Mike & Molly s01e14 Episode Script

Isn't this great? A hot bowl of soup and SportsCenter.
- Doesn't get better than this, does it? - Ha, ha.
Please tell me that's not true.
It's nice to be at that point in our relationship where we don't have to go out every night.
It's great that we're comfortable with each other but that doesn't mean we're never gonna leave the house.
Why would we? We're never gonna find a sports bar with soup this good.
Oh, classic moments in boxing.
Dear God, I'm gonna die here.
Hey, pancake.
Is your mom ready? Yes, Vince, she was ready over an hour ago.
What can I tell you? I was unavoidably detained.
What, they extend the 2-for-1 lap-dance special at the Boob Shack? Don't kid yourself.
That 2-for-1 deal's a racket.
They don't mean two broads.
They mean two songs.
You couldn't take a minute to call my mother? I was stuck in traffic.
Plus, I don't like cellular phones.
Read somewhere that it numbs your nads.
And at my age, boners are like money.
You really have no filter at all, do you? Ma, your prince charming's here! Oh, the Thrilla in Manila.
You know, I was there.
- Ali-Frazier fight.
Must've been amazing.
- Oh, yeah.
Manila's a great town.
For 20 bucks, you can get a broad, a silk suit and a steak the size of a fat baby.
Hey, Vin.
Don't you look handsome tonight? Ooh, and look at you.
If the couch potatoes weren't here, I'd take you on the rug right now.
Oh, by the way, have you thought about my offer? Vin wants to buy me breast implants.
Isn't that generous of him? Oh, yeah, always thinking of others.
Hey, I'll use them as much as she will.
- Night.
- Careful walking in those heels.
The only thing I want you pulling is me.
Unh, that man just repulses me.
Why? Why? Are you kidding me? He's a horny little piglet with a pinky ring.
My mom deserves a decent man who's loving and respectful and who pays attention to her.
Pow, there goes the mouthpiece! You know, like what I've got.
Now, that's more like it.
So I guess you're officially done courting me, huh? Look, tomorrow night, I promise, we'll go out to a nice dinner and a movie.
- Promise to keep your pants buttoned? - Boy, it's never enough with you, is it? What did I tell you? They haven't budged.
Well, we had a wonderful night.
- We ate Moroccan food.
- Oh.
A little spicy for my taste.
I hope it cools down before it bids me adieu.
And Vin knows the owner, so we got free lamb kabobs and a belly dancer came right up to our table.
Swell-looking broad.
A little long in the tooth but her rack hasn't completely tear-dropped yet.
What is it with you? Were you not breast-fed as a child? Hey, Vin, I'm gonna go up and run a hot bath and light a few candles, if you care to join me.
You kidding? Between the Viagra, the belly dancer and watching you eat with your fingers, I got enough lumber to build a coffee table.
Meet you upstairs.
Go ahead, start the engine.
I'll be up in a minute to back it out of the driveway.
What does that even mean? Hey, Mikey, if you're interested I got a couple extra Bull tickets for tomorrow night's game.
Against Boston? I thought that was sold out.
My Moroccan pal gave me his season tickets.
A little payback for getting him a deal on rat traps.
The quiet kind so they don't freak out the customers.
Oh, man, Bulls-Celtics, I'm in.
I thought you and I had plans for tomorrow night.
We can go to a movie anytime.
- We're talking about the Bulls and Celtics.
- Third row behind home bench.
And I rented a limo.
Oh, my God, third row behind home bench, and he rented a limo.
Consider it a thank-you for keeping the streets safe from all the perverts and scumbags.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go throw her mom one in the bathtub.
Where do you keep your gun? Is it at home or in the car? Can you believe this? Third row.
You're actually going? Well, there's two tickets.
We can both go.
No, I'm not taking anything from that man.
He's trying to worm his way into my family.
And what a great way to do it.
Third-row Bulls tickets.
Welcome to the family, Vince Moranto.
All right, if you feel comfortable taking what is clearly a bribe then, by all means, have a good time.
I'm a cop.
People give me stuff all the time and I don't do squat in return.
That's what would make it a bribe.
Well, I'm not going.
But if you wanna go, that's up to you.
You know what? Fine.
I won't go.
- Really? - Sure.
What the hell? It's just a basketball game, and I promised I'd take you to dinner and a movie.
Thank you.
I really appreciate that.
Oh, come on.
You're gonna hold me to that? - Oh, what are you reading? - Book.
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants? Yes.
Wow, you're already halfway through it.
Started in the middle.
A good book can grab you anywhere.
- Mike, I know you're upset with me.
- What makes you think that? - Because you're pretending to read.
- Hey, I can read.
I can't believe because you don't like Vince, I don't get to have any fun.
I just don't trust the guy.
And I'm guessing the minute he gets what he wants from my mom, he's out of here.
Oh, think your mom's been holding something back? Boy, that's not what I'm hearing through the walls.
Mike, listen to me.
I'm not telling you you can't go to that game.
- You're not? - No, that has to be your decision.
So whichever way I go, you'll be okay with that? That's my decision.
You're killing me.
Let me ask you a question.
We come in here all the time.
If we covered you in vinyl, we could use you as a booth.
And once in a while, you've been known to give us the occasional free meal.
And dessert, coffee to go, curbside service for when you're too lazy to button your pants and come inside.
Right, right.
And in exchange, have we ever given you any extra protection or surveillance? - I've never even heard a thank-you.
I rest my case.
I believe once, we were even robbed while you were eating your free oatmeal.
You see? Nobody can bribe Mike Biggs.
She doesn't like the guy.
I don't get to go to the game.
- Crazy, right? - Yeah, it's crazy.
But you're trying to approach this using common sense and that ain't the way women work.
When she told me she didn't care if I went to the game She meant if you do go to that game, don't bother coming home.
When you offer me a bite of your Dilly Bar I know you don't mean it and you don't want me to have it.
That's true.
I don't.
In relationships, it's all about solidarity.
Gotta like who she likes and hate who she hates.
Even if it makes absolutely no sense at all? Especially when it makes no sense.
That's when her convictions are the strongest.
I thought relationships were supposed to be give and take.
They are.
She gives you sex and you take whatever crazy BS she throws.
I guess the bottom line is I won't be sitting third row at tonight's Bulls game.
Third row? Oh, man, that must hurt like a bitch.
But still, you gotta back your lady no matter what.
I can't believe this.
I'm passing up two tickets to a Bulls-Celtics game.
Two tickets? Of course, there's another way to look at this thing.
Boy, that was a terrific dinner, honey.
I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Now you won't have to fill up on hot dogs at the game.
Always looking out for your man, huh? Every waking minute.
Sarcasm.
That That's never good.
You should've seen Carl's face when he found out we were going to the Bulls game.
- It just lit up.
- I bet it did.
See, for me, that's the joy of going to this thing.
You know, seeing how happy it makes Carl.
Oh.
Well, I hope you guys have fun tonight.
Molly, please.
I can't enjoy myself if I know you're upset.
Well, that's a shame.
You know, forget it.
I'm gonna tell those guys to go on without me.
If that's what you wanna do.
It's not what I wanna do.
I want you to say it's okay so I can get drunk, have a good time and not worry about coming home to that face right there.
Mike, come on.
Let's go.
- Have fun.
- Stop saying that.
Boy, you got a mean streak in you, sister.
Mikey, you sure I can't mix you a refreshing alcoholic concoction? Man makes a wicked lemon drop.
He even sugared the rim.
If Molly smells liquor on my breath, she'll think I had a good time.
You gotta snap out of it.
You're already in the doghouse, you might as well pee on the carpet.
Come on, have a little hooch.
Some of the best sex I've ever had involved liquor and anger.
I agree.
If she ain't mad, you ain't doing it right.
I guess one beer wouldn't hurt.
Attaboy.
Oh, and after the game, I was thinking we could pop into the locker room and say hi to some of the players.
You're kidding.
We get to meet the team? Yeah.
One of the trainers used to bang my cousin, so that kind of makes him family.
Did you hear that? We are gonna be in the locker room with Our Chicago Bulls.
- Salute.
- Ha-ha-ha.
Check this out.
Open sesame.
Whoa, moon roof.
Moon roof? I'm the king of the world.
Hey, punk, you better run.
See, now, back in the '70s we'd have to burn a whole nickel bag to get this ripped.
Did you smoke a lot of pot back then, Mom? Mm, you know, when I was pregnant, I couldn't drink and it really did help with the morning sickness.
Well, a lot has changed since then.
It's all scientific now.
Weed advancement really took off once the nerds got involved.
Well, hats off to those little four-eyed virgins.
Mm.
Now if we can just get them working on wrinkle cream and hair removal Absolutely.
Today's pubic hair technology really leaves much to be desired.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
We're losing that race to the Brazilians.
Oh, good.
Secondhand pot smoke and a table full of snacks.
It's an overeater's dream.
Do you wanna watch the basketball game with us? - No, thank you.
- Oh, come on.
Vince said if they point the camera at him, he's gonna stand up and cup his junk as kind of a secret hello.
Great.
Please tell me he's gonna be our new daddy.
Honey, I know you're not crazy about him but he's really a very sensitive and caring man.
Why? Because when he walks out of the bathroom, he announces the air quality? Listen, I've dated guys who didn't do that.
Trust me, it's better to know what you're walking into.
Is that Mike? No, that's the mascot.
Oh, you're right.
Mike doesn't have a tail, does he? Look, Mom, I just think you can do a lot better than that guy.
Come on, Molly.
You never like any of my boyfriends.
Remember Jerry, the housepainter? You made him cry.
I caught him stealing money from your purse.
That man was a sexual dynamo.
He earned every penny.
And thanks to you, our garage door is still only half yellow.
I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life.
It's just that I love you and I don't wanna see you get hurt.
Oh, sweetie, I appreciate you worrying about me but I'm just having a good time with the man.
Besides, I'm a big girl and I can take care of myself.
You're right.
Okay, it's your life.
If he makes you happy, that's what's That's what's important.
From now on, I am officially butting out.
Don't you dare.
Hey, look, Mom.
Vince is saying hello.
This was the greatest night of my life, seriously.
I'll probably have to lie to people and say it was my wedding day or the birth of my first child, but the three of us will know the truth.
Double overtime, Bulls win by two plus they scored over a hundred points, which means we all get Free chalupas! - I mean, it was a magical evening, right? - I don't know how to thank you, Vince.
Third row seats and we got to go into the locker room after? Boy, some of those guys were swinging the sausage, huh? Not that I was looking, but they were at eye level.
Yeah, I thought that one was gonna eat a peanut out of my hand.
- Dip down into the bucket, wash his back.
- Elephant trunk.
We got it at "peanut.
" Well, I'm glad you boys had a good time.
Maybe mention to your girlfriend that I'm not such a bad egg.
Oh, she doesn't think you're a bad egg.
She just thinks her mom is scraping the bottom of the barrel by dating you.
- But why? I treat Joyce like a queen.
- Hey, this isn't coming from me.
It's just that Molly thinks your intentions are less than honorable.
Look, I'm not gonna lie to you, I've loved many women but Joyce ain't like them other skanks.
She's smart, she's funny.
Plus, she can match me kink for kink in the boudoir.
Probably won't tell Molly about the kink part.
She might not see it as the compliment you intended.
Well, you know her better than I do.
So where to now, gents? The night is still young.
Well, I should probably head home.
Molly was pretty mad when I left.
We can't go home now.
We're drunk, we're in a limo.
Let's cruise past a nightclub with the windows down and tell everybody we're Earth, Wind & Fire.
You're kidding.
Do you remember The 21st night of September? Love was changing the minds Of pretenders While chasing the clouds away Hey, hey, hey Ba-de-ya Say, do you remember? Ba-de-ya Dancing in September Ba-de-ya Never was a cloudy day Thank you again for tonight.
It was very generous.
Hey, I'm sure if I ever got into a real jam like I was sitting on, say, 30 to 35 unpaid parking tickets you'd step up with a little quid pro quo.
- Yeah, I really don't do that type of thing.
- Ever? Molly, what are you doing up so late? Waiting for you.
Did you have fun tonight? - Are you gonna be mad if I say yes? - No.
It was awesome.
Best night of my life.
I mean, not as good as the night we met, but right up there.
And just so you know, he was a good boy tonight and the place was crawling with tail.
Hey, the boys are back.
Dollface, how are you? Sorry I gave you a hard time about going out tonight.
Yeah, it wasn't a very attractive side of you.
Just take the apology, pal.
Joyce, I want you to know that my intentions are honorable.
Vin, what are you doing on your knees? Please tell me he's having a heart attack.
- Joyce Meredith Flynn - "Marilyn.
" You gonna bust my stones over a middle name? I thought you were just having a good time together.
- We were.
- But I think it's time that I step up and let everyone know that Vincent Moranto is here to stay.
Is this what you had in mind, big guy? You told him to do this? I don't think so.
I don't know.
I don't feel good.
What do you say, Joyce? Will you have me? Mom, take your time and think about it.
Yes, Vince, I will marry you.
You took absolutely no time to think about that.
You've made me the happiest man in the world.
You gotta admit, it's kind of romantic.
Not seeing it? Night, everybody.
You look very pretty this morning.
Some might say radiant.
Don't, okay? You know, Molly, he's actually not a bad guy.
Can we just eat our breakfast and not talk? There they are.
Boy, I know what I'm getting you two for Christmas.
Chairs.
Hey, princess, I realize I'm not your real dad nor would I ever try to replace him That's good to know.
- But if you ever need anything, advice, tires, pantyhose, whatever I'm there for you.
I appreciate it.
And you, you got a real gem here and you're gonna have to start stepping up.
Take her out every once in a while, spend a little coin, shell out for a nice dinner.
Don't take her someplace just because you got a coupon for a free chalupa.
You know what? I think you're right.
That guy is annoying.
I don't know.
He's actually starting to grow on me.