The King of Queens s01e14 Episode Script

Arthur, will you come away from the window already? The new neighbours are moving in.
Just wanna get a look at them.
Oh, yeah.
There they are.
Gay couple.
Big, strapping fellows.
Those are the movers.
Gay movers, huh? Everybody's got a gimmick these days.
You reading that? Yes, that's why I'm holding it up to my face.
Sorry.
Carry on.
Not gonna work.
Okay, here you go.
Just take this, all right? Funnies, huh? Haven't read these in 40 years.
Well, let's just see what the "Katzenjammer Kids" are up to.
"Family Circus.
" Hey, Doug, can I read this to you? Not again, thanks.
- That's odd.
- What? This "Peanuts" thing by Charles Schulz.
I grew up with a Charlie Schulz.
Wonder if it's the same fella.
Wait a second.
- This Charlie Brown character - Yeah, what about him? He is me.
The bulbous head, the zigzag shirt, and, hey, look, he's bald.
I was bald until I was 12 years old.
I'm gonna get to the bottom of this, Douglas.
Okay, I'll wait here.
Hey.
Hey, guys.
Honey, which of these cartoon characters reminds you of me? Don't say anything.
Ziggy? What? Oh, my God! What the hell's happening here? Did you give him sugar? Excuse me, but I can't control what he brings home.
All right.
Have you gotten a look at our new neighbours? No, are they out there now? No, just the movers.
Honey, can we have them come over here and move something for us? Relax, they're gay.
So these new people, what do you think we're dealing with here? I don't know.
They'll never match up to Mrs.
Fryman.
Oh, I know.
She was the perfect neighbour.
Old, bedridden, no visitors ever came to see her.
Well, that party's over.
So, what does society demand we do? Should we go over there at some point and say hello? That could send the wrong message.
Yeah, we don't wanna come off too friendly.
Next thing you know, they'll be coming over: "Hi, can we borrow some butter?" "Oh, can we borrow your phone? Our house is being robbed.
" Don't worry, I'll set the right tone early on.
I'll start them off with a nice friendly wave, and then I'll slowly wean them down to a nod.
Not a big friendly nod either.
Just like an up nod, like, "Hey.
" That's good.
Oh, here comes the couch, that'll tell us something.
White leather.
Yeah, it's nice.
A ship's steering wheel.
All right, don't know what that's about.
Oh, look.
Look at the little tiny bed.
They must have a kid.
That's a dog bed.
Oh, they have a dog.
He's still barking.
Doug.
He's still barking.
I know, that's why I had large fluffy things over my head.
Yes, we hear you.
God, this has been going on every night since they moved in.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
- Quiet.
- Shut up.
- Quiet.
- Shut up.
Shut up! Doug, what is their last name? I saw their front door.
I think it said "Sacksky" or "Sackman.
" I know it had "sack" in it because I remember laughing.
Damn it, we've got some of their mail too.
I wish I would have paid attention to the name instead of just throwing it away.
Why do you wanna know? Because I was gonna call them, but you know what? I'm just gonna go over there.
What? Carrie, you can't.
It's 1 in the morning.
You're gonna wake them up.
Oh, gee, Doug, well, I wouldn't wanna wake the neighbours.
Carrie, please don't go over there now.
- Why not? - Because when you get mad like this, you charge at people like a crazed rhino.
- I do not.
- Trust me, you do.
You don't realise it, because you're all in there, but we're all out here and, believe me, we sense danger.
It's not my fault.
I swear, sometimes I feel like I'm the only one on Earth who's not an idiot.
And you sometimes.
We're not talking about a waiter who brought you the wrong order.
These are our neighbours.
We have to see them every day.
I can't make it up to them by over tipping.
Okay, so how would you like to handle it? You wanna just nod at them furiously? No.
Tomorrow morning, we'll go over there and we'll bring it up nicely, okay? Okay, fine.
We'll do your nice thing.
All right.
There you go.
You know, as long as we can't sleep, you wanna take advantage of this and go to a diner? Okay, Douglas, here we go.
I got proof positive that Charlie Brown is based on my life.
Yeah, what about Ziggy? No, that checked out.
But look at this.
Schulz actually had the gall to give Charlie Brown's dog my name.
- Snoopy? - Right.
My last name is Spooner.
Switch the P and the N in Spooner, what do you get? Snooper.
Yeah, but take the ER and change it to a Y, then tell me what you get.
Spoony.
The N and the P are still switched.
All right, you get Snoopy.
So I'm not crazy, huh? Let's do this.
Hey, hey, hey.
Now, I'm handling this, remember? Yes, I remember.
- But handle it.
- I will.
Don't be too friendly, just get right on to the dog thing.
Don't diddle around with these people.
I'm not gonna diddle.
Now, back.
Okay, next time we knock.
Oh, so you guys deliver women now, huh? No, no, no.
We're the Heffernans, we live next door.
I'm kidding you, I know who you are.
Our bedrooms are right across.
Come on in.
Hey, Dorothy! Honey, come on in here.
Stop unpacking for a couple seconds, meet the neighbours.
Our neighbours.
How wonderful.
- I'm Doug, and this is- - Carrie.
Hi.
- Hi, Carrie.
Hi.
- Hi, Doug.
- Tim and Dorothy Sacksky.
- Okay.
So sit, sit.
We'll talk, get to know each other.
Actually, we both have to get to Sure.
Oh, it's nice having friendly neighbours.
Our last neighbours were so standoffish.
Well, don't worry about us, we're stand-onish.
You're Amish? No, no, it was a joke.
Because you just said, "Standoffish," so I threw it around the back with a stand-onish.
- Okay.
- Oh, good, yeah.
- So - So.
- Neighbours.
- Next-door neighbours.
- You said it.
- Yes, I did.
- This is nice.
Isn't this nice? - It's nice, yeah.
Doug? Didn't you wanna ask Tim and Dorothy something? Oh, right, right, right.
- What was that? - Wasn't it something about their dog? Yes.
Yes, Yes.
Yes.
What about our little Stanley? Stanley, I love it when dogs get people names, don't you? Not so much.
- So, what do you wanna know? - Actually, I just wanted to mention, and it's so not a big deal, but his barking, although faint, occasionally wakes us up.
A little, not even fully up.
- I'm so- We're so sorry.
- So sorry.
I feel horrible about this.
How long has this been going on? Oh, that? I don't even know.
Hon, didn't you mention to me that it's been every single night since they moved in? I may have, yeah.
- Since we moved in? - How could we not have heard it? - How could we not have heard? - I don't know.
You know what? He's in the backyard, and the alley, it acts like a funnel and just scoops the sound up to our bedroom.
No one's to blame.
No one.
Yup, it's obviously the alley's fault.
Well, whoever's at fault, consider this problem solved.
He just needs a good long walk every night.
- We'll take care of it.
- Yeah.
Well, great.
Thanks.
Forget it, we're neighbours.
This is what it's about, friendly communication.
I couldn't agree with you more.
- Hey, it's so nice to meet you.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Don't be strangers.
Oh, we won't.
We'll see you by the garbage cans.
Because they're down the thing, the- I have cans and- Oh, yeah.
Okay, okay.
Good one.
Hey, Dad.
What's cooking? This "Peanuts" thing goes deeper than I thought.
Look at this.
Books, videos, merchandise.
Schulz has probably raked in thousands off of this stuff.
My stuff.
Dad, is this gonna be like the time you swore they used your image as the Gorton's Fisherman? Should I go put on my raincoat and boots? Do we need to go through that again? No, no.
No, no.
I still remember it vividly from my sweet-sixteen party.
- Hey, babe.
- Look what I found on the front porch.
Who sent us a basket? A couple of folks I like to call the Sackskys.
That name is still fun.
Really? They sent us this? See? We take two minutes out of our life to be nice, and not only will they control their dog, but I know a certain couple who are now stupid with water crackers.
Here, read the card.
Look at that.
"What is a neighbour? N is for the nearby friends who care.
" That's us.
"E is for each of us caring, sharing, giving.
" Jump to R.
"R is for the rays of light that are Doug and Carrie Heffernan.
" Oh, look at that.
We're mentioned by name.
We're also in the phone book.
Check that out.
Call 911, tell them there are two murder victims next door.
I'll handle the rest.
Carrie, you can't go over there.
I'm going.
For God's sakes, they sent us a basket.
I ate all the garlic olives.
- Just get out of my way.
- No, Carrie.
No.
All right? I'm not letting you go.
I will deal with this myself.
Okay, fine.
You go ahead and deal with it.
- Go ahead.
- Okay.
Let me just get my jacket.
- Carrie, no! No! - Doug, please, five minutes! - Two minutes! - No.
Okay, how about this? How about this? I go over there, punch them in the head, and come right back.
Carrie, no.
- Look, I will take care of this.
- But you're gonna be nice.
No, I'm not.
I'm angry.
Okay, good.
Okay, good.
Go now.
- Go now, come on.
- All right.
- Can I get my jacket? - No, no.
Go now.
- All right.
All right.
- Go, go, go.
- Yeah? - It's Doug Heffernan.
Who? - Doug Heffernan from next door.
- Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, just come on in.
- Hi, Doug.
- Hey, Tim.
I'm sorry to bother you this late, but we got a problem we need to deal with now.
Just- Let me- I just need to This stupid What's up, Doug? Tim, when we came over here this morning, you promised us you'd get your dog to stop barking at night.
Yeah.
And? And he's doing it right now.
Oh, the- Doug, I'm sorry- Stanley! I'm so sorry, Doug.
I just can't find a minute to walk the poor guy.
My division laid off two people this week.
Now I am the Marketing Department.
You know what, I'm sorry to hear that, Tim, but we have jobs too, and we need a decent night's sleep.
I'm drowning here, Doug.
I'm 46 years old.
I mean, how do you screw up a life without even knowing it? It's just, if I don't get eight hours Tim, who is it so late? It's just Doug.
Go back to bed, honey.
Did he get our basket? I don't know.
He didn't say anything about it.
Yes, I did.
It was lovely.
- And the card? - Dorothy, honey, please.
You heard what the doctor said, you shouldn't be yelling.
- It's too soon.
- I'm sorry! Yeah, see, you just yelled that! Stop it! Stanley! I think that one got him.
That was good.
Oh, it's not his fault.
There's no one to play with him, no one to walk him.
He's just barking for love.
And what do I do? I yell at him.
Oh, that's real good, Tim.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
Point number seven, I frequently fell down while attempting to kick field goals.
Point number eight, I lost my virginity to a Peppermint Patty.
No, not the candy, Mr.
Funnyman.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I'll hold.
Dad, who are you talking to? One of the partners from your law firm.
My law firm? These bozos wouldn't know a good case if they stepped in it.
Oh, well.
Oh, got cut off.
Right in the middle of "Rocket Man.
" Hey, baby.
Where you going? Just out to the car for a second.
What for? Just gonna check the tyre pressure.
I think she's been pulling left.
Didn't you do that last night? The fronts.
Tonight I do the backs.
Come here for a second.
Do you hear that? - What? - Silence.
No dog barking.
You know, whatever.
I mean, I laid down the law.
It was pretty tough, but, you know what, I think they respected me for it.
My big tough guy.
- I have an idea.
- Yeah? Why don't you forget about the car and come upstairs and check my tyre pressure? I don't know what that means.
Okay, I was going for an image there, didn't quite land though.
Oh, I know what you mean.
Oh, I wanna do it too.
In about ten minutes.
Come on, Stan.
Come on.
Come on, there you go.
Let's go, that's a perfectly good spot.
I would go there.
Let's try our luck over here.
Come on, come on.
Come on, we've been walking for a mile, I'm cold.
What you doing? This? I- I- I ran into him out here.
Alrighty.
Take it easy now.
Good seeing you again.
All right, let's go.
You've been walking that dog every night, haven't you? All right, I have, but not for him, for me, for the exercise.
Let's face it, I'm getting pretty cut.
Where are you going? To deal with the Sacksky people.
Come on.
Would you-? Give me one more chance.
Really, Doug? What's your plan now? You gonna paint their house or service them sexually? You don't understand! Dorothy's sick and Tim's under a lot of pressure! He is the Marketing Department! Carrie, so nice of you to stop by- Yeah, save it.
Here's the deal.
- Hey, Carrie.
- Oh, hello, dear.
Now, listen to me, both of you.
My husband's a sweet, caring, easygoing person.
Luckily, I'm none of those things, so I'm just gonna give it to you straight.
- Hey, how's it going? - At night, we like to sleep.
We're kind of kooky that way.
So if your dog needs to go out for a walk, how about from now on, oh, I don't know, one of you take him, okay? Because if he barks again, I'm gonna be back, yeah, and I won't be in such a good mood.
I told you not to let him walk the dog.
He's your dog.
You needed something to love.
Oh, well, the only thing you love is upstairs in the medicine cabinet.
Dorothy, you're not supposed to yell.
All right, you know what? This dog is history, okay? - I'm getting rid of it.
- Fine, go ahead.
I'm not bluffing.
Tomorrow, I'm gonna set it loose on Staten Island.
Please do! So the tough little lady decides to bring the dog home.
Well, he is cute.
And they are insane.
So I think we made the right move.
Congratulations, Stan, you no longer have to walk around with that embarrassing Sacksky name anymore.
Now you're a Heffernan.
It's late.
We should go to bed.
Actually, we are overdue for a little thump-thump time.
You think we should? In front of the dog? I had to watch him with a poodle.
He can deal with it.
What is he looking at? Oh, his former owners.
All right, Dougie, Charlie Schulz is about to get a taste of his own medicine.
Oh, yeah? I'm working on my own comic strip based on his life.
It's called "Beer Nuts.
" It's about a gang of 6-year-olds who hang out at a bar.
I like it.
Which one of the stick figures is supposed to be Schulz? The one with the zigzag shirt.
I thought you wore the zigzag shirt.
We all did.
It was our school uniform.
That's gonna hurt my case, isn't it?