The Golden Girls (1985) s01e14 Episode Script

Thank you for being a friend Traveled down the road and back again Your heart is true You're a pal and a confidante And if you threw a party Invited everyone you knew You would see the biggest gift would be from me And the card attached would say "Thank you for being a friend" Who was known as the world's fastest human being? - Dominic Tansey.
- It says Jesse Owens here.
Trust me, it was Dominic Tansey.
He got four women pregnant in one night.
Two in New York, two in New Jersey.
Girls, I am so excited! I am finally going to do something you've heard me talk about doing for years! You decided to install a trapeze over your bed.
- No.
Actually, I'm talking about this car.
- Oh, Blanche, it's beautiful! - Can you afford a car like this? - Only if I can unload my old one.
Oh, that won't be any problem.
That's a wonderful car.
Rose, you need a car.
Why don't you buy it? No, no, I couldn't sell my car to Rose.
She's my friend.
My great granddaddy always used to say, there are two things you never sell to a friend - a car and a slave.
'Cause if either one of them quits working, you'll never hear the end of it.
" 'Course they hanged my great granddaddy.
He said a lot of things he shouldn't have.
- What'll you give me for it? - Oh, I couldn't buy your car.
It's not my type.
I want a car that says "practical.
" Your car says "available.
" Well, just take off my personalized plates! Rose, I'll tell you what.
Take the car for two weeks.
- Oh - Just try it out.
If you don't absolutely love it, I'll take it back.
- Well - No questions asked.
What the heck, you only live once.
Might as well be daring! Rose, it's a used car - it's not a seat on the space shuttle.
Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello.
Blanche, I need you to give me a manicure.
Rose, I need you to lend me your pearls.
Ma, I need you to stay off my back.
What? What'd I do? I am going out with a new man tonight and he is not Italian.
- Oh, who is he, Dorothy? - Oh, his name is Glen O'Brien.
- Where'd you meet him? - His name is O'Brien.
Two to one, she met him at a gin mill.
He's a teacher at the school where I've been subbing.
- A gorgeous gym teacher.
- Ooh I noticed him a few times and today, as luck would have it, I found myself right behind him in the line in the cafeteria.
After I butted ahead of 25 students.
Anyway, we started talking and in 30 seconds, I was in love.
- And he asked you out? - Yes! We're going out to dinner tonight! I cannot believe how excited I am! I mean, he's practically a stranger, and I am crazy about him! I haven't felt this way about a man ever before.
Oh, honey, you've been hit by the thunderbolt! Love at first sight! It happened to me once.
Once? You've been hit by more lightning than the World Trade Center! - I was hit by the thunderbolt once.
- Probably a direct hit to the forehead.
It was the first time I saw my Charlie.
I was seven and he was eight.
It was a hot Minnesota summer and he had put up one of those little stands on the sidewalk.
- Selling lemonade.
- Insurance.
And I bought a nickel policy on my red wagon.
And right after that, my wagon was destroyed.
- How? - Some hogs trampled it.
I was hauling home a smoked ham for Mama and I think it set them off.
Anyway, that's when I fell in love with Charlie.
He paid for a new wagon - even though my policy didn't cover acts of swine.
"Acts of swine.
" - It's amazing.
- What's amazing? Oh, I don't know.
A lot of things.
- Like? - Like you.
- Hardly.
- Like me.
- Definitely.
- Like us.
These past three weeks have been amazing.
They have been pretty amazing.
It's amazing that I just made love in the daylight.
Why is that amazing? Can't hide anything in the daytime.
At night, I could be Godzilla, you'd be thrilled.
I'm thrilled, period.
Everything about you thrills me.
And that's amazing.
You know, every time you tell me you love me, I turn around to see who you're talking to.
I can't believe it.
Believe it.
I love you.
And everything that I used to worry about in you know I didn't worry about with you.
Like? Like, like, how do I look, how do I sound is my breath bad what's jiggling.
Well, let's see.
Oh, and you.
You are amazing.
You are warm and loving and caring and smart and funny and I don't have to wear flats when I go out with you.
I have an idea.
Let's cut school tomorrow and go to the Bahamas and not leave our hotel room until the board of health threatens us.
- I can't do it.
- Forget the Bahamas.
How about dinner? Dorothy, listen.
What? - I have to tell you something.
- What? What, what, what? - Oh, boy.
- Oh, God.
I'm married.
What? It's not a good marriage, Dorothy.
It was over years ago.
I can't believe this.
You lied to me.
No, I didn't lie.
I'm telling you now.
- I'm getting out of here.
- No.
- Let go of me.
- No, you got to listen.
- Please, you have to listen! - Listen to what, listen to what? How your wife doesn't understand you? How you stayed because of the children? I did stay for the children.
My wife would have moved them back to her home.
My kids would have been clear across the country.
I couldn't bear to lose them, so I stayed.
Your children are over 30.
You're still staying for them? I couldn't leave her because of all the things Look, I don't want to hear about it.
Oh, my God, I'm storming out to the bathroom.
Will you look at what we have? We make each other happy.
You lied to me.
I couldn't lie to you, that's why I told you.
Don't end this, Dorothy.
You mean everything to me.
It's over with my wife.
It's just hard to walk out, is all.
Well, not for me it isn't.
- Hi, girls.
- Hi, Rose.
Oh, Blanche, you remember a few days ago when I said your car was making a funny kind of a noise sometimes? - Uh-huh.
- It's making it all the time now.
It's nothing serious, I'm sure.
It started making a wheezing, coughing, rattling kind of a sound - every time it goes up a hill.
- Oh, that's a bad sign.
Those are the sounds Tony Triano made the night they wheeled him out of the home on a gurney.
That car's in terrific condition.
Sometimes it's a little hard to turn over in the morning.
Tony Triano to a T.
Maybe I should have a mechanic check it out.
Oh, Rose, wake up and smell the coffee.
An auto mechanic is the last person to take a car to.
They only make money if they tell you there's something wrong with it.
Oh, that's a good point.
Boy, I wish I had a car to sell.
(phone rings) I'll get it.
Hello? It's for Dorothy.
I think it's Glen.
That's the fourth time he's called today.
Well, you know what we're supposed to tell him.
Go on.
Hello? Dorothy's not home and she's never coming home again.
Now, don't call here anymore.
This is Rose, who's this? Mr.
Yamamoto from the school district? - Rose.
- I'm so sorry.
I thought you were the man Dorothy's having the affair with.
I mean, the man Dorothy said is always so fair with her.
Of course, I would expect you to be fair.
And polite.
And good at math.
I'm so glad you got your own Disneyland.
Oh, ah, thank you.
Goodbye.
Dorothy, Dorothy? Mr.
Yamamoto just called about a teaching job.
Oh, I'm not ready to go back to work yet.
Are you depressed about Glen? No, I'm depressed because Phyllis George left the morning news.
Of course I'm depressed about Glen.
For three weeks he made me the happiest woman in the world.
This past week without him has just been miserable.
At least you have the comfort of knowing you did the right thing.
Then why do I feel so rotten? Dorothy, he's married.
You have to forget him! - I can't just forget him! - Rose, come on.
None of us is a schoolgirl anymore.
Although, quite frankly, I am sometimes mistaken for one.
Oh, please, Blanche.
As long as Glen and Dorothy are realistic and discreet about their situation, - who are they really hurting? - No one.
That's who.
Blanche, are you condoning their behavior? No, I'm just not passing judgment.
Sometimes life doesn't work out the way we'd like it to.
Sometimes we have to just grab our happiness where we can get it.
That's the same attitude that broke up Debbie and Eddie Eddie and Liz.
Liz and Dick.
Martin and Lewis.
Rowan and Martin.
Shut up.
(phone ringing) Hello? Oh, hello Glen.
Hang up on that bed-hopper.
Don't hang up on him.
That man cares for you.
Hop, hop.
Go with your feelings.
Glen, I thought I told you I don't want to talk to you.
That's right.
If he wants to talk or hop, let him do it with his wife.
Don't deny your passion.
It's unnatural.
Look, Glen, you are making this very difficult for me! No, I will not change my mind.
Goodbye, Glen.
Oh, Dorothy, I'm proud of you.
You'll see, it's not the end of the world.
No, just feels like it.
Oh, I hope I'm doing the right thing.
You are if you really meant it when you said you never want to see him again.
Oh, come on.
Let's start supper.
Come on.
I'll be with you in a minute.
Glen? Dorothy.
Yeah, I miss you.
I think we have to talk.
Yes, yes, Mr.
Yamamoto, yes.
Fine, I'll see you there.
- Oh, I'm so glad you're going back to work.
- Yeah, he was thrilled, too.
- Dorothy? - What is this, the Spanish Inquisition? Look, I don't have to defend myself.
If I want to see Glen, I'll see Glen.
You're seeing Glen? I don't want to hear about it.
Well, I don't want to talk about it.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- What are you doing up so late? - I was hungry.
I was making myself a sandwich.
Do you want one? - No, thanks, we went out to dinner.
- Oh, that's nice.
So you spent the evening at dinner.
No, we spent dinner at dinner.
We spent the evening at a motel.
A motel? Dorothy! A cheap, tawdry, bare-bulb den of iniquity? We didn't drive to Sodom and Gomorrah, Rose.
It was a very pleasant place over on Biscayne Bay.
- I don't want to hear about it! - I don't want to talk about it.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Maybe I'll have something.
I was too nervous to eat much at dinner.
But I suppose the rest of the evening really built up an appetite.
Oh, hi! I didn't expect to see you girls up so late.
I'm just having a snack.
Dorothy's the one having an affair at a motel.
- Thank you, Rose.
- I just want to keep the record straight.
Besides, Blanche has had experience in that area.
- Maybe she can give you some advice.
- I certainly can.
In the first place, never check in as Mr.
and Mrs.
Smith.
Always check in as Mr.
and Mrs.
Don Shula.
What? That way, you always get a complimentary fruit basket and a bottle of champagne.
Good night.
- Dorothy's seeing Glen again.
- That's right.
And I don't need any advice.
I can handle it.
Dorothy, I had a third cousin who ran around with a married man - for 15 years.
- Are they still together? Well, they would be, but his wife shot him in the boxer shorts.
- And after that, he just kind of lost interest.
- (in unison) Iost interest.
- Evil is as evil does.
- Oh, will you stop being so judgmental! This is a situation you know nothing about! At least Blanche has been there and she knows what I'm going through.
Well, not exactly.
Actually, I've never been with a married man.
(both) Get out of here! No, it's true! I just never figured a relationship with a married man was worthwhile.
Good for you, Blanche.
Oh, I'm no fool.
The husband's always so guilty, he ends up giving the really expensive gifts to the wife! Look, I didn't choose for things to happen this way.
I tried to do the right thing, but the right thing was not right for me.
I'm in love.
And if there are sacrifices that have to be made, I can accept them.
I'm happy and that's what matters.
Hi, Ma.
So, you started up with your married man again.
- How did you know? - I'm the Amazing Kreskin.
- I was listening outside the door.
- Oh, Ma.
Oh, I can't put my ear to the door, but you can put your Ma! I raised you to have respect for yourself.
Not be somebody's floozy.
Purple rain Sophia, Sophia, where's Blanche? I have to talk to her about her car! Purple rain - Hi, Rose.
- Blanche, about your car.
- I went to the bank to get the money.
- I can't sell you that car.
- But, Blanche - Honey, I can't sleep from all the worry and guilt I have been suffering.
I wasn't totally honest with you.
I told you that car was in perfect condition.
Well, it's not.
It's a piece of junk.
It's the noisiest thing to come out of Detroit since Martha and the Vandellas.
When I went to trade it in, they only offered me half the blue book price.
I need the whole amount to put down on my new car, so that's why I tried to sell it to you.
But I can't go through with it! I cannot sell you that car! You can't sell it to anyone.
Somebody stole it.
- What? - Somebody stole Blanche's Very nice, Rose! I lend you a perfectly fine automobile, no strings attached, and you let some thief drive off in it! Rose Nylund, I will never forgive you! Wasn't it insured? They'll pay you full blue book.
All is forgiven! I'm gonna go call the car dealer right now and tell him he made a sale.
Blanche, was the gist of what you were saying before - that you intended to cheat me? - Cheat you? Rose, you just analyze everything to death! Ma, where are my shoes? Another date with Mrs.
O'Brien's husband? Now look, don't you start with me.
I will continue to see Glen for as long as I please! Is he gonna leave his wife? Ma, Ma, for the first time in a long time, I am really happy.
So please, leave me alone! If you're so happy, how come I hear you pacing in your room night after night? I can't sleep.
I have a lot on my mind.
I'll tell you what's on your mind.
You hate yourself.
- I do not.
- My mistake.
I've only known you since the day you were born.
Look, I've heard enough, Ma.
I'm leaving now to meet Glen - and have a perfectly marvelous time.
- I hope he's taking you bowling.
- Bowling? - Yeah, you could rent shoes there.
If you want to grab some dinner, we'll have to take separate cars.
I'm gonna have to leave for home right from the restaurant.
Glen, forget dinner.
We need to talk.
Things aren't working out anymore and I don't know what to do to make them any better.
You can't leave your wife and I'm not cut out to be the other woman.
- Dorothy, you know I love you.
- I know that.
But it's not enough.
- I don't want to lose you.
- I don't want to lose you either.
That's why I came back.
I thought you understood.
I can't break up my marriage! Not now, not at this stage of my life.
If things didn't work out between you and me, I'd be alone.
That kind of risk is fine when you're 40, but I couldn't do it today.
I'm too old for that, Dorothy.
Glen, the risk shouldn't scare you at any age.
And at any age, the loving would make it worthwhile.
You want a safe, easy, comfortable home life and a romance and excitement on the side and it's not for me.
Please think about what you're throwing away.
If I stay, I am throwing away my future.
Now I'll go home.
I'll hurt.
But after awhile, I'll feel better and I'll go on with my life.
If I continue this, I'll end up alone.
And I care too much about myself to let that happen.
Dorothy, I love you.
I love you too.
Goodbye.
- Hi, Ma.
- You're home early.
I broke up with Glen.
I told him I couldn't see him anymore.
- I'm sorry.
- I thought you'd be happy.
You want me to be happy? Help me put away the dishes.
- You still angry with me? - I was never really angry.
I was worried.
I don't like seeing you in pain.
- Still angry with me? - What for? For trying to stop your daughter from making a mistake? Somebody has to.
You kids get to be middle-aged, you think you know everything! I don't care what you say, you were speeding! I tell you, that is not why that highway patrolman was following us! (Dorothy) Oh, Blanche, please.
Dorothy? Oh, I thought you were out.
No, we ended the evening early.
- You and Glen have a disagreement? - Yeah, he thinks he should stay married.
You mean it's over? Look, we just came back to pick Sophia up.
Blanche got her new car! Yeah, and we're gonna all pile in and go cruising.
- Do you want to go with us? - No, I think I'll just stay home tonight.
I feel, you know, just like sitting.
Me too.
I think I'll have a cup of tea.
It's kind of late.
I'm a little tired.
I think I'll just stick around.
Oh, what the heck.
That car will still be there tomorrow.
Boy, this is depressing! Girls, let's go cruising.
I know a place where guys wrestle naked in the mud!