This has been fun but now - You let those boys run wild! Toys all over the yard, theres bikes laying out in the street.
Its a disgrace.
- Get out of my house! Those boys wouldve been better off raised by wolves.
God knows they wouldve been cleaner.
Valentine's Day is tomorrow.
- I know.
I already bought your gifts.
Roses and English toffee? Mmm hmm.
Just like always.
Yes.
And I suppose well make love tomorrow night, too.
That is our little tradition.
Good.
Im looking forward to it.
Are you looking forward to it? What? Well, its just that I know that I dont please you sexually, so I was wondering if you really were looking forward to being with me.
Oh, for god's sake.
- Im sorry, Rex.
I thought I could pretend that this doesnt upset me anymore, but I can't.
Please dont do this.
- You had an affair.
You went to another woman for sex to give you something I couldnt.
At least have the decency to tell me what that something is.
- Bree, I cant.
Why not? Rex, please tell me.
Let me prove to you how much I love you.
I like to be dominated.
Huh? - Sexually.
Huh? - Never mind.
Rex, please, I want to understand.
Please, mistress, no! - Quiet, slave.
Yes, mistress, yes, yes.
- Turn your head.
Don't look at me.
But, mistress! - On your knees now.
Right now! Tighten your cuffs.
Tighten 'em.
- Yes, mistress.
Do it now.
- Yes.
Head down.
- Yes.
Ow! Yes! Ow! Yes! Place the nightstick in your mouth.
Tight! - Yes, mistress.
Yes! Well? What the hell did your mother do to you? What? Well, come on, this just reeks of unresolved childhood trauma.
This has nothing to do with my mother, Bree, this is a preference.
Its a perversion.
For god's sake, you promised to be supportive.
What do you want me to say? "My husband likes to wear metal clamps around his nipples, hooray!"? I want you to say youll try it.
Just once.
Try what? Hurting you? You actually want me to hurt you? - So I can feel pleasure, yes.
Fine.
So? Was it good for you too? Mike wants babies.
What? He wants to have kids, and he had that look that men get, that says "Im ready to procreate, point me to the nearest cervix.
" And I take it this is a problem? Oh, I cant have another baby.
I mean Im so grateful I had you, you know I dont regret a minute of that, but I found it to be completely overwhelming.
Sometimes I even wonder how I got through it.
You and me both.
So, have you told Mike how you feel? - Oh, I cant tell him.
This could be a deal breaker.
Julie, I really love him.
I dont want to lose him.
Maybe youre overreacting.
I bet hed rather have you then a baby.
What if he doesnt? Then thats something you need to know.
Susan shouldnt have been so worried.
Children were the last thing on Mikes mind.
He was too busy searching for answers in all the wrong places.
Please You got lucky.
Didnt hit anything major.
Noahs getting impatient.
- Well, you can tell Noah Im getting closer.
Thats her, isnt it? - Yeah.
Hard to believe a kid from such a good family could get so messed up.
I met somebody who recognized her photo.
I think she rented a room over on Pine Avenue.
I was checking out houses when Hey, Mike, its me.
Are you there? Pick up.
Hello? Okay, I know your home your lights are on.
Look, I really need to talk to you about something, uh.
You know what? Im just gonna stop by.
No, hey, hey Im here.
Ow! Are you okay? Yup.
Yeah, I just stubbed my toe.
Oh, um, so can I come over? I really need to talk to you about something.
Actually, I got a buddy over here right now.
Um, can it wait until dinner tomorrow? Its kind of important.
Um, yeah I guess it can wait.
So Ill see you at seven? - All right.
Im counting the minutes.
You should take it easy for the next few days.
I cant cancel.
The last thing I need is for her to get suspicious.
Maybe its my dementia, but I still havent found my purple wall clock.
Nobody in my family knows or cares where your stupid clock is.
Oh, and by the way, will you tell your little criminals to get their bikes out of the street? Oh, Ill get it.
- No, dont you dare.
Well move it when you say please.
Please.
OK, Lynette, let's not go crazy.
Even though it was Mrs.
McCluskey who had officially declared war, it was Lynette who decided to deliver the opening salvo.
Youre going to clean that up.
Think so? - Yes.
Yes, the war of Wisteria Lane would indeed prove to be messy for everyone involved.
Pardon me, pardon me.
We were wondering what the coil count was on this one.
PLEASE DO NOT TALK TO MODEL Oh.
Sorry.
What is this? People keep coming and talking to me asking me questions.
That is not my job.
Well.
You dont have to be rude.
I am not a mattress sales person.
Is there something wrong with being a mattress sales person? Is it beneath you or something? - Honestly, yes.
I am a model.
You know what, your agent warned me that you were a diva, and he was right.
You wont talk to the customers, you bitch about the coffee, and you wouldnt even chip in for Hazels birthday cake.
I just met the woman today.
That didnt stop you from havin' a piece.
Im sorry, but I dont want someone around my store that's not a team player.
Oh no, no, no, wait, wait.
- Youre fired, princess.
- No! I need to know if my policy covers it.
No, my car actually wasnt involved.
It was my neighbor's car.
But the egg was mine.
Uh huh.
Can I please speak to your supervisor? Honey? Would you come out here? What? Look what I found stashed in the boys' playhouse.
Please tell me thats not a purple wall clock.
Pack your bags.
Were moving.
VACATIONS 1980-82 - SCHOOL - WEDDING - VACATIONS 1983-86 - PETS - CAR ACCIDENT 92 - FAMILY - CHILDHOOD - FAMILY VOLUNTEER STAFF 1987 DOROTHY DRAKE REHABILITATION HOUSE Discouraged over losing her job, Gabrielle decided a makeover would be the perfect cure for her depression.
It was after finding a moisturizer she couldnt afford that it finally occurred to Gabrielle.
Perhaps it was her pride that needed a makeover.
Excuse me, Miss? You forgot to give me my receipt.
Oh, right.
Oh, here.
Here you go.
Thank you.
Come again.
Mrs.
Solis? Oh, god.
Hello.
Hello, Yao Lin.
How are you? Good.
Very good.
I wanted to call you.
I felt terrible about how we left things.
I need lipstick.
Okay but - Now.
You must be loving this, huh? Having me serve you must be a dream come true.
Cant complain.
Thats the difference between you and me, Yao Lin.
Our dreams.
Close your eyes, please.
Thank you.
You see I dreamed of pulling myself up from nothing, and I did.
I dreamed about the things I wanted and I got them all.
A high powered career, a handsome husband, an extravagant house.
So, this is just a blip in the radar for me.
Because now, I know what Im capable of and if I did it once, I can do it again.
Im never really down, Yao Lin, even when it looks like I am.
So, enjoy this moment, enjoy your dream, because for you it doesnt get any better then this.
There.
Dont you look beautiful.
Right this way.
Everything okay? Oh yeah, this dress is just riding up as it is.
If I walk any faster itll be happy Valentine's Day for everyone.
Especially me.
Thank you.
Excuse me, Miss? I am so sorry! Is everyone okay? Oh, oh.
Thank you.
Thank you! Oh, ma'am, your napkin.
- Dont even think about it.
Oh, thats so wonderful what you wrote, thank you.
Okay, Im not gonna be any kind of company until I get something off my chest.
Do you remember the other day when you said that you wanted to have kids? - Mm hmm.
Heres the thing, I dont think Im ready to have another baby.
I think we need to have a serious conversation.
Sure.
Im not going over there.
- Yes you are.
No.
I can deal with the humiliation of going around the neighborhood returning everything they stole, but please dont make me apologize to that woman.
This is what it means to be a good neighbor, finding ways of getting along instead of hurling an egg at them.
But why do I have to apologize? Why dont we just go: "Oh, now were even" and we'll start from scratch.
OK, if the "being a pleasant human being" argument doesnt fly with you, well try a "self preservation".
What if she wakes up in the middle of the night, the house is on fire - you dont want her to call 911? If our house catches fire, I guarantee you she's the one that started it.
My point is, the day will come when we need her help and I dont want her not to help us just because of some silly feud.
Fine, Ill do it.
Wow, thank you.
Whoever came up with the motto "Love thy neighbor" clearly lived nowhere near Karen McCluskey.
Yes, well, on Valentines Day the only motto that really matters is "Love thy husband".
Really? I recall no such motto.
I understand why you would want to have kids, but that chapter of my life is just closed.
I dont think I can go back there.
And so, given the way I feel and given the way I think you feel Oh god, youre not taking this well.
Oh I was afraid of this.
- Um.
What? I've got to go.
What? Im sorry.
I dont believe this.
Youre leaving without even trying to talk me into having your baby? I mean how do you know I wouldn't cave.
I always cave.
Mike?! Good night.
- Night.
So, how does this domination thing work? So theres nothing to be afraid of.
I mostly will be constructing simple scenarios and acting them out.
So, its like were in a little play.
Sort of.
And if things do get too rough well have a control word.
If one of us says it, the other backs off immediately.
Okay.
So whats our control word? Well, lately Ive been using Philadelphia.
Whats wrong? Well its just that my Aunt Fern lives in Philadelphia and I dont want to be thinking about her while Im spanking you with a leather strap.
Okay.
Fine.
You pick a control word.
Um, how about Boise? Boise? - Whats the matter with Boise? Were going to be doing psychological role playing here, Bree, and a funny word like Boise would ruin the mood.
We need something that sounds serious.
Hmm.
How about Palestine? Boise will be just fine.
So I guess we should, uh, get started.
What do you want me to do? Handcuff me to the bed.
Bree, you are not going to regret taking this journey with me.
This is going to infuse our marriage with more passion then you could imagine.
You just have to trust me.
I do.
Would you mind if I ran these through the dishwasher once? Sure.
You can wait here.
You can go in to see him as soon as the doctor's finished.
Oh, okay.
Thanks.
Can you believe that story? Please.
Theres no way that gun shot wound was self-inflicted.
Funny how he cant seem to remember who stitched him up.
Well, the police are on their way to talk to him.
Let them sort it out.
Sorry about ruining dinner.
Ah, please.
Im just glad youre okay.
So, you shot yourself? Pretty lame, huh? I was cleaning my automatic and I was too embarrassed to tell you.
Well, I could see why you would be.
I know it sounds crazy.
I just couldnt let myself ruin your Valentine's Day.
But I heard what you said at the restaurant about not wanting kids.
- We dont have to talk about that now.
Oh, Susan, I just want to be with you above everything else.
If that means not being a dad I may be stupid enough to shoot myself, but Im not stupid enough to walk away from you.
You know that, right? Yeah.
Im gonna go outside and let you rest for a while.
Thanks.
For being so understanding.
Mr.
Delfino, Im Officer Russell, this is Officer Walters.
We'd like to ask you a few questions.
What do you want? The boys have something theyd like to say to you.
I have some tea heating on the stove.
Perhaps you'd better come inside, boys.
What about you, Lynette? D'you have anything to say? No.
Ill just wait out here.
Suit yourself.
You boys want some peanut brittle? Go ahead.
Dont get any crumbs on my floor.
Move over.
Okay.
Go ahead, make with the apology.
Were sorry.
Thats it, huh? Didnt you know that stealing is wrong? How old are you anyway? Were 6.
And how old are you? - 5.
Well, your mother just pops 'em out, doesnt she? How old are you? How old do you think? Hurry up and eat your peanut brittle.
Who's that? Thats my little boy.
Where does he live? He died when he was 12.
How come? He got sick.
He was a little terror like you three.
You wouldve liked him.
Now, are you done with the peanut brittle? Let's go.
Now, I want to say something to you before you go.
What you did was wrong, but its nice that you wanted to get a present for your mom for Valentine's Day.
Nobody is ever gonna love you like your mother.
All right, lets go.
Get the hell out of my house.
In her heart, Lynette knew she would probably never love her neighbor, never realizing that love was the one thing she and her neighbor had in common.
Hey.
- Hey, Lynette.
Um - Whats wrong? My kids have been on kind of a thieving jag, stealing stuff from around the neighborhood.
Im so sorry.
I know, theyre being punished.
Probably for life.
But I needed you to see something.
They said they stole it from Mikes garage.
From inside his work bench.
Your Mike.
So? Read the engraving.
Is that blood? I dont know.
What does this mean? I dont know.
Its impossible to grasp just how powerful love is.
It can sustain us through trying times or motivate us to make extraordinary sacrifices.
It can force decent men to commit the darkest deeds or compel ordinary women to search for hidden truths.
And long after were gone, love remains burned into our memories.
We all search for love, but some of us, after we found it, wish we hadnt.