Home Improvement s01e15 Episode Script

We were on a manly mission today, honey.
I initiated Mark.
I took him down to Kelley's Hardware Store.
We went through every inch of that.
- Mark, where are the router bits? - Aisle 2-A.
- All right, screwdrivers? - Aisle 3-B.
- What's on the top shelf? - Phillips head.
- What kind of handle do they have? - Square-shanked, slotted? - Yeah! - Yeah! You are a man today, Mark, and, you know, a man just isn't a man without his own - Hank the Handyman drill.
- Thanks, Dad.
Honey, you should've been there with us.
It was the winter warehouse sale.
Everything was half off.
Yeah, and I suppose you only got the essentials.
You bet.
Butterfly hinges, casing knife, point driver Oh, well, every house needs a point driver.
What is this essential thing? Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho.
This is the ultimate power tool.
Binford's best 4000 series reciprocating saw.
Three-quarter horse motor - no tool arsenal is complete without this thing.
Pure power.
You could saw through the refrigerator with this thing.
Wouldn't it be easier to open the door? - Mom, Dad! - Yeah, honey.
Jennifer Sadarski wants to take me to her parents' anniversary party tomorrow night.
Wow! That sounds like fun.
- First date.
Hot stuff.
- It's not a date.
Me and Jennifer are just gonna go to her country club and have dinner.
Not a date, no.
So, when she introduces you, it'll be, "Hi.
This is Brad, my eating partner.
" Dad.
Oh, the country club.
You're gonna get to get all dressed up.
- You know what? You need a new tie.
- What's wrong with the tie I've got? Well, nothing, except I don't think the Slurpee stains go with your shirt.
- Karen and I will pick you up a new one.
- OK.
Thanks, Mom.
- Karen's coming over? - Yes.
She'll be here any minute.
She twists everything I say into some feminist argument.
- Why don't you meet her at the store? - Come on, Tim.
She's my good friend.
I like her.
She just comes over here to make fun of me.
That's why I like her.
- Hi! - Oh, you look so pretty.
- Oh, I love your skirt.
- Thanks.
You want to have some coffee and fat food before we go? - Yes, yes.
Let's do.
- Tim is so looking forward to seeing you.
Oh, and me him.
Hello, Tim.
- Hi, Karen.
How's work? - Good.
What in the world is that? Well, come on, Karen.
Don't you know a reciprocating saw when you see one? It cuts through any thick surface - refrigerator, walls, Tim's head.
I think we know why Tim bought that.
OK.
Here we go.
What are we gonna make fun of today? Uh, my show? No, grunting? Tools! Oh, well, Tim, I mean it is a very big, powerful tool.
I see.
You think I've got to have this just to prove my manhood.
You said it.
I didn't say that.
I bought the saw because it saws.
That's what saws do, Karen.
They saw.
Uh-huh.
It certainly is a large saw.
Well, thank you very much.
I'll be in the garage where I belong.
Oh, men get so insecure when you make fun of their tools.
Tell me about it.
I am not insecure.
Honey, when we say "men," we're not talking about you.
Oh, you gals go ahead and laugh.
I just want you to know I'm a very secure man.
You know, Jill, I can understand why men like all these big, powerful tools.
Do tell.
All right.
They feed right into their destructive and aggressive tendencies.
Well, thank you, Oprah.
Oh, come on, Tim.
Look at all the wars you've started.
Jill, how many wars have I started? She just means that most wars are started by men.
Women start wars, too.
Did you see the film, War of the Amazons? - Whoa, he got us there.
- Oh, boy, does he ever.
I'll have you know, those were very fierce soldiers.
I had nightmares about that movie.
Oh, so you're intimidated by strong women? Is that what you're saying, Tim? When they're in groups and naked, yeah.
Now that we've sanded our tabletop, it's time to apply the decorative laminate.
- AI, you want to spread the glue for me? - I live to laminate, Tim.
While Al does that, I'd like to speak to you, if I could.
I'm a little cheesed.
Some people say the reason men are into tools is because we're insecure.
These same people say that men are into more power because we're destructive and aggressive.
Well, let me explain something to you.
We're neither destructive or aggressive.
What we are is creative.
Let's look at some of the things built over time using tools: The Great Pyramids of Egypt the Great Wall of China Indy of Indy the Leaning Tower of Pisa Tim, I believe the Leaning Tower was considered a huge structural mistake.
Well look at that.
That's an accomplishment.
This tower's been leaning for over Kind of reminds me of my mother-in-law.
I'm kidding, Nana.
- Well, the glue is spread, Tim.
- Oh, is it, Al? OK.
Before we get to gluing, I want to introduce Binford's new Miracle Glue.
Tim, you might wanna remind our viewers to be careful when using this glue, because it will bond instantly to your skin.
AI we learned in the first grade you're not supposed to play with glue.
Well, I was just worried about our viewers' welfare, as well as your welfare.
AI, these negative thoughts - can hurt people on the job site.
- I don't have negative thoughts.
- You do too.
- No, I don't.
- Do too.
- Do not.
- Do.
- Not.
Well, maybe it would be better if I just swept up here, then.
Well, maybe it would be better if you just swept up, Mr.
Negativity.
- Not.
- Do.
You wanna set your laminate securely on your shimmies, front and back AI! AI! We'll be right back after these messages from Binford.
AI? AI, I know you're back there.
- Dad's home.
- I better go.
I don't think Tim wants to see me.
No, no, stay.
We'll just take it easy on him.
OK.
No more making fun.
What is this thing on your head? It's a little piece of table.
- What happened? - Oh, Mr.
Negativity, AI, distracted me.
I got my head cemented to this table.
He had to take a saber saw to get me off of that table.
You think you should go to the emergency room? I was just there.
They said I wasn't a priority.
Why? Was there a guy there with a whole table stuck to his head? I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, honey.
We'll be good.
- You notice, I'm not laughing.
- Yeah, we'll be good.
Come on, come on.
Randy, set the table.
OK.
Dad, bend over.
- Ouch.
- Are you sure this is gonna work? Yes.
The hospital said that nail polish remover would soften the glue.
Ow.
You must have felt pretty silly walking in there like that.
Oh, nonsense, Karen.
There were a lot of people in there with furniture stuck to their heads.
- I still don't understand how you did this.
- I did it because of you two.
- Us? - What did we do? I was trying to make a point on the show that men don't just destroy things with hammers and nails and tools.
No, they also glue.
I'm sorry, honey.
We shouldn't make fun, although I did hear a great joke today.
Knock, knock.
The point I was trying to make is that men don't just start wars.
They build things with tools, like this house, your car, office buildings Of course they do.
They have all the jobs.
- Oh, here we go.
- Oh, come on, Tim.
Face it, it's a male-dominated society, and women have to make all the compromises.
I don't know what world you live in, but here at the Taylor household, - we have an equal relationship.
- Oh, do you really believe that, Tim? We're a 90s couple.
We share everything 50-50, right down the middle.
- Come sit down.
- OK, OK.
Let me give you a little test.
Jill gets a high-paying executive position.
Ooh, I like this test already.
Do I get to have a male secretary? You got him.
Can't type, but he looks really cute in jeans.
- Perfect.
- OK.
So, Tim, should she take this job? If he's gay- Yeah, absolutely.
- The job's in Seattle.
- That's fine, that's fine.
Well, maybe Jill doesn't wanna uproot the kids.
No, no.
The kids love the idea.
Do we move, Tim? - Karen, this is stupid.
- OK.
Let me ask you another question.
Tool Time goes national, but you have to move to New York.
Do you go? Yeah.
It's my job.
It'd be the perfect op If it's OK with Jill.
Oh, so you're saying that your job is more important than hers? - She doesn't have a job.
- Answer the question.
Do you move to New York or Seattle? I think a lot depends on where you'll be living.
- Which is it, Tim? - Look, she's just trying to confuse me.
- You're avoiding the question.
- I am not.
- Is it Seattle or New York, Tim? - Detroit.
Hey, that's not answering the question.
New York or Seattle? New York, Seattle - you know, I don't care where we live.
Just le leave me - Leave me alone! - Ohh! That had to hurt.
No, it didn't.
Oh - Mom, I'm not gonna go to the party.
- What's the matter, honey? I just found out there's gonna be an orchestra.
- That means I have to dance.
- Well, that'll be fun.
No, it won't.
- I'll have to do old-people dancing.
- Old people dancing? Yeah, the kind you and Dad do.
Oh, you mean really old, like where you have to touch and junk? Yeah.
Well, what if I teach you how to do that old people touching-dancing-junk thing? Would you go to the dance then? I guess.
Well, it's really very simple.
I can't believe I get to teach my oldest son how to dance! OK.
Come here.
Come on, come on.
Come on.
Listen, you're gonna have to stand up real straight, like a soldier.
Put this hand on my back, and this left hand in my hand here.
Ew.
I can't dance with my mother.
Hey, I used to change your diaper and powder your butt.
Now, get over here.
Now, just follow me.
It's a real simple box step.
Real easy, OK? Go left together, left together.
Right together - What's going on? - Mom's teaching me how to dance.
He's got to slow dance tonight and he's a little scared, but he's doing great.
- I'm doing awful! - Oh, you'll be great.
You got a real good teacher.
- Ready? - Mm-hmm.
Left together, left together.
Right together, right together.
- That's very good.
- Left together, left together.
- Right together, right together.
- Very good.
Wilson, do you think I'm a peace-loving guy? - Well, definitely, Tim.
- You ever known me to start any wars? No, but I was out of town that one weekend.
Every time Jill gets together with her friend Karen, they accuse me of being aggressive and destructive, starting wars They blame me for everything.
Well, Tim, that's just the burden you bear for living in a patriarchal society.
Yeah, patriarchal - dominated by men.
That's right, Tim.
Mm-hmm.
From the Latin pater, which means "father.
" Well, shiver my timbers.
Tim, I am impressed.
Well, don't be.
I saw it on a rerun of Mannix.
The point is, it's not my fault that women have not ruled the world.
- Men have ruled the world.
- That hasn't always been true.
Huh? There was a time when we had a matriarchal society.
- Matriarchal society.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Run by maître G's'? No, Tim.
It's when women ruled the world.
Get out of here.
What, they didn't have wars, they had Bake-Offs? No.
No, Tim.
You'd be surprised.
Actually, the female of the species can be very aggressive.
So, what you're saying is that when women ruled the world, - things weren't that peaceful and nice.
- No, no, no, Tim.
Absolute power corrupts absolutely, with women as well as men.
In ancient Africa, they had entire female armies.
In Babylon, they would burn a man at the stake every spring to ensure the fertility of the crops.
Ooh.
That's a hell of a price to pay for zucchini.
Well, I don't know, Tim.
Maybe one day, men and women will learn to share the power, to cooperate rather than dominate.
Tim, honey, this is Jennifer Sadarski.
Jennifer, this is Brad's father.
- So you're Jennifer.
- Hi, Mr.
Taylor.
It's nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
Sit down.
- Thank you.
What's the matter with her? - Jennifer, I love your dress.
- Thank you.
And your little coat.
My dad watches your show, Mr.
Taylor.
He's a real big fan.
Hey, I'll get him an autographed picture.
Oh, that would be great.
Uh, could you make it of AI? He really loves AI.
We all do.
Brad! Get on down here, will ya? I'll be down in a minute, Father! "Father"? Bradley's so polite.
Mom, Dad, guess what happened to Brad.
What is it? He got his tie stuck in his zipper.
I'll be right back.
Hey, Brad, don't fiddle with that.
Son, you all right? I got it out of my zipper, but I can't get this tie straight.
Oh, come on, relax.
Come here.
Well, it's just a simple tie.
You did a good job.
The old Windsor knot always gives you trouble.
Dad I'm scared.
Oh it's good to be scared.
All guys are scared.
- They are? - Yeah.
It goes way back to Babylon, when men were scared of being burned at the stake by a bunch of maître d's.
Dad, I'm just scared when I hold her, my hands will get all sweaty and gross.
Oh.
Simple trick I used to do, all right? Wad these up and put 'em in your pants' pockets.
- OK.
- All right, at the first hint of dampness, shove your hands in your pockets, dry 'em off.
Bring 'em out, you're back in the ball game.
Yeah, but what if I lead with the wrong foot or step on her toes? Dancing's not about who's leading.
Mom says the man always leads.
Well, when men and women are dancing correctly, no one's leading.
You just move with the music.
You don't know how you get there, but you just get there.
That's kind of like how your mom drives.
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Brad, you look so handsome.
You got a very excited young lady waiting downstairs for you.
Brad? Go get 'em, tiger.
Good evening, Jennifer.
You look real good.
You know, pretty, I mean.
Thanks, so do you.
Not pretty, but, you know, handsome.
Come here, you.
I guess we should get going.
My father hates to wait.
His stomach gets upset, and then he starts to burp.
- OK.
I just want to take one picture.
- Oh, Mom.
Better hurry up, honey.
Remember, Mr.
Sadarski's in the car getting gassy.
OK, OK.
- Give me big smiles.
Say "cheese.
" - Cheese.
- It's stuck.
- Honey, you always do this.
I know.
Aah! OK.
This time for sure.
- Say "cheese.
" - Cheese.
- Oh, that was great.
OK.
- You kids get going.
All right, now, listen.
You two have a great time.
- We will.
- Bye-bye.
Tim, what you said upstairs was very nice.
Well, I was just trying to remember my first dance.
Wanna dance? I promise I won't lead.
Me, either.
All right.
This isn't working.
Somebody's got to lead.
All right, together on three.
One, - Huh.
- Two.
- Huh.
Three.
Oh, boy, isn't this fun? All right, now, I'll lead.
- All right.
- It's a beautiful rhythm.
Hands and tools.
Hands and tools.
Ever looked in the eyes of a man who's building something like a bamboo fly rod, mahogany boat, or a billethead piece of a hot rod? Do you see aggression and destruction? No, you see contentment.
Hands and tools.
Hands and tools can change the world from building the smallest, hobbyist train to the largest outboard motor engines.
Look at this bad boy.
Most of you see just a hunk of metal.
Not me.
This is hundreds of parts working at high rpm, 800 horsepower.
Tolerances of a thousand - a machine by hand, blueprinted and polished.
But men aren't just into power and steel.
Craftsmanship, like this exquisite artwork here.
Not AI, the panel.
This antique Chinese privacy screen, on loan to us from the Detroit Institute of Arts, is composed of intricate carvings I think 2000 man-hours, correct? Intricacy beyond belief.
Every delicate little nuance is as delicate as crystal.
Each piece is so delicate, it could be snapped off just like that.
Very often they made a few movable pieces in these pieces kind of like those little Chinese boxes that don't You know, you don't know how to open them.
They're movable parts.
AI, do you suppose this is movable, this piece? I don't think so, Tim.
Go get me that glue.
What for? Are you gonna glue it to your forehead?